


Paths Diverged

by QuokkaFoxtrot



Series: Way Leads On To Way [3]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sex, Bad Decisions, BuenaKai, Clones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everybody Lives, Food, Food Issues, Hand Jobs, Kaiju Cult, M/M, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Miscommunication, Multi, Needles, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pets, Pre-Canon, Surveillance, answers, emotional outburst, lab accident, medical trauma recovery, showering, tesla's triumphant return, x rays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 22:26:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 118,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4323150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuokkaFoxtrot/pseuds/QuokkaFoxtrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newt's life hangs in the balance. Can Mend save him and their fragile relationship with Hermann? </p><p>(Alternate ending to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/1943418">Divergent Paths</a>.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the Everybody Lives AU. It won't make sense unless you've read up to Chapter 17 of [Divergent Paths](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1943418). 
> 
> This is a teaser chapter - the fic itself is currently at 105k and is nearly but not quite finished. I don't want to give a timeframe for when it'll be posted, because every time I try to quantify it, I miss the mark like woah.
> 
> The tagging and warning system for Divergent Paths worked fairly well, so I'll be using it again for this. 
> 
> **TAGS**
> 
> I'll be updating the tags for the previous chapter when I post the next chapter. By the time the entire fic is posted, all appropriate tags will have been added.
> 
> **WARNINGS**
> 
> Warnings will be added to the notes preceding each chapter. Even if something hasn't been added to the tags yet, it will appear in that highlightable text. I will also give signposts (specific indicators of where in the text potential triggers may occur) so that readers may skip over those bits if they choose. If the parts skipped are plot relevant, I'll provide a brief summary in the end notes.
> 
> Huge thanks go to shazzaofdoom and marshtwain for the cheerleading, and antheia for the beta.

The next week passes with disheartening repetition: Sleep, wake, wait. Sleep, wake, wait.

Mendelssohn leaves for an hour every morning to get breakfast and check on the rats. (On the first morning he's gone for three hours. He doesn't tell Hermann that he'd found a fresh, shiny and undented piece of metal outside the lab when he'd arrived and had sat staring at it, heart filled with terror. It took him two hours to work up the courage to move it into the back of his alcove and cover it in a tarp.)

Tendo brings them dinner most nights. Nobody mentions how they all watch Mendelssohn with worry.

Katz and Dr. Bhakta make visits twice a day like clockwork, both counselling Hermann and Mendelssohn to be warily hopeful. 

They extubate Newt on the second day and Mendelssohn almost misses the slow rhythm of the pump.

The only times Hermann leaves the room are for bathroom breaks, dressing changes and three times to shower.

Mendelssohn gets quieter.

On the eighth day, Hermann is dozing behind his laptop and Mendelssohn's glaring at an email from Griggson when they hear a cough.

"Told you-" Newt croaks and then coughs and grimaces and both Hermann and Mendelssohn are on their feet in a flash, both yelling for the doctor.

Hermann puts a straw in a glass of water and holds it to Newt's face. "Don't swallow; you're nil-by-mouth. That's enough. That's enough."

"Told you bed spoons bleed a spot," Newt says with a tired smile and Hermann and Mendelssohn exchange a look.

"What?" Hermann says clutching Newt's hand tight enough to make the tips of his fingers turn red.

"I'm fine. You were worried for frothing." Newt says with a slow smile and Mendelssohn sincerely hopes it's the morphine messing him up.

"Newt," Mendelssohn says putting a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "Now's _really_ not the time to fuck with us for shits and giggles, okay man?"

"What's... what's your protium? 'm not fucking with you. Too tired... Hurts... What happened?" Newt's blinking slowly and he seems to be having trouble focussing on anything and Mendelssohn feels a stab of fear in his heart.

"What do you remember?" Hermann asks, lips drawn in a thin line and a worried wrinkle marring his brown.

"We were... in the Sega fray... Something fell? Pushed German... Hit my bed." He swallows and it looks painful. "Can I get some core blotter?

"Newton, I want you to listen to me very carefully," Hermann says, touching Newt's chin lightly to direct his face and try and get him to focus. "Can you understand us?" 

Newt frowns and swallows. "'Course," he says and then he's trying to raise his hand and gasping and Hermann has to hold onto it so he doesn't try and press against his stitches or the ostomy pouch.

"Glad to see you've decided to join us," Katz says with a smile as she jogs into the room. "How are you feeling?"

"Bed hurts. Chain in my huts. German won't give me core blotter," Newt says, face twisting into a grimacing pout. 

"That was unexpected," Katz says, smile sliding off her face as she moves closer to the bed.

Hermann shuffles out of the way and takes up a position further down the bed, keeping a tight hold on Newt's hand. "He says he can understand us."

"Can you understand him?" Katz asks as she pulls a penlight out of her pocket.

"Sort of?" Mendelssohn says absently stroking Newt's arm for comfort. "It kind of makes sense in context? Well, some of it. German's definitely Hermann. Bed is head; he's said that a few times now. Sega fray is probably Jaeger bay. What's going on with him? Should we be writing these down?"

"Give me some time, Mendelssohn," Katz says, quietly admonishing, and leans down to look at Newt's face, holding up the penlight. "Newt? I'm just going to give you a quick check up, okay? There'll be a bright light for a little while. Can you tell me what you remember about the accident?"

"Talking 'bout me like I'm not here," Newt grumbles and looks towards the nightstand. "Can I get some core blotter first? My moat's dry." 

Katz, Hermann and Mendelssohn look amongst each other blankly until Hermann follow's Newt's eyeline and reaches for the cup. "More water?"

"Stop being weird, ties," Newt says as he takes the straw into his mouth and sucks gratefully. He whimpers as the cup's pulled away but settles quickly.

"Is your... moat... feeling better?" Katz asks and Newt frowns at her in bleary confusion.

"I don't have a stoat." 

"Okay, that's significant. Maybe we should be getting these down," Katz says and looks at Mendelssohn who grabs a tablet and opens a new document. "Okay, back on track. Can you tell me about the day of the accident?"

"Already told German and Bend," Newt says and flinches as Katz flashes the light in his eye.

"I wasn't here. Can you tell me?" She asks holding his head still with the palm of her hand as she checks his pupillary responses.

"Me and... me and Bend were getting pedal from the Sega fray. German was there talking to a pioneer. Something fell and it- it was gonna hit German. Pushed him out of the day. Hit my bed. Now'm here." He pulls a face as he finishes and tries to curl up. "Hurts."

"We're going to need you to stay still, okay? Can you tell me where the pain is?" Katz says and slips the penlight back in her pocket.

"Already did," Newt glares weakly. "My huts. Feels... feels tight."

"Before I do, can you do me a favour? I know you probably really don't want to do this, but I need you to give me a big smile. I want to see teeth."

Newt grimaces but stretches his lips wide and even and Katz pats his wrist.

"Thank you, Newt. You can stop now," She says and turns to look at the IV and the attached PCA dispenser before pressing a button. Reaching behind it she pulls out a hand-held button and places it on the bed. "Now that you're awake, this button will let you get your pain medication when you need it. It's morphine and it'll only give you one dose in an allotted period, so you can't OD, but if the pain gets too much, it's there. Go ahead, press it now."

Hermann untangles his hand from Newt's and places the button in his grasp. Newt wraps his hand around it and squeezes and after a moment, he relaxes, all the line's fading from his face and a small blissed out smile tugging at his lips.

"That's some good ship, lazy," Newt says and lets his head roll so he's staring at the ceiling.

"You feeling good enough to talk now?" Katz asks and Newt just grins, eyes glassy. "Maybe we should have waited a little while... Okay, you may have worked out that there's something not quite right going on. So, we're just going to go through a few short tests. I'm going to say some words and I want you to repeat them back to me, okay?" Newt nods slowly and Katz looks at Mendelssohn. "You ready?"

Mendelssohn sets his hands over the tablet keyboard and nods.

"Okay, here we go. Baby?"

"Maybe."

"Freight?"

"Wait."

"Height?"

"White."

"Jump?"

"Jump."

"Task?"

"Mask."

"Come?"

"Come."

"Going?"

"Showing."

"Wise?"

"Wise."

"Start."

"Start."

"Okay, good. Did you get all that?" She says and looks at Mendelssohn.

"Yeah. Recording, too," he says holding up his digital recorder.

"Newt, you still with us?" She asks and Newt blinks at her slowly.

"I'm good. I am _so_ good, right now," Newt says with a beatific smile.

"Okay, I want you to look at everyone in the room and say their names," Katz says and takes a step back so he can see Hermann.

"You're Hats. Proctor..." Newt pauses and seems to struggle for a moment before he shakes his head and continues. "Proctor Cleverly Hats. That's German. Sorry, sorry, Proctor... Uh... Proctor Godlove." He rolls his head to the side to look at Mendelssohn and frowns. "And you're... you're... You're Bend. Bend... Bend Goatherder. Hey, teddy."

"Teddy?" Mendelssohn blurts staring at Newt in confusion.

" _No_ , not steady. You're my teddy. We're teds. You'n'me'n'Kendo best teds," Newt says patting at Mendelssohn's side. His smile fades to an expression that's lost and a little sad. "Oh. You can't understand me? Am I saying my birds wrong?"

"There's a little bit of confusion, yeah," Mendelssohn says and squeezes Newt's hand.

"I just need you to do one more thing for me, okay, Newt?" Katz says and touches his shoulder to get Newt's attention back. "It's not because I don't believe you, but I need you to tell me what happened in the Jaeger bay one more time."

"We... we were talking to... to Abdul... in the Sega fray He was gonna give us some pedal if we gave him some tunic. German was... he was talking to a pioneer about lode for Violin Gave and something fell... It was gonna hit him so I pushed him. Hit my bed and now'm here. Was that it? Is it the bed spoon? Does... does my... crane not work right anymore? Am I gonna be like this forever?"

"Shh, Newt, don't panic," Katz says. "At this stage, there's no way of knowing if this is permanent. It seems like a form of aphasia; expressive rather than receptive as you can still understand us. It's caused by damage to a part of the brain called Broca's area which is where speech originates. It could have been from the bump to the head, or during surgery-"

"I was in _perjury_?" Newt says wide-eyed and Katz looks at Hermann and Mendelssohn blankly.

"It really should have been obvious that he didn't know," Katz says with a shake of her head, and looks down at Newt. "Newt, the accident in the Jaeger bay wasn't you hitting your head. The falling metal sheet clipped your side; did some damage to your large intestine and your liver. We operated for eight hours. You've been unconscious for eight days."

"Fate blaze?" Newt says looking between Hermann and Mendelssohn. "I've been asleep for fate blaze?"

"We've been here for seven," Hermann says softly, cupping his hand around the back of Newt's.

"We would have been here for the full eight, but they'd only let us into ICU for a few minutes at a time," Mendelssohn says and Newt's face slips into a fond smile.

"You ties are the... are the west. Staying with me... Get down here. Troupe bug."

"Troupe... bug?" Hermann says with a confused frown, looking at Mendelssohn for enlightenment.

"Stoop shrug?" Newt says with a frown before his eyes widen and he looks at them with horrible realisation. "Oh my flood. That's what I found like to you?"

"It's okay, Newt. We're working it out," Hermann says and Newt shakes his head and he's pulling his hands away from Hermann and Mendelssohn.

"No, no, no," Newt says in drug-addled, lethargic agitation. "I'm saying the wrong birds and you don't- you don't understand me. I can't _communicate_. How'm I s'posed to... I can't- I can't talk to you."

"Hey, stop. Stop it, man," Mendelssohn says, grabbing Newt's hands and holding them in one of his as he leans in close to place his palm along side Newt's face and direct his focus. "We're working on it. Okay? It's been half an hour but we're getting there already. We can work this out. We can figure out a workaround. It wouldn't be the first time. Remember third grade? Remember?"

Newt stops shaking his head and frowns. "That was different. We-"

"It's _not_ , man. It's not different at _all_ ," Mendelssohn cuts him off. "It took us a while but we figured it out. We got there and now look at us. We're fucking _awesome_. This'll be a piece of cake."

Newt's staring up at Mendelssohn and there's a worried look in his eyes but he's nodding and shaking Mendelssohn's hand off so he can clasp it between his own. "We can do this?"

"We totally can," Mendelssohn says squeezing Newt's hand and smiling down at him. "Group hug? Was that what you were trying to say?"

Newt sighs. "Yeah."

"We're not allowed to lean on the bed, but we can improvise," Mendelssohn says and looks over at Hermann, waving a hand to get him to come closer. "Can you bend enough to put your head on the pillow?"

"I will _make myself_ bend," Hermann says with determination, walking to the end of the bed and grasping the headboard so he can lean down, resting his head awkwardly on the pillow and placing his other hand in the middle of Newt's chest.

Mendelssohn follows suit, placing his hand beside Hermann's.

"We've been so worried," Hermann says in a soft tone and Newt turns to look at him. "Watching you lying here... all I wanted was for you to come back to us." He strokes his thumb over Newt's chest and moves a little closer to give him a soft kiss.

Newt sighs into the kiss and then rolls back, eyes shifting between Katz and Hermann until he has to squeeze them shut.

"It's okay," Hermann says quietly. "She knows about us."

Newt reels, head rolling around to stare at Mendelssohn with his jaw hanging open and Mendelssohn huffs and shakes his head and straightens.

"Apparently there's only room in this group hug for two," he says with a roll of his eyes and pulls his chair over with his foot.

"Before you sit," Katz interjects, looking at Mendelssohn in sympathy. "I need to do a dressing check and go over some things with Newt. Would you guys mind stepping out?"

Mendelssohn can't even bring himself to pretend to be grateful. He sighs, pats Newt's ankle under the blanket and walks out the door, leaning on the wall across the hall as he waits for Hermann. 

"You couldn't have waited until Katz was gone?" Mendelssohn hisses as the door shuts behind Hermann. 

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking," Hermann says in a quiet tone as he leans beside Mendelssohn.

"Now she's going to give me sympathy eyes for _eternity_." Mendelssohn thumps his head back against the wall a few times.

"We can't keep it a secret for eternity," Hermann says and Mendelssohn turns an unimpressed stare on him.

"So exchange sympathy for betrayal and you take away the one doctor who treats me like I'm human and not just an accident prone fuck-up," Mendelssohn says and pushes off the wall to pace down the hall.

"We can make this right-"

"Save it, Hermann," Mendelssohn says scrubbing a hand over his face. "We're screwed no matter what we do."

Hermann stares at the floor, gripping the handle of his cane tight. 

They spend the rest of the wait in silence.

"He fell asleep during the examination," Katz says, shutting the door with a gentle click as she leaves the room. "Kind of surprised he lasted this long, to be honest. But the prognosis is good at this stage. He's healing well, there's no sign of infection. The aphasia is worrying - I'm going to look into that - but he should be awake more often now and he'll need the morphine less as time goes on. "

"Thank you, Doctor," Hermann says as he straightens and Beverly raises an eyebrow at him.

"You're welcome, _Dr. Gottlieb_ ," she says and then turns to Mendelssohn.

"Can you come and see me later; there's something I want to try out," she asks and the sympathy is strong.

"If he's asleep, I can come now," Mendelssohn says and looks at Hermann. "That okay with you?"

"If it will help, you must go," Hermann says and reenters the room.

"Meet me in my office and bring something to work on. It might take a while," she says before walking off down the hall.

Back in the room, Hermann is sitting up straight and staring down at Newt's face, hand clasped tight in his own.

"He's probably going to be out for a while," Mendelssohn says as he grabs a tablet, his phone, and a stack of papers. "You can probably relax a little."

Hermann makes a dismissive noise, worrying his lower lip between his teeth, and continues to watch Newt.

Mendelssohn glances at the open door, making sure the coast is clear, before pressing a quick kiss to the top of Hermann's head as he passes. "I'll be back later. Call me if he wakes up."

"Of course," Hermann says, distracted, and then Mendelssohn's sighing and heading out to Katz's office.

"What'd you need me for?" Mendelssohn asks, leaning against Katz's doorframe and looking at her expectantly.

"Before we do anything," Katz says, spinning around on her chair and gesturing to the seat beside her desk. "You should know that what I've got in mind is highly unorthodox and may not have any significant impact on Newt's recovery. You still want to try it?"

"I'm all for unorthodox if it helps, well, _me_ ," Mendelssohn says as he sits down and narrows his eyes at Katz. "What are you thinking?"

"The fact that we can't do any diagnostic imaging is gonna put a severe crimp in treating what's going on with him right now. I don't want to alarm you, but if there's something going on in his brain, acting sooner rather than later is our best option, and I'm pretty sure you don't want anyone doing exploratory surgery on his brain effectively blind." Katz says, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, _no_. That's not gonna happen," Mendelssohn says with a shake of his head. "What's your alternative?"

"How much do you know about apheresis?" 

"Not much; wasn't really my area. Something about taking the blood out and putting it back in?" Mendelssohn says with a frown. "Are you going to make us swap blood?"

"Not quite," Katz says and starts gesturing with her hands.

"Apheresis is basically taking the blood out of your body, filtering out specific parts through a cell separator and then putting whatever we don't need back in. It's much less taxing on your body which means we can do it more often," she says, keeping a close eye on Mendelssohn to make sure he's following. He nods and gestures for her to continue. "So, one of the more effective treatments we have for Kaiju Blue poisoning are platelet and plasma transfusions. I'm thinking that the fact that you have the same make-up, coupled with the super Kaiju goo in your systems, could be what he needs to pull through this."

"Okay, so you want to take my plasma and the goo and give it to him? Why all the cloak and dagger? What aren't you telling me?" Mendelssohn asks in confusion and Katz looks to the side.

"Like I said, this is a stab in the dark. I don't want to get your hopes up thinking it's going to be a miracle cure," Katz says and looks at him seriously. "What we'd be doing would be filtering out the kaiju substance from your blood and giving it to him. We saw signs of increased healing during the surgery, most likely attributable to the self-replicating properties of the substance. I think a lot of that may have gone into repairing the trauma from the accident, leaving him vulnerable in other areas. If we give him _more_ of it, it _might_ be able to repair whatever has caused the aphasia."

"You literally just left the room. You don't think this is something that's just going to, I don't know, go away on its own?" Mendelssohn asks and Katz tilts her head to the side with a slight shrug.

"It _is_ a possibility," she says in a dubious tone. "But given the nature of head injuries, I don't want to take that risk. Normally, I'd have him whisked up to imaging before you could say boo. We both know how that story goes. Right now, I think this is our best shot to head off any problems before they become major issues."

"Give me the worst case scenarios here," Mendelssohn says and then holds up a hand at the confused look she gives him. "I'm gonna do it, I just need to know what I have to tell Hermann."

"You know it's my job to explain this information, right? Nobody's expecting you to support _him_ through all of this. Him being in there is a privilege, he doesn't get a say in any of his treatment," Katz says and Mendelssohn pinches the bridge of his nose and wishes he'd been able to come up with a better lie.

"He's my friend, man. I can't just abandon him because... because..." Mendelssohn trails off; he's far too close to specifics and details and everything's going to get one-hundred percent more weird if he lets the cat out of the bag. "Look, just stop thinking you know what I can handle, okay? Give me the details so I know _why_ I'm doing what I'm doing. You deal with the medicine thing, I'll deal with the whole fucked up interpersonal relationship... _thing_."

"Fine," Katz says, lips thinning to a straight line. "I'm just trying to be a good friend in a rough time."

"I know, really, I get it. And, uh, good to know that you think of us as friends," Mendelssohn says ducking his head and rushing on before she can comment. "Just... stop trying to run interference. We're okay. We're dealing with shit in a fucked up situation and the fewer people who're involved, the better. Thanks, though. It's good to know there's someone on my side."

"Any time, Mend," Katz says with a sympathetic twist of her lips. "So, worst case scenarios? I can't really beat around the bush on this one - death. If he did hit his head during the accident, it's possible that he's bleeding into his brain, or there's a clot. The aphasia indicates that there's something not working right in the language centers, but they could very easily become problems in other areas if we don't get this under control soon. There's the possibility of stroke, or aneurysm; either of which could see him partially paralyzed, mentally impaired, or, potentially in a constant vegetative state."

"I feel like I just tried to self-diagnose on the net," Mendelssohn says and leans forward to let all his breath out in a steady stream.

"You did ask for the worst case scenarios," Katz says, apologetic. "Look, it's also possible none of that will happen. But this treatment I'm recommending? Doesn't really have a downside; the worst it does is make him heal a little faster, or nothing at all."

"Okay... okay," Mendelssohn says and takes a deep breath, wiping his hands off on his knees. "What do you need me to do?"

"Essentially? Not a whole lot. Follow me." She stands and walks out of the room, leading him down the hall and through some corridors until they get to a small room with a couple of comfortable looking chairs beside a pair of machines. "Technically, these belong to the Red Cross, so when shit hits the fan they're all theirs. Right now, we're good to go. Take a seat." 

Mendelssohn sits down and watches as she sets up the machine and walks him through the process. He just has to sit for two hours while the machine takes his blood, filters out the things Newt needs, and pumps the rest back into his body. He can do that.

He turns his head as she finds a vein and inserts the needle, grimacing as he feels the prick and the sensation of _wrongness_ as she tapes it down and it sits there. His skin crawls and he has to clamp down on the urge to jerk it out of his arm.

"Okay, you're all set," she says as she straightens and starts the machine, watching it for a moment to make sure it's running correctly and then turning back to him. "I'll be in and out until it's done, but there's a button on the wall behind you that'll page one of the nurses if I'm not around."

Mendelssohn nods and bites his lip as he watches the blood stream up through the tube and into the machine, before shaking his head and turning his gaze firmly to the tablet in front of him. "Two hours, you said?"

"It'll be over before you know it, man," Katz says and pats him on the shoulder. "Back shortly."

Mendelssohn settles in and swipes through the file, occasionally making notes and muttering under his breath.

Katz returns a few times over the first hour to make sure everything's going smoothly, and hangs around as the centrifuge starts the extraction process and starts pumping the blood back into his system.

"It's all looking good on this end so far," she says with a smile. "I'll have to run a few tests when it's done, but we should be able to get it into him before dinner."

"I know this is a massive Hail Mary, but... you don't think too much damage has been done, do you?" Mendelssohn asks eyeing the tube as it pumps the blood back into his system. "I mean, people have recovered from this, right?"

"I'm not going to pull any punches with you, okay? That's SOP for me," she says looking at him seriously. "It could be a long and difficult road ahead. If there are complications, he might have to relearn some very basic language skills; communication could be difficult while he undergoes therapy. And it's very possible that he won't ever completely recover. He'll be frustrated. _You'll_ be frustrated. But people have learned to live with aphasia and I think that you and him are just the kind of people who won't let it stop you."

Mendelssohn lets out a slow breath and stares at his tablet blankly. "Right."

"There's still a chance that this will fix him. We're breaking new ground here, dude," Katz says as she pushes herself to her feet. "You might be the first man on earth with a self-repairing brain."

"Brains can self-repair already," Mendelssohn says with a sigh. "I just- I don't care about anyone else's brain. I care about _his_."

"I don't know what to tell you, Mend," Katz says with a sympathetic look. "I've got a good feeling about this, though. Let's wait and see what happens before we start catastrophising, k?"

"You do whatever. My brain won't stop once it's got a hold of something," Mendelssohn says with a wry smile.

"Don't I know it," Katz says and squeezes his shoulder as she passes and leaves.

It's another forty-five minutes before the process finishes. Katz returns five minutes before the last of the blood trickles into his veins and then she's taping a cotton bud to the needle entry point and telling him to _drink the damn juice_ and _sit still_ for a while.

"Dr. Ayoade's signed off on the transfusion, but the registrar's on my back. I'm gonna get this prepped and make sure that Grade A Doofus doesn't screw things up." Katz pulls the bag of clearish liquid from the machine and holds it up to the light for a moment before looking at him again. "You'll be good to go in about fifteen minutes. Head back to Newt's room, I'll be down as soon as the registrar's dotted all the T's and crossed all the I's," she says and then she's striding out the door and Mend's left staring after her with tension spreading across his shoulders and anxiety tightening his gut.

He walks back into the room just as Newt wakes for a second time, grimacing in pain. Hermann fumbles to get the button into Newt's hand, hovering over him and stroking a hand through his hair until he settles, face resuming its blissful smile as he relaxes.

"You fell asleep, man. We didn't get a chance to tell you," he says softly, rushing around the bed to take his hand as Newt tries to focus on him. "She knows about you and Hermann, not about the three of us. They weren't going to let him in, I had to do something."

"What?" Newt asks in confusion and Mendelssohn stills.

"Are you asking because you were sleepy last time you were awake? Or because you legitimately don't remember waking up? Do you remember being awake before? Fuck, you better not have that amnesia thing like in Memen-"

"I 'member," Newt says swatting weakly at Mendelssohn's side. "I wanna know why you only told her about me'n German."

"Dude," Mendelssohn says with a glare. "You had regular freak outs about it _before_ you were lying in a hospital bed. I didn't think you needed the added _stress_."

"But... but now it's like me'n German are perks who don't scare about you," Newt says sadly and Mendelssohn lets out a frustrated noise and kisses Newt firmly.

"Everybody needs to stop thinking they know what I can handle," Mendelssohn says as he pulls back. "I'm not hooked up to a morphine drip _and_ I'm considered family. Neither of you assholes get a say in this."

"Shhh," Newt says, patting Mendelssohn's hand awkwardly. "If you're gonna be angry, be angry _quietly_." He raises his hand and points at his head with loose fingers. "Hurts."

"How bad is it? Do you want me to get a doctor?" Mendelssohn asks and presses his palm to Newt's forehead; he doesn't know why, his parents used to do it, but he's never really been in a position to care for someone himself. He knows the average human body temperature is ninety-eight point six, but he doesn't know what that feels like against the palm of a hand.

"Sleepy," Newt says petulantly, rolling his head to get Mendelssohn's hand off him.

"We'll let you get back to it. Just let us know if you want us to get a doctor, okay?" Mendelssohn says and Newt nods, letting his eyes drift closed.

"Mmm'kay," he murmurs as he nestles his cheek into the pillow. "Dove you."

Mendelssohn stops, hovering in the air above his chair as he stares at Newt for a moment before looking over at Hermann. " Did he just- Was that the morphine talking?" He asks, confused and a little stunned and Hermann just shakes his head, staring at Newt wide-eyed. "Was he talking to me or you?"

"I haven't the foggiest," Hermann says a little bewildered and then directs his gaze back to his laptop. "We'll have to ask him next time he wakes."

Mendelssohn slumps into the chair and frowns at Newt. There's a part of him that's pissed that he could drop a bombshell like that and then just fall asleep, and another that feels vindicated; he _knew_ why Newt hadn't wanted to have that talk. He _knew_ it. He _felt_ it.

He picks up his tablet and stares at it blankly before shoving it back down the side of the chair. Planting his elbow on the armrest, he rests his head in his hand and stares at Newt, waiting for him to wake up so he can answer some long overdue questions.

Katz walks in an hour later, holding the bag she'd left with and a needle. "Finally got him to get it through; there's no precedent for donations between one clone and another - pardon the language, but you know what I mean. The registrar's treating you as twins in the paperwork."

"Whatever, I don't care as long as you can do something for him," Mendelssohn says and gestures to the stand beside the bed. "Get it into him."

"What's happening? What are you 'getting into him'? What's wrong?" Hermann asks, sitting up straight and looking between Mendelssohn and Katz over top of the glasses perched on the end of his nose.

Katz gives Mendelssohn a significant look, pursing her lips and raising an eyebrow as she watches him open and close his mouth a few times before slumping and waving at her to take over.

"Newt's condition is worrying; the aphasia indicates there's something happening in his brain but without the ability to do any imaging, we can't try and pinpoint what the exact issue is and target it specifically," Katz says as she sets the needle on the bedside table and turning with the bag in her hand to give Hermann her full attention.

"Tell him _while_ doing," Mendelssohn interrupts. "I don't want to risk something awful happening because you took an extra minute to put the damn bag up."

Katz holds up a calming hand, giving him a pointed look clearly meant to indicate that he shouldn't tell her how to do her job, but then she's turning and hanging the bag and preparing to attach it to the drip line.

"During the surgery, Bhakta and I saw signs of healing during the procedure; they were small but noticeable. At this stage, we've attributed it to the substance in his system. What I've done is filter some of it out of Mendelssohn and we're going to give it to Newt. I'm hoping that it will target specific areas in his body that need healing like it appeared to on the day of the accident. It's very... experimental. I don't want you to think that this is going to be a miracle cure. Short of exploratory brain surgery, this is the best we've got."

Hermann looks over at Mendelssohn wide-eyed. "You d-"

"Nobody is cutting into his brain. _Nobody_. Not when we don't have any idea what's going on," Mendelssohn says with a glare. "If something goes wrong and he can't- if it _changes_ who he- If nobody can- This is a freaking _nightmare_ come true. You saw how freaked he was when he realized we couldn't understand him. If it goes _beyond_ that? If he can't _think_ like he does? It'd-... It'll destroy him."

Hermann stares at him, eyes narrowed and lips tight and thin as he thinks, then gives a conceding nod.

Mend sighs and waves a hand at Katz to continue. 

"You can stay while I finish setting up the transfusion bag, but I'm going to need you guys to leave when that's done," Katz says and Mendelssohn jerks upright in his seat.

"What? Why? You didn't say anything about that before," he says pointing at Katz accusatorially.

"It's just for a while and it's mostly for your own benefit," she says as she attaches the bag to the drip line and taps it to get the liquid flowing. "This is going into his system and it'll be distributed wherever the body sends it - or potentially wherever it wants to go. I suspect that it's going to be focusing on the mass trauma in his abdomen and that's not useful to us right now." She picks up the needle and looks at them significantly. "I want to get this stuff as close to his brain as possible - through the jugular. Not going to lie to you - there can be difficulties with the jugular as an injection site, but this isn't my first time at the rodeo. It can be distressing for family members to watch so to make sure this all goes smoothly, you're going to leave the room. A nurse is going to come in and we're going to numb the area and inject. You'll be allowed back in as soon as we're done. Sound good?"

"Do we have a choice?" Hermann asks bitterly and starts setting his things to the side - arranging his computer and notebooks on the rolling table and pushing it away so he can get up.

Mend follows Hermann out the door, throwing a look at Katz over his shoulder and she just shakes her head slowly and picks up the phone on the wall.

He leans against the wall beside Hermann and watches as a Nurse enters with a tray and closes the door behind her.

"You were gone for quite a while," Hermann says, pressing his shoulder against Mend's as he stares at the door. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. She just... pumped the blood out of me and then pumped it back in. Took a while." Mend shrugs and leans into Hermann. "This is the best shot we have."

"Is it really so dire?" Hermann says turning to look at Mend and there's a softness in his face as though the realisation that Newt waking up didn't end their worries is only just kicking in.

"Could be," Mendelssohn says and he has to look away; Hermann looks too vulnerable right now and it's only a matter of time before he does something stupid like hug him. "I'm not medical, but... it's in his brain. You don't need me to tell you that shit could hit the fan at any second."

"Quite," Hermann says and the skin around his eyes is tightening, tension flowing back into the set of his shoulders.

"I wanna believe he's gonna be okay," Mend says softly. "I can't not. It's only been a couple of weeks but... I don't know what I'd do if he... I can't even imagine it."

"I know the feeling," Hermann says distantly. "You would still be here, but at the same time... you would not. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it."

"Growing up, I kind of thought it might have been cool to have a brother or a sister - someone to talk to while dad was at work... It was just me and him; I knew it wasn't going to happen. Now that I've pretty much got one? I don't want to go back to _not_." Mendelssohn pushes off the wall and paces in front of the door. "It's weird, right? How quick there being two of us just became _normal_."

"Very little about this situation is normal," Hermann says with a smile playing at the edge of his lips. "But I will admit that the situation has transitioned from disconcerting to natural relatively rapidly."

"Disconcerting, huh? That was your initial reaction?" Mend asks, raising an eyebrow at Hermann.

"They've yet to invent a word that encompasses a spectrum ranging from shocked to intrigued to fearful."

"Aroused. You forgot aroused," Mend says with a smirk and Hermann swats him on the shoulder.

"Quiet, you," he says as Mend snickers. "It will likely be _weeks_ before he's well enough for any of that sort of activity - just remember that. We've a long road ahead of us."

The smile slips from Mend's lips as he sobers. "Yeah, but, hey - we've still got a road."

"That we do," Hermann says, expression grimmer than Mend expected.

"Are _you_ okay?" Mend asks, pushing off the wall to stand in front of Hermann, hand resting on his shoulder tentatively. "I've been so caught up in what's going with him that I forgot to ask- Seriously, dude, are you okay?"

Hermann stares at Mend blankly for a moment before his face shifts into a tired smile, hand coming up to pat the one resting on his shoulder. "I believe it's all beginning to catch up with me," he says ruefully. "There's only so long one can run on determination."

"When they let us back in, you're taking a nap. No buts." Mend points a finger in Hermann's direction and raises both eyebrows, daring him to challenge the statement.

"No buts," Hermann agrees, eyes crinkling around the edges as his smile warms.

The door opens behind them and the nurse bustles back out with the tray, Katz following behind and pulling off her gloves. 

"It's all done. You can go back in. I'll check back in a few hours, but you let me know if anything changes, ok?" She says as she tosses the gloves in a nearby HazMat bin.

"Absolutely," Mend says, watching as Hermann smiles his gratitude at Katz and heads back into the room. "It didn't... hurt him, did it? The injection?"

"If he'd been awake, there probably would have been a psychosomatic response, but we numbed the area first - he didn't feel a thing," Katz says giving him a sympathetic smile. "He might feel a little tender when he wakes up, but that's the worst of it."

"Good, that's... good. We'll give you a call if anything happens," Mend says with a nod, waving at Katz as she walks down the hall before going back into Newt's room and closing the door behind him.

Hermann's sitting on the fold-out cot, staring down at his shoes and he looks up when Mend kneels before him.

"I can undo my own laces," he says as Mend starts on the knots.

Mend snorts. "I know you can, man," he says as he pulls the first shoe off and starts to work on the second. "But I was going to be down here anyway."

"Were you now?" Hermann says with an air of disbelief, eyebrow raised quizzically.

"Yup," Mend says, finishing with the other shoe and patting Hermann's legs until he raises them and lies down. "It's kind of hard to kiss you goodnight when I'm standing up." Mend leans down and kisses Hermann softly, fingers a gentle touch through his hair. "Get some rest. We'll still be here when you wake up."

Hermann smiles at him as he stands, head turning in the pillow to get comfortable and then his breath is evening out, skin and body relaxing in a way that he rarely is when awake. Mend watches him for a few moments, thankful that they get to have this respite, and then he's turning back to the bed.

He wants to think that the colour's returning to Newt's face, skin a touch pinker - less drawn, but he can't tell if it's just wishful thinking. 

Slouching down in his chair, he reaches out until his hand loosely clasps Newt's on the bed. His eyes get heavier and before he knows it, he's dozing. He drifts in and out of consciousness and he's been forcing himself to focus on Newt for so long that he hadn't realised how tired he is. The exhaustion runs deep, sinking into his bones, and now that he's letting himself relax it's weighing him down and pulling him under.

When he wakes, there's a crick in his neck and his eyes are crusty with sleep. He can hear a low murmur and as he yawns and stretches he realises that Hermann's standing and leaning over the bed.

"Izzy awake?" He asks, tongue smacking against the roof of his mouth as he tries to remove the fuzz. He rubs his eyes and sits up in time to see Newt's head roll on the pillow to look at him with a slightly loopy smile.

"'m 'wake," he says and Mend sits up straighter, reaching over to give Newt's hand a squeeze.

"Glad to hear it, buddy," Mend says with a slow smile. "How're you feeling?"

"Tell him what you just told me," Hermann cuts in, lips stretched in a smile he's clearly trying to contain and fairly thrumming in a way that Mend's rarely seen.

"M' bed doesn't hurt 's much," Newt says blinking slowly. "Wha'ever Katz gave m' is workin' good."

"That's great, man. Glad it's starting to-" Mend stops short and blinks at Newt. "Wait, what did you- What's my name?"

"Y're Mend," Newt says with a grumpy frown. "'n he's Hermann. Stop treatin' me like 'm stupid."

"No, dude, we're not. Seriously, we're so not," Mend says, a grin lighting up his face as he pulls himself up and smacks a wet kiss on Newt's forehead. "You've got proper nouns back! It's _working_!" He laughs as he clasps Newt's face and presses another kiss just above his eyebrow.

"Y'can understand me now?" Newt asks looking up at Mend with a touch of apprehension in his eyes. "Wha'd you do?"

"Mostly. There's still some hiccups but some of it's already sorting itself out." Mend straightens and runs a gentle palm over Newt's hair as he explains what happened.

"So 've got superpowers now?" Newt says when he's all caught up.

"I wouldn't put it that way," Hermann says and Mend pokes his tongue out at him.

"I would," he says cheekily and chuckles as Hermann narrows his eyes, purses his lips and shakes his head at him.

"What's _important_..." Hermann says turning his attention back to Newt, "...is that you're recovering. Do you need anything? Should we call a nurse?"

"We should get Katz down here anyway. She'll want to know the Hail Mary worked. I'll go call her," Mend cuts in before leaning down and kissing Newt softly on the lips. "You have _no_ idea how happy I am that you're getting better, dude. Seriously. You wouldn't believe it."

"Wha's with the kissin' in public? Steeple 're gonna see," Newt says with a confused frown.

Mend tenses and steps away, looking at the closed door and blinds as he shrugs and shifts in place. "Right, yeah, sure, just... glad you're getting better and- I'm gonna go call Katz. Let her know it's- yeah. I'll- yeah."

Mend grabs his phone and bustles out of the room with his head down, staring at the screen so he doesn't see the concern in Hermann's eyes. When the door shuts behind him, he stops and lets his shoulder's slump. 

He doesn't know what he expected. The drug-induced slip up had made him think that- but no, it had barely been an hour since the accident for Newt. He didn't have more than a week of anxiety and fear bubbling over into sloppy relief to make him drop his guard. 

Shaking his head, he calls Katz and lets her know what's going on. When he hangs up, he looks at the door with trepidation then turns on his heel and heads towards the commissary.


	2. Chapter 2

"How's he doing?" Tendo asks, pausing in his stride when he notices Mend sitting alone at a table in the corner.

"Getting better, I think," Mend says with a shrug. "He's awake now. Off his gourd on morphine, but the treatment's working and he's starting to speak right again."

"Say what? Treatment?" Tendo asks with a quirk of his eyebrow.

"When he woke up he was getting words wrong and stuff. Katz figured out a treatment and it looks like it's working," Mend says fiddling with the handle of his mug.

"And yet you don't sound happy about this," Tendo says shrewdly, eyes flicking towards the door before sliding onto the bench across from Mend. "What's going on?"

Mend shrugs uncomfortably. "It's nothing. Just me being dumb."

"Sure, man, that's why you're out here sulking," Tendo says and Mend sputters indignantly.

"I'm not _sulking_ ," he says emphatically. "I'm just- _ugh_." He scrubs his hands over his face and looks at Tendo tiredly. "He's all whacked out on drugs and he doesn't _get_ that we've been fucking _vigiling_ for over a week and he could have _died_ and it's fucking great that he's awake - seriously, I'm over the fucking moon about it - but, fuck, man. I just want to shake him and tell him to catch up already."

"He's been awake, what...?" Tendo looks at Mend expectantly."

"About an hour, total," Mend says, ducking his head in shame. "I know, man, I _know_. It'll be better when they start lowering his meds, maybe. It's just... even more frustrating now than it was before he woke up." Mend looks over at Tendo tiredly and shakes his head. "You've got shit to do. You don't need to listen to me bitching."

"S'cool, man. Everyone has to get things off their chest every once in a while," Tendo says pushing himself to his feet. "Tell you what, I'll bring you guys dinner again tonight and if Newt's still sleeping, you can come vent to me? Sound like a plan?"

Mend sighs and nods. "Sounds like a plan," he agrees reluctantly and holds his hand up in response to Tendo's high five.

"Hang in there, buddy," Tendo says as he scoops up his mugs and heads out the door back to LOCCENT.

Mend dumps his mug with the rest of the dirty dishes, shoves his hands in his pockets and trudges to Medical. When he walks into Newt's room, Hermann closes the door behind him unexpectedly and grabs him by the shoulder.

"Where on earth have you been? Katz has been and gone. He's asleep again. I was expecting you to make the call and return forthwith. What has gotten into you?" Hermann hisses, glaring down at Mend.

"Jeez, what's with the third degree? Can't a guy go get a cup of coffee anymore?" Mend says, glaring up at Hermann and shrugging off his hand.

"A _guy_ can go and get as much coffee as he pleases whenever he pleases," Hermann says in a pinched tone. "You, however, have been glued to Newt's side for the past _week_. For _you_ to go and get a cup of coffee _now_? Something is wrong. What is it?"

Mend shifts uncomfortably under Hermann's gaze, getting progressively more annoyed and frustrated the longer he's observed. "Nothing's wrong, man. Leave it alone, okay?"

"I most certainly will not," Hermann says with a scowl. "It's been you and me alone in a room with him and our anxieties for more than a week. If you start keeping things from me, I cannot _help you get through it_."

" _Exactly!_ " Mend says, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "It's just been _you_ and _me_. He doesn't _get_ what we've been going through. He has _no idea_ what it's been like. He's been unconscious and he hasn't had to hide _how_ worried he is or _why_ he's worried. He's just been fucking _lying there_ while I-" Mend cuts himself off abruptly, sucking in his lower lip and jutting out his chin as he tries not to say too much. "It's like you said - we've got different paths now. He's got a week of nothing, and I've... got a week of getting way more attached to him than... than he is to me."

"You are an idiot," Hermann says with a sigh and pulls Mend close, wrapping his arms around him and pressing Mend's head to his shoulder. "I cannot speak for him- I will _not_ speak for him. But your attachment is not as uneven as you believe." Hermann pulls away and looks down at him with a soft smile. "I'm on the outside, remember? I see things you cannot. I've seen him look at you when he thinks you're not looking. I've seen him pull you closer in his sleep. I've seen the feelings neither of you seems able to express."

"I want to have The Talk with him," Mend says, eyes widening in disbelief at the words coming out of his mouth. "Like, deep down, I _know_ \- he's _me_. But I can't do that to him when he's like this; it just feels... wrong."

"You'll get your chance. There will be chances," Hermann says with a small, pleased smile. "Dr. Katz says his prognosis is good since treatment started. His words are less... jumbled, now. She ran the test again; it's not just his proper nouns that are returning. She's going to see how he fares over the next few days, but she still has a few phials of the substance from your blood that she can use to speed things along if necessary."

"Good... good," Newt says and steps away from Hermann to look at Newt on the bed. "How long was he awake this time?"

"Forty-five minutes, give or take," Hermann says coming to stand beside him. "He didn't seek out medication until towards very end. Katz suspects the pain he complained of before the treatment was not significantly abdominal. We may have come closer to losing him than we could have guessed." 

"It'd be just like me to throw a curveball when you least expect it," Mend says with a twist of his lips. He feels something brush against his hand and jerks away before glancing down and realising it's Hermann. "Sorry. It's been a while since anyone wanted to hold my hand."

"You should be warned: it may be quite a while until I want to _stop_ ," Hermann says and gives Mend's hand a squeeze. 

Mend feels his cheeks heat and has to look away as he squeezes back. 

"Tha's the worst 'merican gothic 've ever seen. Are you holdin' bands?" Newt's voice from the bed startles Mend and makes him try to pull his hand away but Hermann keeps a firm hold.

"We've been holding _your_ hands for the better part of a week," Hermann says pointedly. "Did we wake you? You've barely been out for half an hour."

"Nah, jus' wasn't 'sleep anymore," Newt says voice slow and thick. "When c'n I go home?"

"Maybe when they've weaned you off the morphine a little," Mend says with a shrug. "Just a thought."

"Wanna take the needles out," Newt says with a pout and reaches for the IV taped to his forearm. 

" _No!_ " Both Mend and Hermann shout as they lurch forward and grab Newt's hands. Hermann raises the needle free arm and kisses his fingers while Mend holds down his other.

"I know you hate needles, but you need that," Mend says, rubbing Newt's arm in apology. "It's got the stuff in it that's making you better. I gave you it; don't want you wasting it."

"Izzat... Tha's you in me?" Newt asks, squinting up at Mend. "S'why I feel... unimportant?"

"Wait, what? What is- I don't- What?"

"Keep feelin' like... like I shouldn' be here... Like I should shut up." Newt looks a little hazy and then he's twisting his arm in Mend's grasp and reaching up to pull him down to the bed. "If tha's you... y're _stupid._ Don' wanna feel like this. You... you shouldn' feel like this. Y're a _dumbass_."

Mend holds himself up above the bed, trying not to press down on Newt as he feels him pull his arm away from Hermann and wrap around his back. Swallowing, he presses his head to Newt's shoulder, unable to think of any sort of coherent response. "I don't..." he manages before Newt's scoffing in his ear.

"Y're _me_. Y're th' _same_ as me. Y' should'n shut up; don' wan' you to," Newt says and he's pressing a slightly too moist kiss to the side of Mend's head.

Mend feels a hysterical burble of laughter hiccup out of his throat and tears prick his eyes as he presses his face further into Newt's neck. "What happened to the whole 'no kissing in public' thing?" 

"Tha' was b'fore I knew it was y'r stupid ass makin' me feel like I wasn' good enough," Newt says and tugs on Mend again. " Get in here. Wanna cuddle."

"Fuck, man. I'm still not allowed on the bed," Mend says as he pulls away and takes Newt's hands from around him, squeezing them as he presses them down to his chest. "If your stitches tear you'll just be in here longer."

"Meh," Newt says emphatically, head turning grumpily on the pillow to stare at the wall. "Wanna go home."

"I know you do, buddy," Mend says, stroking his fingers through Newt's hair. "Maybe if this stuff works as well on the rest of you as it has on your head, they'll let you out sooner."

"Y'think?" Newt asks turning wide, hopeful eyes on Mend and he looks so small and frail in that instant that Mend feels his heart clench.

"I hope so," Mend says and glances over to Hermann. "We want you home as much as you want to _be_ home."

Newt looks over at Hermann as he steps closer to the bed and nods slowly. "Right..."

"I know this totally isn't the right time, but I gotta ask, man," Mend says straightening a little and looking down at Newt seriously. "You didn't want to be in the same _room_ as any sort of emotion related conversation _before_... Why now?"

"''pparently I nearly died," Newt says through a yawn and reaches up and pats Mend's cheek with a beatific smile. "Put some things in p'spective. Y're all the things I _hate_ 'bout me, but at the same time, y're all the things I _like_ 'bout me. N'if _I_ can't like me, how can I 'spect him to?"

Mend glances over at Hermann who's looking back at him with a raised eyebrow and ducks his head. "You were comatose for a week and somehow managed to get super fucking deep. Y'gotta teach me that skill sometime."

"'ve got hidden depths," Newt says and sinks into the pillow, eyes drifting closed. "Shh, now. Gonna sleep more. Get better more. Go home."

"Sounds like a plan, man." Mend leans over and presses a kiss to Newt's forehead. When he steps away, he notices Hermann staring at him perplexed. "What?" He asks in a whisper, gesturing for Hermann to walk away from the bed.

"He could _feel_ you? Your emotions?" Hermann says as they move into the far corner of the room.

"I guess?" Mend says shrugging as he looks back at the bed. "We don't know anything about how this stuff works. Putting my stuff in him? It seemed like it wouldn't be a problem given that it's the same in both of us, but maybe it's like, I don't know, memory foam? If it works by using our DNA to create a copy, maybe it doesn't just take things like green eyes and a predisposition to myopia; it takes _everything_ \- thoughts, emotions, memories. I mean, Newt and I were _completely_ indistinguishable from each other right at the beginning, right down to the tattoos. We knew _everything_ about each other, it makes sense that the goo holds emotional memories and whatever, too."

Hermann nods consideringly then turns a shrewd eye on Mend. "You never said you felt unimportant." 

"Well, no," Mend replies, shifting uncomfortably. "I'm healthy. I'm okay. I'm... this whole thing. Putting someone else first is a new thing for me and I'm probably not doing it right. Didn't really feel important enough to point out."

"We've told you multiple times that it's absolutely _not_ the case," Hermann says at a loss. "We've tried to _show_ you that it's not the case. You are not _unimportant_. How can we make you believe it?"

"Look, it's just something that's there, alright? It's not gonna change," Mend says scrubbing a hand through his hair. "You know what every single one of my report cards had in common? It wasn't 'super smart, amazing, we're giving this boy some harder work'. It was _attention seeking_. There was barely enough attention when there was _one_ of me. Now that there's _two_? It's gotta be split somewhere and I'm just the _other_ version of me."

"That's not how it works, Newton," Hermann says, reaching out to him, but Mend shies away.

"Don't. It's getting to the point where that name doesn't fit right. It's like crawling under my skin; I'm not _him_ anymore," Mend says, looking up at Hermann sadly. "I don't know if I ever will be again."

"Come here, Mendelssohn," Hermann says and reaches out once more, pulling Mend to his chest and rubbing a hand up his back. "You are both becoming different people. The very act of living changes us. There is space - and _attention_ \- for both of you."

Mend shrugs and remains silent and Hermann sighs.

"We are tired and we are stressed. When this is all over - when he is back in our- _your_ bed and- and in the lab, where he's _supposed_ to be, we'll show you. We'll _tell_ you. We'll _keep_ showing and telling you and it will become normal. One day, it will become apparent that there aren't two of _you_ ; there's two distinct individuals built from the same stuff and each growing in different and remarkable ways. You'll see." Hermann kisses Mend's temple and rests his cheek on the crown of his head. "What I wouldn't give to have us all curled up in bed together, warm and sated and happy. Feels like so long."

"Did Katz say anything about releasing him?" Mend asks, closing his eyes and clamping down on the urge to argue for once in his life.

"Nothing specific. His stitches are healing well; no sign of infection. He's allowed to drink clear liquids now, so if he asks, you can give it to him. She did say something about lowering his pain medication over the next few days - that's a good sign..."

"Awesome. He's going to go nuts now," Mend says, turning his head to the side to rest on Hermann's shoulder as he looks over at Newt. "We should get him a coloring book or something."

"Tendo already has plans to. He knows you too well to let that opportunity pass," Hermann says and Mend can hear the smile in his voice. "I think he's looking forward to Newt being back almost as much as we are."

"Yeah. Probably misses the breakfast entertainment," Mend says and pulls away. "We should probably think about switching over to shifts. Getting back into work."

"We'll run it past him when he wakes up," Hermann says, watching as Mend makes his way around the bed. "I think perhaps it's your turn to nap; the chair didn't look at all comfortable." He reaches out and places a hand on Mend elbow, guiding him over to the cot. "No buts."

Mend starts to protest but sees the worry in Hermann's eyes and relents. He crawls onto the cot and lies on his side, hugging the pillow to him as he stares over at Newt. He hears a groan and looks over at Hermann in concern, eyes widening as he watches him lower himself down to the cot. 

Hermann settles against the curve of his stomach and twists to the side to look down at Mend and brush his fingers through his hair. "We're going to get through this, you and I. It's a marathon, not a sprint and we're on the home stretch."

"I know," Mend says with a sigh, feeling bad for enjoying the attention Hermann's lavishing on him. "I'm just... frustrated."

"It's a very frustrating time." Hermann's fingers against his scalp are sending pleasant skitters of sensation down his back and Mend has to clamp down on the urge to push him away. "I do worry. About you," Hermann says and gives a gentle smile. "It should be a given that I'm worrying about him, but you... you're trying so hard to take it all on and support me, and encourage him, and be strong for all of us. You don't have to. The impact this is having on you... the changes you're going through... it's like I'm watching you... _mature_." Hermann looks so fond that Mend's breath catches in his throat and even if he could speak, he wouldn't know what to say. "Be the man you need to be, _become_ the man you are going to become, but, please... do not let this overwhelm you; do not lose your _spark_. I cannot imagine a Geiszler without your _joie de vivre_." Hermann leans down and kisses him softly; thumb stroking soft and gentle over his cheek. "This is temporary. This is all very, very temporary."

"Thanks," Mend says, lips twisting at the side. "I just want it to all be over."

"It will be soon," Hermann says and kisses him again. "Get some rest. It feels more manageable when you're not so tired; trust me." He straightens and braces himself against the edge of the bed and then slumps. "Give me a push, would you?" 

Mend twists around and places a hand on the small of Hermann's back, adding stability as Hermann grabs onto the chair and pulls himself up.

"We should probably switch off nights, too. I don't think this cot's doing either of us any favors," Mend says and Hermann looks down at him dubiously.

"Perhaps," he says in a wary tone. "Sleep now. We'll make decisions later."

Mend hugs the pillow tighter to his chest, watching as Hermann lowers himself into his chair with a soft _oof_ , before closing his eyes and letting himself drift.

The next few days are practically a vacation compared to the horror of the past week. Newt spends the first alternating between being blissed out on drugs, and cranky at not being allowed to go home. The second and third see him as an unholy mix of the two as Katz begins to lower his dosage.

"Okay, we're just going to take it down a notch or two so you won't be so overwhelmed by it. You'll start to feel some pain, but that's good - you need to know your limits as you start to move around more," Katz says as she programmes the new dose into the PCA dispenser. "On the upside, I'm going to take your training wheels off and let you raise the bed a little."

"Awesome," Newt says in a bland monotone. "Are you going to take the training wheels off my arms, too? I wanna bug someone."

"You already are, dude," Katz says with a wink and Newt stares at her blankly.

"What? Wait, is that one of the words that hasn't caught up yet?" Newt asks looking a touch embarrassed.

"You'll get there, don't worry. You've recovered a significant amount of your vocabulary in the past couple of days. There's bound to be a few stragglers," Katz says and moves to the side of the bed to pick up the wired remote. "Okay, I'm going to raise you up a few degrees, let me know if it hurts."

Newt gives a thumbs up and takes a slow breath as he hears the mechanism kick in and the mattress starts to bend beneath him. She stops when he's at about thirty degrees, but it's the most movement he's had in a while and he can feel it. He grimaces at the tightness and shifts a little and then Katz is reaching for the remote again.

"Does it hurt? I can lower you if-"

" _No_ ," Newt says reaching out to hold her arm away. "I've got bits coming out of me that didn't used to be coming out of me and it all feels _weird_. Gimme a second to adjust."

"No bravado; If it hurts, you tell me," Katz says sternly and Newt pats her arm before shifting again.

"It doesn't hurt, I swear. I just..." Newt pats his side and pulls a face. "What do I do with the..."

Katz looks down at his hand and something clicks. "The colostomy bag? Is it pulling? Let me have a look." She flips back the blanket and lifts his gown to look at the stoma. "It seems okay; no inflammation or other signs of infection."

"It feels _weird_ ," Newt says and pulls a face. "Just hanging there."

"You'll get used to it," Katz says as she lowers the blanket and pats him on the shoulder comfortingly. "But not too used to it, it's only temporary. You're healing fast, but we want to be absolutely sure everything's fixed before we go messing with things."

"Meh," Newt says and pulls a face at the lump under the covers. "But I'm allowed to bug people, right? That's a thing that can happen? Because, y'know, trauma and, uh, emotional comfort, and... stuff."

Katz closes her eyes and shakes her head with a fond smile. "Yes, you can be hugged. Emphasis on _be_. Two rules: one - they come to you. I don't want you straining and tearing your stitches. Two - left side of the bed _only_. Don't want anyone leaning on anything and pulling it out, do we?"

"Ugh, no," Newt says with a shudder. "Are we done now? Can they come back in?"

"Yes, they can come back in," Katz says with a smile. "I'll come by and check on you again this afternoon. If you're feeling up to it, we'll try a short walk around the room?"

"You've only just got me sitting, now you want me walking? You just said they had to come to me so I don't rip my stitches. What gives?" Newt says, frowning up at Katz in confusion.

"The problem is the bending; we don't want you stretching your abdominal muscles _too_ much at this stage, but walking will help you loosen up and heal faster. Most of the pain you're feeling at this stage is probably muscle spasms from being immobile," Katz says and then raises an eyebrow. "Do you want that catheter out?"

"Oh my god, _yes_ ," Newt says grabbing onto Katz's arm and staring at her pleadingly. "I will jog around the Shatterdome if that's what it takes to get that thing out."

"Easy there, tiger," Katz says and pats Newt's hand before gently prying it off. "We'll remove it this afternoon. If you're not up to walking, you're going to have to use a bedpan, but them's the breaks, kid."

"Ew. I'll walk, I'll walk, sheez."

Katz smirks at him and backs towards the door. "Remember, if anything starts feeling strange or hurting-"

"Call the nurse, I got it, I got it," Newt says and winds her up with a single hand. "Come on, I haven't been bugged in _seventeen years_."

Katz shakes her head and opens the door. "Guys? You can come back in now," she says as she walks through. "I'm going to let him tell you the news, but just remember: left side _only_."

Hermann and Mend exchange a frown and walk cautiously into the room. 

"Newt?" Hermann says warily as he walks towards the bed. "Katz said you had some news for us?"

"Over here, left side, left side. Close the door," Newt says making grabby motions with his hands.

Mend closes the door and follows Hermann to the other side of the bed. "What is it, man? You're freaking me out a little."

"Lean in, real close," Newt says and waits until they're both leaning over him before wrapping his arms around their necks and kissing each one sloppily on the cheek. "I'm allowed bugs again!"

Mend and Hermann stiffen in confusion before it clicks and they lean in further and squeeze.

"Dude, that's awesome," Mend says into Newt's neck, eyes closing as he breathes him in and tightens his grip. Newt feels warm and solid under his hand, though he can't shake the sense of fragility he's constructed around him, but holding him in his arms again finally makes him believe that they're not going to lose him. "You have no idea how much I've missed this."

"Bet if I remembered the past couple of weeks, I'd've missed it, too," Newt says and presses his cheek close to Mend's. "Okay, one or both of you needs to get in here. Katz said left side only, but we can make it work. Come on."

"There are very few circumstances that would see me climbing in a bed that height with you. Besides, I believe you demanded that Mend give you 'cuddles' yesterday," Hermann says with a fond smile as he straightens, pulling away and giving Newt's shoulder a squeeze.

Mend snorts. "I can hear the airquotes, man," he says and nudges Hermann to the side. "Outta the way, I will totally climb up there." Lowering the side rail, he hoists himself up and twists to lie down before halting in mid-air with a stricken look and his hand hovering over Newt's chest.

"What?" Newt asks with a frown. "You're not gonna hurt me."

"It's not that. I-" Mend says glancing from Newt's face down to his torso. "I don't want to put my hand on your shitbag."

"You d- _You're_ a shitbag, buttface." Newt slaps Mend on the shoulder and pulls him closer. "Lie down."

"No, seriously. Where is it?" Mend says, tensing up so Newt can't move him any further.

Newt glares and grabs Mend's hand, shoving it up onto his shoulder. "You're safe up there. My shoulder is _nowhere near_ my _shitbag_. Remind me again why I wanted to hug you?"

"Fuck you, I didn't want to accidentally _rip it out_. That'd suck for both of us. Mostly for you, but-"

" _Mostly_ for me? Dude, how could it suck for _you_? _I'd_ be the one with a gaping hole in me. You'd-"

"Ah, sweet music," Hermann says in a droll tone as he rolls his eyes and sits down in his chair. "You know, I thought I'd missed the sound of you two arguing but as it turns out... I didn't."

Mend and Newt shut up in sync and turn to face Hermann, simultaneously blowing raspberries at him.

"I have not missed _that_ , either _,_ " Hermann says with his lips pursed in a way that means he's trying to hide a smile.

"Liar," Newt says and holds his hand out to Hermann over the edge of the bed. "You've totally missed it all."

Hermann takes Newt's hand but shakes his head. "I'll not admit to it."

"Not admitting it's not the same as not feeling it," Mend points out with a smirk.

"I have nothing more to say on the matter," Hermann says with an air of superiority, but doesn't let go of Newt's hand.

"You're a lying liar who lies," Newt says pulling a face at Hermann. "Could get used to the hand-holding thing, though."

"I'll make a note of it," Hermann says face shifting into a warm smile.

"God, I almost forgot what it was like to touch someone," Newt says, resting his cheek on Mend's forehead and tightening his grip around his shoulders. "Kind of got used to it before the accident."

Mend tenses and when he looks over at Hermann, he can see the strain around his eyes and the grim set of his jaw.

"Hey, I'm here. I'm okay. It wasn't that bad, was it?" Newt says looking between them, expression becoming more rattled the longer it takes them to respond.

"You were in a coma," Mend says eventually, voice quiet as he presses a kiss to Newt's shoulder and avoids his eyes. "They couldn't monitor you while you were in surgery and they said we-... they weren't sure you were going to wake up."

"Shit. And I've been lying here making jokes about nearly dying. No wonder you've been freaked out," Newt says and then he's letting go of Hermann's hand and hugging Mend tight.

"We're not freaked out," Mend says with a shake of his head, squeezing Newt's shoulder and resisting the urge to wrap his arm around his torso and hug him properly. 

"You couldn't have known." Hermann leans in, placing a hand on Newt's knee and squeezing. "We're just... relieved. And tired."

"About that... You guys should probably, y'know, stop staying here overnight," Newt says and holds up a hand at the first sign of protest. "You don't need to watch me while I'm sleeping, because that's all I'm gonna be doing. Just looking at that cot makes me uncomfortable, that can't be good for you, Herm."

"We were going to ease you into it," Hermann says, looking wary and unconvinced. "Switch off during the day and return to work in the lab."

"Someone was always going to be with you," Mend adds and Newt shakes his head.

"No, guys, seriously. Katz said she wants me walking this afternoon. I don't think I'm going to be in here much longer," Newt says and Mend rises on an elbow to look down at him in shock.

"Already? That seems kind of soon," he says and Newt shrugs.

"Just saying what she told me. You don't think it's a good sign? I mean, if she wants me moving, it's only a matter of time before I can go home, right?" 

"It's very good news," Hermann says giving Newt a genuine smile. "We're just worried you're pushing yourself."

"I'm gonna be _fine_."

Four hours later he's singing a different tune.

"I'm gonna _die_ ," he grinds out, fingers digging tightly into Mend's shoulder as he breathes harshly through his nose. "It hurts."

"Where? Where does it hurt, Newt? Scale of one to ten." Katz takes hold of Newt's other hand and ducks down to look at his face, staring intently."

"Six or seven," Newt says as he curls into Mend, shifting his weight so that Mend's holding him up and pressing his forehead against his neck. "Feels like pins and needles but... _lightning_."

"Have you been doing your exercises? You can't just lie to me and expect things to go well," Katz says, giving Newt a stern look and giving Newt's shoulder a gentle push to get him to turn. "Back on the bed, we'll try again-"

"I've been doing them!" Newt spits, hissing as he turns and bats her hand away. "You think I'd just fucking _ignore_ you? I've been doing them and it still fucking _hurts_!" He scrunches his eyes closed and his breath comes in short, sharp gasps. "Just give me a second, let me-" He taps a foot against the ground, gasping with every pat until he's able to straighten more and relax a little. "It's different standing. I was fine on the bed but then my feet touched the ground and it hurt. That's it."

"You're sure?" Katz asks taking a tentative step away. "We can put you back to bed and try again tomorrow if it's too much."

"I'm _fine_ ," Newt says and takes a deep breath. Grasping onto the handrail and Mend's shoulder he takes a tentative step, foot light and unsure as he gets used to the throb in his side and the weight of the colostomy bag. "Come on, I used to do this all the time. It's _walking_ for chrissake."

"Careful, man, don't want you falling," Mend says as Newt slips his hand from around Mend's shoulder to hold onto the bed as he moves.

"Go slow," Hermann says, moving to the end of the bed. "Take however much time you need."

"I don't need _time_ ," Newt says as he takes a few more slow steps, inching closer to Hermann. "I need a hug." He holds an arm out, smiling tiredly at Hermann until Hermann steps under it and wraps his arms lightly around Newt's back. "God, I've missed this."

"And I, as well," Hermann says as he presses a kiss to the side of Newt's head, eyes glistening. 

Katz looks over at Mend and he shrugs and looks away uncomfortably. She sighs and pulls open the door, sticking her hand out and hiding something behind her as she closes it again.

"I don't want to break up this moment," she says, glancing at Mend and he cringes inwardly. "But you're probably going to need a little help getting around for the first few days or so..." 

Newt looks up as she holds out a cane, grey steel with an ergonomic handle and four feet for added stability.

"Awesome," Newt says in a dry tone, looking at the cane with suspicion. "All I need is an ugly sweater vest and my Dr. Gottlieb cosplay is complete."

"I'm not lending you my clothes so you can mock me in the halls." Hermann stares at the cane with equal unease. "It's only for a little while," he murmurs, rubbing a comforting hand up Newt's back.

"It'll be like we're twins," Newt says with a half-smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"Because we don't have enough of those already," Hermann says with a snort and holds his hand out to take the cane. "May I?"

"You want to show him how to use it?" Katz asks as she hands it over.

"Of the three of us, I think I am most qualified," Hermann says and takes the cane from her, wrapping his fingers around the handle and squeezing it with a frown. "We're going to need some cushioned tape and we'll get you a glove." He directs the former to Katz and the latter to Newt as he passes it over. "Hold it in your left hand and make sure it's firmly planted. You'll want to move the cane forward when you move your right leg."

"That's completely counterintuitive, you realize that, right?" Newt says, still holding onto Hermann as he gets a feel for the cane in his hand.

"The objective is to support yourself and not place strain on the injured area, which you _will_ if you push down while moving your left leg or hold it in your right hand." 

"You switch hands all the time. I've seen it," Newt says with a frown.

"I do not have an 'injured area'," Hermann says, chin dimpling as he purses his lips. "I'm simply trying to stay upright." He clears his throat and shifts away a bit. "Did you want to try by yourself?"

"Yeah, I-... Yeah. I didn't think." Newt looks at Hermann, eyes sliding down to Hermann's cane before he looks away and clears his throat. "Okay, I'm gonna try it." 

He straightens and takes his weight off Hermann, fingers flexing on the grip as he wobbles in place. Katz and Mend both move silently to stand nearby, holding their arms out just in case. He takes a few tentative steps and pauses, breathing slowly and shallowly as Mend and Katz exchange a worried look over his head.

Newt takes another few steps, face set in determination and spare arm curled protectively around his stomach, and stops again, closing his eyes and standing still. His knuckles are white and he's swaying in place.

Mend unconsciously moves closer, arm hovering around his shoulder as he tenses. "You okay, man?"

Newt is silent for a while and then looks up with a lopsided smile. "I'm walking."

All the tension rushes out of Mend and he grins back. "You look like Bambi," he says with a hiccupping laugh.

Newt flips the bird at Mend. "You smell like Flower." 

"Hey, hey! Look who's up and about!"

Newt shuffles slowly around until he can see Tendo standing in the doorway.

"Tendooo!" Newt calls, holding up an arm and waiting until Tendo dumps the stuff he's carrying on the table and comes over to give him a hug. "Good to see you, man."

"Good to see you not asleep," Tendo says, patting him on the back and stepping away. "It's like you had an alarm set; Tendo's off shift, time to pass out."

"What can I say, it's been a rough week," Newt says with a wry smile.

"That's an understatement if ever I heard one." Tendo smirks.

"Tell me about it, man," Newt says and he's beginning to look a little strained.

Mend nods over at Katz and she steps in. "You look ready to lie down again," she says with a raised eyebrow.

Newt closes his eyes and swallows, beads of perspiration beginning to form on his brow. "Yeah, I could-... I could lie down."

Stepping in, Mend takes Newt by the elbow and Hermann clears his throat.

"Offer your shoulder. Let him take the support if he needs it," Hermann says pointedly and Mend flushes and steps away, lowering his shoulder.

"Chill, Quasimodo," Newt says prodding Mend's shoulder. "I can reach that high."

"I'm just trying to _help_ ," Mend says brow furrowing as he straightens and stands still.

Newt puts his hand on Mend's shoulder and squeezes comfortingly, nudging him to start walking forward. "S'okay, dude. Just get me back to bed."

"You're going to want to turn around and lean against the edge of the bed when you get there," Katz says stepping between Newt and Tendo to help guide him. "Okay, now lean to the side and roll onto your back."

"I'll get there... I'm just... gonna have a little rest," Newt closes his eyes and rests on his side, breathing heavily into the pillow. "Is that lo mein, Tendo, you asshole?"

"Ah, yeah. I brought Hermann and Mend dinner. Been doing it for days. Which you'd _know_ if you were ever awake while I was here," Tendo says and Newt snorts and looks over at Katz.

"Can I...?"

"We'll try you out on something soft tomorrow," Katz says and raises the guardrail. "See how you go with liquids first."

"I miss chewing," Newt says dramatically and takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm rolling over. You're gonna wanna move if you don't want to get flashed."

"Wouldn't be the first time," Tendo says with a shrug.

Hermann looks over at Mend and raises an eyebrow.

"If you ever came out drinking with us, you'd know these stories," Mend says blandly and looks at Newt on the bed.

"Okay, I'm just gonna... lie here. And have some drugs," Newt says letting his arm flop off the side of the bed. "Everyone here who's seen me naked - which is, um, all of you - you can never say I don't have abs; I can _feel_ them, oh my god."

"Is it hurting? Let me see your stitches," Katz says and reaches for Newt's gown. "You're supposed to be limiting the strain on your abdomen."

"It's fine. It's not my- hey, stop, I'm _fine_ ," Newt says batting Katz's hands away. "I just walked for the first time in, what? Two weeks? _Everything_ hurts."

"No bravado?"

"No bravado. Scout's honor," Newt says solemnly, holding a hand up in a facsimile of a scout salute.

"Why do I get the feeling you were never a scout?" Katz narrows her eyes at Newt and Mend snorts.

"Because we never were," he says with a shake of his head. "You're sure you're okay?"

"Dude, stop. Just... stop. Can you all just eat your delicious smelling food and have a regular conversation and stop treating me like I'm gonna break?" Newt says slapping his hand against the mattress in frustration.

"Sorry, man," Mend says and pulls his chair back over to the side of the bed. "Okay, let's eat."

"I'll check in on you before lights out," Katz says as she heads towards the door. "Remember, if you need to go, get one of these guys to help you or page a nurse."

"I know, I know," Newt says waving her off with a tired hand.

"Hey, Bev, wait up," Tendo says holding up a finger towards Newt and then following her out of the room.

"What's that about?" Newt asks, looking over at Mend.

"No idea, man," Mend says and stretches so he can see out the door.

Tendo and Katz have stopped just out of earshot and Tendo's saying something while looking up at her from under his eyelashes with a cheeky smile. Katz laughs and kisses him on the cheek, shaking her head as she walks away.

"I think he put the moves on her again," Mend says and settles down in his chair. "Trying for round two?"

Tendo smirks and shrugs, picking up the boxes off the table and handing them out. "We both work long hours and I thought she might be up for some fun. No harm, no foul."

"Struck out, huh?" Mend says as he digs into his lo mein, looking up at Tendo with his mouth full.

"The lady wants what the lady wants." Tendo shrugs and picks something up from the top of his box. "Oh, hey, gotcha a present," he says and hands him a book.

"Super Jaeger Adventures Coloring and Activity Book. Thanks, man," Newt says with a roll of his eyes and starts flipping through it. "Aw, come on, Knifehead had way more veins than that and, aw, man, look - the occipital ridge is all wrong." He turns the book to show Mend who pulls a face.

"Remind me never to get you a gag gift ever again," Tendo says and pulls over a chair from the corner to sit down.

"No, man, it's great, it's just... Do they really think Ceramander only had two claws? I mean it's just-"

"It's a children's book, Newton," Hermann says dropping his fork into the carton so he can pat Newt's ankle comfortingly. 

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Newt sighs and settles against the pillow, looking over the book at Tendo. "Did you bring pencils to go with this?"

Tendo holds a hand up to his mouth as he chews and digs into his pocket, tossing a packet over to him.

"Four tiny pencils? Really?" Newt says staring at Tendo with an unimpressed expression.

Mend swallows and waves his fork to head Tendo off. "I'll see what we've got in the lab tomorrow."

"Ok, cool. You realize I'm actually going to color this, right?" Newt asks and Tendo smirks around a mouthful of food. 

He glances at Hermann, who's smiling at him fondly and taking another mouthful, and then over to Mend, who isn't even paying attention to him, too caught up in whatever's in the middle of his dinner.

"Right. Well... I'm just going to put this book over my face and pretend I'm having olfactory hallucinations," Newt says and sighs into the spine of the book as he lowers it into place.

"Shit, man, I'm sorry. I didn't even think. This is just... this is what we did," Mend says lowering the carton to his lap and looking at Newt with worry. "Do you want us to go?"

"Nah. I just... want to eat," Newt says and pushes the book down far enough that he can peek over the top. " But if you wanted to eat a little faster, I wouldn't mind."

"Consider it done," Hermann says and Newt pulls the book back over his face so he doesn't have to watch them all shoving food into their faces with greater speed.

When they're finished, Tendo collects all the containers and dumps them in the trash down the hall while Hermann and Mend stand over the bed and look at each other with an air of uneasiness.

"Newt?" Mend says, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Newt, are you okay?"

Hermann reaches over and carefully lifts the book off his face and Newt snuffles and turns his head to the side, burying it in the pillow.

"He asleep?" Tendo asks as he returns.

"Yeah, I think the walk really took it out of him," Mend says with an apologetic half-smile. "Sorry you guys didn't get to talk more."

"Hey, it's just good to see him awake again. The three of you will be out and arguing in the halls in no time," Tendo says with a smirk. "I'll leave you to it. See you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Later, man," Mend says as Tendo heads back out the door.

"Goodnight, Tendo," Hermann calls after him.

"Whazzat? Izzy gone?" Newt stirs on the bed, blinking blearily up at them.

"You were asleep," Hermann says brushing his palm over Newt's hair. "We didn't want to wake you."

"Walking's harder than I remember," Newt says with a tired smile, eyes drifting closed.

"You look exhausted," Mend says, squeezing Newt's hand.

"You should go back to sleep. We'll still be here," Hermann says and leans down to kiss Newt's forehead.

"'bout that," Newt says rubbing at his eyes to try and wake up a little. "You guys should go back to the room tonight. You don't need to watch me sleep any more."

"It's okay, we don't mind," Mend says hurriedly, looking over at Hermann with a tinge of panic widening his eyes.

"You look exhausted. Both of you," Newt says pointedly. "Go sleep in a real bed. Just looking at that cot makes me hurt, and I _already_ hurt everywhere."

"But... What if you need to pee? Someone has to stay here so-"

"I can call a nurse, Mend," Newt says and squeezes his hand. "I'm gonna be fine."

"It would be nice to sleep on a real mattress," Hermann says wistfully, looking over at Mend as if to gauge what his stance is going to be.

There are deep dark rings under Hermann's eyes and his skin's beginning to look papery and thin. Mend hasn't looked too closely in the mirror recently, but he'd guess that he doesn't look much better.

"I don't... I don't want to leave you here alone," Mend says in a small voice.

"I won't be alone," Newt says comfortingly. "There are nurses and doctors and... you'll literally be five minutes away if something happens. Go home. _Sleep_."

"You really want us gone that bad?" 

"Asshat," Newt says and squeezes Mend's hand tighter. "I want you to get some rest. Take care of yourself... like... like you've taken care of me."

"You're sure?" Mend asks and glances over at Hermann; if there's anyone who could use a decent night's rest in a real bed, it's him. "One of us could stay-"

"Go home," Newt says, cutting Mend off. He smiles and pats Mend's hand. "Keep him warm. I'm just going to sleep for eighteen hours." Reaching up, he pulls his glasses off his face and is stretching towards the side table when Mend takes them out of his hand, folds them closed, and sets them down.

"I don't like this," Mend says, leaning down to give Newt a quick kiss on the forehead.

"Y'don't have to," Newt says as he closes his eyes. "But y're gonna do it."

Mend looks over at Hermann who holds out a hand to him. 

"We've been told," Hermann says with a sympathetic smile. "Come along, Mendelssohn. We'll check in before breakfast."

"Yeah, just... Just hang on a sec." Mend leans over the bed and carefully tugs the blanket out from under Newt's feet, pulling it up over his body and draping it over his chest. "See you tomorrow, buddy," he says low in Newt's ear, but Newt's already fast asleep.

Mend looks around the room at a loss. "Should we take our stuff?"

"We can sort it out tomorrow," Hermann says and waves him over. "He'll be okay for one night; the nurses check in every hour and if we're in your room, we won't be _woken up_ every hour."

"Yeah. Yeah, I-... Let's go." Mend shoves his hands in his pockets and walks out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> American Thursday and the last smidge of Australian Thursday. There's at least 36 hours of Thursday in the world so I'm calling it even.

They walk to the room in silence and when they reach their hall, Mend stops.

"You should go into your room for a little while. We shouldn't be seen going in together," he says uncomfortably.

Hermann's mouth thins, but he nods in concession. "I'll be over shortly."

Mend shrugs and continues into his room, closing the door behind him and staring at the empty space. 

It seems much bigger without Newt or Hermann in there and he remembers nights spent alone, focusing on whatever he could find to stave off the loneliness. He scrubs a hand over his face, fingers sliding up under his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose, and then he shakes his head and goes to brush his teeth.

He's sitting on his bed in his boxers when Hermann knocks, and he calls a tired _It's open_ without looking up.

Hermann ducks inside, placing a toiletry bag on the table and coming to stand in front of Mend.

"Are you okay?" He asks quietly, raising a hand to brush his fingers through Mend's hair.

"I guess," Mend shrugs and looks at Hermann. "I know he's going to be fine. He's just sleeping. They're monitoring him, everything's cool. But... it's the first time we've been away since they kicked us out of ICU."

"If anything happens, they will call us," Hermann says, looking as though it's as much to convince himself as Mend. "We need our strength to be there for him."

"I can't shake it," Mend says looking down at his hands. "I can't shake the idea that we're going to be down here sleeping and something's going to happen and I won't be there to..."

"To do what? Wait in the hall while they do everything they can?" Hermann asks sitting beside him and wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him closer. "He is getting better. His vocabulary has returned and he was out of bed and walking today. He's coming back to us."

"I know. I _know_. I know that there's nothing I can do and I should just be grateful that he's going to be okay, but it's _there_. The thought's there and it _won't go away_."

"I feel it too," Hermann says in a pensive tone. "The tension, the anxiety, the _what if?_ I want to be back there with him just as much as you. But he asked for this because he _cares_ about us." Hermann sighs and looks down at Mend tiredly. "I know you've been avoiding mirrors. I know you've been avoiding looking at yourself. But if you were not, you would see what I do whenever I see _myself_. We've run ourselves ragged for him. We are hanging on by a thread and naps are not going to cut it much longer. This is not the end of the world; we are not selfish or risking anyone's life if we take this night for ourselves and _sleep_."

"It could be the end of the world," Mend says eyes glistening as he looks up at Hermann. "It could be the end of ours."

"Oh, Mendelssohn," Hermann says and pulls him close to his chest, hugging him tight. "You are so _tired_. Everything looks bleak and harsh but it's not. It's... Things will look better in the morning." He pulls away and looks down at Mend with worry writ clearly upon his face. "Please... Will you lie down with me? Try and get some rest?"

Mend nods silently and moves away to crawl across the bed, slipping under the covers and lying on his back to stare at the ceiling as Hermann undresses. It's only a few minutes before he's pulling aside the covers and sliding in beside him.

"We'll be okay," Hermann says as he presses up beside Mendelssohn, draping an arm across his middle. "We'll all survive this one night."

"I hope you're right," Mend says and turns his head away so he doesn't have to see the worry in Hermann's eyes. He feels Hermann inch closer, giving him a light squeeze and lips are pressing against his bare shoulder before he's settling in to sleep.

He listens to Hermann's breath even out, arm going lax around him as he drifts off, and the snuffling snore begin low and rhythmic in his ear. Minutes tick by, maybe hours, but sleep doesn't come. He's exhausted, he knows he is - there isn't a single part of his body that isn't screaming for sleep - but he can't stop thinking about what might be happening up in Newt's room. All the minute details become bigger and bigger in his head as he stares at the ceiling and eventually he can't stand it anymore.

With gentle hands, he lifts Hermann's arm and slips out from under it, shifting across the bed until he can stand. Moving with as much care as he can, he slips on some pants and a tee before grabbing his shoes and making his way out the door.

He refuses to think about what he's doing as he sits on the steps to slip on his sneakers. All he knows is that if he stays in that room, he's going to get less sleep than he would in the chair beside Newt's bed.

He makes his way up to medical as fast as he can, jogging in work areas and slowing in residential, and soon he's approaching Newt's hall. 

The night nurse looks up as he walks down the hall with his head down and he can see her shake her head as he passes by. He shoves his hands a little deeper into his pockets and continues on until he reaches Newt's door. Cracking the door, he tiptoes in and waits a moment after the door snicks shut, checking to make sure he hasn't woken Newt.

The only sound from the bed is a low snore and that alone is enough to make him relax. He tiptoes across the room and lowers himself into the seat with care and watches Newt, mouth hanging open and arm drooping off the side of the bed. He slouches down in the chair and it feels like all the questions buzzing around his head that he couldn't turn off in his room... stop. His mind clears and he feels a tug of drowsiness pulling him into a doze.

He doesn't know how long he's been sitting there half-asleep, but Newt stirs and then he's reaching for his glasses and blinking at Mend. "Thought I told you to go back to the room," he says muzzily.

"Couldn't sleep." Mend shrugs.

"Where's Hermann?" Newt asks as he takes the bed control and raises himself up a little.

"In bed. Sleeping," Mend says and continues to stare at Newt, head resting heavy on his hand.

"Dude," Newt says with a shake of his head. "I _have_ to be here; I literally can't leave. Do you have any idea what I would give to be able to go home to Hermann right now?"

Mend snorts and looks away. "That's the thing, man... You've got Hermann now, what do you want with me?"

" _Duuude_ ," Newt says letting it out in a slow breath. He shakes his head and raises the bed a little higher, getting distracted for a moment at the slow whir. "Okay, that's cool; I feel like a Bond villain right now."

Mend huffs a soft laugh in spite of himself and Newt waves him closer to the bed.

"You wanted to have _The Talk_ so we're going to have _The Talk_. It's going to be weird and awkward and it's going to _suck_ , but we're going to have it," Newt says looking at Mend with his upper lip curled glumly. "Truth is, I don't know. But I _know_. You know? It's like... We've liked Hermann for years. At some point it turned into... love? Sort of 'I'm just happy you're here' love. Then _that_ love turned into 'we bone and then cuddle and I'm probably going to cry in front of you at some point' love. With you... I've known you _forever_." He smirks and holds out a hand, shaking it, impatient, when Mend doesn't immediately reach back. "I'm pretty sure we've got the same rationale, dude. I know what it's like. I _know_ how it feels to be in a constant state of _I'm awesome but I suck but I'm **awesome** but I **suck**_. But, y'know, I think you're awesome. _And_ I want to suck you."

The side of Mend's mouth twitches up in a smile, but then he shakes his head and looks away. "I dunno, man. I barely feel like myself anymore."

"I felt it... I think. I mean, I was off my gourd, but... does it feel like that all the time?" 

"Sort of? I just... You know. You _know_. Always gotta be... different. Gotta stand out; be _unique_. And then... you're there. How am I supposed to stand out from _myself_?" Mend looks at Newt at a loss and Newt tugs his hand.

"You already kind of do, man," Newt says, lips twisting in regret. "You remember when we were kids? When we were a kid? You know what I mean. You know what it felt like. Sitting in class and trying to follow along but the letters would jump around on the page and it hurt to try and make them sit still. Listening to Miss McCulloch talking to Dad and saying shit like _developmental disorder_ and _lagging behind his age group_ and thinking there couldn't possibly be anybody stupider than me on the planet. You're... you're like we were; closing yourself off because you don't have an argument for why everyone's _wrong_." Newt pulls on Mend's hand, trying to tug him closer. "Get in here, man."

"What if the nurse comes?" Mend says shaking his head.

"Then she's gonna see two identical dudes comforting each other. That's it," Newt says and tugs Mend's hand again. "It's been a long time since we gave a shit what anyone thought of us. Things started going pear shaped when we started up again."

Mend sighs and relents, lowering the guardrail and hoisting himself up to sit beside Newt. Toeing off his shoes, he raises his legs and curls up beside him, resting his head on one shoulder and a hand on the other.

"That's right, keep your hands off my shitbag," Newt says as he wraps an arm around Mend jostles him, teasing. "You don't need an argument, man. You don't have to be able to tell anyone _why_ they're wrong about you. You just have to know that they are. You're every bit as smart as you were when Miss McCulloch was calling us stupid behind our backs and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks; they don't get to decide who's important. _We_ are important."

"Dude, how did this become us versus the world?" Mend asks tilting his head up so he can see Newt clearly. "I just... I just wanted to know if you meant what you said."

"What'd I say? I say a lot of things, man," Newt says with a confused frown and Mend shrugs and looks away, not lowering himself back to the bed.

"The second time you woke up... You were just about to fall asleep and... and you said 'dove you'," Mend looks at Newt tentatively. "The aphasia thing made it a bit confusing but... did you mean it?"

"I don't even know what was happening with my brain back then. It doesn't really make any sense to me; I've seen the list and none of those words are ringing _any_ bells. Any connections they may have had just disappeared _after the injection_ ," Newt says and Mend huffs and pushes himself up.

"You said 'dove you,' man. I can't think of anything else you could've possibly meant by that," Mend says, glaring down at Newt in challenge.

"Shove you? Fuck you? It could have been _anything_ ," Newt says and then Mend's huffing and pushing Newt's hand off his shoulder.

"It _wasn't_. For fuck's sake, Newt. Just say it. Pull your head out of your ass and _say it_."

"This is how I treat someone in hospital?" Newt asks wide-eyed and Mend huffs and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Fuck you, man. I'm gonna go back to my room and sleep in my bed and wake up next to _Hermann_ ," Mend says and then Newt's grabbing his arm.

"Fine! _Fine!_ I don't get- It doesn't make any- I fucking... I fucking _love_ you, okay?" Newt says, fingers digging into the soft flesh of Mend's upper arm roughly. "I don't... I don't know how it happened."

When Mend glances back over his shoulder, Newt's staring up at him, looking small and lost.

Mend sighs. "You scared me. When you were- You were lying here for _days_ and you wouldn't wake up and... and there was a part of me that thought you never _would_. I didn't- I _don't_ want to lose you. I don't want to have to go back to being without you."

Newt tugs on his arm and he lets himself be drawn down to the bed. 

"You remember when... when all this started?" Newt asks as he wraps his arms around Mend and holds him close. "It was just you and me and we were having fun... Then Hermann got involved and... you'd pull away; go do something else. I thought... it was like you didn't want to be there if I was there. I got... scared. That I was the only one that was feeling it and the whole 'divergent paths' thing that Hermann kept talking about was making me feel more for you than you did for me. I thought it was going to take you away from me."

"We do stupid things when we're scared," Mend mumbles and slides his arm around Newt to hold his shoulder, keenly aware of where the colostomy bag is. "Just shut down and avoid shit... gotta stop doing that."

"Yeah. I thought... you just wanted, y'know, you and Hermann, and me and Hermann, and if we had the talk you kept pushing for you'd make me admit it and then it wouldn't be the three of us anymore," Newt says, shoulder jostling Mend's head as he shrugs.

"Dumbass," Mend says as he looks up at Newt at a loss. "I just wanted you to admit that it was more than just _fun_. You didn't have to say anything more than that. Just that you wouldn't freak out if people found out about the three of us."

"I can't promise that, dude," Newt says looking edgy. "It's one thing for people to say stuff about _me_ behind _my_ back but, all three of us? There's going to be rumors and- and _confrontations_. It's going to get ugly."

"I know. And... it scares the shit out of me, too. But there are two of us now. Anyone starts shit, I'll jump on their back and you punch 'em in the throat, what d'ya say?" Mend says, aiming for bravado and, if the look on Newt's face is anything to go by, falling short. 

Newt snorts and shakes his head. "Hermann can get in a few whacks with his cane."

"You know he'd use the handle," Mend says raising both his eyebrows at Newt. "I wouldn't underestimate him."

"Yeah, I guess..." Newt says and Mend sighs.

"People are going to figure it out anyway; I don't think there's any way we can avoid it." Mend props his head up on his hand and looks down at Newt with a twist of his lips. "People already know about you and Hermann. When you come back and they see Hermann going into our room and me not _leaving_? They're going to get suspicious. Probably already are considering Hermann's there right now."

"I _know_ , I just-... Do we have to announce it to everyone? Can't we just keep going on as we have?" Newt says features contorting with distress. "It's not like we're going to be making out in the halls or anything. Can't we just... not make a big deal of it?"

"I wasn't suggesting we get on the PA and be all 'hey, everyone: Newt and Hermann and Mend are totally boning,'" Mend says, frowning down at Newt. "Just... stop worrying so much about getting caught? Hermann can come and go whenever he wants without checking through the peephole and if people figure it out, they'll have to fucking _ask_ us. I've already worked out my response if anyone does get all 'are the three of you fucking?' at me. Check it: 'So?' I've also got 'What of it?' and 'Not right this instant'. What d'ya think?"

Newt snorts and smiles in spite of himself, looking away as he thinks. 

Mend starts to worry, but then Newt's looking back and tentatively taking his hand.

"Not a whole lot would really change, would it?" He asks as he threads his fingers between Mend's. "It'd just be... anticipation? Waiting for someone to start something?"

"Which they might never do," Mend points out, staring at their hands joined together; there was a part of him that never expected Newt to initiate anything. The fact that he did reassures Mend more than Newt admitting he loved him did.

"Let's do it," Newt says giving Mend's hand a squeeze. "You and me and Hermann."

"You and me and Hermann," Mend agrees feeling lighter than he has in days.

"Get down here," Newt murmurs, staring at Mend's lips as he tightens his arm around Mend's back and pulls him forward. 

Their lips meet and Mend feels Newt sigh against them, eyes sliding closed as Mend untangles his hand from Newt's and reaches up to cup his cheek. It's slow and gentle, lips slipping together in comfort and reassurance and... it's not going anywhere, it literally can't go anywhere while Newt's still recovering and they're lying in a hospital bed in a semi-public area. Newt's kissing him because he _wants_ to kiss him.

Mend feels a slightly hysterical burble of laughter rush up from his chest and his eyes are pricking and then Newt's pushing him away so he can look at him in concern.

"You okay, bud?" Newt asks in a gentle tone.

Mend can only nod and smile, swallowing against the tightness in his throat as he tries to laugh away his embarrassment.

"Yeah, yeah, I- Nothing's falling apart. You're getting better and you're going to be coming _home_ and it's not going to be me and Hermann watching you - me and Hermann _without you_ \- anymore. It's- I thought-" He brushes roughly at his eyes and hiccups but he can't seem to get the message to his eyes that they should stop watering now.

Newt sighs, features softening as he slides his fingers back through Mend's hair and guides his head down to his chest - briefly lifting it again to slide his glasses off. "I suppose you can cry in front of me, too," Newt says, pressing a kiss to the top of Mend's head.

"S-sorry," Mend says as he buries his face in Newt's chest, trying to get himself to stop.

"When we were eight and got bumped up a grade, we cried in our room for, like, an hour, because we didn't know how to handle something good happening after it being awful for so long," Newt says, hand rubbing slowly over Mend's back. "I know you, man. Get it all out so you don't explode."

Mend laughs and hiccups and tries to wipe his face again. He doesn't _want_ to cry. He doesn't want to but he's so exhausted and not just from the shitty amount of sleep he's been getting. It's been so much - two weeks of _so much_ \- and he's tired of trying to work out what's the appropriate amount of concern to show for his comatose clone; _tired_ of watching Hermann getting more and more hunched across the room; _tired_ of not being able to do anything and having to keep it all inside. He's clutching at Newt's gown and tears are sliding across his face, dripping down his nose to dampen Newt's chest and Newt's just lying there, murmuring reassurance into his hair and rubbing his back.

"I shouldn't be doing this," Mend says, pushing himself up and avoiding Newt's gaze. "You don't need the added stress; you're getting better and-"

"So are you," Newt says with a half smile. He reaches up and brushes a few tears away, patting at puffy cheeks with the tips of his fingers and sighs. "Okay, so, it's _you_. I don't want you to be sad, but, if you are... I wanna hug you. That's how I know it's actual, y'know, _love_ and not just a sort of ambient awareness of future orgasms."

Mend laughs and sniffs, leaning in to kiss Newt one more time and press his forehead against Newt's. "I fucking missed you, man," he says through a smile that feels mostly real. "And I'm not sad."

"So that's a happy dampness on my chest?" Newt says with a fond smile and guides Mend's head back down. "Get it all out or you're going to be doing that thing Dad does where he tears up and leaves the room every ten minutes.

He shakes his head and he's about to protest but then he hears it - under his ear, slow and repetitive. Something inside him snaps and he's clutching at Newt and burying his face in his shoulder and Newt's _alive_. He's _a-fucking-live_ and he's coming home and Mend doesn't think he's ever been this relieved in his life. He can't control it, can't stop the tears from falling, but Newt's kissing his hair and rubbing his back and everything's going to be ok.

By the time he settles down, he's so exhausted that he can only stare off into space, resting limp against Newt's shoulder. He's listening to the steady _thump-thump_ under his ear and he closes his eyes, taking comfort in the sound, and thinks _just for a little while_.

There's a cough on the other side of the room and he opens his eyes to see Katz staring at him with a raised eyebrow. Mend blinks at her sleepily and then looks down to see Newt still asleep and snoring. He can feel Newt's arms around him and his eyes widen as he untangles himself with as much care as possible and slides out of the bed. 

He shoves his feet into his shoes, stamping down into them to get them over his heels and then he's walking towards Katz, avoiding her gaze. 

"There was a little freakout last night. Didn't mean to sleep here. Won't happen again," Mend says as he breezes past.

"Mend, wait," Katz says, putting a hand on his shoulder as he makes it to the door. "It's not... It's not just Newt and Hermann, is it?"

Mend tries to shrug her off and keep walking but she tightens her hand in his shirt and follows him into the hall.

"Dude, you really think I'm gonna judge you? Well, okay, maybe a title bit of judging because, y'know - _little_ bit weird - but, I can't say I wouldn't if I was in the same position- off topic, backing it up, backing it up," Katz says, scrunching her eyes closed and holding up her hand. "If you'd just _told_ me, maybe I wouldn't have been such a royal _dick_ to Hermann."

"What was I supposed to say, huh? 'You have to let Hermann in to see Newt because we're all in one big happy gangbang?' Would that have done the trick?" Mend says leveling Katz with an unimpressed glare.

"God, _no_." Katz whaps Mend on the shoulder and gives him a glare of her own. "Just that they weren't pushing you _out_. You went and pulled that winsome puppy shit and- goddamnit, collecting strays is contagious. I'm going to kill him."

"Wait, what?" Mend says watching as Katz frowns down the hall. "Kill who? Newt?"

"What? No. Someone I- He is... _far_ from here. Probably surrounded by dogs. Wouldn't last a second in a shatterdome."

"Oh." Mend looks at her in confusion. "So, um... You don't care that it's the three of us... together."

"Dude," she says staring at him with dull-eyes. "I am one-hundred percent not thinking about whatever it is you do together. I am devoting my _life_ to not thinking about what you do together. Look, I did some shitty things because I thought Hermann was doing a shitty thing. All I'm saying is don't put me in that position again, y'got me?"

"Yeah... I- Yeah. Look, I'm sorry, but... in my defense: totally weird situation."

"That's why you've still got all your limbs, bub," Katz says with a wry smile. "Go tell Hermann I'm not going to give him the stink-eye anymore. And... to help you clean up - we'll be releasing Newt to bed rest tomorrow or the day after. _Bed rest_ \- no shenanigans." 

"Seriously? He can come home? He's better?" Mend asks, chest tightening against the hope he can't bring himself to feel yet.

"As far as we can tell, the injection we gave him has set him on his way to right. We'll see how he goes on solid foods today and when he's released we'll keep an eye on him - check-ups every day for the first week - but there's no reason he has to stay here anymore," Katz says smiling as Mend's eyes widen and then she's yelping as she's wrapped in a fierce hug.

"You're the fucking _best_. And _smartest_. And most competent. You've got fantastic hair and excellent shoes and oh my god you're just awesome," Mend says laughing as he lets her go and gives her a kiss on the cheek. "I've got to tell Hermann. I can tell Hermann, right? I mean, it can be me?"

"Yeah, you can tell him," Katz says with a smile and laughs as Mend whoops and runs off down the hall.

He pelts through the halls of the Shatterdome, dodging the dayshift as they start to head to work and trying not to let the burning in his lungs slow him down. 

He bursts through the door, pulling it shut with a clang behind him and stops. 

Hermann's sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling on a sock. He looks up at Mend and sniffs.

"They're releasing Newt. He's coming _home_ ," Mend says and holds his arms open, waiting for the hug that news should have inspired.

Hermann pauses. "That is excellent news," Hermann says and continues to adjust his sock.

"You don't sound happy," Mend says, smile sliding off his face. 

"On the contrary," Hermann says as he switches to the other foot, shaking out a sock with a forceful _whump_. "I'm _ecstatic_ that Newt will be returning to us."

"Then why don't you _sound_ ecstatic?" Mend sits on the bed beside Hermann, looking over at him with a tentative look as he worries his lip.

Hermann is silent, focusing on his shoe as he settles his foot in and begins lacing it up with care.

"Come on, man. Don't leave me hanging," Mend says and reaches out to put a hand on Hermann's shoulder.

Hermann sighs and straightens, not meeting Mend's eye, lips pursed and jaw tight.

"I woke up alone," he says in a clipped tone. "The bed was cold where you had lain, not even an impression that you'd been there. I thought there had been an emergency; that something had happened and you had just rushed out and... left me. It wasn't until I was putting my coat on that I managed to calm myself enough to be rational." Hermann glances at Newt out of the corner of his eye, fingers twisting together in his lap. "You wouldn't leave for something that big without telling me... Would you?"

" _No_ ," Mend says wide-eyed and emphatic, reaching out to clutch Hermann's hand tight. "I would never- I should have left a note, but I was trying to get out without waking you up. Shit, that sounds bad. Wait, wait, just let me-" Mend squeezes his eyes closed and takes a deep breath before looking at Hermann seriously. "I couldn't sleep. But I wanted _you_ to, even if I couldn't. So I snuck out and went and sat with Newt. And, um. We had The Talk. It was emotional, there were tears. Mostly mine, but- okay, they were all mine. I didn't mean to but I fell asleep with him. Also, um, Katz knows. About the three of us. She's sorry for being a dick, by the way."

Hermann untangles a hand and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I sleep for seven hours and you trample through the Shatterdome on a herd of elephants," Hermann says, shoulders slumping as he looks at Mend in resignation. "How much does she know?"

"Um. I may have used the phrase 'one big happy gangbang'," Mend says, biting his lip.

Hermann cringes. "I can never face her again," he says and falls back to the bed, covering his face with his arm.

"Hey, no, it's not that bad," Mend says, pulling a knee up as he twists to face Hermann. "She seriously doesn't want details and she's not judging. Well, she's judging _me_ for making her think you were a shitty person and, trust me, she's going to make me pay for that - she's in charge of all my needles."

"I suppose I should admit to having had _some_ reservations about our relationship becoming a known factor," Hermann says, lowering his arm to rest over his chest. "I suppose I thought that with Newt's reluctance, there would be time for me to adjust to the idea."

"Um, I'm gonna let Newt handle that, but... I don't think she's going to tell anyone," Mend says with a shrug. "She's mostly just pissed at me because of how she treated you."

"Rightly so," Hermann says, a ghost of a smile tilting his lips.

"Are... _you_ still pissed at me?" Mend asks looking down and glancing up at Hermann through his eyelashes.

Hermann stares at him for a long moment, and then avert his gaze. "Not 'pissed', as such," Hermann says, brow furrowing as he looks at his hands. "I am... on edge. I understood what you were going through last night, but... now I am experiencing its intensity."

"I'm sorry," Mend says, lips twisting with an edge of guilt.

"Thank you," Hermann says and looks back at Mend, face drawn with a touch of sadness softening his eyes. "I'll accept it once I see Newt and my soul is quieted."

"He was snoring when I last saw him, so I'm pretty sure he's okay," Mend says and Hermann snorts.

Hermann gestures with his chin to the bed beside him. "Come down here," he murmurs and waits until Mend's lying on his back beside him before rolling onto his side and burrowing into Mend's side, his resting on his chest. "Tell me everything's going to be okay."

Mend wraps his arms around Hermann and holds him tight. "Newt's coming home," he says, kissing the top of Hermann's head and rubbing his back as Newt had done for him.

"That's not what I asked," Hermann says, arm tightening around Mend's middle.

"It's the best I can give you," Mend says, stroking Hermann's hair with gentle fingers. "He's coming home and we're going to _make_ it okay. All of us."

Hermann nods, but doesn't say anything, so Mend holds him and keeps rubbing his back until Hermann tenses and rolls away. 

He keeps his hand on Hermann's back, watching as he pushes himself up, stiff and uncomfortable, until Hermann's bracing himself against his knees. He follows and watches Hermann put his other shoe on before standing and holding out a hand.

"C'mon, let's go see Newt."


	4. Chapter 4

By the time they reach Medical, Hermann's step is a little faster and he makes his way into Newt's room at a clip.

Mend closes the door behind them as Hermann stops at the foot of the bed, gripping the rail tightly as he sighs in relief.

Newt looks up from the colouring book and glances from Hermann to Mend. "You doing okay today, bud?" He asks as he puts the pencil down and pushes the table to the side.

"I'm fine, man," Mend says, patting Hermann on the shoulder as he walks past to move his chair out of the way. "But I think Hermann could use a hug."

"I'm quite al-"

"Don't argue, man." Mend cuts Hermann off and gestures toward the bed as he flops down. "Newt, tell him the thing we decided last night."

"You decided something?" Hermann says, looking between them with suspicion as he hangs his cane on the rail and looks down to Newt.

"Uh, yeah," Newt says, glancing at Mend and licking his lips nervously. "Um. So we... Yeah, there's... Um. You, uh, you don't have to use the peephole anymore?"

"I don't have to- What? Are you sure?" Hermann twists to look over his shoulder at Mend who just grins.

"It's you and me and him in any iteration." Mend shrugs.

Hermann swings back to stare down at Newt, cupping his cheek. "You don't have to decide now. We can wait until you're feeling better."

"Hermann," Newt says, wrapping his fingers around the back of Hermann's hand and turning his head to the side to kiss his palm. "They're going to figure it out. Especially when I get back and you come over and he doesn't leave." He squeezes Hermann's hand and gives him a tired half-smile. "And I think the night-nurse is more than a little suspicious."

"Katz figured it out," Mend says, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"I wondered why she kept shaking her head at me this morning," Newt says with a roll of his eyes. "I guess the cat's kind of out of the bag?"

"Apparently," Hermann says in a glum tone.

"Help me up," Newt says, patting Hermann on the shoulder. "I'm gonna need to pee in five minutes."

Hermann braces himself against the edge of the bed, holding out an arm as Newt uses the handrail to pull himself upright. He slides off the bed and leans against Hermann, grinning up at him as he snakes his arms around his waist.

"Heard you needed a hug," he says as he rests his head against Hermann's shoulder, panting from the exertion of getting up. "You're lucky I deliver."

"Is that what you call it?" Hermann smiles and hugs Newt back, eyes closing as he squeezes Newt's shoulders. After a moment, one eye cracks open and he looks at Mend. "Apology accepted."

"Why is there apologizing happening?" Newt's voice comes muffled against Hermann's chest. "Wait, no, five minutes was apparently a serious overestimation. I gotta- Where's my cane?" He pushes away and fumbles until he gets his fingers on the handle, gripping it tight as he makes his way across the room at a surprisingly fast hobble.

"Will you be alright?" Hermann asks as he starts to follow, but Newt waves him off.

"I can hold my own dick, man." Newt rests against the doorframe for a breath before continuing on. 

"If you're sure..." Hermann watches as Newt frowns and clenches his fist around the handle of the cane.

"I can do it on my _own_ ," he huffs and then the door closes with a heavy whump of finality.

Hermann looks over at Mend who shrugs.

"You heard the man," he says and gives Hermann a sympathetic look. "I'm listening for a thump, too. Don't worry."

A knock on the door cuts off any response Hermann may have. 

He steps over and opens it to find Katz waiting outside holding a tray.

"Didn't want to interrupt anything," she says and waits for Hermann to step aside and let her in.

"Dude, it took you more than two weeks to figure it out. You really think we're letting our guard down now?" Mend says rolling his eyes at her.

She shrugs as she sets the tray on the table. "Better safe than sorry," she says and looks around the room. "Where's Newt?"

"Toilet." Mend jerks his head toward the closed door in the corner of the room and Katz frowns.

"That's the second time in a few hours. Gonna have to keep an eye on that," she says and then turns. "I'm sorry for treating you the way I did, Dr. Gottlieb. It was unprofessional of me and it won't happen again."

"You were operating under... incorrect information," Hermann says and throws a dirty look in Mend's direction. "I'm not holding it against you, Beverly."

"Thank you, Hermann," she says with a pleased smile. "I'm glad we both understand the source of this misunderstanding."

"Yeah, yeah, everyone's pissed at me for trying to do the _right_ thing. I get it. I'd like to see how good your decision making skills are under that kind of pressure," Mend says and leans forward pointing at Hermann. "You were just going to _accept it_."

"Hermann's accepting what now?" Newt asks as he comes out of the bathroom wiping his hands off on the front of his gown.

"He was just going to _let_ them keep him out of here," Mend says spinning around in his seat and keeping a close eye on Newt's progress as he continues across the room. "And everyone's pissed at me for getting him _in_."

"I'm not pissed at you, man," Newt says, patting Mend on the shoulder as he passes on his way to the bed. 

"Glad someone in this room has some sense." Mend pokes his tongue out at Hermann who sniffs and turns his attention to Newt.

"Do you want help getting back into bed?" he asks as he watches Newt lean against the bed.

"Nah... I think I'm gonna stand for a while," Newt says with a tired grin. "I'm feeling good today."

"You're about to feel even better... hopefully," Katz says as she picks up a spoon and hands it over to Newt.

"I get food? You're giving me food?" Newt asks lighting up as he looks at the tray behind her. "Hey, I thought you said I could have _solid_ food. That's pretty much a liquid."

Katz rolls her eyes as she peels the seal off the tub of yoghurt. "According to your body, this is a solid. And, seriously, if you're pissing this consistency you should let me know because that is _not_ normal." She holds out the tub for him to take a scoop and watches with a smirk as he closes his eyes and melts against the bed the second the spoon is in his mouth.

"Oh my god, so good. More. Give me more," he holds his spoon out and waits for Katz to offer the tub to him again before repeating the process.

"That's enough for now, dude," she says and smooths the seal back down. "If you start feeling nauseated or like there's something wrong, you let me know, okay? If you're still feeling okay in an hour or two, you can have some more."

"You are such a tease, man," Newt says slicking the last remnants off the back of the spoon. "That was barely even a taste. That was like... food in homeopathic form - essence of food, none of the substance."

"Gotta reintroduce it to you slowly," Katz says with a shrug and puts the tub back on the tray holding her hand out for the spoon and waiting until Newt hands it over with a grumble. "You'll get it back later. Now comes the fun part - since you're back on solids, you're going to need to know how to take care of your ostomy pouch."

"Right," Newt says and tenses a little. "I think I'm done standing for a while." He shuffles around and backs up to the bed, taking a breather before setting the cane to the side and swatting Hermann's outstretched arm away. "I can fucking do it, man." He gets himself up onto the bed with minimal fuss and pulls the sheet up over him.

"You still feeling okay?" Katz asks watching his face closely.

"Yeah. I'm good. Just... Hermann," Newt says, avoiding Hermann's eyes as he fidgets with the edge of the sheet. "Could you, um, leave?"

"I need to know how to-"

"Not this you don't," Newt says, cutting Hermann off with a shake of his head.

"But I _do_. If I'm to aide in-"

"Damn it, Hermann, I don't _want_ you here for this," Newt huffs, irritation growing.

"But-"

"For fuck's sake, Hermann, _get out_ ," Newt spits and then he's grabbing the packet of pencils off the table and throwing them as hard as he can. " _Fucking get out! I don't want you here! FUCK OFF!_ "

The pencils hit Hermann in the chest and then they're being followed by the colouring book and Newt's reaching for whatever he can get his hands on on the side-table. 

Mend jumps up, grabbing Newt's arms before he can lob the glass of water and struggles with him as he tries to calm him down.

"Newt. _Newt!_ Calm the fuck down. Look at me. _Look at me_. Hermann's going. Okay? He's going right now, aren't you, Hermann?" Mend says and looks at Hermann as he struggles to keep Newt's hands in place.

Hermann nods, eyes wide and hurt, and stumbles back, hitting the wall and fumbling for the handle before slipping out. 

Mend catches his eye before it closes, helpless and apologetic, before turning his attention back to Newt.

"Okay, man, he's gone. It's just you and me and Katz. We're with you," Mend says and Newt struggles for a moment longer before slumping back down to the bed. "Can I let go of your arms without you lashing out again?"

Newt gives a sullen nod and glares at the wall, refusing to meet Mend's eye. "You should go, too," he rasps. "You don't need to-"

"Oh no you don't, buddy," Mend says tentatively loosening his grip. "I get why you don't want Hermann here, okay? I get it. But, dude, you're me - I already _know_ what nasty shit can come out of you. You're not getting rid of me that easy." 

Newt huffs and remains silent, frowning past Mend at the wall.

Katz clears her throat and steps forward. "Do you want to start?" she asks in a gentle tone. "We can wait a little while if your head's not in it."

Newt slips his hand out from Mend's grasp and waves it at Katz. "Get it over with," he says in a rasping, disgruntled tone, jaw clenching and brow furrowing as he adjusts himself to see Katz.

Katz runs through how to change the pouch and how to clean the stoma, what it will feel like to wear it under his clothes and in the shower, and how to manage his diet to keep issues from springing up.

Newt is mostly silent, only making a sound when asked a direct question. 

Mend takes it upon himself to pump Katz for as much information as possible.

"If you forget any of it, don't worry; you can call Medical at any time and someone can remind you," Katz says to round out her spiel.

"I've got most of it, even if he doesn't," Mend says, cupping Newt's knee and giving it a squeeze.

Katz nods at Mend and then turns her full attention to Newt. "Recovery is... a hard process. You're going to be frustrated. You're going to want to lash out. I would advise caution in how you choose to do so. We're all here for you, Newt. Try and remember that when you push us away."

"You're lecturing me now?" Newt grumps and glares at Katz.

"Giving you some advice," Katz says plainly. "Your situation is understandable, but that doesn't make your actions justifiable. There are constructive ways to vent, Newt, and that... that wasn't one of them. Don't hold a grudge against Hermann for a feeling you can't even put a name to."

Newt turns his head, but doesn't answer.

"I'm going to go talk to Hermann," Katz says to Mend as she turns to leave. "Call me if anything changes."

The door closes behind her and Mend looks at Newt with a sigh. 

"She's right, you know," Mend says and pulls the chair over so he can look at Newt eye-to-eye. "I'm with you 'til the end, man, but Hermann? He had a freak-out this morning when he woke up and I wasn't there. He wanted me to tell him everything was going to be okay." He reaches up and brushes Newt's hair off his forehead, wiping away the sweat on his brow.

"Doesn't sound like him," Newt mumbles shaking his head to dislodge Mend's hand.

"Exactly." Mend lets his hand drop down and rubs Newt's shoulder. "He's freaked out. There's been nothing we could do for so long and now that you're getting better? That we can _help_ you? You yelled at him to fuck off." He sighs and sits back, watching Newt relax once he's no longer being touched. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad for it. I know you're freaked out, too. Trust me, I'm _dreading_ the day I get sick and he's around - I don't want him to see _me_ like that either." He gives Newt a half-smile and sighs when there's no response. "He's a part of this whole equation now. You have to let him help sometimes."

Newt continues to stare at the wall, jaw set and eyes red-rimmed.

"We're not going to abandon you, man. But you should probably apologize," Mend says as he stands and leans over to kiss him on the forehead. "I'm gonna go talk to him. Want me to stall for a little while so you can get your head together?"

Newt's silent for a little while longer, then closes his eyes and nods.

"We'll be okay, buddy," he says as he walks to the door. "We've been through worse."

He slips out the door and looks up and down the hall for Hermann. Katz is standing at the Nurse's station and looks up when he approaches.

"He went back to the lab," she says with a twist of her lips. "I tried to explain about the emotional impact recovery from trauma can have and I'm pretty sure he understood, but, yeah. Sorry, man."

"No, that's good. That's good," Mend says nodding as he looks away. "It'll give Newt time to get his shit sorted. On the flipside... now I get to go talk _him_ down. My life is _awesome_." He rolls his eyes and walks away, waving over his shoulder as he calls _Later._

He takes his time getting down to the lab stopping in the doorway to watch Hermann dust off the boards.

"He didn't mean it, you know," Mend says, shoving his hands in his pockets as he heads to Hermann's side of the room.

"I do," Hermann says in a clipped tone and keeps scrubbing.

"Are you okay?" 

"I am fine," Hermann says and yanks the ladder over with his cane. 

Mend darts in behind him and wraps his arms around Hermann's middle before he can start to ascend.

"Everyone's angry for such _stupid_ reasons," he says burying his face between Hermann's shoulder blades. 

"I'm not _angry_ ," Hermann huffs, trying to peel Mend's hands off his middle.

"Yeah, you _are_ ," Mend says and holds tighter. "This is your angry mode. You either break dozens of pieces of chalk writing your equations too hard, or you clean the shit out of the board and give yourself a coughing fit. This is what you _do_ when you're pissed."

"What am I supposed to do, hmm?" Hermann spits pushing at Mendelssohn's hands in aggravation. "Newt doesn't _want_ my help. He doesn't want me there; he has been more than clear about that."

"Dude, no. _No._ I thought you got it, but you don't, you _really_ don't." Mend loosens his grip and slides around until he's facing Hermann directly. "This isn't about you helping or not helping or whatever. This is about... Look, one of my biggest, I dunno, anxieties? About this relationship - there you go, the word, we're using the word - is that you're going to _smell_ what happens after chilli day in the commissary. I mean, I know you already _have_ but in close quarters? You're not even going to want to be on the same _planet_ as me. And that's just the smell."

"I don't see what this has to do with Newt kicking me out of his room," Hermann says, standing stiffly with his arms crossed in Mend's embrace. 

"Dude. I have to spell it out?" Mend looks at Hermann at a loss. "Newt's going to be _shitting into a bag_ through _a hole in his stomach_. He doesn't want you to have to deal with that."

"This is just a part of his recovery process. It's not _dealing_ with it, it's doing what I can to be of _use_ to him," Hermann says as though Mend is a very small child who doesn't quite understand the concept.

"Okay, this isn't working," Mend says, squeezing his eyes shut and dropping his head to Hermann's shoulder. "Lemme try another way." He looks Hermann straight in the eye and gives his ass a pat. "So, next time you go to the can, I'm going to come with you and wipe your ass for you, okay? I mean, it's a natural human function, am I right? I'm just trying to help you out."

" _Absolutely not!_ " Hermann reels back looking affronted. "That is stepping over the-" He stops, staring into space for a moment before his face scrunches up in a dismayed frown. "Oh bother."

"You see what I mean?" Mend says and pulls Hermann in close. "It's not about you. _Or_ about Newt not wanting you to help."

"I don't see how you can come to that conclusion based on the evidence," Hermann says into Mend's shoulder. "I very clearly stepped over the line and he's right to not want my assistance."

"Are you being deliberately obtuse right now?" Mend says, pulling back a little to see Hermann's face. "I _guarantee_ he's going to let you pamper the shit out of him when he gets out... He's just not going to let you take the shit _from him in a bag_. Because that's a level of gross we haven't ascended to yet."

"We've actually been at that level for _years_ ," Hermann says with a distant, pained smile. "Well, you have with your Kaiju's viscera and ten dollar all you can eat sushi buffets."

"Hey, that was a good deal," Mend says looking at Hermann with a wounded expression.

"I'm sure the food poisoning was well worth it," Hermann says and pats Mend on the cheek as he steps away. "I should go apologise to Newt."

"Eh, maybe a little," Mend says with a shrug. "But he should apologies to you, too. Make sure that happens. You want me to come with?"

"No, I... If you don't mind, I think I should do this... alone," Hermann says, swallowing and looking out the door.

"Should I come up in half an hour or so, or do you want longer?" Mend asks reaching out to give Hermann's hand a squeeze.

"Half an hour should be ample," Hermann says returning the squeeze before setting his shoulders and heading out of the lab.

Mend watches him go with a sigh then heads over to the rat cages to check on them and run them through their paces yet again.

\---

Newt's wiping his eyes, feeling empty and drained, when he hears a quiet rapping on the door.

He sniffs and wipes his nose on the back of his hand before turning and rasping _come in_.

He'd expected Katz or Mend, but when Hermann slips through the crack and closes it behind him, he feels himself shrink.

"Mendelssohn explained the situation to me," Hermann says, shifting in discomfort. "I had not thought of the situation from your perspective. I wish for you to know that I am deeply, humbly sorry for overstepping my bounds."

"No, Hermann, don't," Newt says shaking his head and pushing himself up to sit a little straighter. "I- They're right. Mend's right and Katz is right and... I'm a huge asshole. I shouldn't have- I'm sorry. I lost my shit. I didn't mean- I just didn't know _how_ -"

"Newton, stop. I _understand_ ," Hermann says, coming around the bed and taking Newt's hand in his own.

"That doesn't make it _okay_ ," Newt says scrubbing a hand over his face. "I- Fuck, _shit_ , it's- Talking, man. Fucking _talking_. I couldn't get my shit together enough to just- It's not like you helping me _stand up_ or getting me a glass of water. This is- It's- We're not there, and I couldn't- I just fucking lashed out and _threw_ things and you shouldn't- You can't just apologize to _me_ for getting hit by things I threw. What the fuck, why are you even-"

"Newton, please," Hermann says reaching out to cup Newt's cheek. "We were _both_ in the wrong and neither apology negates the other. I intend to attempt to put myself in your shoes before pushing for something in the future. Do you intend to throw things at me?"

" _No_ ," Newt says, wide-eyed and emphatic. "I freaked out and lost my shit and I... I just didn't want you there and you weren't _listening_. I got overwhelmed but I don't want to be the kind of guy who gets overwhelmed and throws things at his boyfriend. I don't want to be that guy, Hermann. You gotta believe me."

Hermann sighs as he looks down at Newt and then he's hooking his cane under Mendelssohn's chair and pulling it close to the bed. He puts a foot on the seat and steadies himself and then Newt's eyes are widening as he pushes himself up on the edge of the bed.

"What're you- No, you said you'd never-"

"Hush, I said there were _few_ circumstances that would see me get up into this bed with you. _This_ is one of them," Hermann says as he shuffles closer to Newt and pulls him into a hug.

"You're not-" Newt swallows, blinking rapidly as he clutches at Hermann's shoulders. "You're not leaving?"

"What on earth gave you that impression?" Hermann says looking down at Newt, bewildered.

"Mend made it sound like you were going to leave us," Newt says holding himself apart from Hermann, tension rising in his shoulders.

Hermann narrows his eyes, drawing a large breath as if to start ranting, but then he stops, clenches his jaw and huffs it out through his nose. "We are missing something very important, I'm sure of it," he says with a shake of his head and pulls Newt to him once more. "I'm not going anywhere."

Newt huddles against Hermann, wrapping his arms around his middle and burying his face in his chest. "I'm sorry all this happened," he murmurs as Hermann strokes his hair. "We wasted so much time."

"It wasn't a waste," Hermann says in a soft tone. "Leaving you here alone wasn't an option, and we've still been working. It wasn't wasted at all."

" _I_ don't have that time," Newt says and looks up at Hermann, sadness in his eyes. "I've just been... lying here. This wasn't what I meant when I said you'd have a life-sized me-doll. There wasn't- It's not- I might as well have been _dead_ for a week."

"Don't say that. Please... don't _ever_ say that. You don't know how close it came," Hermann says, stricken. He presses his forehead against Newt's and closes his eyes before continuing in a low-pitched tone. "We watched you - waited for you. It didn't feel... right to progress _without_ you. We gave each other enough to get by, but... it felt like we were in a holding pattern; merely _existing_ until you woke. To be any more would feel... a betrayal." Hermann strokes Newt's cheek, thumb gentle against the stubble. "Now that you have, we can progress as we should have. It will be good to have you home again."

"Whenever _that_ is," Newt grumps, lip curling in annoyance.

Hermann stops stroking Newt's cheek and stares at him agog. "Nobody told you?"

"Told me what?" Newt asks with a frown.

"Tomorrow or the day after. That's the timeline I've been given," Hermann says, letting a smile spread across his face as he watches the news sink in.

"Really? You really think they'll- I'm coming _home_?" Newt says, not quite believing it, but then Hermann laughs and nods and Newt has to wrap his arms around him and hold on for fear that he'll float away. 

"You're coming _home_ ," Hermann affirms, laughing as Newt squeezes him.

"Holy shit. Holy _shit_ , I can-"

A knock at the door has him jerking away from Hermann and grimacing at the sudden movement. 

Hermann gives him an admonishing look and rubs his back in a soft, repetitive motion. He raises an eyebrow as Newt clutches his side until Newt shakes his head and waves at the door.

"Come in," Hermann calls over his shoulder, not removing his gaze from Newt as the door opens.

"Hey, uh, do you guys need more time?" Mend says as he sticks his head through the door.

Hermann looks at Newt questioningly. "Newt?" 

"No, we're good, come in, man," Newt says as he lowers himself down with care.

"You okay?" Mend asks as he closes the door behind him and makes his way around the bed.

"Yeah, just moved too suddenly. What's with the- Why are you wearing the hoody? Are you _cold_?" Newt looks Mend up and down with a bewildered expression.

Mend's eyes widen and he hushes Newt with a frantic hand before turning toward the door and saying "Yes! I'm very cold!" in a much too loud voice.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Newt looks at Hermann with a tinge of dread in his eyes, but then Mend's unzipping the hood and leaning forward over Newt's chest.

"Thought you could use- Wait, where are you? Don't go down _there_. Sheez, you try to do something nice and- Ha! Got you!" Mend sticks his hand down into the hoody and feels around until he pulls out a small wiggling mass of fur. "Thought you could use a little friend." 

Newt's eyes widen as Mend sets Tesla down on his chest. "Oh my god, dude, this is awesome," he says, cupping his hands around Tesla's body as the rat wiggles to curl up beside his neck, fingers soft and light as they stroke his fur. 

"I think he's missed you," Mend says as he leans against the edge of the bed. "Or, at least, has missed having someone play with him as often as we did."

"You haven't been neglecting him, have you?" Newt asks, eyes narrowing at Mend who holds up a calming hand.

"Chill, dude, I've been down for a few hours every day; feeding them, cleaning out the cages, and running them through the maze."

"Oh. Anything new?" Newt asks, apparently satisfied that Mend hasn't been shirking his responsibilities.

"They're still getting slower, but not so drastically. It's like they're leveling out," Mend says with a confused look on his face. "I don't get it. They're a few seconds slower than the originals, but the rate of decay is dropping to milliseconds between runs rather than the full seconds I was seeing last week."

"Did you change anything? Food? Water?" 

"Nothing. They're getting the same amount of food at the same times. They've always got water. It's like whatever was stressing their systems earlier just... isn't anymore," Mend says, giving Newt a helpless look. "I don't even get it, man."

"Get me a tablet, I'll go through what you've got," Newt says, stroking Tesla as he bites his lip and stare off into space with a frown.

"Are you sure you're up to that? I mean, you're still sleeping a lot and-"

"Hole in my side, Mend. Not my brain," Newt says giving him a dirty look. "I've been coloring because I've _literally_ got nothing else to do."

"We should probably run it past Katz first. It might stress you out and-" Mend says and cuts himself off as he looks over at Hermann. "You're giving me the stink-eye. Why're you giving me the stink eye?"

"You told him I was going to _leave_ ," Hermann says, enunciating every word in a precise and cutting fashion.

"What? No, I didn't! Dude, what did you say?" Mend looks at Newt, baffled. When he see's Newt's face - eyes downcast and breath coming in short, quick gasps - he jumps up and runs his hand over Newt's hair in comfort. "Hey, it's okay, bud. What's the matter?"

"You said that you'd be with me to the end... but that Hermann..." Newt turns his head, brushing his cheek against Tesla's fur and holding him close.

"Dude, no," Mend says ducking down to get into Newt's line of sight. "I _meant_ that you should cut Hermann some slack, because he's, y'know, fragile, right now."

"I'm not _fragile_ ," Hermann says, narrowing his eyes at Mend. 

"You kind of are, dude," Mend says squeezing Hermann's knee. "We _all_ are. A bit. I just meant that Newt could get pissy at me all he wanted and it wouldn't make a difference. Getting pissy at you... might?"

Hermann raises a hand to his face, rubbing a patch between his eyes with the pads of his fingers before sighing and gesturing for Mend to come to him. He pulls Mend against him and takes Newt's hand. "Arguments do not always signify the end of a relationship. Even at times of heightened stress." He kisses the side of Mend's head and squeezes Newt's hand. "We've had more arguments than I care to count in the time we've known each other. We're still _here_. Nothing is so insurmountable as silence; if you just _talk_ to me, we can put things to right."

"Dude, talking got us in this whole mess," Mend says with a roll of his eyes. "You can't force understanding. With _any_ of us."

"Do I really need to explain to you the basics of interpersonal communication?" Hermann jostles Mend and noses the side of his head. "We talked, now we understand."

"There's still one thing I don't understand," Newt says, cupping a hand around Tesla as he shifts to sit up a little higher. "Why didn't you tell me I was getting out of here?"

"You didn't know? I thought Katz was going to tell you," Mend says, eyes wide with shock. "She came straight in here after she told me. I just assumed she'd let you know."

"Shouldn't make assumptions, man..." Newt says and smiles as Mend joins in on the follow up. "They make an ass out of you and umption."

"No wonder we spend so much time confused," Hermann says with a roll of his eyes but unable to hold back a laugh when Mend pokes him in the side. "Who did or did not tell you what and when is irrelevant now. It's going to be good to have you _home_."

"It's going to be good being in a bed you'll get into without drama," Newt says with a smirk.

There's a knock on the door and Mend disentangles himself from Hermann, holding his hands out to Newt until he grumbles and passes Tesla over to him. He shoves the rat back in his hoody unceremoniously and waits a moment for him to settle in his sleeve before setting his face and opening the door.

"Seriously, dude, nothing more than hugging is happening in here," he says incredulously when he sees Katz on the other side. 

"I'm being _polite_ , dude," Katz says waving him off as she walks past him. "That's that thing where you're _respectful_ and _considerate_ of other people. Boundaries, yo: they're a thing. Hermann, that's a new spot for you." She raises an eyebrow as she stops on the opposite side of the bed.

"Comfort was required and couldn't be administered from a standing position," Hermann says uncomfortably. "I was just about to get down."

"Eh, don't worry about it; stay where you are. I'm just doing a quick check up to make sure we're all on track," she says and turns to Newt. "Still feeling okay? No nausea? Pain?" 

"Yeah, I'm good. Still a little hungry, though," Newt says and then pauses for a moment. "A _lot_ hungry. _So fricken hungry_."

"I get it, I get it," Katz says and passes him the tub. "Go on, then. But remember, if it starts to hurt, stop and wait a while. You're still healing."

Newt groans when he gets hold of it, quickly filling up the spoon and shoving it in his mouth. "I get exhausted walking to take a piss, I _know_ my body's all whacked out now, okay?" Newt says around a mouthful of yoghurt. 

Hermann taps him on the chin, lips pursed in a moue of distaste.

Newt sticks a slightly yoghurt covered tongue out and shoves another spoonful in his mouth.

"Okay, so you're eating and drinking okay. Urinary output is good. We'll check the bag in the morning, but if that's all ship shape, you'll be out of here before lunch tomorrow," Katz says with a bright smile.

"Oh thank god," Newt says, hands dropping into his lap as he relaxes. "It's not that I didn't believe you guys but, y'know, she's The Man."

"Damn skippy, I am," Katz says with a wink. "One of the nurses will be coming by this afternoon to talk to you about your diet for the next few weeks. Mend, you want to stick around to make sure you're up to speed on what he needs?"

"Um. Can I just-" Newt says, clearing his throat as he looks at Mend. "It's not that I don't trust you, man, but we forget to eat at the best of times, and I'm thinking this whole diet thing probably doesn't have a whole lot of room for ramen. So, uh, Hermann? Would you mind fielding this one? If you're okay with that. I mean, you don't have to if you-"

"It would be my pleasure," Hermann says, smile broad as he squeezes Newt's knee through the blanket.

Newt ducks his head and out of the corner of his eye sees Mend looking at Hermann with a smug smile.

"Okay, I'll see if she has some time at around four to come see you two. Four's good, yeah?" Katz raises an eyebrow and Newt shrugs and looks at Hermann.

"How's your schedule looking? Mine's filling up pretty quickly. Four might be a bit hard to work," Newt says in a dry tone, taking another mouthful of yoghurt. "I mean, I've got all this lying around to do."

"Four is fine, Beverly," Hermann says shaking his head at Newt. 

"I'll set it up," Katz says and heads for the door, pausing to stare at Mend with a judgmental look before she opens it. "Don't think I didn't notice that rat in your sleeve."

"What rat? I have no idea what you're talking about," Mend says, trying not to look guilty.

"So your forearm's just sprouted tentacles, has it? Maybe we should sign you up for a biopsy," she says pointedly, staring at Mend's forearm as Tesla wiggles about under the material. "Who knows what sort of mutations might be happening?"

"No! It's not- I wasn't-" Mend babbles holding his forearm close to his body and trying to keep Tesla still.

"Don't let me see it in here again," she says with a shake of her head as she exits.

"You didn't see it _this time_!" Mend calls after her, but she just rolls her eyes as the door snicks shut.

"Sometimes I don't know why she lets you get away with the things you do," Hermann says, staring over his shoulder at the closed door.

"It's because she likes us," Newt says with a grin and holds his hands out to Mend. "Give him back. I'm not done cuddling."

"Sometimes I don't know why _I_ like you," Hermann mutters as he watches Mend open up his sleeve and pour Tesla out onto Newt's chest.

"Because we're cute," Mend says as Tesla plops out and scurries up to Newt's face. "And because we do this." He sidles up to Hermann and stands between his legs, wrapping his arm around his middle as he leans in and kisses him slowly.

"I'll just be down here, not kissing either of you," Newt sighs and looks at Tesla who is in the process of climbing up his chin and sniffing his mouth. "You got kisses for me, Tes? You my only friend? Yeah, you are."

"Yeah, you're so unloved. Nerd," Mend says, breaking away from Hermann and leaning down to kiss Newt on the forehead before flopping back down in his chair.

The rest of the afternoon passes quickly. Newt plays with Tesla until they both pass out for an hour; Newt snoring softly and Tesla curled up under his chin. 

Hermann slips stiffly off the bed once Newt's asleep and goes for a walk to stretch out before the nurse comes.

At around a quarter to four, Mend lifts Tesla with care and tucks him away in his shirt pocket before slipping off to take him back to the lab. 

When he gets back, Newt's smirking at Hermann as he looks between his notepad and a spreadsheet on his laptop screen.

"He took notes?" Mend asks, raising an eyebrow at Newt.

"He took notes." Newt continues to smirk as Hermann huffs and ignores them, focusing on entering the data into a manageable form.

Tendo shows up at six, bringing dinner. He and Mend spend the night sneaking Newt small pieces of soggy spaghetti whenever Hermann's not paying attention.

By eight, Newt's getting drowsy again and Tendo wishes him a goodnight, telling him he'll drop round his quarters the next night.

Mend and Hermann spend half an hour clearing up the detritus from two weeks worth of holding vigil and pile everything by the door.

"One more sleep," Mend says slipping Newt's glasses off his nose and putting them on the bedside table.

"Gonna cuddle the shit out of both you tomorrow," Newt says, voice heavy with impending unconsciousness as he snuggles into the pillow.

"And we are going to cuddle right back," Hermann says, leaning in to kiss Newt on the forehead.

"Gonna... hold you... to that," Newt says as he drifts off.

Mend smiles, fond and full of hope as he looks from Newt's face up to Hermann. " _Tomorrow_ ," he whispers, unable to keep the giddiness from shining through.

"Tomorrow," Hermann agrees, relaxing like he hasn't since before everything went wrong. "The sooner we get back and sleep, the sooner we can come collect him. Let's go."

Mend grabs everything beside the door, hefting it onto his shoulders and smacking Hermann's hands away when he tries to take some of the load. "I'm not having you straining something the night before he gets back. Grab your laptop, let me be your beast of burden, 'kay?"

Hermann shakes his head and takes his computer bag, following Mend through the halls and back to his quarters in silence.


	5. Chapter 5

They spend the night Newt-proofing the room; making sure things are accessible, nothing's on the floor, and bedside lamps have been set up on both sides of the bed. They pack a bag of comfy clothes to take to Newt the next morning so he doesn't have to walk through the halls with his ass hanging in the breeze.

It's nearly eleven by the time they finish and they strip off and curl up in bed, exhaustion seeping into their bones. Mend rests his head on Hermann's chest, listening to his heartbeat and trying to will sleep to break through his wired over-tiredness.

"He's gonna be back tomorrow," Mend says as though he can't quite believe it.

"It feels like so long," Hermann responds, lips pressing softly against the crown of Mend's head. 

"It's not gonna be the same." Mend tightens his arm around Hermann's middle, kissing his chest as he huddles in. "He's gonna be _here_ but... I don't want to hurt him."

"We're not going to hurt him," Hermann says, rubbing Mend's shoulder in comfort.

"This bed's not big enough for the three of us with him out of action," Mend says, mouth turning down at the side. "We should switch off, alternate nights."

"We'll see," Hermann says, sounding unconvinced. "I have the sneaking suspicion Newt's going to want us _both_ here."

"Katz specifically said _no shenanigans_. You know what he's like - what _I'm_ like - he's been awake in that room for a week and the second we get the tiniest bit of privacy, he's going to want _more_ ," Mend turns and looks up at Hermann in shame. "It feels like it's been so long... I don't think I'm going to be able to tell him _no_."

Hermann's hand stills. "I hadn't thought of that," he says, voice subdued in the dim light of the room. "Since it happened, I've only considered touch for comfort, not pleasure. I... You know, I don't remember our last time. It can't have been that long ago..."

"We were sort of... settling? Settling in, I mean. The last few nights before it happened we were just sleeping. It was good, don't get me wrong; never really had that before - waking up beside someone and still being happy they were there." Mend kisses Hermann's chest again, looking up at him with a soft smile that fades as the moment passes. "I don't really remember it, either."

"We'll remember our next time," Hermann says, voice determined. "I don't think any of us will be able to forget our first time back together."

"Here's hoping," Mend says with a sigh. "Doesn't help trying to put it off. All that build up..."

"We could... take the edge off the temptation?" Hermann says, biting his lip as he looks at Mend.

"What? Like, give into temptation to stop us from giving in to temptation?" Mend asks and Hermann shrugs noncommittally. "We'd tell him, though, right?"

"Perhaps not straight away..."

Mend can feel Hermann holding his breath and gives a slow, considering nod. "Wouldn't really help the situation if he knew..." He looks at Hermann for a moment longer and then stretches up and kisses him softly. 

Hermann lets out a soft sigh as he returns the kiss, lips gentle as his fingers ghost over Mend's back. 

It's been so long since there's been anything close to intent in their touches that they get caught up in the sensation, simple skin on skin that's a comfort all its own. Mend palms Hermann's chest, thumb brushing over a nipple as Hermann's fingers curl into his hair and he gasps into his mouth. The sound changes something, reminds him that he's alive and Hermann's alive and Newt's coming home and everything really is going to be okay. He changes the angle to deepen the kiss as his hand slides down Hermann's torso and under the waistline of his underpants, fingers stroking over his cock to coax him to full hardness. 

Hermann murmurs approval into his mouth and raises his hips to let Mend push his underpants down his thighs and take him in a firm grip. He nudges Mend in the side, pushing until he's straddling Hermann and has his boxers down to his knees. 

Mend kicks up a leg and tugs one side of his pants off without breaking the kiss before lowering himself over Hermann, hands sweeping over his body and up to his face to hold him as he rolls his hips. They both groan at the sensation - it's only been a few weeks but it feels like a lifetime. Hermann murmurs _get the lube_ into his lips and Mend groans and lunges to the side, scrabbling in the drawer to grab it and toss it beside them on the bed before he's back on top. He musses Hermann's hair as he resumes the kiss and rubs up against him and he doesn't _care_ how juvenile he's being he just wants to touch and be touched by Hermann. He can feel Hermann's arm flailing around beside them but it's irrelevant because Hermann's kissing him and making muffled little sounds of pleasure and then his hand's slipping between them and grasping them both in a slick, wet grip.

He gasps as he breaks away, burying his face in Hermann's neck and thrusting into the tight hold Hermann has on them. _Fuck, yes_ he moans into Hermann's skin as Hermann starts to stroke, spare hand alternating between rubbing Mend's back and pushing down on his ass to keep him close. 

Mend rises on his elbows to stare down at Hermann, flushed and sweaty, as he feels the pressure begin to build in his balls. "It's not gonna take much," he says, glancing down between them to watch Hermann's hand squeezing and pulling their cocks with greater speed.

"No," Hermann says, shaking his head and breathless. "It's- it's n- _god_ ," Hermann groans, tensing as he spills over his hand and stomach and Mend can only stare as Hermann's eyes close, mouth hanging open with a breathy moan.

" _Don't stop, don't stop_ ," Mend insists, reaching between them to wrap around Hermann's hand and keep the momentum up and then he's following, soaring over that blissful peak to slump against Hermann and mouth sleepy kisses into his neck.

"I've missed that," Hermann says in a sated, happy tone, turning his head to kiss Mend's ear. 

"I've missed... you... touchy... missing... hmmm," Mend mumbles, blissed out and incoherent and not caring one iota.

A puff of laughter, soft and warm, hits Mend's ear and then Hermann's nudging him until he slides to the side. He feels Hermann stretch and then he's being wiped down with a tissue, the light's being turned off and Hermann's gathering him close, pressing a kiss to his hair as he falls into sleep.

The next morning Mend's up and going before Hermann is, dressed and shaved and waiting anxiously by the time Hermann's half way through his stretches. He has to be convinced to go to the commissary for breakfast, and even then he barely tastes a thing, as excited as he is.

It's nine by the time they make it to Medical and Newt's sitting up in bed, eating a tub of yoghurt. There's a wheelchair sitting beside the door and Mend raises an eyebrow at Newt as he dumps the bag beside the bed.

"Protocol, apparently," he says with a roll of his eyes. "Guessing the fact that I can't make it to the toilet and back without needing a rest justifies the chariot home."

"You'll get there about fifteen times faster," Mend says with a shrug and throws himself into his chair. 

"Fuck off, I'm not that slow." Newt flips Mend off and returns his focus to his yoghurt.

"Has there been any word on when you'll be released?" Hermann asks, settling in his own chair.

"Soon, maybe? Haven't seen Katz this morning, but the nurse said she'd be by later."

"Well, then, I guess it's just the three of us with our anticipation, then," Hermann says, reaching over to give Newt's ankle a squeeze through the blanket.

"I'm not thinking about it, dude," Newt says, licking his spoon before pointing it at Hermann. "I am actively _not thinking about it_."

"You don't think they'll let you go?" Hermann asks, looking concerned as he sits up straighter in his chair. "Did something happen while we were gone?"

"Nothing happened," Newt says with a sigh and dumps the empty container and the spoon on the table before pushing it away. "I just... if I think about it, it's _all_ I'll be able to think about. I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing."

"No, dude. _No_. You're coming home," Mend says, voice firm and eyes adamant. "Katz said you're coming home today."

"That's what I'd be like," Newt says, gesturing at Mend as he looks at Hermann. "He's been bouncing off the walls all morning, hasn't he?"

"He was up before I was," Hermann says with a fond smile. "I'm quite sure he's burned off breakfast with all the jiggling his leg's done."

"I'm right here," Mend says with a frown. "Sorry for wanting you home, sheez."

"I've really gotta do this? Really?" Newt says, holding out a hand to Mend and staring at him until he takes it. "I wanna come home. I _don't_ want them to tell me I _can't_ go home yet."

"I know. I just- They brought you a wheelchair, man. Why would they do that if they weren't going to let-"

A knock at the door cuts him off.

Their breaths simultaneously catch in their throats and for a moment the room is complete silence. 

It's Hermann who regains himself first, clearing his throat and calling out _come in_ as he twists in his chair to look behind him.

"Hey, hey," Katz says as she steps through and closes the door behind her. "We're all here and anxious, I see."

"Can he come home? He can come home, right?" Mend says, gripping Newt's hand tight enough to make him let out a strangled sound.

"Just got to run through a checklist and then we'll know for sure," Katz says as she makes her way to the bed, voice firm yet understanding. "Okay, so, you peed this morning?"

"Yup, and it was as clear as water," Newt says, looking somewhat pleased with himself.

"Go you; way to hydrate," Katz says with a smirk. "Still not in any pain?"

"Nope. Slight twinge when I move too fast, and I get exhausted doing stupidly simple things, but otherwise all good."

"Okay, just got to check your stitches and make sure the stoma's working properly," she says and glances between Newt and Hermann. "Uh, Hermann, would you mind stepping out for a moment?"

Hermann swallows and nods, patting Newt's leg as he stands. "Let me know when it's okay to come back," he says as he slips out the door.

Newt looks a touch guilty, but relaxes visibly when Hermann's gone. 

"It's okay, buddy, we get it," Mend says as he gives Newt's shoulder a squeeze.

"Okay, let me just..." Katz flips back the blanket and raises Newt's gown. "The stitches still look good; wound's healing nicely. They'll be coming out in a day or two, don't worry. Now, the stoma..." She checks the bag and the stoma with care, lifting it and checking around the edge to make sure everything's in order. "Okay, output's looking good, no blockages. You should be okay with this bag for a day or two with the amount you're eating, but I'll check it when I do my first house call tomorrow." She covers him back up and looks at their expectant faces.

"So? What's the verdict? Can he come home?" Mend says, fairly vibrating in place.

She holds up a finger and opens the door. "Hermann? You can come back in now," she says and makes them wait until he's inside before she looks at Newt and continues. "You're all clear. We're officially releasing you."

Mend lets out a whoop and lurches forward to wrap Newt in a hug. Hermann looks like he might hug Katz, arms opening wide, but then he's grabbing her hand and shaking it in both of his, looking grateful and happy and close to tears all at once.

" _Thank you_. Thank you so very much, you don't know just _how much_ we appreciate this. _Thank you_ ," Hermann says and Katz laughs, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder.

"I think I might have an idea," she says with a smile and then turns to Mend. "I could get one of the orderlies to push Newt back to your room, but I'm pretty sure you want to do the honors?"

"Damn right, I do," Mend says, looking up from where he's hugging Newt, who still hasn't said a word.

Newt's staring at Katz, fingers clenched tight on Mend's shoulders as he tries not to hyperventilate. "Holy shit," he whispers. "Holy shit, _holy shit_. You're really letting me go?"

"Yup," Katz says, untangling her hands from Hermann's and giving him a pat on the shoulder. "You're all clear to go take up space somewhere else."

"I thought..." He blinks and swallows, shaking his head before continuing. "I thought you'd find a reason to keep me here." He looks over at Mend, eyes wide. "Holy shit, dude."

"Exactly, man," Mend says with a fond smile straightening to look at Katz directly. "There's no time limit on this, right? He can go whenever?"

"Whenever you can get him out of that bed."

"C'mon, c'mon, get up, _up_ ," Mend says, nudging Newt in the shoulder.

Newt blinks up at him owlishly and Hermann steps in to stop Mend jostling Newt, though his smile is no less wide than it was. "Give him a moment," Hermann says in a gentle tone, stilling Mend's hand.

Newt stares up at them for a moment longer and then shakes his head, hand moving to pull the blanket back and angle his legs towards the edge of the bed. "Okay... okay... I'm going, I'm- Holy shit, I'm getting out of here." Newt stops, legs hanging off the edge of the bed as he looks at Mend. "My ass is going to be hanging out the entire way back."

Mend snorts, patting Newt's knee as he grabs the bag. "Got it covered, bud," he says as he pulls the sweats out and holds them up. "You want a hand getting into these?"

"Yeah, I- yeah. I can't really bend right now," Newt says, watching as Mend kneels to get his feet through the leg holes and gives him the nod. He slides off the edge of the bed with care, waiting for Mend to pull the sweats up before he relaxes and leans in to Mend and puts his head on his shoulder.

"Nearly there. I've got a hoody in there, too. You want it?" Mend asks, rubbing a hand over Newt's back in comfort.

"Yeah," he breathes as Mend passes him over to Hermann.

"Do you want to keep the gown on?" Hermann asks and Newt shakes his head, turning to the side to let Hermann undo the ties.

Loosened, the gown falls off Newt's shoulders and Hermann lets out a hiss as his back is revealed. Newt shies away, hands covering as much of the partially filled bag as he can but Hermann's pressing in close, wrapping an arm around his chest and kissing his shoulder.

"It's not the bag," Hermann murmurs into his skin. "It's the first time I've seen the stitches... the extent... We came so close... So close."

Newt doesn't relax, standing tense and silent, hunched around the bag until Mend stands and moves in front of him.

"You're coming _home_ , man," he says, tilting Newt's chin up with a finger and brushing his thumb over his cheek. "You have no idea how much we've missed you." 

Newt meets Mend's eye, but he's still looking anxious. "I'm- I don't- I _can't_ \- It's too much..."

Mend sighs and kisses him on the forehead. "Let's get the hoody on and get you out of here, 'kay?"

Newt nods miserably and Mend looks over at Hermann, waiting for him to release his hold on Newt and step back, but he's still curled in on himself.

"Hermann, you wanna turn around for a minute?" Mend asks, silently pleading with his eyes for Hermann not to argue.

Hermann nods, eyes closing in resignation as he shuffles around and faces the door.

"Okay, arms out, let's get that bag covered." Mend says, slipping Newt's glasses off his face and tossing them on the bed before holding up the hoody. 

It's a struggle to get the sweater over Newt's head without him bending or stretching too much, but eventually he's tugging it down over his torso and tucking the bag up into it. He looks over his shoulder guiltily and uses the bed to steady himself as he walks up behind Hermann.

"I'm sorry," Newt says quietly and Hermann looks over his shoulder, features softening as he sees Newt's face.

"I'm going to see it sometimes," he says in a gentle tone as he turns and wraps him in a hug, pressing Newt's head down to his shoulder as he holds him tight. "But whatever you need to be comfortable, I will provide."

Newt buries his face in the crook of Hermann's neck, keeping his breath even as he tries to calm himself down. He looks up at Hermann with a smile bordering on fragile and pulls away, feeling around on the bed for his glasses. "Okay, let's get out of here."

Mend rushes over and grabs the wheelchair, bringing it over and muttering _I know, I know_ as Katz points out how to lock the wheels. He takes Newt's elbow as Newt lowers himself into the chair, keeping hold until Newt slaps at his hands.

"I'm sitting, dude. I literally can't fall right now," Newt says with a frown as he pushes Mend away.

"You somehow always manage to exceed expectations," Hermann says with a small smile, brushing his hand over the back of Newt's head.

"Jerk," Newt says, taking Hermann's hand and squeezing it. "Okay, time to wheel me barefoot through the shatterdome. Somehow that feels like the weirdest part."

"Oh! Nearly forgot!" Mend grabs the bag from the floor and roots around in it until he's pulling out a pair of bunny slippers and shoving them in Newt's lap triumphantly.

"You're both jerks." Newt snorts and drops them to the floor to wiggle his feet into them. "Okay, I'm good. Let's go."

"You heard the man," Hermann says and gives Newt's shoulder a squeeze. "Let's go home."

"See you at your first check up, man," Katz says, leaning against the wall to watch them go.

"Listen, Katz- Doc- Shit, you realize we only ever call each other dude or man?" Newt says, distracting himself and looking up at Katz with a frown.

"Or dweeb, _dweeb_ ," Katz says with a smirk and then shrugs. "Go with Bev if you really want to get personal."

"I do, I really- I- Shit. Thank you, Bev. For getting my head sorted out and taking care of me and not putting up with any of my shit. It- I would have lost it. So, _thank you_. If I'd thought of it earlier, I'd be hugging the shit out of you right now," Newt says and Katz reaches out to take his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"You can hug me later," she says with a smile. "Now go home and get some rest. _Bed rest_. Remember, no shenanigans." She lets go of Newt's hand and fixes her gaze on Mend and Hermann. "Take care of him, double dweeb. You, too, Hermann."

"Such is my intention," Hermann says, inclining his head to her as he picks up Newt's cane in his free hand. 

Mend just grins like an idiot and pushes Newt out the door. 

It takes them more than half an hour to get back to the room - Mend keeps getting Newt caught on corners, and half a dozen people they only really know in passing stop them to see how he's doing. By the time they stop outside the door, Newt's a little grumpy and Mend's got several designs for a wheelchair that doesn't steer like a cow rattling around in his head.

Getting Newt into the room is just as awkward as the trip home. The stairs aren't big enough for Newt to plant his cane firmly, and only just wide enough for Mend and Newt to stand side-by-side. There's a touch too much jostling that leaves Newt hissing in pain and leaning against the wall by the time they reach the top.

"You okay, dude?" Mend asks, placing a tentative hand on Newt's shoulder as he looks over at Hermann in worry.

"I'm okay..." Newt says, arms wrapped around his middle protectively. "Just... be careful where you grab next time. Give me my cane." 

Hermann hands it over and Newt quirks a grin at him.

"Thanks, twin," he says and makes his way across the room.

Mend holds out a guiding arm as Newt lowers himself to the bed, slow and careful in his movements. He lays down, eyes closing in bliss as he spreads his hands and rubs the mattress.

"Holy shit, I've missed my bed," Newt says with a blissed out smile, turning his face to rub it against the pillow.

"Do you need anything? I'm gonna spend the night on the couch in the lab so-"

"For fuck's sake, Mend," Newt says, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Would you fucking stop it with this self-sacrificing bullshit? We've been over this! We're _all_ in this. We're _all_ part of this... _this_. Nobody here is asking you to go. Nobody here thinks you're less important than anyone else. So any time you wanna stop jumping straight to _wah, nobody likes me, I'm gonna suffer in noble silence_ is fucking fine by me."

"The bed's barely big enough for the three of us when one of us isn't recovering from _major fucking surgery,_ asshole," Mendelssohn says with a huff. "And if you didn't have brain damage, I'd be smacking you in the head right now."

"Get down here," Newt says tiredly and holds an arm out until Mendelssohn lays carefully beside him. "We had that talk. We're a thing and we said the thing and... when do I get more drugs? I feel like this is a conversation that needs more drugs."

"A couple of hours," Mendelssohn says with a soft puff of laughter. "You don't need the drugs for this, man."

"I just... I've been in the _hospital_. For, like, ever. And now that I'm back- Hermann, get down here, too." Newt gestures to the bed beside him and waits until he slides in behind Mend before continuing. "Now that I'm _back_ , I just want to sleep in my own bed... with-... with my boyfriends."

"We just thought it would be easier for you if you only had to share the bed with one person at a time while you were recovering," Hermann says, placing his hand over Newt's and slotting their fingers together. "The bed is rather small for three fully grown men at the best of times."

" _I don't care_ ," Newt huffs. "I want to go to sleep and wake up with you guys. I just want things to be _normal_." 

"We couldn't be normal if we tried," Mend says with a small smile. "But we can pretend for a little while."

"Jerk," Newt says and yawns. "Fuck, I'm sick of being tired."

"You want to nap?" Mend asks, rubbing a hand over the centre of Newt's chest.

"I want you guys to nap _with me_ ," Newt says with a petulant pout. "But I know for a fact that _you_ won't sleep and you've probably got things to do, Hermann."

"I can work here today," Hermann says, giving Newt's hand a squeeze. "Besides, I think I promised to- How did you put it? 'Cuddle the shit out of you'?"

Newt looks at Mend wide-eyed and serious. "He's my favorite boyfriend." 

Mend huffs a laugh and looks over his shoulder at Hermann. "Yeah, he is pretty good sometimes."

"I resent that 'sometimes'," Hermann says with a sniff and Mend reaches back and pats him on the cheek.

"Okay, I'm gonna get you set up to work, and go into the lab for a while. You want me to bring back lunch?" Mend says as he wiggles out from between Newt and Hermann.

"God, yes, bring me _all the food_ ," Newt moans clutching his stomach.

"He'll bring you what I tell him to and nothing more," Hermann says looking between them with a stern gaze. "Don't think I don't know about the spaghetti. I let it slide because I didn't want to be called Captain Buzzkill or whatever you had in store for me. You made your nutrition my responsibility and I'll not have you making yourself miserable on my watch."

Mend and Newt stare at Hermann in shock, jaws hanging open.

"Hermann," Newt says, shuffling across the bed into the space Mend vacated to wrap an arm around Hermann. "I was exaggerating, okay? Mend's gonna get whatever you tell him to and I'm going to eat it."

"I wouldn't put it past the two of you to collude and set your recovery back," Hermann says with a sniff.

"Dude, we're not going to fuck this up," Mend says, kneeling on the edge of the bed near Hermann. "It was, like, three small pieces of spaghetti cooked practically to disintegration. It was about the same consistency as yoghurt by that point."

"It's the _principal_ of the thing," Hermann says, jaw tight and lips pursed. "I cannot ensure that Newt's needs are met if you won't listen to me."

"We listen to you," Newt says, resting his head on Hermann's shoulder. "We're _going_ to listen to you. You're in charge of the food. That's it. It's written in stone."

"Seriously, dude, write it down and I'll bring it back for him," Mend says and starts to unpack Hermann's laptop. "You can watch him like a hawk while he eats." 

"I don't want to _watch him_ , I want to know you're listening, if not to me, then to his doctors." Hermann shuffles up the bed and wraps his arms around Newt, pulling him close to rest on his chest. "I don't want to argue. I want for everything to return to normal, too."

"Arguing kind of _is_ normal for us, so, we're halfway there. Hurray!" Newt says, tilting his head up to give Hermann a lopsided smile.

"That is _not_ what I meant," Hermann says, with a sigh and kisses Newt's forehead. 

"We know what you meant," Mend says, plugging the cord in and holding the laptop out to Hermann. "So, look up what's on Newt's menu in your adorable little spreadsheet and I'll go argue with the commissary staff until I get it."

"My spreadsheet is _not_ adorable," Hermann says as he rests the laptop on his knee and flips it open, keeping one arm around Newt as he navigates singlehandedly. "It's a clean and simplified way of arranging data that ensures maximum nutrition without risking repetition. I can order the lists of acceptable foods for each stage of your recovery in such a way as to ensure that your diet is varied enough that it doesn't become a chore, while still keeping you on course for a speedy recovery."

"And it's adorable that you're so serious about it," Newt says rubbing a hand over Hermann's stomach and kissing his chest. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Pass me that pad and a pen." He directs the latter to Mend, holding a hand out so he can take it and make a list. "You'll be getting his midday meal and an afternoon snack. He'll be eating small portions around five times a day."

"You're like a kitten, man," Mend says with a snort as he takes the list and drops a kiss to the back of Newt's head. 

"I'm way cuter than a kitten," Newt says rubbing his face against Hermann's chest and yawning.

"Debatable." Mend smirks. "Okay, so I'm gonna head into the lab for a while, let you nap, and I'll bring food when I come back. You want to play with Tesla for a while this afternoon, or is that a dumb question?"

"Dumbest question ever," Newt says, voice thickening as his eyes drift closed.

"Email if you need anything," Mend says and slips out the door.

He tools about the lab for a few hours, tidying up things he'd let slide and checking the samples in storage to make sure they're still viable. He runs the rats through the maze again but there's nothing new; all the clones have levelled out at a full ten seconds slower than the originals. He puts Tesla in just for fun and he runs it faster than the originals first go. The next half hour is spent looking up whether socialised animals perform better than unsocialised before he manages to remind himself that it's irrelevant information.

By the time lunch time rolls around he's bored out of his mind - there's so many things he could do, but they'd all take longer than the time he has available so he can't even start them. He races up to the commissary, spends fifteen minutes arguing with someone about the special meal Newt needs before he's finally able to take three covered trays back to his room.

Mend opens the door and stops in his tracks; Hermann's staring at the screen and Newt's passed out on his chest, mouth hanging open and drooling slightly. Hermann has his spare hand in Newt's hair, lightly brushing through the short strands and he glances up as Mend closes the door behind him.

"What?" Hermann asks as Mend sets the food boxes down and pulls out his phone.

"This is fucking adorable, wait 'til you see." Mend quickly snaps a shot and sits on the bed beside Hermann, holding the phone out. "Dad used to do this to us when we were growing up; take pictures when we were home sick from school, passed out on the couch and drooling. They were always super embarrassing back then, but they're kind of the best now."

"Why would he do that?" Hermann asks with a frown as he hands the phone back.

"I think he wanted us to remember that, as bad as we felt, it didn't last. Things always got better," Mend says and sighs and looks at Newt. "But, then, we were never in any real life-or-death situations back then."

"Its always different when you can't be sure," Hermann says, reaching out to squeeze Mend's hand. "Should I wake him?"

"'m 'wake," Newt mumbles, rubbing his eyes and smacking his lips as he rolls onto his back. "Lunch's here? Smells good."

"I could only get the one tray, so you're going to have to tell him what he can eat now, Hermann, but I pretty much got everything you said," Mend says peeling back the top of the tray and bringing it over to the bed.

"'Pretty much'? What do you mean 'pretty much'?" Hermann says, aiming a shrewd eye in Mend's direction.

"They didn't have mash, so I got boiled potatoes - it's kind of the same thing. Plus, less salt and butter, so, better, right?" Mend looks at Hermann tentatively, holding the tray away until Hermann nods and waves him forward.

"We'll just have to mash it ourselves," he says as he sets his laptop aside and sits up to move the pillows until they're behind Newt. "Sit up or you'll choke."

Newt grumbles as he tries to stretch without straining his abdomen and shuffles up the bed until he's angled against the pillows. "Okay, food me."

Mend finishes smooshing the last of the potatoes and passes the tray to Newt. 

"You can have those three sections now," Hermann says, pointing before getting up to take the remaining trays and passing one to Mend. "Save the rest for this afternoon. And remember-"

"Stop eating if I feel full, I _know_." Newt rolls his eyes and settles the tray on his lap, grabbing the fork and poking at the sections he's been given the go to eat. "These are all kind of mushy," he says, looking perturbed as he switches to the spoon.

"The smaller the surface area of your food, the less work your stomach has to do to digest it," Hermann says, settling on the desk chair to eat at the table. "I know you were at that meeting with the nurse; weren't you listening?"

"Not really." Newt shrugs. "I just want to eat."

"And yet you're pulling a face at your food rather than actually _eating_ it," Mend says, nudging Newt with his elbow. "I promise it tastes better than it looks."

Newt doesn't look convinced as he raises the spoon and takes a mouthful. "Ohmuhguh," he says, words garbled amongst mushy peas as his eyes close in rapture. " _This is so good_. So fuckin'... Guh, mmmf." Newt begins spooning the food into his mouth at speed and Mend has to reach out to hold Newt's hand back.

"Slow down, dude, you'll hurt yourself," he says, eyes wide as Newt struggles against him.

"I haven't eaten in _three weeks_ ," Newt says, yanking his arm away. "Fuck, you've got _no_ idea. _Chewing_ , man. Fucking _chewing_. I'm destroying things with the calcium deposits in my face and it's _awesome._ Fuck, _swallowing_. I bet you've never forgotten what it's like to _swallow_ food. God, just the feel of it going down, _fuck_. More. I want _more_."

" _Savor_ it, Newt," Hermann says in a gentle tone. "Your stomach's not accustomed to having very much in it, right now. Go _slowly_. Count to five between each spoon."

"You're taking all the joy out of this, you know that right?" Newt says as he takes another spoonful and holds it in his mouth for a while before swallowing. "It's just mushy peas, potatoes and carrots and it's _fucking amazing_. I want it all in me _now_."

"It's perfectly okay to graze, you know?" Hermann points out, eating his meal at a much more regulated pace than Newt. "We'll only take the tray away if you finish your current allotment."

"I don't wanna fucking _graze_ ," Newt says shoving another two spoonfuls of into his mouth and talking around them as he points at Hermann with an accusatory spoon. "I want to fucking _eat_."

"You are fucking _eating_ ," Mend says, grabbing Newt's arm again. "We just want you to be the tiniest bit _rational_ about it."

"When have I ever been considered 'rational'?" Newt asks grumpily and waits for Mend to let go so he can keep eating.

"You know what's going to happen, right?" Mend asks, looking at Hermann. 

Hermann closes his eyes and inclines his head. "I have an inkling."

"What's the worst that can happen?" 

"He'll throw it all up," Hermann says, pursing his lips as he looks at Newt.

"Fine, I'll eat a little bit fucking slower," Newt grumbles and pokes at the remainder of the food he's allowed; there's not much left. "Joyless fucking assholes."

Fifteen minutes later, Newt's tray is covered on the table and he's curled into Mend's arms, clutching his stomach and groaning.

" _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry,_ " he whispers burying his face in Mends shoulder and whimpering.

Mend kisses Newt's hair and rubs slow, comforting circles over his back. "We tried to warn you, man."

"It's just _pain_ , yes?" Hermann asks, pulling a face as he ties the garbage bag in a knot and hands the trash can to Mend so it's close by if necessary. "No nausea?"

"No nausea," Newt grinds out. There are little beads of sweat forming on his temples and Hermann sits on the edge of the bed to brush his hair off his forehead. "I just ate too much."

"Perhaps I misjudged how much you could comfortably ingest at this time," Hermann says, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. "Maybe you should have smaller amounts more frequently. Five to eight times a day instead of-"

"It's not your fault, Hermann," Newt says reaching behind to grab Hermann's hand. "I'm an idiot. I should have liste- _God, it hurts_."

"Maybe we should call Beverly," Hermann says, face pinched with worry as he looks at Mend.

" _No_ , it's not that bad, it's- this is the wrong area. It's not abdominal, just... stomachal. I'm not going back," Newt says, turning to look at Hermann with pleading eyes. "I don't want to go back."

"It's okay, bud," Mend says, tightening his arm around Newt. "I'll give her a call, let her know that you maybe ate too much, and she can tell us if it's something we should worry about, okay? We'll make her come down here to check you out before we let you go back to Medical."

"I don't want to go back," Newt says in a small voice, curling in on himself as he draws his arm back and clings to Mend.

"Herm, pass me my phone?" Mend asks, lips twisting as he points at the table. As soon as Hermann hands it to him, he's dialling and kissing Newt on the forehead while waiting for the call to connect. "Hey Katz, it's Mend. Uh, so, we have a slight issue here, Newt maybe ate a little too much... Uh huh... We just want to know if it's something we should worry about... He really doesn't want to come back... Okay, cool. We'll let you know. Thanks, man." Mend hangs up and both Newt and Hermann stare at him in apprehension. "If he's still in pain in about forty-five minutes, we should take him back up for an ultrasound. Apparently overeating is pretty common the first day out." 

"Is there anything I can do?" Hermann asks, lowering himself to the bed and running a palm over the back of Newt's head.

"We just gotta wait it out," Mend says with a sigh. "Why don't you take a walk; stretch out a little. You gotta be stiff from lying around all day. I got this covered."

"You're sure?" Hermann says in a wary tone.

"You don't need to watch this, Herm," Newt says through clenched teeth.

"You'll be back before the forty-five minutes is up. If anything happens, I'll let you know," Mend says, shrugging a single shoulder so as not to jostle Newt.

Hermann doesn't look completely convinced, but puts his shoes on. "I'll just go collect some things from my room and the lab. I'll be back _very_ soon." He leans down and kisses Newt's cheek gently, eliciting a tight smile from Newt.

"I'll be waiting for you to come back and call me an idiot."

"There will be time enough for that as you recover," Hermann says, kissing him once more before making his way out of the room.

"You doing okay, bud?" Mend asks once Hermann's gone.

"I feel like I'm going to rip open," Newt says, panting against Mend's chest. "It's barely a quarter of what I used to eat. It's- This totally isn't fair."

"You've been on IV for ages. Your stomach's shrunk," Mend says and resumes the slow, gentle rub over Newt's back. "You've lost so much weight, you're going to be the skinny, sexy version of me, now."

"The scrawny, nerdy version of you, you mean," Newt says and then he's groaning and burying his face in Mend's shoulder again, breathing in short, sharp pants as he waits out the spasm.

It takes twenty-minutes, but the pain eventually lessens and Newt falls into an exhausted sleep, almost immediately drooling into Mend's shirt. Mend rests his cheek against Newt's head, closing his eyes and letting out a long slow breath. 

Recovery was going to be more intense than he anticipated.


	6. Chapter 6

The next thing Mend knows is Hermann bumping into something as he stands over the bed.

Hermann looks slightly guilty as he places Mend's phone carefully beside him on the mattress and apologises in a quiet voice as he shuffles away.

"Whassamatta?" Mend asks as he flails to pick up the phone and look at it in confusion. "When'd you get back?"

"Two hours ago," Hermann says, voice soft as he looks over to check that Newt's still sleeping. "Didn't think it was worthwhile to wake you."

"What were you doing with my phone?" Mend asks as he blearily tries to thumb it unlocked.

"I didn't think you'd mind. It seemed... apropos," Hermann says, looking away to avoid Mend's eye.

Mend frowns and when he manages to get the phone unlocked, the camera's open. He clicks on the camera roll and thumbs through the most recent pictures, smile growing as he sees that the last five are of him and Newt asleep taken from various angles. Dropping the phone, he waves his hand until Hermann sits on the bed and then tugs on his blazer until he leans down close enough to kiss.

"You adorable, sentimental man," he says and Hermann huffs and pulls away.

"I'm not- I thought you would _appreciate_ the continuation of the tradition. I didn't think I'd be met with such-"

"Hermann... Hermann, come back," Mend says, smile fading as he reaches out to grab Hermann's hand without disturbing Newt. His mouth twists down at the side as Hermann stops moving, looking at him warily as Mend threads their fingers together. "So, we're both really bad at working out when something someone says is genuine, but I wasn't making fun of you. Well, not in a bad way. I- You really are adorable. I honestly think that."

Hermann slumps, looking down at his hands in his lap. "It's silly, isn't it? To get so defensive? Considering our relationship..." Hermann says, looking out the corner of his eye at Mend with a tentative expression. "I didn't know if you'd appreciate the gesture, or if you'd think I was... intruding on a family tradition."

Mend aims a lazy smile in Hermann's direction and tugs on his sleeve. "We _are_ family, dude." Mend keeps tugging until Hermann gives in and lets himself be pulled down to the bed. "You're our family."

"You're not upset?" Hermann asks in a quiet tone, resting his head on the pillow beside Mend staring at him with an earnest expression. 

"I'm not upset," Mend affirms and stretches until he can give Hermann a soft kiss. He grins against Hermann's lips, a puff of laughter crinkling his eyes as he twists his arm to stroke the side of Hermann's face. "You think I'm cute. Yeah, you think I'm cute, too."

Hermann responds with a laugh of his own and Mend can feel his cheeks heating under his fingertips. "I do," Hermann murmurs and presses in to silence Mend's laughter with lips and tongue.

"Y'havin' a kissin' party 'n didn't invite me," Newt slurs, staring at them blearily as they break apart. 

"You're _always_ invited to the kissing parties, man," Mend says with a smirk, turning to press a gentle kiss against Newt's sleep lax lips. "You've just gotta turn up."

"I turned up," Newt says, tone just this side of grumpiness as he rubs his eyes and stretches as much as he can.

"Are you feeling better?" Hermann asks, reaching over to smooth his hand over Newt's hair where it's sticking out in random directions, stiff with sweat and sleep.

"Depends..." Newt says, face shifting into a lazy suggestive smile. "Is this party gonna go above PG-13?" Newt slides his hand down to Mends crotch, raising an eyebrow as he gives it a gentle squeeze.

"Nonono, dude, stop," Mend says, wiggling his arm out from under Hermann so he can grab Newt's hand and pull it away. "No shenanigans. Katz said it; you heard her. _No shenanigans_."

"What even is a shenanigan anyway?" Newt grumps, dropping his hand to Mend's chest. "You say shenanigans, I think pranks. I'm not pranking anyone right now."

"I told you! Didn't I tell you? He hasn't even been here half a day and he wants it." Mend says, craning his neck to look at Hermann before turning back to Newt. "Dude, a few hours ago your were clinging to me and groaning because _you ate too much_. You can barely get to the toilet without needing a nap; which, by the way, you've had two of today. Sex is out of the question."

"You should have changed the sheets, then. It's all I can smell," Newt says, lip curling as he drops his head back to Mend's shoulder.

Mend and Hermann exchange a guilty look and Mend squeezes his arm around Newt tightly. "Okay, you got us there, but, in our defense, we'd probably be on our way to half-naked and I'd be trying to pull the plug _after_ getting you all worked up." He kisses Newt's forehead and sighs. "We just got you back. We don't want you back in the hospital because we broke you during sex. Wouldn't want to ruin all the cool you built up being a hero."

"I never asked to be a hero," Newt says, rubbing his nose against Mend's chest in frustration. "I just wanna get laid. And eat more than half a plate of food without feeling like I'm gonna die."

"You are a hero, though," Hermann says, raising up on an elbow to look at Newt, face solemn and full of feeling. " _My_ hero. Did I ever thank you? For saving my life?"

"I dunno," Newt shrugs, playing with one of the buttons on Mend's shirt to avoid Hermann's eye.

Hermann slips a finger under Newt's chin, tilting it up until he has Newt's full attention. "Thank you, Newton," he says and leans over to kiss him, slow and thorough. "Let us take care of you. Let me try to _begin_ to repay the debt I owe you."

"You don't owe me anything, Herm," Newt says, shaking his head. "It was just a thing I did. I didn't even think about it."

"Which makes it all the more worth thanking," Hermann says with a ghost of a smile.

Newt shrugs and doesn't respond, looking back down at the button he's flicking absently.

"Tell you what," Mend says, jostling Newt a little to get his attention. "I'll take one for the team and go have an awkward conversation with Katz. Get her to define 'shenanigans' a bit more in depth." 

"This is dumb," Newt says, flicking at the button in annoyance. "I don't want you to have to talk to my doctor about whether or not you can touch my dick. Forget it."

Mend sighs, brushing his lips over Newt's temple. "I gotta take the wheelchair back anyway. I'll do it while I'm in Medical. I'm getting used to Katz pulling that face at me; soon it won't have any effect at all."

"Newton, you must understand," Hermann says, stroking Newt's cheek. "It's not because we don't _want_ to. Having you back with us seemed like a- like a... _pipe dream._ I can assure you, I would like nothing more than to strip you bare and _show_ you how happy we are to have you back, and I'm quite sure that goes double for Mendelssohn."

"Hey, no, we're not getting into a who wanted Newt back more argument. We wanted you back. Period." Mend gives Hermann a stern look, and squeezes Newt's shoulder. "Now, I'm gonna go have a ridiculously matter-of-fact conversation with Katz about our sex life, and you're going to live with the knowledge of how much she knows about us. Both of you."

"Don't remind me," Hermann says, rolling away so Mend can wiggle out.

"Maybe by the time you get back, I'll have finished peeing. Or I'll have fallen in and drowned and will never have to think about Katz thinking about us having sex ever again," Newt says, sliding over to the edge of the bed and taking a deep breath. "Help me work out how to get up. This thing doesn't have rails."

Mend frowns and looks around. "Okay, so you're going to need to be able to do this on your own, so we should work from there..." He grabs Newt's cane and places it by the bed. "Can you use that for leverage?"

Newt stares at it for a moment, then wraps his fingers around the handle and pulls himself up, rolling his legs out of bed as he moves.

"Sweet. High five!" Mend holds out a hand and waits for a somewhat breathless Newt to place his palm against it. "That was kind of weak, but I'll give you a pass because you're a little bit broken right now. Okay, can you use the cane and the side table to get the rest of the way up?"

"You can take your time," Hermann says, sitting up and rubbing Newt's back. "The only person judging your performance is you, and you're well within your rights to go easy on yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint."

"I know, I know," Newt mutters, rearranging the cane and putting his hand in position. "This is a shitload of effort just to take a piss."

"And before you know it, it won't be an effort at all," Hermann says, placing a kiss on Newt's shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah," Newt says and braces himself, pushing out a lungful of air before lifting himself up at a slow and careful pace.

Mend holds out an arm, standing ready in case Newt needs him, but then Newt's standing and holding himself steady with the cane. 

Newt aims a small, tired smile in Mend's direction. "Small victories, hey?" And then jerks his head towards the bathroom. "Can you come in for a second?"

"You need help taking a piss?" Mend asks with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

"No, it's just- Forget it. Go... talk to Katz." Newt turns and shuffles away and Mend sighs and follows.

"Just a joke, man," he says as Newt makes it through the door and Mend darts through, closing it behind him. "What's up?"

"Nothing. It's not- It's... Do I... smell? Can you smell anything?" Newt asks, knuckles white on the grip of the cane while his other hand twists into the hem of his sweatshirt.

"You want a hand with the shower? You've only had, like, three sponge baths in the past few weeks, and I should probably have that talk with Katz before I get you all naked and soapy, but-"

"Not, like, B.O. smell," Newt interrupts, shaking his head and gesturing at his side, embarrassment and shame hanging over him like a shroud. "Like... shit smell."

"Dude, no," Mend says, ducking down to get into Newt's eyeline. "You're being paranoid. One hundred percent. I'm pretty sure it'd be super obvious. You wouldn't have to pull me aside to ask. Come here." Mend walks forward and wraps his arms around Newt, holding him close and hugging him tight. "We wouldn't leave you hanging if you did leak, and we wouldn't judge you if you did. The bag's plastic, sometimes plastic leaks."

"I'm half plastic," Newt says bitterly and Mend pulls back, staring at him wide-eyed.

"Dude. _Dude_ ," he says smacking Newt on the shoulder in excitement. "When you're on full solids, you should totally eat a shitload of those ridiculously delicious chips. You know, the ones that we found out the hard way cause anal leakage. You're, like, impervious to it now."

Newt drops his head and snorts and Mend pulls him back into a hug and kisses his hair. 

"I'm actually kind of jealous of you now. Those chips were so good... but so bad. _So_ bad," Mend says as Newt groans and shakes his head. "Feeling better now, bud?"

"Sort of." Newt shrugs and looks up at Mend, lips twisted with worry. "You really can't smell anything?"

"I _really_ can't," Mend says and rubs Newt's back comfortingly. "We'd _tell_ you if we did. We're not going to let you be all embarrassed over something that's easily fixed. And we're not going to be subtle about i- Okay, Hermann will probably be subtle about it, but I'm going to straight up say 'you stink' to your face. Then I'm going to help you shower and change and hug you until you feel better."

"Jerk," Newt mumbles, but lets himself be pulled back into a hug.

"Your jerk," Mend says, bussing the side of Newt's head with his nose. "You ready to face the toilet alone, or you need me to hold it while you go?"

"Everyone's right," Newt says as he slides his arms from around Mend and turns away. "I'm an asshole."

"Straight up, no lie," Mend says and walks out of the bathroom, grinning as he closes the door behind him.

"Am I allowed to know what that was about?" Hermann asks, looking up from the computer screen with an air of resignation.

"He's worried we can smell his shitbag," Mend says as he flops down on the bed to pull his shoes on. "I told him we'd tell him if we did, and that you'd probably be subtle about it."

"I wouldn't be _subtle_ , I'd be _considerate_ ," Hermann says with a huff and turns back to the screen.

"Eh, semantics," Mend says and jumps up, pressing a kiss to the top of Hermann's head as he passes on his way to the door. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go have a gruesomely in-depth discussion with Katz about our sex life."

Hermann mutters under his breath as Mend slips out the door.

He's pushing the wheelchair back when a heavy weight falls into it and looks up at him blinking his eyes coquettishly.

"Thought you didn't like being pushed around," Mend says, putting his back into it to keep the chair moving and blinking innocently when Tendo's legs hit a wall.

"Heard Newt got sprung today," Tendo says, pulling his feet in as he looks up at Mend. "That means party, right? I'll bring over some stuff and we'll drive Hermann nuts sneaking him stuff?"

"Eh, maybe tomorrow, man," Mend says, with an awkward shrug. "He ate too much at lunch and spent half an hour rolling around and moaning, convinced his stomach was going to rip open. Might want to wait until he can eat a little more than half a cup of food before we spring something on him."

"Bummer," Tendo says, slumping down in the chair.

"I promise, when he's up to it, we'll go all out," Mend says patting him on the shoulder. "Wontons in the boneslum? Yes? Yes."

"Then copious quantities of alcohol and karaoke. I bet Hermann's got a set of pipes on him," Tendo says with a grin, then slaps the arm of the wheelchair a few times. "This is my stop. Let me know what's what. Later!"

Tendo jumps out of the chair and strides down the hall, leaving Mend to shake his head and call _later_ before continuing to Medical.

He leaves the wheelchair by the Nurse's station and makes his way through the halls to Katz's office. Knocking and waiting, he pulls out his phone and begins to wonder if he should have maybe called instead.

She opens the door a few minutes later and stares at him. "You're back? Why are you back?" She asks, dumbfounded. "He's okay, right? Nobody called me after I heard from you last."

"He's fine. He just, ah... could we maybe go into your office for this?" Mend says, rubbing the back of his neck as he looks up at her cringing.

"I'm not going to like this," she says, narrowing her eyes as she steps back to let him through and closes the door after him.

"No, you're not," he says, standing to the side as she sits back down at her desk. "Um. We kind of need you to be a bit more specific."

"More specific about what?" She says, pointing at the chair behind him as she looks at him with suspicion.

"Um. Define 'shenanigans'?" He says and cringes as she slumps forward with a moan, hitting her head against the table a few times before looking at him with a pained expression.

"It's been _six hours_ ," she groans, thwapping him on the shoulder. "Don't you have any sense of propriety? The man's _healing_."

"Hey, don't look at me. I can abstain. Me and Hermann? We can abstain. We're _good_ at abstaining," he says, pointing a finger at her. "I don't want to talk about the whys or whatever. If I had my way, we wouldn't be having this conversation _at all_. But Newt... Newt wants _normal_. And 'shenanigans' _was_ normal for us."

"Ugh, okay," Katz says, rubbing her hands over her face. "It's so much harder when your patients are friends." She lifts some papers to find a pad and grabs a pen, making a bullet point list. "Okay, so, most of it's common sense; can you do common sense?"

"I'm not a _child_ ," Mend says with a huff, crossing his arms over his chest.

"That's debatable," she says with a roll of her eyes. "So, he's mostly healed - the stitches will be coming out tomorrow or the day after - but that doesn't mean you can't still do damage. Nothing acrobatic, he should be prone throughout to prevent tearing or pulling. Nothing is coming _out_ the out hole, so nothing should go _in_ the out hole. Do I need to explain that further?"

"No. No, that's a metaphor I can understand," Mend says, shaking his head and then frowning at her. "Is that a metaphor? Or a simile? I always get them confused."

"While I'd _love_ to go off on this tangent with you, I'd rather get this over with," Katz says, making a few notes on the pad. "You'll probably want to wait an hour or two after he's eaten, just to make sure things are settled."

"Treat sex like swimming, gotcha," Mend says with a smirk. "Wouldn't want him to cramp up and drown."

"Okay, _one_ , a cramp for him right now would be agony. _Two_ , he could bring everything back up and that'd put a _real_ dampener on things," Katz says in a stern tone, glaring at him. "Are you taking this at all seriously?"

"Yeah. _Yes_ ," Mend says quickly, waving his hands at her as if he could wipe the previous part of the conversation away. "It's just awkward and weird."

"You're telling me." Katz shakes her head and looks back down at the notepad. "Okay, flexibility covered; penetration covered. Am I forgetting anything?"

"Uh... Oral?" Mend says, ducking his head.

"Receiving, yes. Giving, see point one - he shouldn't be kneeling for a long period of time." She pauses and looks him up and down. "He shouldn't be kneeling for any period of time."

"Low blow," Mend says with a frown. 

"It was wide open," she says with a shrug and a twinkle in her eye. "Anything else?"

"Um. You said he shouldn't be penetrated, but... uh, can _he_ be the penetrator?" Mend says and his face must be flaming by now. Innuendo's fine. Bawdy is _great_. In-depth conversations with your doctor about all the specificities of your sex life? Mortifying.

"In my head, I've got this mental image of one of those life drawing figures; the ones with the little ball joints. I'm just moving it around, putting it into different positions," she turns and looks at him wistfully. "I haven't had to do that since med school." She shakes her head and looks down at her list. "Again, see the first point - if he's lying down, it should be okay as long as whoever is on top is being careful. I know, careful during sex is a mood killer, but you're the one who wants to have sex with an injured man."

"I don't want to. I mean, I don't _have_ to have sex and neither does Hermann. I just... want to get all my bases covered so they won't send me _back_ to ask you again," Newt says looking at her challengingly. "Do you want me coming back?"

"One word, dude: email," she says pointedly. "It's a miraculous thing. No facial expressions... no obvious judgment... just information in a sensible font."

"I do _not_ want a copy of this going through the Shatterdome's servers, okay?" Mend says, shuddering. "The big wigs are coming down on us; I don't want them to have that kind of ammunition."

Katz purses her lips. "Fair point." She rips the list off her pad and hands it to Mend. "If you have any other questions, feel free to email me for some 'gardening tips'."

"Okay. Um... What if Hermann needs some help with his... garden?" 

"Little life drawing figures," she says, staring off into the distance with a sigh. "Hermann can email me about his garden, too," Katz aims a dull-eyed stare at him. "I'll just be the Dr. Ruth of botany. Whatever."

"Oh, can he shower yet?" 

"Dude, _see point one_. Nothing acrobatic. Okay, y'know what? I changed my mind, you can't have sex yet. You're clearly not thinking about this at all rationally," Katz says, slapping a hand on the table and glaring at him.

"I didn't mean for _sex_ ," Mend says, returning the glare and giving the table a slap of his own. "For, like, hygiene. He's convinced he smells."

"Oh," Katz says, deflating and staring at him for a moment before waving a hand. "Yeah, sure. Showering's fine. Just, y'know, keep an ear out while he's in there. Maybe put a plastic chair in the cubicle for him to sit on."

"Okay, cool," Mend says and looks at Katz blankly. "So, this is super fucking awkward." He folds the paper up and puts it in his back pocket. "I'm gonna... go."

"Don't let this be a reason not to call me in an emergency," Katz says in a stern tone as he makes his way to the door. "This may have been as awkward as all get-out, but I'm still his doctor. Don't put him at risk because we're both a bit... y'know... about this conversation."

"What conversation?" Mend says innocently, pulling the door open and stepping out. "I promise I will call you, 'kay?"

"You better," Katz says, swinging her chair around to face the computer as he shuts the door behind him.

He hotfoots it through the Shatterdome, keeping his head down and not making eye-contact with anyone in case he gives away just _what_ that conversation was about. When he gets to his room, he slams the door shut behind him and throws himself face down on the bed beside Hermann and Newt, pulling a pillow down to block out everything.

After a while, the bed shifts and Hermann pulls the corner of the pillow up, looking at him with a wary expression. 

"It wasn't as bad as all that, was it?" Hermann says, looking at him expectantly.

"There's a list in my back pocket," he says grumpily. "If we have any more questions, we have to email her asking for 'gardening tips' because neither of us wants to do that face to face again." He pulls his head out from under the pillow and flops over onto his back, looking up at Hermann with a pointed look. "By which I mean, _you_ have to email her about gardening because me and him _suck_ at metaphors."

"Why does it have to be-"

"Ah ah ah," Mend says wagging a finger at him. "You were all 'wahh, I wanna be involved'. Now you're involved, suck it."

"Is that on the list?" Newt asks, looking over Hermann's chest at Mend.

"Yeah, depending on the position."

Newt mutters _sweet_ as he takes the list out of Hermann's hand to have a look.

"But, I'm a _physicist_. " Hermann says, looking down at Mend wide-eyed. "What do _I_ know about gardening?"

"About as much as I do," Mend says and lifts Hermann's arm to roll over and lay his head on Hermann's chest. "Now comfort me; I just had a traumatizing and _graphic_ conversation about our sex life with my doctor."

Hermann hurrumphs and pats Mend's shoulder condescendingly. "There, there, you poor misbegotten creature."

Mend blows a raspberry on Hermann's chest.

"Aw, man," Newt says, tossing the list to the side and rolling over to hug Hermann with a disgruntled pout. "I can't get fucked?"

"Nothing's coming _out_ the out hole, so nothing should go _in_ the out hole. Doctor's orders," Mend says, reaching over to pat Newt's shoulder. "Did you see the part where you're a toddler at a swimming pool?"

"What?"

"No fucking for at least an hour after eating. You could cramp up or throw up and this is a _lot_ of work just to have sex," Mend says, lip curling in annoyance. "Takes most of the fun out of it. You've been given the go-ahead to shower, though. Let me know when you want to do it and I'll help you in."

"Because I'm a toddler who can't _shower_ alone?" Newt asks incredulously.

"Because you might get tired and _fall over_ , buttface," Mend says, poking out his tongue.

"You're the buttface, buttface."

"No name calling while using me as a pillow," Hermann cuts in, nudging Mend's shoulder and bussing the side of Newt's head with his nose.

"We weren't, y'know, being serious or anything," Newt says, craning his neck to look up at Hermann. "In case you didn't notice, _his_ buttface is also _my_ buttface."

"You've just had a substantial dose of painkillers, so I'll forgive you for stating the obvious," Hermann says, smile soft as he kisses Newt's forehead. "Do you want to nap again before dinner?"

"No," Newt grumbles, rubbing his face against Hermann's chest. "But I'm probably gonna."

"The more you sleep, the more you heal," Hermann says, hand rubbing slow and gentle over Newt's shoulder.

"So, um, I was thinking we should maybe put the sex thing off until tomorrow or the day after," Mend says, biting his lip as he looks over at Newt.

" _But_ -"

"Hear me out, man, okay?" Mend pushes himself up and sits cross-legged by Hermann's side, rubbing his fingers together as he looks down at his lap. "You're home and it's great - it's fucking _awesome_ \- but you're still not _better_. You're exhausted and sore and... it's not gonna be _good_. It's gonna be... I know you want _normal_ , but just _sleeping_ together was normal for us." He reaches over and takes Newt's hand, squeezing it tight. "I don't want to hurt you, man."

Newt stares at their hands, nose scrunching up in displeasure. "So you went and had that whole conversation for nothing?"

"Not for nothing, no. I mean, we know what we can _do_ now. We've got limits and a better idea of how it's gonna work." Mend looks at Hermann, worried that he might be the only one on this boat. "Hermann? Do you- Am I the only one thinking this?"

Hermann inhales and pauses, looking between Mend and Newt for one long, tense moment. He lets the breath out and relaxes, pressing his lips to Newt's forehead. "Not as such, no," he says and noses at the side of Newt's head until they're eye to eye. "It's been a very big day - a _momentous_ day - and while I would love to end it showing you _exactly_ how much I appreciate that you're back in our bed, I feel that it may be shortsighted of us. Especially if we wish to _keep_ you here."

Newt pouts, upper lip curling in distaste. " _Fiiiine_ ," he sighs, whiny and dramatic. "Be concerned for _all_ of me and not just my dick. But I want two orgasms for every one you had while I wasn't here."

"Two orgasms it is," Hermann says with a smirk, craning his neck so he can kiss Newt slow and soft, hand cupping Newt's jaw and stroking his cheek. 

"And I get to choose what movies we watch. For the next week," Newt says as he draws back.

"That's fine by me," Mend says with a shrug. "We haven't seen anything new since the split, so chances are it's not gonna be something I hate. This one's all on Hermann."

"Your choices can't possibly be that bad." Hermann says, dismissive. 

Mend raises an eyebrow. 

Newt grins.

The surety slowly falls from Hermann's features.

"Can they?"

By the time they go to bed, Hermann has seen four Godzilla titles and Newt promises him there's another twenty-five before they're finished.

As they curl up to sleep, Newt smiles into the dark as Hermann mutters unintelligibly into his shoulder.

—-

"He's not a child. We can just... y'know."

"I don't feel comfortable with this."

"It's not like we'll be far. He can call if he-"

"Whazzat? Why're'ya talkin' 'bout me. Whasswrong?" 

Mend and Hermann look down at Newt who's rubbing his eyes and staring at them as he smacks his lips together and pulls a face at the hairy feel of his mouth.

"We, um, we kinda need to work, man," Mend says, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking care not to land on anything attached to Newt, and passing him his glasses. "I was thinking that you might want some time alone? Sleep and read and watch movies or whatever. We'll just be down the hall and I can leave my phone so you can call if-"

"You're gonna leave me all _alone_ ," Newt says, wide-eyed as he presses the back of his hand to his forehead. "You're _abandoning me_ in my time of need!"

"He's gonna be fine," Mend says, looking up at Hermann with a shrug and poking Newt in the thigh.

"Seriously, come here, man," Newt says, waving a hand for Hermann to come closer and pushing at Mend until he vacates the spot to let Hermann sit. "I'm gonna be fine, okay? All I need is the toilet and for you to let me know when I can eat. You don't need to be here for that. Well, the bringing me food part, yeah, you'll need to be here for-" He cuts himself off and gives Hermann a tired smile. "I don't need anyone to supervise me sleeping and watching movies. But if you wanna come back and let me nap on you for a while, I won't say no."

"Maybe for a while this afternoon?" Hermann asks, brushing sleep mussed hair off Newt's forehead.

"Yeah, that'd be good," Newt says, taking Hermann's hand and pressing a dry kiss into his palm. "Gonna drool all over you. Mark my territory."

"You've already left an indelible mark on me," Hermann says with a soft smile. " _Both_ of you."

"I gotta piss," Newt says, eyes wide as he drops Hermann's hand and flips back the blanket. He pushes at Hermann until he stands and he can get his feet on the floor.

"You signed up for this," Mend says, wrapping a hand around Hermann's waist and watching with a careful eye as Newt pushes himself up.

"I know what I signed up for," Hermann says with a sigh, leaning into Mend's warmth.

"Check it," Newt says as he starts walking to the bathroom. "Got myself up, getting myself to the bathroom. I'm totally independent."

"We'll see you in the commissary for breakfast, then?" Hermann says, raising a teasing eyebrow.

Newt flips the bird over his shoulder and then looks over his shoulder, a worried furrow marring his brow. "You wouldn't really make me-"

"It'll be here before you get back in bed," Mend says with a shake of his head and looks at Hermann. "You got his list?"

Hermann makes his way to the desk, flips open his laptop, and starts writing. "Breakfast and a midmorning snack. You don't mind going back for lunch, do you?"

"I gotta get ours, anyway." Mend shrugs and takes the list, giving Hermann a quick kiss on the cheek before heading out into the Shatterdome.

Breakfast goes off without a hitch; Newt eats a reasonable amount and doesn't end up curled in on himself in pain. Leaving to go to the lab is less stressful than anticipated. Hermann leans over to kiss Newt on the forehead, whereas Mend goes in for the full hug, squeezing him tight and pressing the phone into Newt's hand. 

When they get to the lab, Hermann flips the lights on and looks at Mend.

"It appears that normalcy is descending upon us once more," he says with a shrug and heads to his side of the lab to finish cleaning off the boards.

"I don't even know what normalcy _is_ anymore," Mend mutters, walking over to the rat cages and setting up to run them through the maze.

He's refreshing the rats' water two hours later when he hears a slow shuffle and thump and frowns. 

"Hermann, you okay?" He calls and then hears a gasp and the fast shuffle and thud of Hermann running. He looks up and sees Hermann standing in the doorway holding Newt's arm.

"What are you doing out of bed? Are you okay, why didn't you call?" Hermann asks but Newt shrugs him off and continues to shuffle toward Mend shaking the tablet in his hand in front of him.

"I found the emails from Griggson. When were you going to tell me?" Newt spits, glaring at Mend, eyes fierce.

"I was going to wait until you were better!" Mend says, panic widening his eyes as he holds his hands up in defence and Newt closes in on him. "I didn't think you needed the extra stress. _I_ didn't need the extra stress!"

"So you were just going to, what? Keep me in the dark?" Newt says pushing weakly at Mend's shoulder and making him stumble back.

"I kept _me_ in the dark!" Mend says, backing away. "I didn't- I couldn't read them. I- What do they say? Are we- Are the pigs going to be okay?"

"You didn't fucking read them?" Newt says, stopping in his tracks before turning and tossing the tablet on the table in ire. "Fucking hell, man. It's been _weeks_. No wonder Griggson's going out of his mind. The pigs are fine. _We_ will be fine when we-"

"No. We're not- We- I'm not letting them do anything to you until you're _better_. They can just fucking _wait_ to find out which of us is- I'm not going to let them," Mend says, blinking rapidly against the pricking in his eyes and the tightness in his throat.

"You avoidant asshole," Newt says scrubbing a hand over his face. He stares at Mend for a while and then waves an impatient arm. "Come here. Just... Fuck, man." 

Newt pulls Mend in close, waiting until both of Mends arms are around him before releasing his grip on the cane.

"It's not going to change anything," Mend says, burying his face in Newt's neck. "I don't want it to change anything."

"I can't predict the future, dude," Newt says, resting heavily against Mend and holding him tight. "I don't know what's going to happen. I don't want anything to change, either."

"Everything's going to change," Mend says into Newt's chest. 

"Maybe," Newt mumbles burying his face in Mend's neck.

"I can feel you shaking, man," Mend says, straightening and shaking his head. "We gotta get you back to bed." He adjusts his arm to give Newt more stability but Newt pushes him away.

"I'm gonna sit on the couch for a while," he says, reaching for his cane and taking a step toward the alcove. "I got myself down here, I'll take myself back when I'm ready."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Hermann says, looking pale and slightly shaken as he stands a respectable distance away from them.

"Nah, this is all... _clone_ stuff. It's not something you can do anything about," Newt looks over his shoulder as he shuffles away and notices Hermann's hand tight on his cane and the way he nods distantly, muttering _yes, of course, I should have known_ and turns back to the board. "Come sit with me," he says, jerking his head toward the alcove.

"I have work to do," Hermann says stiffly, picking up a piece of chalk and staring at the board intently.

"Just for five minutes," Newt persists. "You can set a timer."

Hermann sets the chalk down with a quiet huff and follows Newt into the alcove, leaving Mend wiping at his eyes and turning back to the rats.

Lowering himself down to the couch, he pats the cushion beside him until Hermann sits, holding himself rigid. "Relax, man," Newt says, putting his arm around Hermann and pulling him against his side. "It's getting easier to see when something's wrong. I think I've still got some of Mend zipping around inside me, making me all 'aware' and stuff. Or I'm growing as people."

Hermann snorts, relaxing into the embrace and looking at Newt affectionately. "That's unlikely."

"Jerk," Newt says and looks over to where Mend is focussing intently on the rat cages, muttering under his breath. "So, I know you want to do something to help but, the fuck of it all is that... there's literally _nothing_. I wish we didn't have to do this; it would be _so_ much easier if we could just _not_ find out. Being Schröedinger's Clone is anxiety inducing, sure, but I don't think it's got anything on what's going to happen after." Newt takes Hermann's hand and squeezes it tight. "No matter what we _want_ to happen, this is going to turn into a shitstorm. An _epic_ one. Everything's going to be super fucked up; you know how we get. We don't think we just _do_."

"You are prone to thoughtless action," Hermann says, a frown marring his brow. "Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because you're going to be in the middle of it all." Newt kisses Hermann's cheek, and looks at him almost regretfully. "I don't know who it's going to suck worse for: us or you. I... I want you to be, sort of, the eye in the storm, but..."

"I will try to be your calm," Hermann says, wrapping Newt's hand in both of his. "Both of you. Whatever you need of me."

"You are so fucking _sweet_ , man." Newt pulls Hermann to him, pressing his lips against his shoulder and holding him tight. "You don't deserve being saddled with all our shit."

"I'm not being _saddled_ with anything; I'm no beast of burden," Hermann says, pulling back and looking at Newt with a stern glare. "I am here because I _want_ to be. You would do well to remember that."

"I try to, man," Newt says, sliding back and resting his head on the back of the couch. He looks up at Hermann wistfully. "So much shit has happened recently that sometimes it's hard to see that, maybe, you don't just feel... obligated to stay."

"Newton," Hermann says seriously, looking him straight in the eye. "I have been _obligated_ to share this lab with you for years and I have _not_ done so silently. If our private relationship was solely sexual, perhaps your care would feel an obligation." He strokes the back of his fingers down Newt's cheek, seriousness fading into a sort of helplessness that Newt can't quite put a name to. "I worry about you. Both of you. Your wellbeing matters to me; it matters that I can contribute to it."

Newt ducks his head; he can feel a blush heating his cheeks and he tries to hide it by avoiding Hermann's eyes. He's never really had a relationship built on friendship before. He's had friendships that turned into relationships, but the friend part always seemed to melt away. Maybe he just needed someone stubborn and cranky who didn't take any of his shit.

"Thanks, man," Newt says, still avoiding Hermann's gaze. "I, uh, I said I wouldn't keep you more than five minutes and that's probably it, right? So, uh, can you do me a favor?"

Hermann raises an eyebrow at him, eyes narrowing as though he doesn't trust Newt's sudden change in topic.

"Go tell Mend to bring the tablet over here?" He says, chancing a look up at Hermann's face. "And give him a hug. He won't tell you, but he needs it right now. Insider knowledge."

"Okay," Hermann says, giving Newt a look as if to imply that he was letting his strange behaviour slide and kisses him on the forehead. "We'll get you back to your room for lunch; no buts, I don't want you thinking you're _allowed_ to start work again."

"Don't worry, mom, I'll go back to my room." Newt gives Hermann's hand a squeeze as he goes.

Hermann shakes his head and walks away. Newt hears him talking to Mend a few seconds later, but when he tries to twist around to see, the shelves block his view.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to shazzaofdoom for taking over while my beta recovers from a fractured elbow.

He leans back and closes his eyes, trying to tell himself that the walk didn't take _that_ much out of him, but then the couch is shifting and he thinks he might have dozed off for a second or two.

"I got the tablet," Mend says, putting it on the table and looking over at him warily.

"Cool," Newt says, straightening and rubbing his eyes. "We gotta call Griggson."

"What? No, dude. One, you're still not _better_. Two, do you have any idea what _time_ it is there? He could be asle-"

"Dude, it's three hours difference," Newt says, cutting him off and waving a hand at the tablet. "And I'm not _sick_. I'm _recovering_. I can take a fucking call to hear about a fucking pig, alright?" 

"It's not just any fucking _pig_ ," Mend spits, grabbing the tablet and holding it away from Newt. "That pig is gonna fuck everything up. Griggson says it's fine? Great. Radiation doesn't bother the clone pig. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. How do we know it isn't going to fuck _us_ six ways to Sunday, huh? How do we know it's not going to fucking turn the clone into an unrecognizable pile of goo? We've seen The Thing - _both fucking versions_ \- how do we know that shit's not going to happen to _us_? I don't want your face sticking out of my side. I don't w-"

"Calm the fuck down, Mend!" Newt shouts, grabbing him by the shoulder and resisting the urge to slap him in the face. Barely. "You're freaking out. I get it already. We're just going to _talk_ to Griggson. It's not like I'm marching you down to medical and demanding we get zapped. I just want to know what the fuck's been going on. Okay?"

Mend glares at Newt for a moment longer before shoving the tablet at him and flopping back on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest and sneering into the distance.

"Well done. Be a child about it," Newt says, adjusting the tablet so it's the right way up and swiping it on. "Do you want to talk? Or should I just call Griggson by myself?"

"I want to talk," Mend grumps, pulling on Newt's arm until he's squished up against Mend. 

"Then quit being such a buttface," Newt says as he swipes through his contacts. "Seriously, man, you look like the back end of a cat." He sucks his cheeks in and makes little kissy noises at Mend until Mend puts a hand on his face and pushes him away. "Wait, no, keep making the cat-ass face. That way we can establish _me_ as the attractive twin. Make it all the time. Make it _forever_."

"Jerk," Mend says, trying not to smile. "Just make the call."

Newt hits dial and they spend the time waiting for the call to connect nudging each other in the side. When the chime sounds, Griggson appears, looking off the edge of the screen and the sound of keys being tapped fills the speakers.

"Was wondering when you'd finally fuckin' get back to m- _Jesus fucking Christ, mate_ ," Griggson says, closing his eyes and pressing a hand against his chest. "You could have warned me it'd be both of you."

"Dude, you've seen pictures. How is this any different?" Newt says, pulling a face as he looks towards Mend in confusion. "You've met me, so you've met him, or vice versa."

"Prove it," Griggson says, jaw jutting out as he stares down the lens.

"On our first shore leave from the academy, you drank so many Kaiju Vs. Jaeger Bombs, you projectile vomited electric blue against the side of the bar. They never got the stain out of the drywall," Mend says in a weary tone, looking at Griggson like he's an idiot.

"You forged Pollock's signature on it the next time we went there. They weren't impressed," Newt follows up, and raises an eyebrow at Griggson. "You happy with our credentials? You gonna tell us what the fuck is going on with the pig now?"

"This is too fuckin' creepy," Griggson says shaking his head. "I mean, cloned pigs? They oink; it's what pigs do. All pigs oink alike. They oink at the same time? Fuck it, it's two pigs oinking. You two? Two of you? Two of _you_? Fuck, mate. How's your labmate, what's his face, Herbert, dealing with it?"

" _Hermann_ is dealing with it just fine," Newt says, nudging Mend in the side when he snorts. "Look, are you going to act like an adult scientist passing on relevant information to other adult scientists or should we just hang up and call Quan?"

"You and him? And me? Adult scientists? Yeah, nah, that's not gonna happen," Griggson snorts and looks at them with a considering eye. "So, everything's the same? Even down to the..." He whistles and makes a gesture towards his lap.

"Oh my god, _yes_." Newt throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Everyone who's seen me naked has seen him naked. Everyone who's slept with me has slept with him. My dick is his dick. It is all exactly the fucking same. Except for the giant scar on my side, which is the only thing stopping us from finding out _who_ is the clone. That, and you being a withholding dickbag."

"Testy, testy," Griggson mutters as he starts shuffling things around on his desk.

"Those are the same, too," Mend snarks, making an impatient wind-up motion with his hand.

Griggson snorts and finally gets his hands on the relevant information. "Y'know, if you'd answered my emails first time 'round, all this would still've been on the top of the pile."

"Sorry for having a medical emergency, man," Mend says bitterly.

"Yeah, I would have gotten back to you sooner, but, hey: _coma_." Newt gives Griggson a pointed look. "Are you gonna fucking tell us, or just let us keep sniping at you until we die of old age?"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist," Griggson says and straightens and looks at the tablet. "Okay, so, there's not really much to say. It didn't affect the pigs' visibly - externally they're still the same two pigs. No dermal issues, no follicular loss. Vision didn't deteriorate, mobility wasn't impaired. After three weeks had passed, we x-rayed them again to see if there had been any obvious internal changes, there weren't. At least, not that we could see on the x-ray. There were no tumours, no dark patches. They did get a touch of the runs both times, but we were unable to determine if that was caused by exposure to radiation. We'd have to x-ray them again to see if it's a trend and not a coincidence, but we're going to hold off on that for another three weeks."

"Okay, nothing but a bit of shit," Mend says, looking out of the corner of his eye at Newt. "He's covered for that. But, seriously, there's nothing else wrong with the pigs?"

"The clone's been getting a little slower on the cognitive tests, but nothing debilitating. Fairly similar to your rats, from what I can tell from the report you posted ages ago," Griggson says with a shrug.

"I've still been collecting data, I just haven't had time to analyze it and break it down yet," Mend says, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Yeah, you've had shit on your plate, I know," Griggson says and looks at Newt. "How's that going? You don't look too bad considering."

"I'm wearing sweatpants and bunny slippers in the lab. It's awesome." Newt shrugs. "I can only eat half a cup of food at a time or it feels like I'm John Hurt in Alien, it took me 15 minutes to walk from my room to the lab, and Mend and Hermann think I'm going to break if I'm upright for more than twelve seconds. Super fun."

"Why doesn't it surprise me that you own a pair of bunny slippers?"

"Yeah, fixate on that part," Newt rolls his eyes. "So, bottom line: nothing happened to the pigs, nothing's probably going to happen to us?"

"With a sample base of two? Yeah, that's totally good science," Griggson says, dropping the tablet to the table. "Look, you know I can't give you definites. Based on the pigs, yeah, you should be fine. But you've got alien crap running through your system and we just can't be sure what's going to happen."

"So... bottom line: pigs are fine, we're still fucked?" Mend says in a tentative tone. 

"Pretty much situation normal." Griggson shrugs. "Look, I know you're probably shitscared right now, but you've got a way of coming through things smelling like- well, like something the cat dragged in most of the time, but the point is that you land on your feet. You got covered in an alien substance and now there's two of you; that could've gone down a whole lot differently. Horrible differently, y'know?"

"Our luck's gotta run out sometime, man," Newt says, shifting uncomfortably.

"Listen, we gotta talk this shit through," Mend cuts in, reaching towards the screen. "I'll get on the write-up this afternoon and send everything sometime in the next few days, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, take your time," Griggson says with a nod. "Take care, man... men... uh, guys."

Newt snorts, murmuring _later_ as Mend disconnects the call and drops the tablet to the coffee table. He watches as Mend flops against the back of the couch and scrubs his hands over his face.

"So, uh. We can do it whenever," he says leaning back slowly head rolling to the side to look at Mend.

Mend looks at him from between his fingers. "Whenever you're _better_." 

"Who decides that, huh?" Newt says relaxing back to stare at the ceiling. "I'm out of the hospital; am I better? I get the stitches out; am I better? I get the stoma removed: am I better? I recover from _that_ surgery; am I better? Which is it, man?"

"Do I fuckin' look like Katz?" Mend huffs, dropping his hands to the couch and glaring up at the ceiling in frustration. "It took you fifteen fucking minutes to get here from the room, man. You're not fucking _better_."

"I feel so much better than I did last week," Newt points out and Mend turns the glare on him.

"You had _brain damage_ last week, of course you feel fucking better," Mend says, giving Newt a look of disgust. "You want to find an excuse to get it done sooner? Fine, fuck you, we'll go right now. Come on, get up. Let's go fucking change _everything_." Mend jumps up and grabs Newt's arm to try and pull him up.

"Fuck you, man, sit down." Newt curls his fingers into Mend's sleeve and tugs him back down, pulling him flush against his side. "I want... a timeline. I want to know when this shit is going to go down. I want... I want to know..."

"How much time we've got left."

"We're not going to be me and you after," Newt says in a quiet tone, fiddling with the button on Mend's cuff. "I know why you're worried. I just... I don't want to think about it."

"That's why I was putting it off," Mend says, resting his head on Newt's shoulder. "I want us to be _us_ for as long as we can."

"I won't bring it up with Katz when she comes this afternoon," Newt says resting his head against Mends. "We'll just... ignore it. Put it off until after the stoma's removed. It could be weeks."

"Yeah?" Mend looks up at Newt, hope playing in the wideness of his eyes.

"Yeah. And then there's the recovery from _that_ operation," Newt says and presses a kiss to Mend's temple. "We can be _us_ for a long time yet."

Mend rests his head against Newt's shoulder again, wrapping an arm around him and snuggling in. "It feels so dumb. We didn't even want there to _be_ an us in the beginning, and now..."

"Somewhere along the way I started to like you," Newt says, hugging him close. "Started to like me, too."

"It's kinda nice having a sounding board that sounds back," Mend says, looking up at him with a smile that tells him he gets what Newt's saying. "We should get you back to the room. You're looking tired and Katz will kill me if she finds you in here." He pushes away and sits up, waiting for Newt to grumble and grab his cane before letting him use his shoulder to stand.

He offers his arm, keeping Newt's slow pace as they make their way out of the alcove toward the door. 

"Hey, Hermann," he calls when they're halfway there. "I'm taking Newt back. You wanna do lunch in about half an hour?"

Hermann looks over with a blank stare, chalk still poised in mid-air. "Yes," he says, absently and turns back to the board. "I'll see..." He trails off as he starts writing again and Mend and Newt exchange a fond smile.

"Like a fish in water," Newt murmurs as they leave.

"It's good to see him working again. I think all that math was just bubbling up inside him while we were vigiling," Mend says, focussing on not going to fast. "Good thing his clothes are so baggy, probably would have burst the seams with all the numbers boiling out."

Newt huffs a laugh, but doesn't respond. 

When Mend looks over, there are beads of perspiration at Newt's temples and he's gripping the cane extra tight.

"Shit, are you okay? Do you want a break?" Mend grabs Newt's elbow and stops.

Newt shakes his head. "I just... need a nap. Lot of walking today," he says with a tired smile. "If I didn't think you'd rip something, I'd get you to carry me."

"Fuck, wish I hadn't taken that chair back," Mend says and moves closer to Newt. "You're okay, though, right? I mean, you're not going to just, kind of, pass out or anything?"

"I'm fine... just, shaky," Newt says and lets out a slow breath before continuing forward. "All the walking I've done in the past three days and then some has been crammed into the past hour." 

It takes some manoeuvring - Newt leaning heavy against Mend the rest of the way - but eventually Newt is lying on their bed, face pressed into the pillow and snoring like a chainsaw.

Mend covers him with a hoody and puts a glass of water beside the bed with his pills. He scrawls a note - _call when you wake up_ \- and props it up on the phone before sneaking out and closing the door quietly behind. 

When he gets back to the lab, Hermann's still entranced by the equation on the chalkboard. 

Moving in behind him, he clears his throat and wraps his arms around Hermann's middle, resting his head on his shoulder.

"Lunch is going to be a little later than expected," he says, closing his eyes and listening the scratch of chalk.

Hermann makes a questioning sound and keeps writing.

"Newt's passed out, dead to the world. Probably won't be up for a few hours. All that activity wore him out."

Hermann makes a sound of agreement.

"You're not even listening to me, are you?"

Hermann gives one of the arms around his waist an absent pat. "Soup will be fine."

"Soup will be- God, you can't even hear me. All the blood's rushed to your giant mathboner." Mend buries his face between Hermann's shoulder blades and groans. "Fine. I'll go do work instead of hugging my hotass boyfriend."

Hermann makes an approving noise as Mend lets his arms slip from around Hermann and the _scritch-tap-tap-skree_ of the chalk continues.

Mend spends the next few hours writing up the report on the rats, but he's barely managed to get the graphs and charts done by the time the phone rings.

"'M 'wake. An' hungry," Newt says in a muzzy tone on the other end of the line.

"I'll go get your food and be right there," Mend says and hangs up without waiting for a response. "Hermann? Hey, Hermann. Lunchtime."

Hermann doesn't stop writing. He's halfway up the ladder, leaning precariously over the side and there's chalk dust smeared over his face and a tuft of hair sticking straight up at the back.

"Hermann?" Mend tries again as he makes his way to the bottom of the ladder. "You can keep working - you're in the zone, I get it - I just need to know what to get Newt for lunch."

Hermann's muttering under his breath and frowning at the board as symbols flow from the end of the chalk.

Mend considers throwing a duster at him, but he doesn't actually want to fuck with Hermann when he's on a roll. He sighs and begins to climb the ladder until he's a few rungs below him, pressed up against the back of his thighs, but close enough to reach his hand.

"Hermann," he says in a soft tone as he places his hand over the back of Hermann's. 

Hermann frowns and tries to shake Mend's hand off.

Mend tightens his grip. "You can go back to work in a minute, I just need to know what to get Newt for lunch."

Hermann blinks at him. "Mendelssohn? Why are you up my ladder?"

Mend lets go of Hermann's hand and slumps against him, looking up with a shake of his head. "You've been zoned for, like, two hours, man. Newt's awake and hungry; what's next on the menu for him?"

"Oh," Hermann says, looking back at the board. "Just let me finish this thought and I'll be right with you."

"Uh, I don't want to be _that_ asshole, but... could you just tell me now?" Mend says, patting Hermann's back and starting down the ladder. "You'll get caught up again and then I'll have to bug you again. You can keep going after; I'll drop your lunch off on the way through and you can eat it when you're ready."

Hermann looks at the equation with a wistful expression, gives a slow nod and starts down the ladder. "Open up the file titled 'Newton - Recovery Nutrition Program' on the cloud drive."

"I'd just have called it Newtrition," Mend says, looking over his shoulder with a smirk as he leans down at Hermann's computer. "Y'know, like Newt and -trition put togeth-"

"And then you'd never be able to _find_ it when you needed it," Hermann says with a shake of his head. He takes his cane and makes his way over to the computer, running a hand over the small of Mend's back as he waits for the document to open. "This is why _I_ am in charge of this aspect of his recovery."

"Yeah, yeah, you're the brains, I'm the brawn." Mend straightens and looks up at Hermann, smiling into the kiss Hermann presses to his lips.

"We make a good team," Hermann murmurs before breaking away and fishing a pen out of the cup and poising over the nearest notepad. "Read out the list for this afternoon."

"Okay, uhh... lunch - mashed potato, soup, steamed vegetables. Snacks - fruit cup times two," Mend says and looks over at Hermann. "You've got buttered mushrooms on for tomorrow. You should change that; he'll yak everywhere."

"I didn't know you had an allergy," Hermann says, face going slack with worry as he looks over at the spreadsheet. "Is there anythi-"

"It's not an allergy. Mushrooms are gross." Mend pulls a face. "They're all slimy when they're cooked and they feel weird, chewing them is weird. They taste like ass."

"Oh. I rather like mushrooms," Hermann says, leaning over to look at the spreadsheet. "Is there anything else on here that's wrong? I've been given this task but there's so much I don't know. Maybe you should have been the one to monitor his diet; there's so much I don't know because I'm not one of you. You're much better equipped to know what he is and isn't going to-"

"Hermann, stop. You're doing fine," Mend says, sliding a hand under Hermann's arm to rub soothing circles on his back. "Two of me in this relationship is _more_ than enough. We don't need another me; we don't _want_ another me. The fact that there's stuff you don't know is good; means there's a captive audience when we have stories to tell."

"You should still look this over and tell me if there's anything else problematic on there," Hermann says, gesturing at the screen with emphasis. "I was so focused on helping him heal that I didn't take into account what he _likes_."

"Seriously, this is so not a problem. I don't like mushrooms, that's it. You've seen all the crap I'll shovel into my face, it's _fine_ that you didn't know about the mushrooms. Fruit cups make me a little gassy, but that's _so_ not a problem for him right now, he'll love it," Mend says, turning Hermann away from the screen and wrapping his arms around him tight. "You are the perfect person for this, and you're doing a good job. Okay?"

"Am I doing _enough_?" Hermann asks, shoulders slumping as he hugs Mend back. "A person who was actually _invested_ in the well-being of another wouldn't let themselves get so caught up in their work. You said I 'zoned' for hours; how am I supposed to take care of his needs if you can't even get my attention?"

"Fuck you, dude, no. This isn't- This is so dumb," Mend says with a frown. "It's not a _choice_ between Newt and your work. It's not a choice between _us_ and your work. We've got this whole relationship dealio going, but your work is _so_ important that it could be the thing that means we get to _keep_ having a relationship dealio. Plus, you're totally adorable when you zone. You told me 'soup will be fine' when I asked if you were listening to me, earlier. It's like you were popping the cutest little mathboner."

"It's not _little_ ," Hermann says with a huff.

"Oh, no, of course not. Your mathboner is _huge_ ," Mend says, laughing when Hermann pokes him in the side. "Your mathboner towers above all of us. Your mathboner eclipses _the sun_. Your mathboner-"

Whatever he was about to say is lost to laughter as Hermann digs his fingers into Mend's sides, catching him and bracing him against the desk when he curls into himself. Mend looks up at Hermann, breathless and smiling and brushes his nose against Hermann's cheek. 

"You gonna use your giant mathboner tonight, hmm?" Mend asks, dragging his lips over Hermann's, soft and fleeting. 

"Tease," Hermann murmurs, chasing Mend as he pulls away.

"You betcha," Mend says with a smirk as he grabs the list off the desk behind him. "Reptar wants food." He turns the tables on Hermann, pushing him up against the desk and sliding between his legs to kiss him slow and thorough before pulling away with a grin. "Tonight, we're gonna get lucky."

He flits out of the room before Hermann can respond and when he returns with food twenty minutes later, Hermann's staring up at the board with a glum expression.

"What happened to your mathboner?" Mend asks, setting a tray down on the table.

"It deflated," Hermann says with a sigh and walks back to his desk.

"You wanna come eat with me and Newt?"

"No." Hermann shakes his head and waves a hand. "It'll return, I just need to eat and think on it a while."

"Your loss," Mend shrugs and heads back to his room.

"Did you grow the food yourself? What took you so long?" Newt asks, tossing his tablet to the side and making grabby hands until he gets the tray.

"Hermann was totally zoned; had to get his attention before I could find out what you're allowed to have." Mend sets his own tray on the table and points at Newt's. "Okay, you can have veggies, potato or soup now; pick two, the third will be a snack later. There's also two fruit cups for later as well. Graze your little heart out, man."

"I just want food in my face hole. All the food. In my face hole. Now," Newt says, grabbing a fork and digging into the mashed potato.

"Not too much," Mend says as he pulls a laptop over and flips it open with one hand while picking up a forkful with the other. "Don't want a repeat of yesterday."

"Dude, I ate breakfast without a problem. I'm over it," Newt says, shoving a spoonful into his mouth and chewing with exaggerated slowness.

"Prove it," Mend says and works through the file directory to get to the report he's working on. "We got a big night, tonight."

"You mean you're not going to back out again?" Newt asks, looking at Mend with an expression of disbelief.

"You weren't even up for it last night. Dude, you have no idea how happy me and Hermann were just to have you _home_. Didn't want to fuck that up." 

"You're getting soft, man," Newt says with a shake of his head.

"Sorry for being worried," Mend snipes, finger hitting the page down key with a little more force than necessary as he goes through the graphs and charts.

"Hey, no, don't do this man," Newt says, fork dropping to the tray with a clatter. "You were worried, I get it. You and Hermann freaked the fuck out and it's not that I don't care I just... Can you just stop _telling_ me you were worried? What, am I- Seriously, am I supposed to feel guilty for getting hit in a freak sheet metal accident? What even- What do you want me to say? _I'm sorry_?"

"Fuck you, no, I just-... I don't know. You're being really fucking blasé about all of this," Mend says watching as the graphs go out of focus. "You say shit and... and you just don't _think_ about all the shit we went through to get you here. It's a fucking _miracle_ you're here at all."

"I _know_ , okay? I know you and Hermann had a rough time while I was in a fucking coma. I know you're still freaked out. I know you think I'm going to fucking up and _die_ at a moment's notice just to spite you. But I can't _do_ anything about it. I'm here, okay? I have no intention of going anywhere so stop- stop treating me like _glass_."

"It's been _a day_ since you left the hospital, asshole. We stop treating you like glass now and you're going to get it in your head that you're fine and you're going to get yourself hurt. _I know you_. You're going to get what you're given and you're _not_ going to tell Hermann to stop. You're going to walk on fucking eggshells around him, you hear me? Do _not_ fucking bring this shit up with Hermann." 

Newt holds his hands up in defence, staring at Mend wide-eyed. "Dude, I want you to stop treating me like an invalid, okay? It's not like I'm going to issue an ultimatum and kick him out if you don't."

"How many times do I have to keep saying this shit? Hermann's fucking _fragile_. Besides, you _are_ an invalid." Mend dumps his fork on the tray in irritation and pulls the laptop closer, adjusting his glasses and trying to focus.

"Why are you always trying to keep shit from Hermann? Shouldn't we just have it out like normal?" Newt asks, sounding confused and frustrated. He digs a spoon into the mashed potatoes, pulls a face and shoves it in his mouth.

"I'm trying to keep us _together_. It's like you want to go poking at a hornet's nest. Just don't stress him out with this shit," Mend says and he's staring at a graph and trying to make sense of it, but nothing's coming.

"Oh, fuck me," Newt says and there's a clatter and when Mend looks up, Newt's shoving his tray on the side table. "Come here."

"What? No. Eat your damn lunch, man."

"No. _Come here_." Newt thumps the bed beside him and waves him over.

Mend groans and sits on the bed, looking at Newt expectantly.

" _Here_ ," Newt grabs Mend's arm and pulls him until he's lying down, tucked in the hollow of Newt's arm. " _You_ are the one who's stressing yourself out about this, you big dummy. Hermann's not going to leave us for something this asinine."

"You can't be sure," Mend says, pulling back to look Newt in the eye. "He freaks out over the littlest things."

"You freak out over the littlest things. And then you blow everything out of proportion. He's not leaving us any time soon, 'kay?" Newt pulls Mend back down and kisses the side of his head. "We had a little talk earlier. He _wants_ to be with us. If he's freaking out, it's because he thinks he's not doing enough to take care of me. You've got to stop stressing, man."

"What if he thinks there's not enough for him? What if he decides that we're doing fine on our own and just... goes? What if we're _too_ much? What if-"

"Mend, chill. _Chill_ ," Newt says and he's pulling Mend to him and hugging him tight. "It's weird, y'know? It's like... It's not about everything else. It's not about how much there is or isn't going on with us. It's not about what we can do for him. He actually likes... us."

"You don't think he's going to leave us?" Mend asks, voice muffled in the folds of Newt's sweatshirt.

"I really don't," Newt says, loosening his grip as he smiles down at Mend. "What brought on this freak out, anyway?"

Mend drops his head to Newt's shoulder, not answering until Newt nudges him a few times in the side. "I told him we don't like mushroom. Then he decided that _I_ should have been put in charge of your diet because I know what you'd want to eat."

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard." Newt rests his cheek on Mend's head and sighs. "That's all him, man. He's working shit out and we've kind of left him hanging."

"What? No, I haven't." Mend's head shoots up. "I've been there for him. I've talked him down. I'm supporting him and I'm supporting you and _I'm trying to keep us all together_."

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Newt rubs a hand up and down Mend's arm as he thinks. "I've got you and you've got me and Hermann's got us, but... he doesn't really _talk_ to us. Not about shit like this. We gotta talk to him more, man. The whole 'don _‘_ t _tell Hermann about_ this' shtick has to go. We're breaking the rules."

"I just don't want him to get fed up with us," Mend says in a small voice, picking at Newt's sweatshirt. "I'm trying to make it _easy_ for him."

"None of this is easy. But it's going to get real hard real quick if we keep shutting him out." Newt gives Mend a light jostle. "We're gonna talk to him when he gets back."

"When did you get so keen on talking?"

"When it directly benefits _me_ ," Newt says and blows a raspberry on Mend's forehead. "Hermann'll be less fragile, you'll be less antsy... Seriously, dude, you suck at being a control freak. Doesn't suit you."

"Leave it to Hermann?" Mend asks in a weary tone, lifting his head to look up at Newt.

"Leave it to Hermann," Newt agrees and points at the laptop. "Show me what you're working on."

Mend opens his mouth to object, but Newt raises an eyebrow and Mend relents. He shuffles off the end of the bed and grabs the laptop, flopping back to hold it at an angle that Newt can see.

"It's like I've been saying - there's been a downward trend and then it all evened out. I just can't figure out _why_. Nothing changed," Mend says, scrolling through to show the graphs.

"No one was in the lab as much; that's a difference," Newt says and pushes himself up the bed to grab his tray and keep eating. "Sound did play a role in the initial transformation."

"But I've been spending more time in the lab and there's no change," Mend says with a frown and settles the computer on his knees.

"Make a note of it and see if the decline starts again over the next week," Newt says around a mouthful of mashed potatoes. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and looks off into space for a moment. "It could have been an adjustment period. Maybe it took a while for the silicon construct to sort of settle in to its new function. The decline could have been it working out its limits; no copy can be perfect."

"But neither of us have shown any decline; we're still functioning," Mend says tugging on his bottom lip as he thinks.

"Well, I've been in a coma, and you've been dealing with stress and trauma and all sorts of psychological mumbo jumbo. We've both been a little off, either one of those things could have masked a decline," Newt says, poking at his food in a desultory way.

"Maybe," Mend says with a shrug and opens a report template. "Whatever. Help me analyze this shit so Griggson gets off my back." Leaning against Newt he rests his head on his shoulder and settles in. "When we're done, I'll help you shower."

"You trying to tell me something?" 

"You're getting a bit ripe." Mend presses his cheek against Newt's shoulder lightly. "We'll fix it. I hate writing these things; how do I even start?"

"Fill in the details on the form and go from there," Newt says and continues eating. "You're typing, it's easier. I'll go over it when you're done and find the typos."

Mend grumbles and tabs to the details, filling in their names and the date and all that other crap that's trivial but easy. They work through the afternoon, Newt dictating when Mend gets stuck and filling in the blanks when he can't find the right words. At three, there's a knock on the door. Mend shoves everything aside to answer it.

"Yo," Katz says holding a medical kit and looking past Mend into the room. "You ready for me?"

"Sure, sure, come in." Mend steps aside and lets her through, gesturing to the desk for her to set up.

"How's it feel to be home?" She asks Newt, pulling over a chair to sit by the bed. "Regulating your food intake better?"

"Yeah, it's good," Newt says, pushing himself to sit up a little higher. "Hermann changed things up a little - smaller portions, more often. Haven't had any problems since."

"We're making sure he eats a little slower, too," Mend says, sitting on the end of the bed and closing the laptop. 

Newt pokes his tongue out at him.

"Okay, so, no nausea? Tightness? Unusual pain?" Katz asks, pulling on a pair of gloves as she gestures for Newt to lift his sweatshirt.

"Nope, no, and no. Sometimes I forget it's supposed to be painful until I move, but I can't tell if that's because it's healing, or if the drugs are just working really well." Newt rolls on his side to lift the sweatshirt up, moving it carefully over the colostomy bag until his side is exposed.

"Probably a little of both," Katz says, running her fingers lightly over the area around the stitches. "Okay, let me know if any of this hurts." She presses lightly on his abdomen, watching his face.

He winces a little as she gets closer to the stitches and she pauses.

"It's not _bad_ ," he says with a shrug. "It's just not _fun_."

She purses her lips and examines the stitches themselves. "You ready to have these out?"

"Uh, yeah. If they can come out. Have they been in long enough?" Newt looks between Katz's face and the stitches, uncertainty widening his eyes.

"It's been more than two weeks and everything's looking good; the skin's knit together nicely and doesn't need the extra support now," Katz says and looks into her medkit. "I can leave them for a few days longer if you want."

"Nono," Newt says reaching out as though she's going to walk out of the room and leave him hanging. "I want- I want them out."

"There's, um... There's no danger of it splitting open, is there?" Mend asks, staring at Newt's stomach with a worried frown.

"There's, like, a zero point zero zero one percent chance of that happening. It'd be a freak occurrence," Katz says, digging around in her medkit for a few things and laying them out beside Newt. When she looks up, she sees the expression on Mend's face and waves him over. "Come here. See this?" She gently prises the stitches apart so Mend can see in between. "It was a relatively clean cut, so lining everything up in surgery was much easier. There's scabbing in places, but some of it has already fallen off and you can see the pink, shiny skin where everything's healed. That's what I've been looking for." She rips open an alcohol swab and wipes it gently over teethe area. "Abdominal stitches would normally only be left on for seven-ten days, but we left everything for a bit longer because of the severity of the trauma and your unusual biological status. You'll still have to be careful, but you should be okay to finish healing on your own."

"You can take them out here, right?" Newt asks, pulling his sweatshirt up higher so he can see the stitches. "I don't have to go back?"

"I can do it here. Can I get started?" Katz looks at Newt expectantly and laughs when his eyes nearly bug out of his head and gives an emphatic nod.

"Do it, do it," He says, waving his hand until Mend takes it and he squeezes it tight.

"Okay, just gotta clean the area a little more. When I start, you'll fell some light tugging. It shouldn't hurt - might feel a little strange - but let me know if it does." Katz sets to work, cleaning up the area before taking a pair of forceps and lifting the first stitch and slicing it with a scalpel. She pulls it out slowly, looking between the stitch coming out of Newt's skin and his face. "All good?"

"Yeah. Feels weird, but keep going." Newt says and squeezes Mend's hand again, relaxing back on the bed to stare at the ceiling as Katz continues.

It takes a while, but eventually Katz is setting aside the forceps and the scalpel and ripping open a new alcohol swab and wiping the healing wound down. "All done. How's it feel?"

"Not a whole lot different," Newt says with a frown, moving his torso from side to side to check. "Mend? How's it look?"

Mend leans in and looks close. "We're going to have to talk to Fang, see how ink goes on scar tissue," he says as he sits up. "At least it's mostly lined up."

"I'm sure the nurse who closed had more important things on her mind than whether or not your tattoos would look good," Katz says with a roll of her eyes as she bundles everything into a bag and seals it before putting everything away in her medkit.

"I didn't mean it was _bad_ ," Mend says quickly. "I meant it could have been a whole lot worse. But, like I said, we can see if Fang can fix it up."

"It doesn't look gross?" Newt asks, worrying his lower lip between his teeth as he looks at Mend.

"It looks... like you had a bad accident and you're recovering," Mend says, giving Newt's thigh a squeeze. "It's gonna make a _great_ story one day. In the future. The _far_ future."

"Let me just check the stoma and I'll be out of your hair," Katz says and gestures for Newt to let her see the bag.

He sighs and lifts his shirt, untangling the bag from the folds and setting it out so she can see.

"It's looking a little red. Is it itchy?" She asks and pulls out another swab to wipe around it with care. 

"No, not really," Newt shrugs, lips curling as he looks at the half-filled bag.

"If it does start to itch, let me know. Have you bathed yet?"

"It's on the list for this afternoon." Mend cuts in giving Newt a reassuring look.

"Okay, just make sure to keep this _clean_. If you don't feel up to showering every day, just gently wipe around it so it doesn't get infected." She scrunches the wipe up and shoves it in the bag with the rest of the trash. "It's only temporary, so it's not going to heal the same way as the other wound, but it can still become a problem if you don't take care of it."

"I know." Newt sighs. "Can I cover it up again?"

"Yeah, I'm done," Katz says with a sympathetic expression. "I know, it looks gross and it's gotta suck to have to see it every day, but if everything goes well, it should only be another few weeks before it's gone again."

"I could shit in a baggie and carry it around with me, if it'd make you feel better," Mend says with an innocent look. "Call it an act of solidarity." He holds up a fist and Newt flips him off.

"Only a few weeks?" Newt asks Katz. "How will you know?"

"Okay, so, we never really got into the nitty-gritty details of what went on in your abdomen during surgery," Katz says and then spreads her hand along the length of the scar. "Okay, so the sheet metal sliced you down the side cutting through sections of your large intestine and liver. What we did was remove the severely damaged parts and sewed them back together so they made a continuous loop again. The section coming from your stomach was attached to the stoma and the colostomy bag, the other section was anchored to your abdominal wall. What we're doing now is waiting for your intestines to heal so that we can reconnect the two parts. Now, given that we can't actually do any imaging to see how that's going, what we're doing is waiting until the internal sutures dissolve to give you as much time as possible to recover. That should be about sixty days, but you've got three weeks off for good behavior."

"So, a week and a month? That's what you're saying?" Newt asks, resisting the urge to grab Mend's hand for comfort.

"About that, yeah," Katz says waving her hand in a fifty-fifty gesture. "It's not exact because... well, you know the reasons. But that's why it's so important that you check in with us and let us know what's going on with you. Seriously, dude, don't just dismiss it if you feel any unusual pain or discomfort. We need to know. We _want_ to know."

"And I promise to tell you if it feels unusual," Newt says pushing himself to sit up so he can pull his sweatshirt down completely. "Right now it just feels... like a new normal."

"Yeah, that's gotta suck," Katz says, flipping the medkit closed and locking it up. "The painkillers are still working, though? It's not overwhelming?"

"Nah, it's good." Newt shrugs. "I nap, I wake up in pain, I take the drugs, the pain goes away."

"Good to hear," she says and stands. "I'm all done for today, but I'll be back tomorrow, probably around the same time. I wanna get you started on some light exercise so your ass doesn't atrophy."

"Awesome." Newt says not sounding particularly enthused.

"Later, dudes." Katz pulls the door open and steps out, closing it behind her.

Mend looks at Newt, raising a questioning eyebrow. "You up for that shower now?"

"Yeah, help me up."

Mend holds out an arm and Newt uses it to pull himself into a sitting position. He braces himself as Newt grabs his cane and uses his shoulder to get up the rest of the way and then watches as he makes his way to the bathroom.

"You need a hand getting naked?" Mend asks and grabs something for Newt to change into before following.

"I can do the bottom half fine, but I'll probably need help with the sweater." Newt leans against the wall to pick at the drawstring on his pants.

"Okay, you do that and I'll help you with the top when you're ready," he says and starts clearing shampoo bottles and soap out of the bottom of the shower recess. 

"I'm going to have to shower with the bag on," Newt says, letting his pants fall to the ground and stepping out of them.

"We can work around the bag, bud," Mend says and throws Newt's sweats out into the main room. 

He takes Newt's glasses and waits as he settles the bag comfortably and works the sweater over top of it then helps him pull it off without raising his arms. 

When Newt's naked, he leans against the wall, closing his eyes and breathing in and out slowly as Mend starts the shower.

"We don't have a chair we can put in there, will the cane work?" Mend asks and Newt pulls a face.

"Then it'll be all wet when I get out," Newt says, using the wall for balance as he steps toward the shower. "Fuck it, strip off. You can get my back."

"You sure?" 

"Who else is gonna catch me if I fall?" Newt asks, blinking coquettishly until Mend pokes him in the shoulder.

Mend gives him the finger and toes his shoes off. "Be careful when you step in. The floor might be a little slippery."

"Yes, _mom_."

"Okay, you do _not_ wanna be showering with mom, dude. Don't even go there."

Newt snickers and then groans as he moves under the spray. " _Oh my god, hot water_. Sponge baths have nothing on this."

Mend smirks and strips off quickly and steps in behind Newt, closing the door after. Slipping an arm under Newt's and around his chest to steady him, he grabs a washcloth and holds it in front of Newt. "Soap me." 

Taking the soapy cloth, he wipes down Newt's back, smoothing it over the swirls of ink and being careful around his side.

Newt lets his head drop forward, humming with contentment as he lets himself be washed. "How come we never did sexy shower times before the accident?"

"Water rationing," Mend says, kissing Newt's shoulder before wiping the cloth over it.

"But we're literally saving water right now," Newt says, looking over his shoulder with a smirk.

"That'd stop the second we tried to get both of us to come before we got out," Mend says poking his tongue out.

"We should try it sometime," Newt says with a shrug, turning back towards the spray. "You, me and Hermann should take a weekend and go get a room somewhere. Somewhere with a tub big enough for all of us. Or one of those rooms that's all shower."

"Keep living the dream, buddy," Mend says with a smile and gives Newt a gentle push. "Turn around, rinse off."

Newt twists in his arms, giving him a dreamy smile as he leans against him. 

"Raise your arm a little, I'll get your pits," Mend says and is annoyed when Newt huffs and tenses.

"I thought I told you to stop treating me like glass," Newt says, pushing away from Mend.

Mend tightens his grip and gives Newt a disparaging look. "This is not how I would clean glass. I would put glass in the _autoclave_ and I'm pretty sure you like having skin, so I'm not gonna do that."

"Buttface," Newt says, lip curling up in a sneer. "I can _wash_ myself, man. You're literally just supposed to be here for stability."

"Yeah, and now I'm here to wash your stinky pits so me and Hermann can make sweet, sweet love to your stupid ass tonight."

" _Sweet, sweet love_?" Newt says, eyes widening with amused disbelief. "I thought my sweet, sweet ass was out of commission for the duration?"

"Okay, first of all, only one sweet on that ass - we're not Beyonce. Second? Isn't it enough that you're going to see some action tonight? Does your ass _have_ to be involved?" Mend asks, trying to push the washcloth up under Newt's arm.

"Stop it," Newt says, swatting at Mend. "Give me the cloth."

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this? It's just a shower," Mend says, sighing in frustration as Newt grabs it out of his hand.

"Because _I'm_ the one who knows how much I can _move_ in any direction," Newt says, stepping back so he can scrub under his pits. Both of his elbows are close to his body and, yeah, Mend would have wanted him to lift them higher.

"Sorry, man," Mend says, biting his lip as shame heats his neck.

Newt doesn't respond, just leans further back so he can keep washing his front while using Mend for support. He washes down his good side and gives his balls a quick once over before leaning his shoulder against Mend so he can use both hands. "Brace me for a minute, will you? I need both hands."

Mend wraps an arm around him to keep him steady while Newt carefully lifts the bag and washes the skin around the healing scar. Lowering it, he washes the rest of that side and then relaxes against Mend.

Mend curls his other arm around Newt and gives him a squeeze, pressing his lips to Newt's temple as they stand under the spray.

"You ready to get out?" Mend asks after a while and Newt nods and pushes the door open to step out. 

He grabs a towel off a hook and carefully pats his front dry while Mend turns the shower off and follows.

"The problem we've got, bud, is that we're both doers," he says grabbing his own towel and scrubbing off quickly. "Hermann's a thinker; he'll sit and ponder and work shit out from start to finish before he acts. You and me? We have to do things to figure shit out. I just- You want to _do_ things because you _can_ do things, and that's cool. But... I gotta _do_ things, too. And that's gonna piss you off."

"I know, man, I know," Newt says with a frown, letting the towel hang from his hand as he looks at Mend. "Just... let me do the things I _can_ do. You can fetch and carry and help me get my sweater on because I can't raise my stupid arms. But let _me_ do what I can. And stop telling me to eat slower. Oh my god, I _know_ what happens if I eat quickly, okay?"

"Deal," Mend says, wrapping his towel around his waist and watching Newt fidget with his.

"Can you, um, help me dry off?" Newt asks avoiding Mend's eyes. "I kinda... can't get my back."

Mend takes the towel and dries Newt off, rubbing over his back and, after raising a questioning eyebrow and receiving a sigh and a nod, proceeds to get his legs and feet. When he's done, he wraps the towel around Newt's shoulders and hugs him tight. "You wanna get dressed now or just hang out and be naked for a while?"

Newt shrugs. "Hermann'll probably be coming back soon..."

"I know you're sensitive about it but, trust me, Hermann doesn't give a shit about your shit."

Newt shrugs Mend off and leans against the wall. "Help me into my pants."

Mend helps Newt dress and they spend the rest of the afternoon working on the report and if Mend sits a little too close and presses kisses to Newt's hair, Newt doesn't mention it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is a long process. _Things_ start happening soon.


	8. Chapter 8

When Hermann gets there, it's nearly seven and Newt's stomach's beginning to rumble.

"Finally manage to rub out your mathboner?" Mend asks, looking over the laptop screen with a smirk.

"In a manner of speaking," Hermann says taking off his coat and sitting at the desk to take off his shoes.

"You bring the dinner list?" 

"It's in my pocket," Hermann says, pushing his shoes off with a groan and wiggling his toes.

"Sweet, gimme a sec and I'll go grab it," Mend says, saving the document and setting the laptop aside so he can wiggle off the end of the bed.

"Before you go..." Newt cuts in, giving Mend a meaningful look. "Hermann, can you come over here?" Newt waves a hand as Hermann narrows his eyes and moves warily to sit beside Newt on the bed. 

"What is it?" Hermann asks, glancing between Newt and Mend.

"We've sort of been keeping some things from you," Newt says, grabbing Hermann's hand when he stiffens. "It's nothing _bad_. It's just... communication and transparency and shit." He waits for Hermann to relax a little, though he doesn't stop looking suspicious, before continuing. "So, the thing is, I know you guys want to take care of me and stuff, and you're doing a _great_ job, don't get me wrong, I just... Can you stop treating me like glass? I'm not gonna break any more than I already am. I _know_ I should eat slower and I _know_ I gotta wait between meals. There's nobody more invested in that shit than me; it's my gut, remember?" 

Hermann nods, suspicion giving way to a confused frown. "That seems reasonable. Why all the... drama?"

"Mend's been telling me not to tell you," Newt says and looks over at Mend. "You want to tell him why?"

Mend looks at the ground, fidgeting with the button on his jeans.

"Mendelssohn?" Hermann asks in a gentle tone, turning to look at him.

"I wanted... I wanted to make it easy for you," Mend mumbles.

"Make what easy for me? Easy how?" Hermann asks, blinking as his confusion grows.

" _This. Us_. I didn't want you to stress out any more than you already are." Mend hunches in on himself, still avoiding eye contact.

"Tell him why, Mend," Newt says in a soft tone and Mend huffs, throwing a glare in his direction.

"Because... because if it gets too hard... you're gonna go. And I want you to stay. This is the first time that I've..." He looks up and meets Hermann's gaze with tentative eyes. "I'm trying. I'm putting in effort because I want you to _stay_."

"Oh, Mendelssohn," Hermann says, pinching the bridge of his nose before patting the bed beside him and holding his arm out. He waits until Mend sits beside him, and wraps an arm around him, pulling him close. "How long was your longest relationship?"

"I thought we didn't talk about previous relationships. That's one of the rules. You said-"

"I don't want _intimate details_ ," Hermann says in a gentle tone. "I want overarching _facts_."

"Um... Six months?" Mend says, biting his lip.

"And how many of those months were you present for?" Hermann prompts.

"...Two."

"You've never really had a serious commitment, have you?" Hermann asks, and there's no judgement in his tone.

"Have you _met_ me?" Mend says, turning to sniping as he hunches in on himself and glares past Hermann's head.

"I'm poking at your soft spots, I know," Hermann says, pressing a kiss to the side of Mend's head and rubbing his arm in comfort. "I do not wish to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate, but there's so much for you to learn." He turns to look at Newt and holds out a hand. "You need to hear this, too, Newton." 

Newt shuffles up the bed and Hermann moves down, pulling Mend with him so he can see them both clearly. 

"We've cared for each other for a long time. I may not have shown it - perhaps even made it seem the opposite at times - but it was there." He raises a hand and brushes his fingers through Mend's hair and squeezes Newt's hand, giving each of them an encouraging smile. "That's not going to go away because things get difficult; they've been difficult since the beginning, in case you hadn't noticed. Now is the time when we can strengthen our bonds. We've been through so much and we're still standing. I'm glad you told me, both of you, and I'm not upset. Do you know why?"

Mend shrugs and Newt stares at Hermann curiously.

" _Because_ you told me," Hermann says, jostling Mend's shoulder. "That's how we get stronger. That's how we put the kibosh on our insecurities. I know you're worried, and given what I've seen of your relationships thus far, you've every right to be. Ah, ah, I'm not judging. You're trying now, and that can make all the difference."

"I don't know how people do this all the time," Mend mumbles, slouching against Hermann grumpily. "If I can't try and keep things together, how am I supposed to make you stay?"

Hermann shakes his head, sighing as he taps Mend's cheek. "You can't _make_ me stay, Mend. That's the thing. You can't _make_ anyone stay. But you can make me _want_ to stay, and you're already doing that."

"I'm never going to get any of this," Mend says, resting his head on Hermann's shoulder in defeat.

"Just keep talking to me and you won't need to," Hermann says, dropping a kiss to Mend's crown.

"Newt, tell him he's doing a good job with the diet thing," Mend says, turning his head and obviously attempting to change the subject.

"I still can't believe you're getting your panties in a bunch over this," Newt says, squeezing Hermann's hand tight and holding it to his chest. "You're awesome, Hermann. And you're doing an awesome job."

"You told him about the mushrooms?" Hermann asks, looking down at Mend.

"Well, yeah," Mend shrugs. "It's why we're having this whole conversation. You stress out over things and then I stress out that everything's getting too stressful for you and then Newt gets all 'I've got rights, treat me like a human being' and everything gets even _more stressful_."

"Dude, we have the exact same voice, you don't have to pretend to mimic me like that. I _do not_ sound like that," Newt says, pointing a stern finger at Mend.

"How am I supposed to get the whiny nuance across if I don't?" Mend asks, blinking innocently.

"There's no nuance, you're just _being mean_ to an _invalid_. We need a divan so I can throw myself on it dramatically."

"You don't even know what a divan is. I know you don't because _I_ don't. And what happened to all the 'I'm not an invalid! I can take care of myself'? Huh?"

"What have I said about not arguing over me?" Hermann cuts in, holding a hand up as though to physically stop their sniping.

"Neither of us are using you as a pillow right now," Mend says, poking his tongue out at Hermann with a twinkle in his eye. "Gotta be careful with those clauses, man."

"You're incorrigible; the pair of you," Hermann says with a shake of his head and then pats Mend's side. "What say we have dinner, and then a nice relaxing evening, hmm?"

"Is that a hint for me to go get us food?" Mend asks, pushing himself to stand and looking around for his shoes.

"I can go if you want a break from it," Hermann says, rising to follow.

"No, no, it's cool," Mend says, patting Hermann on the side affectionately. "This is one of the things I'm _allowed_ to do." 

"Allowed?" Hermann asks in confusion as he watches Mend pull on his socks.

"Okay, maybe 'allowed' is the wrong word," Mend says, waving a hand at Newt's indignant squawk. "It's one of the things he _can't_ do for himself, so it's okay for me to do it. We worked it out so we don't get pissy at each other."

"Well, as long as you're getting along?" Hermann says with a frown, looking between Mend and Newt like he's missing something.

"He tried to wash my pits. There's a lot of things I can't do right now, but I can wash my fucking pits," Newt says with a shrug.

"You showered together?"

"We don't have a chair we could put in there and Newt didn't want to get his cane wet," Mend says, doing up his shoes.

"Would you like me to bring mine over?" Hermann asks. "It's more of a stool, but it's still useful."

"That would be fuckin' _awesome_ , man," Newt says, face lighting up.

"Yeah." Mend shrugs in a non-committal way and stands up. "You got that list?"

Hermann gives him an odd look and passes a piece of paper to him. Mend pockets it and slips out the door.

When he gets back twenty minutes later, Newt and Hermann are lying on the bed together.

"Oh, thank heavens you're back," Hermann says looking fond and exasperated. "Newt is telling me the _entire plot_ of the film we're to watch tonight."

"I can guarantee you he's left out some things," Mend says as he sets their food on the desk. 

"But even so, knowing as much as I do, what is the point of watching it?" Hermann asks, edging off the bed and taking a tray.

"Dude, we've seen this one at least twelve times, it's _always_ worth watching," Mend says, taking Newt's food over to him.

" _Exactly_ ," Newt says, grabbing the tray and digging in before continuing with his mouth full. "I swear, I haven't done it justice."

Hermann makes a noise of disbelief, rolls his eyes and starts his meal.

Two hours later, dinner is finished and Newt and Mend are curled up on either side of Hermann, staring down at the computer on his lap. Hermann's jaw is hanging open as he stares at the credits rolling up the screen.

"Told you I didn't do it justice," Newt smirks and Hermann can only stare at him wide-eyed.

"That was _ridiculous_ ," Hermann says, caught somewhere between awed and aghast.

"I _know_ , wasn't it _great_?" Mend says, bouncing as he takes the laptop and sets it on the desk. He flops back down grinning up at Hermann, watching as he closes his eyes and lets out a long-suffering sigh.

"I'm assuming that you've set the laptop aside to give me a respite from your monster movies?" Hermann raises an eyebrow and Mend shrugs innocently.

"Well, y'know, that... and it's been more than an hour since Newt ate..." Mend looks over at Newt who rubs his hands together.

"Time for the scheduled sex," he says and looks at Hermann in consideration. "Y'know, with how regimented we've had to be with everything, are you going to set up a sex spreadsheet? Monday night: blowjob, two handjobs, sleep. Tuesday: coitus. Wednesd-"

"Watch yourself or I will," Hermann says, scrunching his nose up at Newt. "Just because it's _regimented_ doesn't mean it can't be spontaneous."

"Uh, that's exactly what regimented means, dude," Newt says, looking at Hermann blankly.

"Does it now?" Hermann rolls on his side, sliding a hand low over Newt's belly to rub his thigh as he leans down and kisses him softly.

Newt lets out a sound of approval and wraps his arms around Hermann's neck, pulling him down and holding him close. His hands roam over Hermann's back and Mend watches them make-out, a small smile playing on his lips, until Newt reaches out, feeling around until Mend takes his hand.

"Mend, get over here," he says, breathless as he breaks away from Hermann's mouth. 

Mend pulls himself up until he's draped over Hermann's back looking down at Newt. "What is it, bud?"

"We're about to have Welcome Back Sex over here. Don't want you sitting over there thinking you're not wanted," Newt says, tugging Mend's arm to try and get him close enough to kiss.

"For the record," Mend says, holding himself back and looking between Newt and Hermann with a serious expression. "I was watching the two of you making out and being _glad_ that we could have that again."

" _Nooo_ ," Newt whines, poking Mend hard in the shoulder. "Don't bring up the 'nearly died' thing right _now_. Come down here and kiss me and remember the whole _so alive_ thing."

"Dude, I'm happy, I'm _really_ fucking happy, oka-" 

Newt cuts Mend off by pulling him down and kissing him senseless, pushing his fingers up into Mend's hair and scraping his nails lightly against the scalp. He gasps into Mend's mouth and pulls away and when Mend frantically checks where his hands are he sees Hermann cupping Newt through his sweats and massaging his growing bulge.

"Feeling a little left out, were we?" Mend says with a grin as he turns his head to look at Hermann. 

"Just joining in on the festivities," Hermann says, stretching up to kiss Mend.

"Jesus, Hermann," Newt pants, fingers digging into Mend's back. "This is going to be over real fucking soon if you keep that up."

Hermann breaks away from Mend and looks at Newt, eyebrows raised. "Just from that?"

"To be fair, a month is the longest we've gone without touching our dick since we were twelve," Mend says, smirking as he untangles himself and scoots down the bed. "I'm not surprised he's got a hair trigger." He hooks his fingers into Newt's sweats and starts to pull them down at an agonisingly slow pace. "Want me to blow you?"

"Then it'll _definitely_ be over," Newt says, lifting his hips to help Mend get his pants down.

"It's _definitely_ not going to be the last time we have sex." Mend grins and pulls Newt's sweats over his feet and pushes his legs apart to settle in between. He strokes his fingers up and down Newt's inner thighs as he waits for a response.

Newt bites his lip and looks at Hermann before giving an emphatic nod. "Yeah, yeah, suck it, suck me," Newt says in a rush and looks back at Mend, waving his hand toward his dick.

"Hermann, keep his face end busy," Mend says, hearing only a murmured _my pleasure_ as he braces himself over Newt and sucks him in.

There's a gasp and muffled sounds of pleasure as Mend wraps his hand around the base of Newt's cock and pulls up. Looking up, over the low swell of Newt's belly, he sees Hermann being true to his word and kissing Newt senseless. He closes his eyes and with a satisfied hum focusses on the feeling of him in his mouth, heavy and salty on his tongue. 

Losing himself in the act, he tries not to think about how long it's been since he's done this, or the fact that there'd been a time when he thought he mightn't get to do it again. He sucks and strokes and pulls, gripping Newt's hip to push him further back into his throat, and before he knows it, Newt's tapping him on the side of the head and muttering a breathless _I'm gonna_ before he comes into Mend's mouth.

Mend pulls off and crawls up the bed, carefully slotting himself on Newt's other side as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "You weren't joking about being a hair-trigger right now, were you?" 

"Shut... shut up, man," Newt breathes and Mend laughs and kisses him, sloppy and wet.

He hears Hermann whimper and when he looks over, sees Newt's hand down the front of Hermann's pants, pace slackening to a lethargic halt.

"Need a hand with that?" Mend asks and, without waiting for an answer, leans across and sticks his hand in with Newt's, wrapping his fingers around Newt's lax ones and speeding things up. Hermann groans, muttering _fuck, yes, harder, **harder**_ as he buries his face in Newt's neck and thrusts into their grip.

It doesn't take long for him to follow, spurting up their wrists and going lax against them with a happy sigh. He kisses Newt's neck as he comes back to himself, soft and languid as he reaches up to pull Mend down.

"I've missed this," he murmurs into Mend's lips before relaxing back against the bed, lips dragging up in a soft smile. "I've missed _us_."

"I think we've all missed us," Mend says, looking down at Newt who's blinking slowly up at him. "I'm legit saying it wasn't as good without you, man."

"'course it wasn't," Newt says, reaching up and patting Mend's face with the tips of his fingers. "I've got magical, sexual powers."

"Sure you do, buddy," Mend says, nose scrunching up as he reaches behind him for the box of tissues so he can wipe Hermann's come off Newt's hand and his own face. " _Or_ , maybe we're all just better together. Y'feel me?"

"Not _yet_ ," Hermann says with a leer, reaching over to grab Mend's shoulder and tug him closer. "Get over here."

Mend yelps and pushes himself up quickly, holding himself over Newt on all fours so he doesn't accidentally squish anything. He's staring at Newt wide-eyed, opening his mouth to see if Newt's okay, but all he's able to do is makes a strangled noise as Newt pulls him down and kisses him. 

Newt pushes him to the side, into the space between him and Hermann, and rolls to follow.

Hermann's hand slides over his stomach and rubs the half-hard bulge in the front of his pants and Newt's hand soon follows. He kisses his neck, murmuring sexy nothings into his skin as his fingers work the button on his trousers and slide the zip down.

There's an awkward moment when they try to push his pants and boxers down but both refuse to stop kissing him and Mend has to try and coordinate his limbs while being bombarded with sensation. They get them down to mid-thigh and abandon the endeavour, Hermann's fingers wrapping around his cock and squeezing as Newt rucks up his shirt and drags his fingers up his side.

He moans as Hermann kisses down his neck, skipping over the bunched up cloth to drag his teeth over a nipple and start a steady pace. He's mumbling encouragement into Newt's mouth and breaks away so he can watch Hermann working his way down Mend's abdomen and Newt's nosing at his cheek, sucking lazy kisses along his jaw.

"If I could bend, I would so be down there with him," Newt murmurs. 

Mend twists his arm to cup the back of Newt's head and draw him back to his mouth. "Who'd be up here kissing me if you did that?" He asks and then groans as Hermann licks the head of his dick, swirling his tongue around it before sucking him in.

Mend loses all ability to coherently verbalise as he gets lost in the sensation; Hermann sucking and jacking him with the perfect rhythm and Newt swallowing down all the meaningless syllables, as he sucks and nips at Mend's lips.

It's over too soon, it feels like forever since his dick's been anywhere other than his pants, but the warmth of Hermann's mouth drags it out of him and he shoots into Hermann's mouth with a muffled cry.

Hermann sucks him through it and when he rises up and lies back beside him, Mend can only stare at him and babble.

"Oh god, jesus fuck. That was- You're so- I- I-" He pulls Hermann down and kisses him without finesse or style, holding him close until Hermann pulls away with a puff of breathless laughter.

"I'm glad I could oblige you," he says with a smile and kisses him softly before resting his head on his shoulder.

"Now I'm _really_ home," Newt says, laying his head on the other side.

Mend snorts and takes one of their hands in each of his, threading their fingers together he gives a squeeze and lays them on his chest. "Not a single one of us is naked."

"Just makes it feel more authentic," Newt says and blows a raspberry on his shoulder.

"Because what this relationship is lacking is _authenticity_ ," Hermann says with a quiet huff of laughter and Mend feels Newt stiffen against his side.

Mend tightens his grip on Newt's hand and draws it up to his lips, kissing his fingers softly, before turning his head and kissing his crown. Newt relaxes slightly, but Mend knows that tension's going to remain until they know for sure.

After they clean up and are getting ready to settle in for the night, Mend pulls Newt to him while Hermann's in the bathroom. He hugs him tight and silent, and Newt hugs back, both of them knowing exactly what the problem is and taking comfort instead of starting that argument again.

The next morning, Newt's grumpy and restless as Hermann and Mend get ready to leave after breakfast.

"Seriously, just give me a tablet with all the research on it and I'll keep myself busy. It's just _reading_. The only way I'm going to hurt myself is if I drop the tablet on my face," Newt says, rolling on his side so he doesn't have to crane his neck to watch them.

"That's a great way to convince me, dude. Do the words 'Head Trauma' mean anything to you?" Mend says, poking Newt in the knee as he sits to put his shoes back on.

"Ugh, fine. I'll lock the screen and lie on my side. Let me _do something_. I'm _bored_. Give me _printouts_. What am I going to do? Get a paper cut and die?"

"Sepsis was a very real problem during surgery," Hermann says as he passes on his way to the bathroom. 

Newt stares at him, jaw dropping with betrayal. " _Judas_ ," he hisses.

"I'm just stating a fact," Hermann says over his shoulder as he closes the door behind him.

"It's true, man, and you know it," Mend says, looking over his shoulder at Newt as he ties up a shoelace. "When your intestines are damaged all that bacteria flooding the system can-"

"I'm not going to fucking _die_ from a fucking _paper cut_." Newt cuts Mend off, falling back to the pillow, face a picture of annoyance. "Seriously, just give me something to do or I'll be calling you every ten minutes demanding ridiculous things."

"You won't get them," Mend says, stomping his foot into his other sneaker.

"It won't matter; it'll eventually piss you off."

"I'll stop answering my phone."

"I'll call Katz and tell her you've abandoned me."

"And I'll tell _her_ you're trying to go back to work."

"Then I'll call Tendo and get him to go down to the lab and harass you until you give in."

"Good luck with that, man. He's way too busy."

"But he's _not_ too busy to call you up and sing to you. I'll get him to do his nineties repertoire. I know you _love_ Britney sooo much. _Especially_ when he does his falsetto."

Mend stops, head turning slowly as he looks over his shoulder at Newt. "You wouldn't." 

"I _would_. And you just know Tendo's going to love every second of it."

"You are such an asshole." Mend shakes his head and stands. "Fine. I'll get you a tablet, but it's not going to have intranet access and you only get what I put on there. Deal?"

"Deal. I don't care what it is, I just need something to occupy my brain or it's going to liquefy," Newt says, slumping back against the bed with a pout.

"I'm beginning to understand why Dad used to borrow so many textbooks from the library when we were sick," Mend says and Newt throws a pillow at him. "Face it, in retrospect it's obvious that we drove him nuts."

"It's not my fault we were bored," Newt says, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I'm not saying it is," Mend says, rolling his eyes as he tosses the pillow back onto the bed. "I seriously hope you get less grumpy as you get better. You were so much nicer when you were just grateful to be out of hospital."

"Fuck you, man. All I've seen in the past three days is this room, the bathroom, and the twenty minutes I spent in the lab. I might as well be in the brig."

"You would never survive the brig. They don't let you watch movies in there."

"Shut up, you know what I mean." 

"Yeah, I do. I'll bring you back a tablet soon." Mend says as he stands and leaves the room, waving over his shoulder as he closes the door.

He spends the morning working on a tablet for Newt, sorting through their research for things he thinks won't get him too worked up and disabling its wireless capabilities. He has Hermann pick a passcode and ends up with a string of eighteen seemingly random letters, numbers and symbols that Hermann assures him has meaning but that he wouldn't be able to crack in a million years.

Newt hugs the shit out of him when he delivers it, grabbing his face and kissing Mend to the point where he kind of wants to climb back into bed and just make out for a few hours. That idea is thwarted the second Newt pushes him away and grabs the tablet to start leafing through the documents.

"Just the Taurax stuff? Really?" Newt says, adjusting his glasses as he drags his eyes away from the screen to look at Mend.

"You get what I give you, that was the rule," Mend says, feeling a little breathless as he straightens. "We've been over this shit enough that it'll get you a little frustrated at worst, but we still need to figure it out. I can always take the tablet back and load up Godzilla vs. Gigan.

"No! It's cool. I'll take it," Newt says, clutching the tablet to his chest. "Anything new since the accident?"

"Spent most of it vigiling. Tried to focus, y'know, read stuff and try and make sense of it, but it wasn't really happening." Mend shrugs. "Maybe you'll find something."

"Maybe," Newt says and swipes through some documents. "How's the milking machine coming?"

"Uh..." Mend looks toward the door, rubbing a hand over his neck. "It's kind of... not. I haven't even looked at it since the day it happened."

"Why not? What have you even been doing down there since you went back?"

"Running the rats through the maze, checking things, doing inventory, there's a lot of things we've neglected," Mend says edgily, avoiding Newt's eye.

"And you decided inventory was more important than the milking machine because...?" Newt's eyes narrow in confusion.

Mend huffs and turns away, trying to work out how to even _begin_ to explain. "Because... because the day after it happened, Raoul sent down a perfect, undamaged piece of sheet metal. It was... It was just there. No note, nothing. I put it all under a tarp in the corner. And I haven't been able to touch it since."

"Sounds rough," Newt says and raises an eyebrow. "So you've done nothing in a month?"

"Wow." Mend stops and looks straight ahead, a million little moments flashing through his mind. "That's it. That's the- Fuck. That's the reason we could never get anyone to stay." He rounds and fixes Newt with a glare, waving a hand to indicate all of Newt. "You're so caught up in your own shit that you don't even see. Yeah, you know Hermann and I went through some shit; yeah, you want us to stop telling you, but dude, it was more than fucking _rough_. The day after you nearly died, a thing we'd been negotiating for - the same kind of thing that nearly _killed you_ \- turned up on our doorstep, almost like an apology. Yeah, it was _rough_ and _no_ I'm not going to get over it any time soon."

"It was just a question," Newt says warily. "I just wanted to know-"

"You just didn't want to deal with anyone else's emotions," Mend spits. "You think Hermann's going to stay if we pull this shit with him? The fact that he even does the whole emotional thing with us is, like, _huge_. One day, you're going to pull some shit like this with him and he's just going to go 'no, fuck it, I'm out'."

"Didn't we just have the talk about you stressing out about Hermann leaving? I thought we agreed that you'd stop trying to manipulate everything," Newt says, pointing an accusing finger in Mend's direction.

"I'm not trying to manipulate anything; I'm trying to get a point through your stupid, thick skull." Mend grinds out. "We've got to start thinking about what the fuck we're saying because shit like 'so you've done nothing in a month' sounds fucking _callous_."

"What? I wasn't-"

" _I_ know you weren't, but then, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt." Mend scrubs his hands through his hair and huffs, heading for the door before it can turn into a full-blown argument. "Look, you've always been an asshole, I know that, I've been there, but we've got to start _thinking_ before we say shit. Seriously, dude, we're thirty-two, this shit really should have sunk in by now."

"Well it clearly _hasn't_ ," Newt says with a huff, directing his gaze to the tablet and swiping it open in a swift, aggravated motion.

"Yeah, because we didn't give a shit before. Now? We've got a pretty good reason," Mend says, opening the door and looking back at Newt. "Just... think about it. Call me if you need anything."

The rest of the week passes mostly uneventfully. Katz starts Newt on light exercise and by the fourth day, he's demanding more.

Mend exits the bathroom to see Newt backed up against the wall beside Hermann.

"Don't push yourself. Just lean into it and if it starts to hurt, stop," Hermann says, watching Newt carefully as he leans forward. "You probably won't feel any difference for a few days, but the more you do it the better you'll feel."

"Getting your stretch on, huh?" Mend asks with a smirk, flopping down on the bed to watch.

"You try lying in bed all day for weeks and see if you don't jump at the chance to do something," Newt says, grimacing as he leans forward.

"Stop pushing," Hermann cuts in, putting a hand on Newt's chest to push him back. "Small increments."

"You okay this with Katz?" Mend asks, glancing at Hermann.

"Dude, Katz wanted me doing light exercise days ago and apparently just walking wasn't cutting it," Newt says, closing his eyes and pushing out a lungful as he straightens.

"It does wonders for the flexibility," Hermann says, casting a sidelong look at Mend. "Perhaps you should consider joining us."

Mend snorts. "I'm good. You two can have all the flexible sex and I'll just watch and jack off, 'kay?"

Hermann shakes his head. "Incorrigible."

"Okay, I'm over this whole 'being vertical' thing," Newt says and walks back to the bed with exaggerated care. "Time for more horizontal."

"Any plans for the day?" Mend asks, shifting to lie beside Newt and brush a hand through his hair.

"Unless you plan on giving me intranet access it's going to be more of the same - trawling through the Taurax data to find _something_ ," Newt grumps, turning his head so Mend's fingernails scrape across his scalp lightly. "There's something there I'm just not getting. Why does Taurax's roar effect it? What about the music? Why _that_ music? Why does it show up under UV? Is their planet a giant rave 24/7?"

"You'll figure it out," Mend says, dropping a kiss to the top of Newt's head and pushing himself up to find his shoes.

"What do you think Kaiju dubstep sounds like? Or- Oh! Do the Kaiju beatbox? Is that a thing?" 

"You need _lips_ to beatbox," Hermann interjects, straightening and making his way to the bathroom.

"What do you know about beatboxing?" Mend asks, brow raised quizzically.

"I have hidden depths." Hermann gives a lofty smile and slides the door closed behind him.

"What the hell does that mean?" Mend asks, looking at Newt as he ties up his shoelaces.

"The man has hidden depths," Newt says with a shrug. "So, I'm going to start coming back into the lab again. Not today, but in a day or two. I'll just sit on the couch and work, or whatever."

"How about you focus on getting better," Mend says, turning to face Newt.

"How about _you_ focus on this ceiling for twelve hours a day? Or these walls? Or, shit, I'm not asking to _work_ -work - even though you know I _really_ want to - I just- I'm gonna lose it if I spend too long cooped up in here. You know _you_ would."

Mend bites his lip before sighing and giving a conciliatory nod. "True. How about I bring you down for lunch tomorrow, and you can work your way up to spending more time there?"

"Ah, sweet compromise. We're growing as people." Newt grins and catches Mend's hand when he swats at him, dropping a quick kiss to the back before letting it go. 

"Smooth," Mend says and leans in to drop a kiss to Newt's lips. "I'm gonna head in; do you need anything before I go?"

"Nothing Hermann can't handle," Newt says and picks up his tablet.

"If Hermann handles anything, take pictures." Mend winks and heads out the door.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting on the cusp of Australian Thursday because I Am Excite.

The next month passes by quicker than either of them can believe; Newt gets stronger and by the end of the week he's spending full days at the lab. After two, he abandons the cane, determined to get around under his own steam. He's still slower than Mend, but that doesn't stop him from trying to chase him around the lab.

As they draw closer to Newt's second operation, tensions rise. They refuse to talk about what will happen after, and both the sex and the silence become more desperate.

Newt's operation is uneventful, though Hermann could never convince Mend of that. The wait for Newt to wake up after felt interminable and the relief when he finally did, beyond profound.

His recovery goes more smoothly the second time around - Newt and Mend and Hermann all much more aware of their respective roles and boundaries. By the time Newt gets his stitches out, they're on a much more even keel.

Surprisingly, it's Newt who brings up the x-ray to Katz. There's no preamble, just Newt straight out telling her they need their heads x-rayed and to hold the jokes.

She's smart enough to know when to hold her tongue.

She has them meet her in an examination room the next day.

"This is all need to know, you hear me?" Newt says, giving a stern look to Katz as he follows her into the room. "I don't give a shit if I don't have the kind of clearance to demand it - the only people who get to know the truth are me, Mend, Hermann, you, and the Marshall. Nobody else."

"I don't care what strings you have to pull to make sure the techs don't know, but you're gonna pull 'em. We're not becoming shatterdome gossip fuel," Mend follows up, closing the door behind him and stepping forward until his shoulder's pressed close to Newt's in solidarity.

"I thought something like this might happen," Katz says, with a nod. "We're gonna do it blind. I'm gonna give you a number and that's the number you're going to give to the radiologist when you go in. They won't get any other information about who's getting zapped. When we get the x-rays back, I'll be the only one who knows for sure until I tell you. Sound good?"

Newt and Mend exchange a look, relaxing the tiniest amount but barely enough to be noticeable, and nod. 

"Yeah, okay, that sounds... yeah," Newt says as Mend's hand creeps into his and squeezes.

"Change into the scrubs and I'll give you your numbers," Katz says and sits at the bench to fill in the forms.

They turn and strip, piling their clothes onto separate chairs and pulling the scrubs on quickly. When they're done, they turn around and see Katz watching them, holding two pieces of paper.

"Lift your shirts," she says and Mend narrows his eyes at her.

"You say that a lot for someone who's supposed to just be interested in our health," he says, pulling his shirt up.

"Just want to make sure these numbers are going to the right people," she says, looking at their stomachs and then handing one of the pieces of paper to Newt. "Okay, follow me. Mend, wait here; this shouldn't take very long."

Newt claps his hand on Mend's shoulder and grips it tight. "See you on the flip side," he says, lips twisting in a pained facsimile of a supportive smile.

"Don't go melting," Mend says as Newt heads out and regrets it the second the door closes. 

He spends the next twenty minutes with his stomach roiling, imagining Newt dissolving into a radioactive puddle because they just _had_ to fucking know.

When Katz leads Newt back in, he can't stop himself from wrapping him in a hug and holding on. 

"The second I said it, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Jesus, fuck, I'm so glad you're not a puddle of radioactive goo, man." Mend buries his face in Newt's neck, ignoring the way Katz coughs and focusing on the fact that Newt's still solid.

"There's still time," Newt says in a tone aiming for humorous but missing by a mile.

"One down," Katz says in a gentle tone, putting her hand on the door and giving Mend a sympathetic look.

Newt squeezes him tight and places his hands on his shoulders, distancing himself as he gives Mend a gentle push toward the door. "Only a matter of time now," he says and lets his arms drop, shuffling away and watching Mend go.

Mend turns and follows Katz into the hall, a feeling of dread settling in the pit of his stomach that no amount of internal pep talks can quash. They reach the door to x-ray and Katz hands him a piece of paper.

"Go get 'em, twenty-two," she says, giving him a half-smile as she opens the door to enter the operators room.

Mend steps inside and a technician takes his piece of paper while asking if he's wearing any jewellery or has any metal implants. He swallows and shakes his head, too nervous and anxious to even talk at this point.

He's led to a table and told to lie down and then a lead apron's being laid over his chest and the weight is at once comforting and terrifying.

The technician takes his glasses and positions the camera over his head and for the next fifteen minutes all he hears is Katz's voice over the intercom giving him instructions.

When it's done, the technician gives him back his glasses and Katz leads him back to the room. The second he steps in, Newt's jumping up and hugging him so tight he can barely breathe.

"You said it and I started thinking it and _fuck_ , that was the worst twenty minutes of my life." Newt babbles in his ear and Mend has to take a moment just to breathe; after seeing that Newt was okay, the thought that _he_ might dissolve hadn't even entered his mind.

"I'll leave you two alone," Katz says quietly. "I'll be back when the films are ready." She slips out the door and Newt pulls Mend over to the bed, refusing to let go until they're lying down, face to face. 

"This is the last time we get this," Newt says in a soft voice, cupping Mend's cheek, fingers stroking over stubble.

"No, it's not," Mend says, tightening his hold on Newt.

"This is the last time as _equals_ ," Newt says eyes misting. "After Katz comes back through that door, one of us is the _clone._ One of us isn't-"

"One of us has a _synthetic brain_. That's the only difference. Come on, we know what this means. It doesn't have to change anything," Mend says, shifting so his forehead's pressed against Newt's. "We're still gonna be _us_ , nobody else is going to know."

"That might be enough," Newt says, lips twisting down at the side.

"Only if we _let it_ ," Mend says, kissing Newt before he has a chance to counter. "Stop thinking about it. Just... just lie with me, hug me, and promise you're gonna try not to let it change anything. _We_ are not gonna let it change anything."

"The problem is," Newt says sadly, hand trailing down to Mend's chest and pressing against his heart, "we know what we're like. We don't really have any control over what we feel, or how deeply we feel it."

"Shut up," Mend says, trying not to sniffle. "Just... _shut up_." He buries his face in Newt's shoulder and can't work out if he's successfully managed to clear his mind, or if everything's going to fast that he can't make out any details.

It's another twenty minutes of heavy silence before there's a knock on the door and they untangle themselves and push to sit up. 

"Come in," Mend calls, wiping at his eyes as he pushes himself off the bed and watches as Katz walks in and heads straight to the lightbox on the wall.

"I'm gonna peel the bandaid quickly, that's what I'm gonna do," Katz says, sticking her fingers into the top of each envelope so the films slide out at the same time. "Unless... Do you want me to draw it out?" Katz looks over her shoulder and raises an eyebrow, waiting for Newt and Mend to make the call.

"Do it quick," Mend says, grabbing Newt's hand as he walks over to stand behind her.

"Get it over with," Newt agrees, squeezing Mend's hand hard.

Katz nods and sticks the films up on the lightbox and flicks it on. 

It's about what Mend expected after seeing the pigs x-rays - the one on the left is normal, he can see the dark and light spots that show an organic brain. The one on the right is lighter, the outline of where the brain should be is so faint he has to squint to see it.

Katz takes a deep breath and points to the one on the left. "Twenty-two," she says, and moves to the one on the right. "Thirty-six."

"It's me?" |   
---|---  
| "It's not me?"  
  
Mend's stomach jumps into his throat as he turns to look at Newt - he's gone pale and his hand is lax in Mend's.

"This doesn't change anything," Mend says, grabbing Newt by the shoulder to force him to look at him. "You're still Newt. Only Katz, Pentecost and Hermann are going to find out. You're still gonna be _you_."

"Right," Newt says as though on autopilot. "Yeah, that's... that's gonna... I..." Newt stops and stares at Mend and it's like he can see a sort of numbness setting in. "I gotta... walk. I'll catch up with you... later."

"Newt, wait-"

"I just gotta... work shit out," Newt says as he pulls away and walks to the door. He slips through and doesn't look back and it takes everything Mend has to not run after him.

"Are you okay?" Katz asks in a solemn tone as the door snicks shut.

"I... don't know?" Mend says, looking at her and feeling helpless. "I was prepared for- I thought it was going to be _me_. I thought- We've changed _so much_ but... but he was still New- He still _is_ Newt. I'm not... I'm not Newt any more... but I am?"

"Do you want me to set up an appointment with Dr. Liakos? Getting used to this is going to take work and you could both use the support," Katz says, laying a hand on his shoulder - he's pretty sure she means it as comfort, but he's feeling awkward in his skin and shrugs it off.

"Not him," he says with a shake of his head as he backs away. "Neither of us like - or _trust_ \- him. He's _creepy_. Can we see whoever the Jaeger pilots see?"

"I'll see if Dr. Assaf can fit you in. If not, we'll figure something out. You know you can talk to me, right?" Katz is looking at him sincerely and he knows she means well but there's nothing but science fiction to help him and Newt get through this.

"Yeah, I do... and I would but... You already know everything," he says with a shrug and walks over to his pile of clothes on the chair. "You know how fucked up this situation is and... there's nothing that can _fix_ it."

Katz nods slowly and flops down in the chair next to his while he changes. "Y'know, when I took this gig, I thought I was in an apocalypse movie. Monsters from the sea, humanity's last hope, and all that. Nothing prepared me for... _clones_. I mean, this doesn't even really fit with all the doppelgänger movies I've seen." She looks up at him and shakes her head. "It never once occurred to me that there might really be _no_ difference other than physical. There's always a good one and a bad one in the movies. You're both... just _you_."

"Try telling him that," Mend says as he pulls his jeans up one leg. "Try telling _me_ that. Ten minutes ago, if you'd taken me aside and asked me who the clone was, I would have said me, without a doubt. I mean, even now that we know? _Really_ know? It still feels like it should be me."

"I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, dude," Katz says with a twist of her lips. "I _want_ to help. Seriously, if you guys need anything, just let me know."

"Thanks. It means a lot. I'll let Newt know, too," Mend says, pulling his shirt over his head and tucking it in.

"You gonna go look for him now?"

"I want to. But... I know me. Right now? He's gotta walk," he says as he sits to pull his socks on. "Shit hits the fan and I've just gotta walk until I figure shit out."

"You're lucky, y'know?" Katz says with a sad smile. "You might feel alone right now - _Newt_ might feel alone right now - but you've both got someone who knows _exactly_ what you're going through. You're going to need each other."

"We already do," Mend says and pulls his shoes on. "The fuck of it all is... I don't know if I should tell Hermann, or wait until Newt gets back."

"You'll figure it out," Katz says and stands. "Something tells me Hermann's going to weasel it out of you."

"You calling Hermann weaselly?" Mend says slipping his tie around his neck and letting it hang.

"You go look up a picture of a weasel and tell me it's not apt," Katz says with a smirk.

"I'm telling him you said that," Mend says as he stands and looks around to see if he's forgotten anything.

"Good. Hey, come here," she says and she wraps her arms around him before he can protest. "We're hugging friends, now. We've _seen_ shit, man."

Mend wraps his arms around her and he can't remember the last time he was hugged by someone other than Newt or Hermann.

"What are you going to do with the x-rays?" He asks as he lets go and steps away.

"Usually, I'd just put them in your file, but I'm pretty sure you don't want them there, right?" Katz says, moving around the bed to take the films down off the lightbox.

"Uh, no. Can I... Can I take them? And can you tell Pentecost?" Mend asks in a rush, watching as Katz slides the x-rays back into the large envelope they came in.

"Yes, and yes. I have to debrief him anyway. You'll have to talk to him too, y'know," she says, handing the envelope over. "I'll try and convince him to keep this need to know; I think he'll see reason, but that man's juggling so many things, I can't promise anything."

"I know... I just... I don't want anyone to _know_. That's going to make shit so much harder for Newt," Mend says, fiddling with the envelope.

"I'll do what I can," she says and reaches out to squeeze his shoulder before packing up the rest of her things. "Call me if you or Newt start feeling strange over the next couple of days. Pigs can't talk, you can. And I'll want both of you in for full check-ups next week, okay? I'll email with a time."

"Right, sure," Mend says and heads out of the room.

The walk back to his quarters feels strange; nobody knows, but he feels like everyone's looking at him. He walks faster and keeps his head down, just the same.

When he's back in his room, he spends half an hour searching for the perfect place to hide the x-rays before settling on shoving them behind some boxes in the wardrobe and piling clothes up beside them. 

He checks his email, but can't focus, throwing the tablet aside with a groan. 

Newt's only been gone for an hour; there's no way he's got his head sorted in that time. Mend resolves to give him another two hours before he goes looking, and heads back to the lab.

The second he steps through the door, Hermann drops his chalk in the tray and hurries over to him.

"Were the results conclusive? Do you know?" Hermann asks, reaching out to touch Mend's shoulder.

"It's... Yeah, we know," Mend says, shifting away from Hermann's touch and closing the lab doors behind him. "I just- I don't know... I want to tell you, but he's not here and I don't want to talk about it behind his back."

"Ah," Hermann says, swallowing uncomfortably and turning to follow Mend across to his alcove. "It's... It's Newton, then? The clone?"

"He's not a _cl_ -" Mend stops short, turning to stare at Hermann. "You could tell? You _knew_? How long have you known? Why didn't you tell one of us? What did you thi-"

"Mendelssohn, stop, it was... I didn't _know_. I suspected," Hermann says, holding up a hand as he walks toward Mend. "The aphasia... I thought... I couldn't remember him hitting his head during the accident. He landed on _me_. I didn't think it was possible for his head trauma to have been that bad. I didn't say anything because I don't know the first _thing_ about neurology. Maybe... maybe there was a way it could have happened? The brain is so much more fragile than we like to think. Perhaps a soft knock could have- I didn't _know_ anything for certain."

"Oh." Mend looks down, picking at his thumbnail before he looks up with a tentative expression. "You couldn't-... There wasn't anything else? It was just that one thing? You couldn't tell before?"

"Before the accident... I couldn't tell you apart unless I already knew who was standing where," Hermann says, making an aborted move to reach out before taking his hand back and gripping the head of his cane tight. "Even now, you either have to be naked, or speak for a while sometimes, before I'm absolutely sure. Especially if I haven't seen what clothes you're wearing that day. I know that's a terrible thing to say; I cannot tell my significant others apart at a glance, but you're more similar than not, even as much as you both have grown and changed."

"Can you tell Newt that when he gets back? He _really_ needs to hear it," Mend says, slumping as he stares at Hermann, lips twisting with regret.

"Where is he?" Hermann asks, watching as Mend turns and waves his hand for Hermann to follow him into the alcove.

"He's... walking," Mend says, reaching into the rat cage to pull Tesla out and hold him to his chest. "He didn't take the news _badly_... but he didn't take it well. I think his head's a bit fucked up right now... In the Big News sense, not the... not the His Brain Is Synthetic sense. I just... Shit. I thought it was going to be _me_. Admit it, even without the aphasia thing, you thought it was going to be _me_."

"I didn't," Hermann says with a firm shake of his head. "I didn't think- You're both so very much... _you_ that I could never come to any _distinct_ conclusion. I actively _stopped_ thinking about it after Newt was cured. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to- to-... _choose sides_. I just wanted the three of us to be together... I wanted us to be happy."

"Do you... do you not want that now?" Mend asks, looking down at Tesla and scratching between his ears, avoiding seeing Hermann's expression.

"Of _course_ I want that now. I want it more than ever," Hermann says, giving up the distance and reaching out to stroke Mend's cheek. "I didn't mean to speak in the past tense, and I certainly didn't mean for it to not apply now. It doesn't matter to me which parts of either of you are made of what. The very essence of you - how you act, how you think, how you _laugh_ \- is in _here_." He places a finger lightly on the side of Mend's scalp and smiles at him. "And the same goes for him. It's all saved in there, reconfiguring itself daily as you both grow and change."

"Maybe don't say that last part to him," Mend says, looking up at Hermann, lips twisting. "He's not a back-up drive. He's... _Newt_."

"He is," Hermann agrees in a solemn tone. "May I?" Hermann holds an arm open, looking at Mend with an uncertain expression.

Mend nods and shuffles forward, leaning against Hermann and resting his head on his shoulder.

"In the beginning, we both wanted to know. We wanted proof that we were the legit one. But it's just not true anymore. There _isn't_ a legit Newt," Mend sighs as Hermann wraps his arms around him and kisses the top of his head.

"You're both legitimate," Hermann says, rubbing a hand over Mend's back. "I hope you've realised by now that I don't stay for the novelty - having a pair of identical significant others is not some... some _sideshow attraction_ for me. I care very deeply for the both of you, and I will do whatever it takes to help make this... ideological transition as painless as possible."

"That's a smooth way of putting it," Mend says, lips quirking up.

"Some say I have a facility with words," Hermann says with a ghost of a smile, hand stilling as it slips from his face. "Would it help if I spoke to him?"

Mend shakes his head, looking up at Hermann at a loss. "I don't think anything's going to help him right now. I mean, I could barely get my head around it when it was just a possibility for me. I was just sort of... numb. At some point I just kind of accepted it. All I wanted was to get everything I could before it all got taken away from me. I was sure everything was going to change. I don't know what he's thinking right now, but I do know that if we barge in and try to make things _right_ before he's got a handle on it... He's going to lose his shit."

"So we wait?" Hermann asks, expression wary and perturbed. "How long?"

"I was going to wait another couple of hours then track him down," Mend says, letting Tesla run up to sit on his shoulder when he starts wiggling. "Still not sure if I'm gonna try and be supportive, or just poke him until he yells and screams at me. Probably going to start with the support thing and then get frustrated into the poking thing. We could probably use a little shouting."

"At least you know what you need," Hermann says, tightening his arms around Mend. "Are you going to work while you wait?"

"Nah, I can't focus right now. Everything just keeps going back to 'I'm not the clone?'" Mend shrugs and slips out of Hermann's arms, reaching up to take hold of Tesla. "I was going to let his guy have some couch time and try to figure out what to say to Newt."

"Would you like some company?" Hermann asks, following Mend to the couch. "I wouldn't feel right returning to my own work before I know Newt's okay."

"I thought you didn't like the rats," Mend says, looking at Hermann in confusion.

"I... You've kept their area spotless and they've been much less bothersome than I initially anticipated." Hermann says, watching as Tesla sneezes then fastidiously cleans his face. "They have a certain... charm."

"You think he's cute," Mend says with a smile as he clears some things off the couch and sits down to let Tesla run about on the cushions.

"I wouldn't go that far," Hermann says as he joins them.

They sit and watch Tesla, giving him things to climb over and hide in, and if Mend checks the time every ten minutes, Hermann doesn't call him out on it.

After two hours and five minutes exactly has passed, Mend reluctantly picks up Tesla and puts him back in his cage.

"I guess I should probably go find Newt," he says with a shrug.

"You needn't pretend to be so nonchalant, Mendelssohn," Hermann says as he stands to follow. "I know you're worried about him. And rightly so." He clasps Mend's shoulder and leans in to press a kiss to the side of his head. "Call me if I can help; I will be there before you can breathe."

"I will," Mend says and heads out into the Shatterdome.

He checks all his usual haunts - the commissary, the balcony above the helipad, among others - and a few unusual ones as well - the laundry, three levels of residential corridors - before working up the nerve to go to the jaeger bay. Sticking close to the walls, he asks every engineer, tech and pilot he sees if they've seen him and tries not to flinch every time there's a loud noise. By the time he leaves, he's tense and no closer to having any idea where Newt is.

He checks his room to see if Newt's come back and the lab as well where Hermann shakes his head, worry set deep in the lines of his face. Mend tells him he's going to check a few other places and runs up to LOCCENT.

"When does your shift finish?" Mend asks as he rushes up to Tendo's station.

"Technically I was done an hour ago, but Betty's had a few glitches in her display emitters that I wanted to get cleaned up before the next attack," Tendo says, spinning around in his chair and looking up a Mend with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you were going to give me a little warning before beer and karaoke, man."

"It's not- We're not doing that tonight. It's-" Mend scrubs his hands through his hair and tries to figure out exactly how to phrase what he needs to say without giving anything away. "Some shit went down and I need to find Newt. It's seriously super important. Do you still have friends in security? I just need to work out where he is now."

"That serious, huh?" Tendo says, leaning back with a whistle. "It won't be free."

"Whatever they want, I'll get it. I'll try to get it. I'll... what do they want?" Mend says, back-pedalling as thoughts of black market items and large sums of money start flitting through his mind.

Tendo looks around and leans in close, voice dropping until even Mend has to strain to hear it. "You got any of that hydro left?"

"Uh, yeah, but it's totally not fresh. You know how long it's been since they shut all that down? It's been at the back of a drawer for, like, a year." 

"Dude, these guys will take it," Tendo says and jumps out of his chair and raps his hands on the back of his neighbour's chair. "Hey, Kim, I'm not done with Betty yet but I'll be back in about an hour to finish up. Make sure nobody touches her." Turning to Mend, he jerks his thumb over his shoulder. "Follow me."

Mend follows Tendo out of LOCCENT and through the halls, tension pricking at the back of his neck and making his stomach tight. 

"You guys have a fight or something?" Tendo asks as they walk down to Security.

"No, I've just... got some super important news for him. He doesn't have his phone on him," Mend says avoiding Tendo's eyes so he won't get caught out in a lie. "I've been looking for him for an hour already."

"When did you last see him?" 

"A little over four hours ago. He left Medical just after three."

"Sweet, so we have a starting point," Tendo says and stops outside the door to the Security office. "These guys will probably jump at the chance to do a little detective work."

"Great," Mend says as Tendo pushes the door open and sticks his head in.

"Heyo, boys. Got a little project; Cheng or Abrams around?" 

"In the feed room," a guard behind a desk says, nodding to one of the doors behind him.

Tendo jerks his head for Mend to follow and knocks on the door, waiting until it opens before speaking again. "Larry! Got a minute?"

"This should be good. What d'ya need, Choi?" An unimpressed soldier with Abrams embroidered on his chest says.

"Got a little project. Let me and Mend in for a minute. I think you'll like the terms," Tendo says with a knowing smile that broadens considerably when Abrams holds the door open further and lets them through. He shuts the door behind them and Tendo slaps his hands together, rubbing them as he grins at Abrams. "So, we've got a little missing person's case on our hands. Lost him about four hours ago, just need to figure out where he is now."

"What's in it for me?" Abrams asks as he sits back down in his chair and gives Tendo a weary look, as though he's been at the backfiring end of a few of Tendo's schemes in the past.

"Remember that sticky bud that was going around before Lab Sixteen closed? Mend here's still got some," Tendo says, gesturing at Mend as though he's some sort of grand prize.

"You're willing to give it up just to find a guy?" Abrams says, clearly not sold on the idea.

"Uh, yeah. If we can find Newt, it's all yours."

"Oh, you're looking for the other you? When did you last see each other? This could get tricky if you crossed paths in the time he's been 'missing'," Abrams says as he turns to the bank of screens behind him and puts his hands on the keyboard. 

"Haven't seen him since we were in Medical about four hours ago. I left at quarter past three or so, he left ten minutes before me," Mend says, stepping forward to look over Abrams' shoulder.

"You know which exit he took?"

"No clue. We were in radiology, if that helps."

Abrams' fingers fly over the keyboard as he searches, then he's scanning through a few different feeds until he stops and points at one of the screens. "That you or him?"

Mend moves up close, squinting at the screen. "Can you go through a few frames? I need to see the shoes." 

"You want me to zoom in so we can see the brand as well? What kind of set-up do you think I have here?" Abrams says with a roll of his eyes.

"One that can tell the difference between _black boots_ and _white sneakers_ ," Mend says pointedly and waves his hand for Abrams to continue. Watching a little while longer, Mend shakes his head. "No, that's me, go back a little further." 

They scan through until they find Newt and then follow him through the halls. Abrams switches between camera angles like he knows the system backwards and Mend's actually a little intimidated by how much of the Shatterdome is under surveillance. Every time Abrams loses Newt between camera angles and crowds, he manages to find him again within minutes. 

Newt walks through the halls without purpose, bumping into people and stumbling when he's not paying attention. They watch him go all over before he heads out onto the balcony above the helipad and Abrams raises an eyebrow at Mend.

"I was there an hour ago," Mend says with a shake of his head. "He'd moved on. Keep going."

They scrub through footage for another forty-five minutes, watching Newt go past the commissary, the jaeger bay, medical, covering so much ground that Abrams begins muttering under his breath about this being too much work to get high. Finally, he stops and Mend feels his stomach drop.

On screen, Newt stands at the security checkpoint before the main entrance. The video is moving at double-speed, but he stands and stares out the door for a long time then looks over his shoulder, shoves his hands into his pockets and walks through security and out the door.

"He left the fucking Shatterdome," Mend says, voice dropping to a whisper. "He didn't just walk around and come back in, did he?"

Abrams makes a note and runs through the footage at triple speed until they get to the current time. "Looks like he's still out there. Gimme a sec," Abrams says and pulls up another video stream. 

They watch as Abrams scrubs through it and then Mend's swallowing around the lump in his throat.

Abrams leans back in his chair. "About an hour ago, your boy got on a city bound bus."

Mend feels his heart drop.

"Shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That sound you just heard was shit hitting the fan.


	10. Chapter 10

The next thing he knows he's halfway down the hall away from security and Tendo's grabbing his arm.

"I know what this is about, man," Tendo says, pulling Mend to the side and talking to him in a low tone. "You think I'm an idiot? You lost him after you both left medical. You found out. You know who the clone is... and it's not you."

"Don't. Just... fucking _don't_. Don't talk to me about it, don't mention it to anyone else, don't talk to _him_ about it," Mend hisses grabbing the front of Tendo's shirt and so help him he will fucking _punch_ Tendo.

"Relax, okay? Just, relax... I'm not going to tell anyone," Tendo says, holding his hands up and telegraphing his movements as he gently prises Mend's fingers off his shirt and holds Mend's balled up fist in place. "A little hurt that you thought I'd blab about something like this, though. I'm in ops, man. I can keep a secret. Do you even know what my clearance is? Little hint - higher than yours. So, just calm down a little and let me help you out."

"What do you think you're going to do?" Mend says, pushing away and walking down the hall - he doesn't even know where he's going.

"I'm going to keep you from doing something stupid," Tendo says, striding to catch up with him. "And I'm going to pick up that stuff you've got for me and Abrams while I'm doing that."

"Seriously? You want the fucking payment _now_? Dude, I have to get into the city and-"

"And spend hours searching when you don't even know where he went?" Tendo says and slings an arm around his shoulders to guide him away from the corridor leading to the front of the shatterdome. "Let's go talk to Hermann, get your head on straight before you go running off into the night. Yes, I know about that, too. Like I said, I _can_ keep a secret."

"Shit. So you know-"

"That you and Newt would have killed each other if Hermann had chosen just _one_ of you?" Tendo says, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I'm not an idiot, man."

"Does _everyone_ kn-"

"People _suspect_ , but they've got no proof," Tendo says, pushing Mend toward the elevator and through the doors. "And I ain't telling."

"Right," Mend says, crossing his arms and slouching down to get out from under Tendo's arm. "What am I supposed to do in the lab to find Newt? It's not exactly the Batcave. I can't just plug some details into the Batcomputer and triangulate his location."

"You've got _Alfred_ , man. Alfred's way better than the Batcomputer," Tendo says, patting his shoulder as the doors open and they step out of the elevator. 

"Hermann's never gonna call me _Master Geiszler._ " Mend pulls a face.

"Way to miss the point," Tendo says, rolling his eyes. "Hermann's gonna rein you in and get you to actually _think_ about what the fuck you're doing. He's the only one who can do that. Believe me, I've asked - I'm not allowed to put a leash on you."

"What the fuck? Why would you- _Who did you ask_?!" Mend sputters, smacking Tendo's shoulder as his eyes go wide with confusion and outrage.

"It was a thing. Nevermind," Tendo says, waving Mend off and striding over to Hermann's side of the lab. "Hey, Hermann. Got a bit of a situation here and I need you to rein your boy in."

"You need me to what?" Hermann asks, lowering his glasses to his chest as he stands and walks over. "Where's Newton? Did you find him?"

"Sort of," Mend says, shrugging as he gravitates towards Hermann. "We tracked him down - he caught a bus into the city about an hour ago."

"Is this usual behaviour when you're... working things out?" Hermann asks, eyes flicking to Tendo as he chooses his words with care.

"He knows. He figured it out. He knows about... us, too," Mend says, waving a hand toward Tendo. "And, no. Not really? Usually I'd just walk around the Shatterdome or sit on one of the balconies. But this is _way_ bigger than the shit I've had to deal with before. This is... This is fucking _existential_ , man. I've never really had to deal with anything this heavy before."

Hermann stares at Tendo for a moment before shaking his head and directing his attention to Mend. "Is it possible that you know yourself _too_ well? By which I mean, is it possible that he's deliberately breaking patterns because you will know exactly where to find him otherwise?"

"Well, yeah. So, I should think about where I _wouldn't_ go and that's where I'll find him," Mend says, straightening and starting to move towards the door.

"Mendelssohn, wait," Hermann says, reaching out to grab Mend's arm before he can get out of reach. "If it is, as you say, more 'heavy' than anything you've had to deal with before, will it thus take more time for Newt to make sense of it? Perhaps we should give him that."

"You want us to just hang out here and do nothing?" Mend says, yanking his arm out of Hermann's grasp. "He needs to know we don't care that it's him. We need to prove that we're not gonna let anything change. We gotta find him and-"

"I did not say we will do _nothing_ ," Hermann interrupts in a sharp tone. "I suspect that leaving the Shatterdome was the only major deviation from the norm. You would not expect him to do that and thus it would give him longer to ponder uninterrupted. Might I ask, how _did_ you find out he left the Shatterdome?"

Mend shrugs and looks over at Tendo, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I, uh, called in a favor. Went through the security footage and followed him through the halls."

Hermann purses his lips. "I'm sure he's going to be _overjoyed_ over the extent to which you respected his privacy," he says and holds up a finger to keep Mend from protesting. "As I was saying, you and I will not be idle while we wait for him to return. We will spend the next few hours compiling a list of places you think you might go and we will plot a course for us to follow that will allow us to reach each one. If he has not returned by morning-"

"Tomorrow?! You think he's going to be out all _night_?" 

" _If_ he has not returned by morning, you and I will investigate further," Hermann finishes in a stern, stubborn tone. "Most missing person cases require a person to have been missing for forty-eight hours before they are taken seriously. He has currently been missing for... five, was it? Though, technically, _one_ hour if you take into account that you surveilled his movements." He reaches out and places a hand on Mend's shoulder, squeezing it in support. "I'm hoping that our activities tonight will be distracting busy-work to keep you occupied while we wait. Though it will also be a plan of action in a worst-case scenario. We will find him, Mendelssohn. If he doesn't find himself."

"I don't like this," Mend says, looking up at Hermann with a frown. "What if he does something stupid? You _know_ me. I'd do something stupid."

"You would do something stupid regardless of whether he, or even _I_ , were there to stop you," Hermann says rubbing Mend's shoulder. "We will do what we can."

"That's what I like to see," Tendo says, clapping his hands together and giving them both a broad smile. "Come on now, hug it out and get to work."

"You may be privy to our relationship status, Tendo, but do not think that will affect a change in our behaviour around you or anyone else," Hermann says, giving Tendo a stern look. 

"You wound me, Hermann. You know I'm all about the love. I'm just glad you crazy kids finally got it together. Newt's lucky to have you looking out for him," Tendo says, holding his arms out in surrender. " Hey, Mend, now that you're all reined in and not gonna fly apart at the seams, can I get that stuff from you? I gotta get back to LOCCENT - Betty's waiting on me."

"Yeah, sure, just... gimme a sec." Mend heads into the alcove and when he comes back a few minutes later, Tendo's staring at Hermann with a raised eyebrow and a barely contained smirk. "What? What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Hermann's just telling me exactly which of my bones he'll break if I tell anyone what I know," Tendo says with a shake of his head.

Hermann straightens, smoothing the front of his blazer as he looks down his nose. "I meant every word," he says without a hint of regret.

"I don't doubt you, man," Tendo says, clapping Hermann on the shoulder. "Trust me, if I had _any_ intention of saying _anything_ , I'd be scared right now. Truly. Is that the stuff? I'll make sure Larry gets his cut."

Mend hands it over and Hermann raises an eyebrow.

"Is that..."

"The last of the weed I had left over from before Lab Sixteen got shut down. Yeah, I'm trading favors for drugs now; I'm a real kingpin," Mend says pulling a face at Hermann. "It got the job done and now I'm not _still_ running around trying to find Newt when he's not even _here_."

"I'm not judging you," Hermann says, looking to the side. "I just, ah, have been unable to get my prescription filled in a while."

"You have a prescription for _medical marijuana_?!" Mend says, staring at Hermann jaw hanging open. "Ok, that's it, now we've gotta find Newt so we can all get high and laugh about this shitstorm. You wanted to make a list? Let's make a list."

"I'll leave you guys to it," Tendo says as he backs towards the door. "You need anything, let me know. Good luck."

"Thanks, man." Mend waves as Tendo pushes out the door before turning back to Hermann. "So, what do you need? A list of places I might go?"

"First, we are going to eat," Hermann says as he takes Mend by the shoulder and turns him toward the door. "If what he needs is time, time is what we will give him."

"You're going to drag this out, aren't you?" Mend says, narrowing his eyes at Hermann. "It's gonna be dinner, and then desert and coffee, and then, I don't know, you'll need a _foot massage_ before you can work or some shit."

"If you want to give me a foot massage while we compile the list, I wouldn't turn you down," Hermann says with a gentle smile, bussing the side of Mend's head with a kiss. "I believe Newt will return when he's ready. And if he hasn't returned by tomorrow, we will find him and bring him back."

"Tomorrow?" Mend plants his feet and stares up at Hermann defiantly.

"It's eight o'clock. He left at seven. If he is coming back tonight, it will likely be late. If he needs enough time that he was willing to _leave the Shatterdome_ to get it, then us following now will only set him back. If he returns in the morning, we won't need to go looking for him," Hermann says and smooths a hand down Mend's shoulder. "I am trying to account for what you _both_ need right now. You _want_ to go looking for him. You _need_ to keep yourself occupied. I understand that I cannot even _begin_ to comprehend the magnitude of how this revelation will affect both of you, but, please... let me do what I can."

Mend holds Hermann's gaze in a silent showdown before something clicks and he deflates. "I would... I would _run_ to the city right now. Fuck the bus, fuck getting a car, I would _run_ , if I could find him. And you know how I feel about running. I just... I need... I need to _fix_ this. I need to find him and tell him... I don't know what I need to tell him. That everything's going to be alright? That I still feel the same? That nothing _has_ changed? I need to find him, Hermann."

"We will," Hermann says, sounding so sure that for a moment Mend's heart lifts. "We will find him and we will bring him back and not a single day will pass where he doesn't know how much he means to us. Until then... don't think of it as me holding you back. Think of it as... as me holding your hand." He holds his hand out, looking at Mend with a serious and apprehensive expression.

Mend stares at it and closes his eyes. He reaches out and takes it in his own, squeezing when he feels Hermann grasp it tightly. "Let's... go get dinner."

They make it to the elevator before letting go and Mend feels a guilty thrill run through him at the thought of getting caught. He clamps down on it and tries to focus on the fact that Newt's still gone.

Dinner feels like an interminable affair; each mouthful forced down his throat to sit as a heavy lump in his gut. Hermann makes him eat everything on his tray before they leave and the walk back to his room feels like it takes an age.

Time moves a little faster once Hermann's sitting on their bed with his laptop and Mend's wracking his brain for every place he could possibly go in Hong Kong. He keeps an eye on the door and tries not to think about Newt leaving the city as well.

Hermann keeps him distracted past two, as his hope drops and his stomach knots, plotting all the locations on a map and calculating the fastest route through all of them.

Mend doesn't know when he dozes off, but he wakes, disoriented and groggy, curled into Hermann's side. The light's still on and they're both still dressed, but there's no sign of Newt. 

Even as he snores, Hermann's arms are tight around him. 

He rubs his eye and reaches over Hermann to grab his phone off the nightstand, lighting up the screen to check the time.

Hermann stirs at the movement, pulling Mend closer as he comes awake. "What time is it? Is he... oh." Hermann slumps as he blinks around the room, realising they're still alone.

"It's six," Mend says, dropping the phone to the mattress and burying his face in Hermann's shoulder. "We fucked up. We should have gone after him."

"Maybe... maybe he missed the last bus," Hermann says, tightening his grip around Mend's shoulders. "Maybe he's waiting for them to start running again so he can get back."

"Maybe he caught a plane and he's literally _anywhere_ but Hong Kong," Mend says in frustration.

Hermann cups the back of his head and presses a firm kiss to the top of his head. "I doubt he would have had enough cash to buy a ticket on him," Hermann says and reaches to the side to pick up the laptop and settle it on his legs. "Check your bank balance."

Mend huffs and looks at the screen, reaching out to type the address in one-handed and log in to his account.

"No recent transactions," he says and feels a wave of relief so powerful it's almost physical. "So he's probably still in the city. That's good. That's manageable. Sort of." He rests his chin on Hermann's chest and looks up with a twist of his lips. "If he doesn't want to be found, we probably don't have a hope in hell in a city this size."

"It won't stay that way for long," Hermann says, giving Mend an encouraging smile as he brushes his fingers through his hair. " _Under the radar_ is not a place where you flourish. He may not want an audience now, but he will soon. We will find him."

"We should get a head start on that." Mend pushes up and swings his legs off the bed. "Head out, start looking. We can-"

Hermann reaches out and grabs his hand, halting him in place. "The first bus doesn't arrive until after eight," he says, and gives Mend's hand a squeeze. "We'll shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and then go wait at the bus stop. All three outbound routes arrive between eight and nine. We'll know if he's back by then."

"Fuck," Mend says and scrubs a hand over his face. "I hate all this waiting."

"It won't be for long. Go shower." Hermann lets go of Mend's hand and turns back to the computer. 

When Mend's finished showering and shaving fifteen minutes later, Hermann's looking down at a tablet. "I hope you don't mind, I borrowed your tablet and transferred the route to your map programme. We'll be able to leave from the commissary once we're done eating."

"You're the fucking best," Mend says, dropping to sit on the bed. He leans in and cups Hermann's face in his hands, kissing him soundly. "I'm sorry I've been such a basket case about this. I know you're worried too, and-"

"Mendelssohn, it's _okay_ ," Hermann says, reaching around Mend to rub his back. "Back when Newt was still recovering and he found out about the emails from Griggson, we had a talk. He told me, and this is a direct quote: _shit's going to hit the fan_ when you find out the truth and that I was likely going to be in the middle of it. I wasn't expecting _this_ , but I have been prepared for a similar outcome. I made him a promise, that I would try to be your rock. Both of you. I will try to be the calm in your storm. As long as one of us is thinking clearly, we can get through this." 

Mend stares at Hermann for a moment, then he's kissing him and pulling him close. "I'd be losing my shit right now if it wasn't for you. You're so- I l- You're doing a _great_ job."

"Get dressed," Hermann says, patting Mend on the side. "We're not through this yet." He disentangles himself from Mend and slides off the bed, before heading into the bathroom.

Mend dresses and paces the room, staring at the tablet and going through the route, trying to remember anywhere else Newt might go.

Breakfast is slow, but not nearly as difficult to swallow as the previous night. They sit side-by-side and Mend holds Hermann's hand under the table, squeezing tightly whenever the anxious desire to _get moving_ becomes overwhelming. 

At eight exactly, they're outside the Shatterdome waiting at the bus stop. Hermann sits on a bench and watches up the street while Mend paces around and around, only stopping to scrutinise the timetable posted on the wall.

The first bus arrives and Mend rushes over, standing on tiptoes to try and see Newt among the throng of people exiting and heading into the Shatterdome. He hops from foot to foot, bouncing to see over their heads, but as the mass thins out and the bus pulls away empty, he's left standing alone, staring at Hermann in despair. 

"There's still two more," Hermann says in an encouraging tone.

Mend shoves his hands deep into his pockets and returns to pacing.

The second one comes and the result is the same; a wave of people get off and there's no sign of Newt. The sliver of hope Mend had been clinging to slips away to be replaced by a hollowness that gnaws at him from the inside and makes him avoid Hermann's gaze.

At the sight of the third, Hermann comes to stand beside him, placing a hand on his back, the warmth of which can't even begin to touch the cold that's settled in his chest and spread to his limbs.

As the last people step off the bus and the crowd thins out, Mend's shoulder's slump but then he's being pushed through the door and Hermann's dropping their fare in the receptacle.

" _Now_ we can go?" Mend says in an incredulous tone, stumbling backwards down the aisle of the empty bus.

"My theory proved false," Hermann says, taking a seat and gesturing for Mend to sit beside him. "We adapt and push forward." He swipes open the tablet and enlarges the map on the screen, angling it towards Mend so he can see. "The route we've outlined starts at the eighth inbound stop on this route. There's a cluster of sixteen within a half-hour walking distance, we should be able to get through most of them before lunch. It's unlikely we'll get everywhere you listed as a possibility last night, but going by the time Newt left the Shatterdome yesterday, I've prioritised everything along this bus-route and that's an eminently attainable goal."

Mend looks down at the tablet, then back up at Hermann. The hollow's still there, but as Hermann looks at him with uncertainty in his eyes, its edges smooth out and no longer feels so wholly devastating. He reaches into Hermann's lap and picks up his hand, folding it in his own and clasping it tight. "Thank you."

Hermann smiles and ducks his head, gripping Mend's hand and powering down the screen on the tablet. The rest of the trip is made in silence, and by the time they step off the bus into the warm morning sunshine, Mend's filled with a renewed sense of purpose.

"Where's the first stop?" Mend asks, looking at Hermann intently as they stand on a street corner.

"There's a string of cafes and restaurants up this strip. We can zig-zag back and forth or do one side and then the other," Hermann says casting a critical eye over the tablet. "Some of these places might not be open yet, but we can make a note of them and loop back; we'll have to come back to do the bars and nightclubs in this area, if we're unlucky elsewhere, but I've accounted for that, so it won't put us behind schedule."

"I-..." Mend starts and stops, voice cutting off with a strangled sound as he stares up at Hermann in awe. He clears his throat and glances away before looking up at Hermann almost shy. "I'd just be running up and down streets, banging on doors and shouting at people. You... you've got this all figured out and scheduled and..."

"My strength lies in information; the organisation and understanding thereof," Hermann says, but in the bright light of day, so different to the lab, Mend can see a hint of a pleased blush high on his cheeks. "I'm just grateful to have a role in this; distinct and necessary. I know that sounds truly awful given the circumstances, but it's a way in which my particular skill set can be of use."

"I get what you mean," Mend says, and looks around the area. "You wanna do this side of the street first? How many blocks do we have to do?"

"Of the places that should be open right now... there are eight on this street, two in an alley between here and the next main thoroughfare, then four, then two. The eight are on the next six blocks," Hermann says, looking over the tablet and then squinting down the street. "I think we can make it through the first group in an hour if we hurry." He gestures down the road and waits for Mend to turn before stepping in beside him.

"I don't- What am I even going to say to whoever we talk to? 'Hi, my clone's gone missing, have you seen me?'" Mend shoves his hands into his pockets and hunches over. "My _twin_. My twin's gone missing."

"Do these people know you? Would they remember if you'd been in before, with or without your twin?" Hermann asks, placing a hand on Mend's back to quicken their pace.

"Some of them might," Mend shrugs, stepping faster to keep up with Hermann's long strides. "Honestly, I just said everywhere in the city that I've been more than once."

"So, we construct a story," Hermann says with a decisive nod. "Perhaps, instead of being particularly detailed in your explanation, you should just say that... that you were very intoxicated last night and have misplaced your keys. Then ask if they remember seeing you in their establishment last night."

"Could work," Mend says after a moment's thought. "But what if Newt was just thinking, not drinking? Wouldn't they get suspicious if they did see Newt and he didn't _look_ drunk?"

"People experience intoxication in different ways. In case you've forgotten, you are a _maudlin_ drunk," Hermann says with a shake of his head. "The more you drink, the quieter you become, until everything explodes out of you in a torrent of emotion. It's not so farfetched to believe that Newt was potentially drunk."

"Right," Mend says and looks up at Hermann with a twist of his lips. "Am I really that bad?"

"You're one of the better drunks I've met," Hermann says with a smile, lightly jostling Mend's shoulder with his own. "When you're tipsy - one or two drinks - there's very little difference - boisterous, gregarious, _loud_... but if you move too quickly onto three or more... It highlights the fact that alcohol is a depressant. It's jarring to see you so quiet and still, truth be told."

"I don't always- Wait, is this the place? This is the first place on the list, right? Right?" Mend says, stopping suddenly and looking up at the storefront before peering in through the window.

"Yes, this is it," Hermann says and tucks the tablet under his arm. "If they don't speak English, let me take over. Your accent is liable to have the HKP called on us."

"Fine." Mend huffs and pushes the door open before walking in. "Nǐ hǎo, uh... Do you speak English?" He asks the woman behind the counter.

"Yes," she says and offers them a menu, gesturing to the tables behind them.

"No, uh, we're not here to eat. Was _I_ in here last night? Did you see me?"

"You? Here?" She thinks for a moment then shakes her head. "No."

"You're sure? You were here all night?" Mend presses before Hermann puts a hand on his shoulder and steps in, reiterating Mend's question in Cantonese and thanking her politely when the answer remains the same.

"One down," Hermann says, checking it off the list as they walk back onto the street.

"When did you get so fluent in Cantonese? You rarely leave the Shatterdome," Mend says, looking up at Hermann curiously as they walk down the street.

"I'm not fluent, I'm just better at it than you," Hermann says, glancing between the screen and a storefront a few places down. "That's the next one, come along."

They make it through the rest of the street in forty-five minutes. Hermann steps in more than once when it becomes clear that there's a language barrier between Mend and the people he's speaking to.

"Do you think he just didn't come to this area?" Mend asks as they're leaving the second of the places in the alley, a small arcade with bells ringing and dinging and tinny music playing on the game speakers. "I feel like we should just move on, but... what if we just haven't hit the place he _did_ go?"

"I understand your anxiety," Hermann says, lips pressing into a thin line. "I'd hoped that we might have found _some_ sign of him already. But we're ahead of schedule, so we should press on." He glances over his shoulder and then steps forward to pull Mend into a tight hug. "Just because we have not found any sign of him yet, doesn't mean that we won't."

"What if he got a hotel room and holed up in there? We'd- I don't have a favorite hotel in Hong Kong. I always came back to the Shatterdome. What if- How are we going to find him if he's not even-"

"Shh," Hermann says, pressing a kiss to Mend's temple. "We work through what we have, and then we turn our attentions outward. I don't believe getting a hotel would have been his first impulse; it's not a short-term solution to his problem. He would have started _somewhere_ , once we find that area, we'll have a better idea of where to focus."

Mend buries his face in Hermann's chest, hands clutching at his back as he tries to get his breathing in order. He hasn't had an anxiety attack since before his first defence and he _really_ doesn't like the feeling of being so out of control of a situation. 

"We gotta keep moving," Mend says, heaving a breath and pushing away from Hermann, wiping at his eyes as he walks down the alley. "We're not going to find him by sitting around crying about it."

Hermann rushes to catch up, taking Mend's hand and giving it a squeeze as they hurry to make it to the next place on the list.

For each negative response they receive, Mend's heart drops a little further. He pushes himself to keep going, to ask at the next place, but he can feel his steps getting heavier and reluctance begin to settle in. By the time they're finished in area, it's nearly midday and Hermann makes them stop to have lunch.

"We can be mostly certain that Newt stayed on the bus," Hermann says over a bowl of noodles. "Eat up. We'll go to the Boneslums next, we may have more luck there."

Mend sighs and picks at his food, forcing himself to finish so Hermann will stop giving him concerned looks.

The ride to the Boneslums is quick and fills Mend with a new sense of hope. They should have come _here_ first; the noise and the bustle make him feel anonymous in the crowd, drowning out the thoughts in his head until he's just movement and reaction.

Hermann clutches his hand tight so they don't get separated as Newt leads them through to the nearest place he can remember. The store is cramped and overflowing with books on every surface, but there's a box of manga and comics in the third aisle that had him giddy when he first found it.

The man behind the counter squints at him when he asks if he was there the night before and waves him off, telling him to leave if he's not going to buy anything. Hermann steps in to reiterate the importance of the question, but the man picks up a stick and waves it at them and Mend hurries them back out onto the street.

"He's not always that violent," Mend says, looking over his shoulder as the door closes behind them.

"I would hope not," Hermann says, smoothing down his blazer and turning his attention to the tablet. 

They go through four more places before they hit paydirt.

"I kicked you out at closing," the man behind the counter of Newt and Mend's favourite wonton place says. "All night, you sat. Bought one bowl of soup. Very busy night. No room to move. You take up space."

"But I was here!" Mend says, jubilant. "Do you know which way I went? Did you see me today?"

"I push you out door and close. Not watch which way you go," the man says, looking disgruntled.

"Shit," Mend says and pulls out his wallet, looking up at the menu. "Here's, um, a hundred and fifty dollars. That's three bowls of soup. Should cover all the sitting he- _I_ did. Thank you. Thank you _so_ much. You have no idea, just- _thank you_."

He turns and walks toward the door, unable to contain his smile as he looks at Hermann, and the man behind the counter clears his throat.

"You went right," the man says, pocketing the money. "That all I know."

Mend points up the street and the man nods. "You've just earned a fan for _life_ , man. I love you. No, seriously, you're awesome. You're-"

"That's enough, Mendelssohn," Hermann says, smiling at the man and leading Mend out into the street.

"He was _here_!" Mend says with a laugh, bouncing on his toes.

"This place closes after midnight," Hermann says, looking at the sign by the door. "That would explain why he didn't come back to the Shatterdome."

"So he got a hotel around here or something? Are they listed on the map?" Mend asks, crowding Hermann up against the wall and out of the flow of people so he can get a look at the tablet.

"Do you have your phone on you?" Hermann asks, angling the tablet away from Mend. 

Mend frowns and digs in his back pocket to hand it over.

Hermann fiddles with it for a moment and makes a call, holding it up to his ear and waiting. "Hello, Tendo? If you're not terribly busy, would you be able to do me a favour? ... I need you to go to the lab and Newt's room and see if he's returned and then call me back. ... We've still not found him, but we know where he was until after midnight last night. ... This is _very_ different from reviewing surveillance footage. ... I'll be waiting." He hangs up and passes the phone back to Mend. "Within half an hour, we should know if Newt has returned. Until then, let's keep asking around. Perhaps someone has seen him today."

"This is fucked," Mend says, scrubbing his hands over his face as he starts to walk down the street. "It's just... roadblocks. We figure out where he went and then you make me wait. I don't care that this lead is more than half a day old. We know he was around here and we _still_ can't fucking find him. I was only an hour behind him last night. I could have caught up with him."

"There's nothing to indicate that you tracking him down wouldn't have made him run farther," Hermann says, gripping his cane tight as he walks beside Mend. "I made a judgement call based on Newt needing time. I won't apologise for that."

"I'm not blaming _you_ ," Mend says, rubbing a hand down Hermann's arm and trying not to let the urge to grip it tight and shake Hermann overwhelm him. "There's so many things we could have done differently and we could all be back at the Shatterdome right now. There's just so many 'what ifs'. What if I'd gone looking for him last night? What if we'd come straight here this morning? What if-"

"You can lose yourself in what-ifs if you're not careful," Hermann says, putting a hand over Mend's on his arm and squeezing. "This is the path we are one, focus on that; it will save your sanity."

"You and the fuckin' paths, man," Mend says with a shake of his head. "You ever think about what you'd do if you'd been the one exposed to the stuff instead of me?"

"I try not to. It's hard enough navigating this life with just one of me," Hermann says, looking down at the tablet and gesturing to indicate that they'll need to take the turn ahead. "I don't believe it would affect my work as positively as it has for you. I imagine we'd both be working through the same problem at the same pace; the times we'd be able to jumpstart each other and make the grandiose leaps of logic you and Newt seem to have perfected would be few and far between. I envy you that, if nothing else."

"We make a pretty good team," Mend says, smiling as they turn the corner onto a slightly less busy side street. "What if... what if he doesn't want to come back?"

"We just covered 'what ifs', Mendelssohn," Hermann says in a gentle tone. "Focus on finding him, then we can discuss what the future holds."

They continue through the Boneslums, stopping in at places to ask if Newt's been seen that day, and trudging on when the answer's in the negative. 

Twenty minutes later, Mend's phone rings.

"I can't see any sign of Newt," Tendo's voice says sounding far away and tinny. "I mean, he might be in your room, but you'd normally get pissed if someone banged on your door for that long. Nothing in the lab, either."

"Thanks, man. We got a ping on where he was last night, so I guess we start looking at hotels now," Mend says, silently shaking his head at Hermann.

"Good luck. Oh, hey, Pentecost just flew in from L.A. and word on the street has it that he's going to want to see you and your boy ASAP."

"Fuck," Mend says, biting his lip and scrunching his eyes closed. "He's just gonna have to wait until we get back; I'm not leaving here until I know where he is."

"It's your funeral."

"Thanks for the support, Ten. I really, seriously feel so supported right now. So much support. So much."

There's a low chuckle from the other end of the line. "I got your back, man. I'll run interference until you're back in the 'dome."

"Better," Mend says and looks at Hermann, registering the confusion in his face. "Gotta go. I'll check in with you later." He hangs up and takes a deep breath.

"Newt's not there but the Marshall is. He's going to want to see me and Newt at some point; Katz filled him in on the situation."

"So it's all the more important that we find him," Hermann says with a decisive nod. "If we can stop for a moment I can bring up a list of hotels in the area and-"

"Dude," Mend cuts him off, standing up straight and looking around to get his bearings. "There's one place we didn't check and I can't believe how _stupid_ I was to forget it. We can stop when we get there, come on."

Mend grabs Hermann by the wrist and leads him through the streets, dodging people as he hurries and ignores Hermann's requests to know where they're going. When they get there, he climbs up on the railing and to get a good look over peoples' heads.

"Reckoner's remains. Of course this would be one of your favourite places," Hermann says with a roll of his eyes as he looks up at Mend. "Surely you don't think he's still here, do you?"

"I used to come here a lot," Mend says as he scans the flow of people moving back and forth. "Whenever my samples would run out after an attack and I was just going in circles trying to find answers, I'd come here and just... sit. For hours, sometimes. Reminded me that we'd won in the past and we could still win in the future."

"Then we should check the surrounding businesses. We may be able to get an estimation of when he left and which way he went," Hermann says and looks around before enlarging the area they're standing in on the map. "We should start here and move counter-clockwise around the-"

"Did you sleep, or are you gonna keep blanking me?"

Mend frowns and looks down to see who cut Hermann off. His eyes-widen and then he's jumping off the rail and wrapping them in a hug.

"Sorry, shit, sorry. I know - we're not hugging friends but, dude. You saw me today? I blanked you?" Mend says pulling away when he feels her stiffen.

Fang looks at him like he's lost his mind as she steps away. "I said 'hi', you stared right through me. Looked like you hadn't slept."

"Where was I? Can you tell me exactly where? It's super important and, uh, classified, I think. You're probably going to get to hear some of it at some point but right now I can't say anything because... uh, reasons." Mend takes a deep breath and stares at her, eyes wide.

"He lost his _keys_ ," Hermann says in a dry tone, stepping forward to stand beside Mend.

"And you think they'll still be there? Now? You need to sleep more; your brain's clearly not online," Fang says, frowning at Mend.

"Yeah, I know, but... I still gotta try and find them. Can you show me where I was?" Mend asks, putting his hands together in front of him his and looking up at her hopefully.

"Fine. But you know you're being weirder than normal, right?" She says and jerks her head for them to follow.

"It's, um, it's a stressful time," Mend says with an awkward laugh and hurries to follow.

She stops by a building with crates piled up against the side. "You were sitting there when I went to get breakfast at around eleven. I said hi and you ignored me."

"I was just sitting here? You didn't see where I went after?" Mend asks, eyes darting around and taking everything in.

"I asked if you were going to come in again soon and you sort of lurched up and stumbled past me. Ran into some people and kept going." She gives him an unimpressed look and shakes her head. "I had a client coming in so I left."

"Which way was I headed?" Mend asks, thrumming with the idea of only being a few hours behind Newt again.

"Looked like you were headed for the skull if you kept going straight," she says with a shrug. "Maybe you went somewhere else. All your science talk made me think you wouldn't hold with that type."

"Holy shit," Mend whispers and then turns back to Fang. "You have no idea how helpful you've been. You're- Shit, you're fucking awesome. Remind me to give you a double tip next time I come in. Seriously, look me in the eye and tell me I owe you. Because I do. So fucking much."

"I'll hold you to that," she says in a serious tone and looks at her watch. "I gotta go. Good luck finding your keys, Newt."

She turns and walks away and Mend stares after her.

He hears Hermann call their thanks and closes his eyes, trying to process, and then Hermann's placing a hand on his shoulder.

"It's- Nobody's called me Newt in months. I don't- We're so closed off and- I know she doesn't know but-"

"I understand," Hermann says quietly. "It must have been jarring."

"We're _looking_ for Newt and he's not- I'm not-"

Hermann rubs his shoulder in comfort and Mend shakes his head to clear it.

"We've got a lead. Let's... let's just follow it and-... and, yeah." He shrugs out from under Hermann's hand and sets his shoulders as he walks towards the skull.

"What's it like inside?" Hermann asks quietly as they approach the stairs leading into the gaping maw.

"I don't know. I've never been in," Mend says, slowing as they start the ascent. "I put in a proposal a few years ago and... well, I've been expressly forbidden to come in here."

"Wouldn't it aid your research?" Hermann asks in confusion.

"Yeah, yeah, it really would. But, um..." Mend stops, staring up at the teeth and scaffolding as his eyes widen with realisation. "Fuck me. He fucking did it."

"Did what? Mendelssohn? What did he do?"

"He joined the fucking kaiju cult."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you prioritise work for a few days and then it turns out you've been doing the wrong thing. \o/

“He joined the fucking kaiju cult.”

"You can't be sure of that," Hermann says with a shake of his head, both of them looking around in awe as they pass through the door into the temple.

It's dark inside, barely lit by sconces casting murky yellow light from the walls and sunlight shining in weak shafts through the eye sockets. It must be bright and striking when the sun hits at the right angle, but now it just feels foreboding. There are rows of seats facing a raised platform at the back of the room and they must have broken out the back of the skull and built around because it's much larger than it should be. He can see the spine running through the top of the room, and, fuck, it makes him angry.

It's mostly empty. There are two cultists standing on either side of the room, and someone kneeling at the platform over a lit candle and a swath of offerings, but it's quiet and the bustle of the outside world fades the further they get from the door.

Mend sits heavily in a chair at the back and stares up in awe, twisting to see the back of the sockets and trying to work out what changes they made when they redecorated.

"He doesn't appear to be here now," Hermann says in a quiet voice as he slides in beside him. "Perhaps she was wrong about which way he went."

"No... No, he's here; I can feel it," Mend says distractedly, still looking around the skull.

"Is this a new development? A new effect of the substance?" Hermann asks, dropping his tone even lower and glancing at the cultists who appear to be subtly guarding barely visible doors that exit into the body cavity.

"I don't mean, like, _psychically_ ," Mend says resisting the urge to get his phone out and start taking pictures. "I mean... I know the logic he used. I... Pentecost said that he wouldn't risk his kaiju expert on a hunch that we might find something here." He shrugs and looks at Hermann with a twist of his lips. "Pentecost still has a kaiju expert now."

"But you have no _proof_ that he's here. We can't exactly go and demand that they bring him to us if we don't _know_ , and even then, we don't know what sort of 'cult' this is, what restrictions he'll be under, if any," Hermann whispers, ducking his head so the cult members won't be able to read his lips.

"Hermann, it's _me_. I got freaked out and I did something stupid. It's how I operate; Situation Normal," Mend says, and sighs, returning his gaze to the skull. "This is the first thing to make sense since we found out. This is... he's here. I know it. I have to go get him."

Hermann grabs his wrist and grips it tight, tugging him close to hiss in his ear. " _You will do no such thing_. You need intel and information; you are not just going to walk in there and offer yourself up to them like a sacrificial goat. You don't know how they operate or what they're doing. You do not know what the dangers could be."

"I don't care about the danger! This is _Newt_ we're talking about," Mend says, yanking his arm away. "It's like you don't even care."

"Do not _ever_ say that again," Hermann says, voice low and cold as his eyes bore into Mend's. "Newt is emotional and not thinking straight. _You_ are emotional and not thinking straight. We will get Newt back, but not by charging in there blind." He takes Mend's wrist again and sets his shoulders. "We are going to leave here and we're going to go back to the Shatterdome." His grip tightens as Mend opens his mouth to protest. "We are going to find out everything about this place and work out the best possible course of action. I'm not going to risk losing both of you to this place."

"You'd be willing to settle for one of us? That's not- I can't do that. Not anym-"

"Are you wilfully misinterpreting everything I say?" Hermann asks, frustration and anger bleeding into his tone. "I will not settle for one of you any more than you would settle for me alone. I want you to be smart about this. I want to bring him home _safely_." He sighs and slips his hand down to link his fingers with Newt's. "This may all be a flight of fancy; you're so sure he's here but... but what if he's not? What if you go in there and get trapped and he comes home to find you gone? What if we stopped too soon? What if-"

"You can lose yourself in what-if's, man." Mend looks over at the doors leading behind the altar and feels his stomach begin to knot. "What if we could find someone who saw him come in here? Would that be enough?"

"It would be a start." Hermann looks over his shoulder, face wary. "Let's leave before they become suspicious. We can regroup outside." He pushes himself to his feet and looks down at Mend, hand clenching the handle of his cane as he waits for a response.

Mend looks around the skull one last time and follows. "I'm not giving up on this," he says as he shoves his hands into his pockets and walks with Hermann to the door.

"I know you're not," Hermann says, breathing a sigh of relief as they make their way down the stairs and away from the temple. "I'm not either, I just want us to be as sure as we can be before we take action."

"Trying to tell myself that, man." Mend shrugs and turns to look back at the skull. "But everything is telling me that he's so fucked up right now that he _joined a cult_ to get away from it and... and I just want to find him and tell him he's being stupid, that he's loved."

"We will," Hermann assures him, squeezing his shoulder. "But we will do it with precision and care. Let's go start asking at the nearby businesses."

Mend follows Hermann as he gets his bearings, looking around at the establishments nearby and making notes on what's nearby. 

"I don't think we'll need to ask everywhere nearby. Some of these places were more than likely not open at the time Newt was here, or were more... inwardly involved."

"Inwardly involved?" Mend asks, looking at Hermann in confusion.

"I daresay by their particular offerings, they were uninterested in the goings on by the temple door," Hermann says, not taking his eyes off the tablet.

"Their offerings? I have no idea what you're talking ab- Wait, the porn stores? The peepshows? Is that what you're- Are you _blushing_?" Mend ducks down, pushing forward until he catches Hermann's eye and grins as Hermann looks away, flustered. "Considering what you're like in bed, I never would have picked you as someone who got embarrassed about porn."

"I'm not embarrassed. I've seen my fair share of pornography," Hermann says, holding himself straight and tall.

"You got it all online, though, didn't you? You've never been _in_ anywhere like that," Mend grins and wraps an arm around Hermann. "I don't blame you. I don't think anyone under fifty goes in them anymore. It's all creepers and people who don't know how to use the internet for anonymous sex."

"You've been in then?" Hermann asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't get what there is to be embarrassed about." Mend shrugs. "We're totally going in, though."

"I don't see the need-"

"Lots of them have surveillance," Mend says and points at the cameras pointing at the doors. "We just need to find the one that has a good angle."

"And what makes you so sure that they'll let you look at the footage? If those cameras are even _real_..." Hermann sniffs, following behind Mend as he looks from camera to camera to try and find the best one.

"Money," Mend says simply and points at a store off to the left. "That one should have a line that covers the entire area. Here's hoping the quality's good enough to get a hit on him." 

He strides toward the door and it's only as he pushes it open that he thinks about what kind of place he's walking into - the glowing neon XXX in the window doesn't narrow it down. He's relieved when shelves of DVDs and Videos greet him on the other side, there's a curtained hallway down the back, but he's not thinking about it. 

The person behind the counter looks up from a stack of books and nods as Hermann walks in behind him.

"Hi. Uh, do you speak English?" Mend asks, looking at the guy hopefully.

"Some," the guy says and pushes the books to the side. "What do you want?"

"Great. Awesome. Here's hoping it doesn't- Um, yeah, anyway. So, my brother ran away and we're, like, eighty-five percent sure he joined the kaiju cult over in the skull," Mend says and the guy looks at him blankly. "Do the cameras outside work? Are they recording?"

"We only keep it for a week," the guy says and starts pulling the book back. 

"That's fine. We think he did it _today_. Any chance we could get a look at the footage? The film?" Mend asks, leaning against the counter and instantly regretting it - kaiju guts are one thing, the possibility of stranger spunk is another.

"What will I get?" The guy looks Mend up and down, and casts a quick glance at Hermann; he's clearly not expecting much.

"Uh, I've got... three hundred left. That's not enough is it? Um. You're studying? What're you reading? Is that science?" Mend looks at the book but it's in Mandarin and as near as he can tell it's about seaweed.

"Ocean Botany," the guy says narrowing his eyes.

"Ocean Bot- _Marine_ Botany? Environmental Science, yeah? So, you're looking to clean up the harbor and fix all the shit the Kaiju have done?" Mend asks, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"I want to help. Why?"

"Okay, see, I work at the Shatterdome. I'm actually head- well, co-head, of K-Sci," Mend says and flips up his badge as proof. "Now, I can't get you a job there because, well, we're all madly scrambling to keep _our_ jobs, but I know, like, a _lot_ of people. It would definitely get your foot in the door." 

The guy doesn't look impressed.

"How about that _and_... free tutoring? From someone with a shitload of PhD's and who's taught most of the classes you're taking? Hermann can help you out with your maths and physics requirements," Mend says and Hermann makes sounds of protest until he's elbowed in the ribs. "Ink-thay about-yay the takes-say."

Hermann stares at Mend, eyes narrowing and lips moving as he works through the sentence.

"Do it for _Newt_ ," Mend hisses and looks back at the guy. "Do we have a deal?"

"Give me your phone number."

Mend pulls out his phone and swipes it open to his address book and holds it up. "Right at the top."

After a moment of pressing buttons, the guy stares at them until Mend's phone begins vibrating in his hand.

"That enough for you, or did you want more?" Mend asks, drumming his fingers on the counter as impatience creeps up the back of his neck.

"Give me the money and I will take you to the video."

"You drive a hard bargain, man," Mend says and hands over the cash. 

The guy counts it up and stands, walking around the counter to lock the door and flip the sign before jerking his head for them to follow him to a door at the back of the shop.

It's a storage room, cramped and tight with shelves towering with packaged dildos and other paraphernalia. Hermann looks around in a way that implies he's trying not to focus on any one thing and Mend smirks, leaning in to murmur _we'll order you something online_. He gets thwapped on the shoulder for his efforts and Hermann slips past him muttering _you'd best consult me first_.

The set-up is nowhere near as sophisticated as the one in the Shatterdome, but then, he wasn't really expecting it to be. There's two screens and a harddrive and the footage currently playing is grainy but bearable.

"Do you know what time your brother was here?"

"Um. Fang said she was going for breakfast at... eleven? Was it eleven?" Mend asks, frowning at Hermann and feeling panic begin to rise inside at the fact that he forgot one of the most important details in the wave of relief and excitement at having a lead.

"She said around eleven," Hermann says, squeezing Mend's shoulder. "Start at around ten-thirty. Can this do double speed?"

"Ten-thirty." The guy nods and cues up the recording, setting it to double speed as Mend slides into one of the chairs and pulls Hermann down to the one beside him. 

They watch avidly, scanning the image for any signs of Fang or Newt. The timestamp hits eleven-thirteen and Mend grabs Hermann's shoulder.

"Right there! That's Fang! Slow it down, slow it down!" He leans in close and watches her walk diagonally across the screen; she pauses for a moment and changes direction, walking to the bottom right corner. "She's still there, that's her head. She must be talking to Newt." Mend says, chewing on his lip as he stares so hard his eyes start to burn. "Come on, where is he?"

"Patience," Hermann murmurs, but his hand's gripping Mend's knee under the table, so tight his fingers dig in when he spots Newt stumble into frame.

"Holy shit. That's him! That's him!" Mend yelps, leaning in to watch him stumble through the foot traffic and stop at the bottom of the stairs to the temple. "Shit, look at him; he's fucking wrecked."

Newt sways at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at the skull for a while. People move around him, casting their eyes away and hurrying on, and then Newt's moving. He strides, shaky but purposeful, up the steps and disappears inside.

Mend looks at Hermann, a question in his eyes.

"This isn't _proof_ that he joined. Only that he went in there," Hermann says, jaw set with determination. "Put it back on double speed; maybe he left again."

The video goes on and on, but Newt doesn't leave. As time passes, Mend feels his stomach tighten.

"I was right," he whispers when they reach the current time. "He joined the fucking kaiju cult."

"It does seem that way," Hermann says, voice careful as he looks at Mend. "We will get him back. Let's go back to the Shatterdome. We need to make a plan."

"I _need_ to go in there and drag Newt out," Mend says, pulling away and standing.

"If the Marshall rejected your proposal, he likely knows something that _we_ don't. We need information and- and to _reconnoitre_ ," Hermann grabs Mend's hand and squeezes it tightly. "We _will_ get him back. We _will_."

"Can we get a copy of that footage? I feel like I'm gonna need it to remind _Hermann_ of what's at stake," Mend says, looking at the guy. "And what's your name? Gonna need to know it if I'm going to be tutoring you."

"Jason Hsu," he says, looking at the computer with a frown. "I will need to discover how to take that piece. I will email it to you?" He pulls a notepad and pen from the side of the desk and gestures for Mend to write his address down.

"Uh, sure," Mend leans down and writes with care before straightening and angling the pad towards Hermann. "Are there any spelling errors? Um. Just want to be sure. It's important."

"It's all correct," Hermann says, placing a hand at the small of Mend's back.

"Great. Uh, so, that's it. My email. At the Shatterdome. I'll put out some feelers when I've got time, see if anyone in your area needs some help. It'd probably be an internship or something, but that stuff looks good on a CV, right?" Mend says, looking down and pulling a face - he's been with the PPDC so long, he can't remember the last time he had to provide a Curriculum Vitae anywhere.

"It will be helpful," Jason says and leads them out to the front of the store. "I have exams in three weeks. I will let you know the classes when I email."

"Sweet. I'll do what I can. Video conferencing good for you? I don't know when I'll have time to leave the Shatterdome, and if there's an attack, all bets are off," Mend says and waits for Jason to unlock the door. 

"I will take the help I can get," Jason says, pulling the door open and watching them walk out.

Once they're outside - the sun setting and casting dark, eerie shadows over the features of Reckoner's skull - Mend stops and watches as the members of the kaiju cult light the torches in the mouth.

"Not tonight," Hermann says, guiding Mend to turn and walk away.

"Not ever if you have your way," Mend says, shrugging out from under Hermann's hand.

"I will admit that I do not want you to go in there, and I won't apologise for that," Hermann says, striding to keep up with Mend. "If I had my way, _he_ wouldn't be in there. I will do everything I can to make sure you _don't_ have to go in there, while making sure that we can get Newt back."

"I want to believe you," Mend says, shrugging his shoulders and shoving his hands into his pockets. "But I think you're just going stop me from going in there regardless. You got me to walk away, congratulations, but that doesn't meant I'm letting this go."

"Of course not, you _idiot_ ," Hermann growls. "I'm trying to _help_ you."

"Sure," Mend says with a snort and then stops in his tracks. "You know what, fuck it. I'm going in there now. No amount of fucking research is going to make this any easi-"

"Mendelssohn, stop," Hermann says, grabbing Mend by the shoulder and walking him backward until he's pressed up against the nearest wall. "You are forever telling me that when you get stressed you make stupid decisions. _This is a stupid decision_. You don't know the _first thing_ about that cult. Do they have an initiation procedure? Do they practice self-flagellation? What are their punishments for stepping out of line? Answer me that? What are they going to _do_ to you if they find out you are not sincere? What are they going to do to _Newt_ if they catch you? You cannot just barge in there half-cocked and expect everything to work out. _I will not let you_."

Mend stares at Hermann, fire raging up his spine and coiling in the back of his throat like a snake ready to strike. He's taking a breath to let Hermann have it when he sees it - fear. In the whites of Hermann's eyes, in the grip of his fingers on Mend's shoulder, in the helpless shaking of his limbs and the way he's pressing Mend up against the wall as though he could physically stop him from going. 

Mend stutters and starts, meaningless, aborted sounds trapped in his mouth and then he's gulping and looking away. "He joined a cult to get away from us, Hermann. How does that not make you mad?"

"His worldview has been shattered," Hermann says, voice strained. "I don't believe he was running away from us. I believe he was running away from himself."

"From me," Mend says in a small voice. He hadn't wanted to vocalise it, to make it real, but it has to be true.

"From _himself_ , his position in the world. Not you, specifically." Hermann loosens his grip on Mend's shoulder, watching his face as he slides an arm around him in comfort. "I don't think he would run away from us if he felt he had a choice."

Mend's can feel the tension running through his body, tightening his arms and neck, making his fingers hurt where he's balling his fists too hard. "You really think that?"

"I do," Hermann says and pulls Mend to him, pressing his head against his shoulder and stroking his hair. "I can't imagine how he must be feeling; to be told that you're a copy of yourself? We _must_ take care with how we proceed, or we could lose him forever."

Mend buries his face in Hermann's chest, squeezing his eyes shut and ignoring the way his glasses dig into his cheeks. He wraps his arms around Hermann and holds on as the sounds of people and traffic slowly begin to work their way back into his awareness.

"Let's go back to the Shatterdome," Mend says in a tired voice, raising his head to look up at Hermann. "How are we even going to find anything out? I could barely find a thing when I wrote the proposal two years ago. All I knew was that there was a cult in the remains of Reckoner and I wanted in."

Hermann turns Mend into the flow of traffic and starts walking. "We'll start with Wikipedia-"

" _Wikipedia_? Are you kidding me?" Mend says, looking up at Hermann with an incredulous expression.

"We will _start_ with Wikipedia and mine the citations and references. That will give us a starting point and lead us to more information. I'm sure a lot has changed since you prepared your proposal."

"True," Mend concedes. "Do you have a timeframe on this? How long are you going to make us research before we can get him out?"

"I fear that if I say 'as long as it takes' you will dig your heels in," Hermann says with a twist of his lips. "I don't know how long it will take. I don't have the slightest clue what information is available. We will go back, eat, and find what we can."

"You're not going to make us wait until after we've eaten to start are you?" Mend asks, features wary.

"I'll get us dinner while you head to the lab to set up," Hermann says as they reach the bus stop. "You can start the research. It may not be a physical action, but remember: reading _is_ doing. We will fortify ourselves with knowledge so that they will not be able to bring us down."

"Maybe I should look at the wikipedia page for Ass Kicking," Mend says as the bus pulls up and they step on.

"Maybe we should not keep this to ourselves; an outsider's perspective might be of use. Especially an outsider with no emotional investment in the situation." Hermann pays their fare and they file down to the back of the bus where they manage to get a seat.

"Tendo? He does have higher clearance than us," Mend says, considering the possibility.

"Perhaps," Hermann says, glancing around the bus. "We'll speak more of it when we get back." 

Mend quirks an eyebrow at him and Hermann gestures to the other people around them.

The rest of the trip back is made in silence, Mend staring out the window with a pensive frown, feeling thin and stretched and helpless.

When they get back, they head in separate directions; Hermann to the commissary, Mend to the labs.

Mend clears off a space in his alcove, setting up his and Hermann's laptops and sitting down to start the search.

Ten minutes later there's a knock on the door and the unmistakeable sound of the Marshall clearing his throat. Mend shoots to his feet and bolts to stand in front of him, wide-eyed and breathless.

"Marshall, sir, hi, uh. How was L.A.?" 

"Dr. Geiszler," Pentecost says, looking Mend up and down before quickly surveying the room. "Where is the other Dr. Geiszler?"

"Newt? He's, um, running some errands in the city. Uh, yeah, not sure when he'll be back," Mend says, scratching the back of his neck as Hermann walks in through the door.

"Ah, Marshall," he says as he sets their dinner on the coffee table in his meeting alcove so he can salute. "What brings you down here, sir?"

"At ease, Dr. Gottlieb. I'm here to speak to Mendelssohn," he says with a nod to Hermann before fixing Mend with a piercing stare. "You can debrief me and send Newt up to see me if he doesn't return before you're finished."

"If he doesn't return..." Hermann says, narrowing his eyes at Mend.

"Yes, Hermann. From his _errands_. In the _city_ ," Mend says, squaring his shoulders and staring at Hermann challengingly.

"His _errands_ ,' Hermann says, voice low and even as he steps towards Mend menacingly.

Mend's fists are balling at his sides and he's trying to work out how to say _shut the fuck up, Hermann_ without giving anything away to the Marshall or resorting to Pig Latin, when Pentecost clears his throat.

"Where is Newt, Dr. Geiszler?"

"In the city," Mend says quickly. It's not a lie. He's not lying.

" _Where_ in the city?"

"I don't know?" Still not a lie. Technically. He doesn't _know_ know, even though he _knows_. But the Marshall doesn't know what Mend thinks he knows and-

"Dr. Geiszler, you have ten seconds to tell me what you know, or I will make sure all the best kaiju specimens are earmarked for Anchorage, do I make myself clear?" Pentecost takes a step forward, towering over Mendelssohn.

" _Anchorage?!_ Nonono, you can't do that, you'll set us back _years_! Sheng is slow and an idiot and most importantly _wrong_! And Crawford and Hastings aren't any better. They're going to-" 

"We believe he's joined the Kaiju Cult in the Reckoner's remains," Hermann says, stepping in and talking over Mend, ignoring the way Mend hits him on the shoulder and sputters incomprehensible syllables of anger at him. "I convinced Mendelssohn to return with me so we could research them and work out a plan to _rescue_ Newt, for lack of a better word."

" _Silence_ ," Pentecost barks at Mend, glaring at him before he begins to pace. "This places both you and your clone under suspicion-"

"He's not my _clone_ ," Mend butts in. "That's exactly the problem! Everything's been turned upside down and now he thinks that he's the lesser version of me, but he's _not_."

"You know this because he told you?" Pentecost asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, no. He kind of... ran off before we could get to that. But-" 

"And this makes his actions less suspicious," Pentecost says, eyes boring into Mend and making him feel small. "I have to put the security of this base - of this _planet_ \- first. You and your clone currently present a high threat level."

"He's _not_ a threat! He's _me_ and-"

"He is an alien organism with your features who has gone AWOL and is believed to be in the company of a doomsday cult dedicated to the eradication of our species. His ability to infiltrate this base and gain access to classified information _makes_ him a threat." 

"You think he's, what? A sleeper agent? For the kaiju? A sleeper agent for the _giant monsters who are trying to destroy us with brute force_?“ Mend sputters and he's stalking forward to stare up at Pentecost defiantly. "He's a guy who's just been told he's not who he thought he was. He's _freaking the fuck out_. Talk to any of the psychologists, watch any mistaken identity movie—that shit will fuck up even the most stable of people. He's _going_ to come back. Or I'm going to bring him back. Whichever comes first. He hasn't betrayed us. _I_ haven't betrayed us."

Pentecost grits his teeth, jaw clenching as he breathes through his nose at an even pace.

"The BuenaKai are not _just_ a kaiju cult. They are devout, they wholly believe the Kaiju are humanity's punishment, they are fanatics," Pentecost says walking forward and making Mend stumble back. "They are also a front for black market supply. They are well funded and well connected. Their novices and initiates are put to work mining Reckoner's bones. Most are never seen again; their conviction that the end is nigh dulling them into a state of mindless servitude. They give up. Unless Newt manages to get himself out - not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination - chances are he will have to stay there."

"With all due respect, sir," Hermann says, stepping forward and levelling a glare at Pentecost, the intensity of which Mend had never imagined Hermann would dare in the Marshall's presence. "Why would you tell an obviously distraught man who, as of an hour ago, has been planning a rescue mission for which he is _clearly_ unprepared, that his cause is hopeless? Everything about Dr. Geiszler tells us, in no uncertain terms, that he is reckless with his own safety and stubborn to the point of mulishness. You don't need a psychological profile to understand _that_ about his character."

"With all due respect, _Dr. Gottlieb_ ," Pentecost says, staring down at Hermann with steely eyes. "Both Dr. Geiszlers, and yourself, were put on watch the second you arrived back at base. Neither of you will set foot outside the Shatterdome until this situation has been resolved."

"What? No. You can't just- You're just going to leave him in there?" Mend demands, stomach flipping as rage sets it to churning.

"For now, yes," Pentecost says and holds up a hand. "I'll have security look into the possibility of an extraction, but it will take time and _you_ will not be part of the process. That is all, gentlemen. If you try to leave the Shatterdome, you will be escorted to the brig. By force, if necessary."

Pentecost gives them both one last, hard look and exits, leaving Hermann gripping Mend's chest to keep him from running after him and making things worse.

"You're not going to stop, are you?" Hermann asks when Mend stops struggling and sputtering.

" _No_ ," Mend says, voice low and belligerent as he yanks Hermann's fingers out of his shirt and stalks into his alcove.

"Show me what you found while I was getting dinner," Hermann says, picking up their food and following. "It shouldn't be too hard to make a cross-referenceable spreadsheet."

"You're going to help me?" Mend asks, looking at Hermann as he lowers himself to the couch beside him and hands him his food. There was part of him that expected an argument, for Hermann to demand that Mend _listen_ to the Marshall. This... was unexpected.

"Of course," Hermann says, digging into his pockets for cutlery. "The PPDC only has jurisdiction within the Shatterdome. It could take _weeks_ to liaise with the HKP and what's left of the military to organise a raid. If there's a chance we can get him out sooner, I wish to take it."

"Fuck, _yes_ ," Mend says, pulling his computer into his lap and settling in with his food to start scrolling through pages.

They work through the night into the early hours, compiling everything they can find into a shared document. 

Mend vaguely remembers thinking that he'd just rest his eyes for a moment and then he's waking, crusty-eyed to the glare of his screen. Hermann's snoring beside him, head propped up on his hand, and the clock on the corner of his screen says seven-thirty-eight.

He scrubs at his face and puts his laptop on the coffee table, carefully shifting off the couch to grab a sweatshirt and ball it up. He does the same for Hermann's computer and then gently pushes him until he's lying along the couch.

"'m awake," he murmurs as he tries to sit up, but Mend pushes him back down.

"Sleep a little while longer. I'll go get us breakfast." He pulls the ratty blanket off the back of the couch and lays it over Hermann, leaning down to kiss his forehead and smiling as Hermann sighs and slips back to sleep without argument.

Stretching and yawning, he heads toward the commissary and at the door, stops, blinks and veers off, powering through the halls until he's at the front door.

"Dr. Geiszler, we're under strict orders not to let you leave," the guard at the checkpoint says, flipping the catch off his holster.

"I'm not going," Mend says, shaking his head and holding up his hands as he backs away. "I just want to wait and see if Newt comes back. He might... he might come back."

The guard narrows his eyes at him and points at a spot far away from the checkpoint. "You stand over there. You don't come anywhere _near_ the door. Don't think we won't use force to subdue you if you step out of line."

"No, I won't. I- I'm good. I'll just stay here." Mend shuffles back against the wall and stares out the door, biting his thumbnail.

He isn't even sure why he's there; he's ninety-nine percent sure that Newt's in Reckoner. But if there's even a tiny chance that Newt's going to come through that door, Mend's going to be there to yell at him. And then hug him within an inch of his life. And then yell at him some more.

The guards keep a close eye on him as the first busload of people come through, but Mend just stands on his toes, jumping from foot to foot to see over their heads and then slumps back against the wall when they're gone.

By the time the third bus comes, the guard's relatched his gun, but he's still staring at him. 

Mend looks at the guard helplessly. "Maybe tomorrow," he says with a sigh and a shrug before turning and heading back to the commissary.

"I thought you were getting breakfast?" Hermann says in a bleary tone when Mend walks in later.

"I did," he says, gesturing with the tray as he settles onto the couch and passes Hermann his breakfast.

"But that was hours ago." Hermann accepts the bowl of oatmeal and continues to stare at Mend with suspicion.

"I, uh, took a little detour. Wanted to see if- It's dumb. It's so _dumb_. We know he's at the temple. We know he didn't leave. He's not just going to catch a bus back." Mend pokes at his plate, making a half-hearted attempt to stab through his bacon with his plastic fork.

"There's always hope," Hermann says in a solemn tone, stirring his oatmeal with care. "Don't let go of that. This would all be so much simpler if he would simply _come back to us_ rather than having to go find him."

"We don't have to _find_ him. We know where he is; we have to _rescue_ his stupid ass. Drag him back kicking and screaming if necessary," Mend grumps, shoving some egg into his mouth.

"We will," Hermann says in a decisive tone. "Pardon me for saying so, but you can be a completely oblivious _idiot_ at times."

"What? What did I do?" Mend asks, jerking to stare at Hermann, eyes wide as his mind spins trying to work out what he's done this time.

"The _other_ you. _Newton_." Hermann gives Mend's knee a squeeze and shakes his head. "Honestly, running off and joining a cult? If I weren't so worried, I'd be disavowing all knowledge of him."

"We went over this at the temple," Mend says with a frown. "It's _dumb_ , sure, but there's logic to it. There's two of me and he thinks we can get by with only one. Before the Marshall dropped the black market bomb on us, I was so sure I'd be able to go in, snoop around for a few days and get out without a problem. Now..."

"Now, we keep looking. I vaguely remember seeing something about survivors who managed to extract themselves last night. I'm going to follow up on it today. You?"

"I think I was reading about the black market for kaiju parts... Seeing what kind of people the BuenaKai are dealing with," Mend shrugs and shoves the last of his bacon in his mouth. "There was some scary shit."

"I don't doubt you." Hermann shudders and puts his bowl on the table. "I need to go shower and brush my teeth; my mouth feels hairy. It's dreadful."

Mend watches him go and sighs as he finishes his breakfast.

The next three days pass in a slow, monotonous repetition of research and dead-ends. He feels like he's doing an elaborate literature review for a paper he knows will never be published. Hermann has to talk him down when the stress and anxiety grow too large in his head and he finds himself clinging and panting and apologising every time.

He finds himself at the front door every morning, waiting by the checkpoint in the hope that Newt might just stroll through and put an end to all the freaking out. The same guard is on duty every morning and by the third day just sighs and points to a position and lets him stay.

On the fourth day, just after lunch when Mend's trying to plough through another message board of conspiracy theories, Hermann finds a map.

"It's not an exceptionally _good_ map," Hermann says, angling the screen toward Mend. "It's rather old and, as you can see, written solely in Mandarin, but the source appears legitimate."

"How can you tell? Can you read it?" Mend asks, adjusting his glasses as he peers at the scratchy lines.

"Well, I can't be absolutely sure that it remained the same, but it came from the site of an architecture firm here in the city. As I understand it, this is the blueprint for the original temple. Whether or not they made any additions or changes in the intervening years, I can't be certain. But as we can see from the spreadsheet, it's dated a day before construction began," Hermann says, giving Mend a small smile, proud and pleased at his discovery.

"This is fucking awesome," Mend says, pulling Hermann's laptop toward him. "So, it's, what? The temple on top and a stairwell down to at least three basement levels? A large kitchen and eating area... prayer hall, senior quarters, dormitories... I'm making half this shit up, you know I don't read Mandarin, but I'm not wrong, am I?"

"Give me an hour and I can send you an approximately translated update," Hermann says, pulling his laptop back in a pointed manner.

"Sorry," Mend says, not sounding particularly apologetic. "This is a _huge_ step, man. We're so fricken' close."

"I'm sure the Marshall will appreciate all we can give him," Hermann murmurs, focussing on the screen and his notepad as he starts the translation.

"Yeah, sure, the Marshall. If it gets Newt out quicker, am I right?" Mend says, thankful that Hermann's distracted enough not to notice the edge in Mend's tone.

It's barely even a fully formed plan yet, but Hermann will _shit_ if he finds out. He has to already suspect, but as long as Mend can keep him focussed on the research, he might have a chance.

They've got information on the cultists themselves, the initiation ceremony, the vows, the work the initiates do, and now they have a _map_. That was it, the thing he'd been missing. 

When he gets the copy from Hermann, annotated in English in most places and question marks in others, he spends the rest of the night poring over it, memorising as much as he can. By the time Hermann's drowsing and Mend kisses the top of his head telling him to go to bed, he's almost sure.

"You should come, too. A decent night's sleep will do you good," Hermann says, resting on Mend's shoulder and looking up at him.

"I'm kinda twitchy." Mend shrugs. "I don't think I'm going to get any sleep until I literally pass out. You go; you need to sleep on an actual mattress."

"Do you mind if I go to yours? If there's a possibility of you coming, I want both of us to be able to _fit_ ," Hermann says with a smile.

"Sure, go for it," Mend says, feeling his guts twist as he returns Hermann's smile with a brittle one of his own.

"I promise you I won't go through your things and find out your terrible secrets," Hermann says in a teasing tone as he pushes himself up and stretches.

"You already know I'm part giant lizard, so I don't know what terrible secret you think I'm hiding," Mend says with an awkward laugh.

"We've all got secrets." Hermann leans over to press a kiss to Mend's cheek. "I'll see you when you come to bed," he says in firm tone, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

Mend can only raise his hands and shrug. "I'll see how it goes. I'll bring you breakfast if I don't come, how's that?"

"Passable," Hermann says as he pushes himself up. "Do try to get some sleep. We can't keep pushing on like this."

Mend makes a non-committal noise and watches as Hermann shakes his head and leaves.

Once he hears the door click shut, he grabs a notepad and starts copying the map. He spends hours copying and recopying it until he can do it without reference before he finally feels confident that he remembers it all.

It's five in the morning when he finishes and he spends the remaining time doing the hardest part; writing the email to Hermann.

At half-past seven, he sets the final draft up to be sent at ten. Providing everything goes right, he should be long gone by then.

He puts his phone, wallet, rings, bracelets, and ID badge in a box under the couch and leaves printouts for the care of Tesla and the other rats on their cages.

By eight, he's standing and staring out the front door, trying not to look jittery.

The guard sees him, shakes his head and goes back to his paperwork and Mend breathes a sigh of relief.

He's shaking a little, his insides are twisting into knots and he feels a little like he's going to be sick.

The first bus comes.

He's not expecting Newt to be on it. It takes all his effort to look hopeful as the throng of people pass by.

The second bus arrives and it's all the same.

His heart's pounding, blood rushing in his ears as the third bus arrives. He stands on his toes, looking and hoping, and then he sees it.

"Newt!" He yells and pushes through the people entering, bolting through the door and sprinting over the concrete.

His heart feels like it's going to burst, breath coming in heaving pants as he pushes himself past his ability and flies through the bus door just as it closes.

The bus driver shouts at him, but he digs into his pocket, grabbing the fare and tossing it into the receptacle and waving his hand as the bus pulls away.

He flops into a seat and stares out the back window, panting and heaving as the guards running out of the Shatterdome get smaller and smaller and disappear as they round a corner.

His breath comes back to him, but he can't stop staring in case they send people after him.

_The PPDC only has jurisdiction within the Shatterdome._ Hermann's voice comes to him, but it's no comfort when it's a choice between getting Newt back, or being thrown in the brig.

The bus continues on and soon he's in the Boneslum, getting off and hardly believing that it _worked_.

Hermann's going to be pissed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so. The Fit has hit the Shan. I've currently got a killer headcold and on top of that I'm coming up on a Massively Terrifying Deadline, so chapter posting is going to be a little sporadic until the end of October. Chapters will come during stress lulls.

_Hermann's going to be pissed._

Mend pushes the thought aside and makes his way to the temple as fast as he can, stopping outside and composing himself before he walks in.

It's dark at this time of day, no light shafting in through the eyeholes, only the burning sconces casting an eerie orange glow over the interior walls. He walks to the front and stares down at the offerings, breathing slowly and purposefully through his nose as he gathers himself.

When he feels ready, he walks to the nearest cultist and looks into the dark chasm cast by the hood over their face.

"I've come to submit myself to the inevitable."

The cultist holds up a hand and leaves him standing there, entering a door set into the side of the room and closing it after them.

Mend stares after them, trying to work out if he fucked up this early in the game. He looks toward the entrance and then back at the door; the PPDC knows where he is, he doesn't have any choice but to wait. He walks to a chair at the front of the room, sitting and staring at the altar with its burning candles and offerings and tries not to fidget as he waits.

Time moves slowly and he has no idea how long he's been waiting by the time the door opens again.

A figure stands, enshrouded in shadow, and gestures him in.

He moves as if on autopilot, shoving his hands into his pockets as he follows the cultist into the room. He can't tell if it's the same cultist as before, the shadows cast by the hoods make it impossible to differentiate them aside from gender.

"You see wisdom in the actions of the Kaiju?" The cultist asks, sitting at a table - the sole furnishing in the room - and gesturing to the opposite seat.

"We destroyed this world without them. We deserve what we get," Mend says in as tired a tone as he can manage, which is, admittedly, pretty tired. The words leave a nasty taste in his mouth and he has to push every part of him that sincerely believes they can win into a dark shadowy part of his mind.

"Why are you here?"

Mend sighs at the question, scrubs a hand over his face and looks into the shadow. "What's the point? We're all going to die. What's the point in working? What's the point in going on? I... I can't bring myself to end it, but I can't keep pretending anymore. I just want to wait for the end to come."

The hood inclines and they slide a piece of paper and a pen across the desk. 

It takes him a moment to realise what it means and then he's leaning forward and picking up the pen. He wants to read it, wants to know what the fuck he's getting himself into, but he knows that the kind of person who comes in here isn't thinking about the future and wouldn't give a shit what it says.

He writes the date and doesn't give a shit how messy his handwriting is as he scrawls _Felix Schwartz_ and makes up some random scribble to sign it.

The cultist takes the piece of paper and sets it aside. "Your name will be Bo to your brothers and sisters now." They stand and walk to a door that Mend didn't notice when they came in. "Come. We will give you robes and a bed and you will begin your life anew."

Mend follows them down a set of stairs to a lower level. The walls are unadorned and lit like some medieval period drama and they few people they see don't acknowledge them.

"This is the dining hall," they say as they pass a room full of tables and benches. "Meals are served at seven following morning meditation, midday, and seven p.m."

Mend tries not to shudder at the thought that he's going to have to be awake and functioning well before seven and something tells him they don't serve coffee.

"The bathrooms are communal," they say, gesturing to the other side of the hall. "You will be expected to wash every day. When is of your choosing."

They stop at another door and gesture for Mend to enter, before speaking to the people inside. "Bo is new to us and will need an induction kit."

The people inside look him up and down and rush around the room from shelf to shelf, gathering a pile of items and placing them on the table in front of him.

"These are your belongings now. If they are dirty, bring them to the laundry. If they are damaged, return them here for mending or a replacement," they say and turn to walk down the hall.

Mend scoops everything up and hurries to follow. They round three corners, his guide pointing out various places of interest along the way, before they arrive at a door.

"This will be your dormitory. We fill the rooms as needed; our last was filled a few days ago. You will be head of this room and will guide the new initiates we receive as the days draw destruction ever closer," they say, opening the door to a room with six beds and ushering him inside. "Do you have any questions?"

"Um, no? Not really? Wait, what will I _do_ here? What do I call you?" Mend says, putting his pile down carefully on one of the beds and turning to his guide.

"My name in this place is Kun. In the beginning, you will tend to this place that we may live out our last days in peace. As your time with us grows longer, your responsibilities may be revised. I would advise that you ask your questions now. Once you are in those robes, your month of solitude and silence will begin."

"Solitude and silence? Wait, what? What does that mean?"

"You will not speak for a month; your voice given in servitude to our masters and your thoughts to the destruction they will bring. You will exist in this place, but you will feel at once alone and surrounded. Your brothers and sisters have known this period, are knowing it now. It will make you stronger. Your robes of white will mark you as one who is contemplating. You will be issued new robes once your time is passed."

Mend swallows and nods. A month of silence? He's not sure he can do a minute. He closes his eyes for a moment, going over what he'd read about cults in his mind: _take away your name, take away your identity; take away your voice, take away your resistance. The fault is internalised._

Newt's in here somewhere. He can do this. 

"Will someone tell me what I'm supposed to be doing?" He asks, trying to work out exactly what he needs to know to get through this.

"I will show you after midmeal."

"Will I be punished if I speak before my time is up?"

"Only in your heart. Your time will begin anew from the moment you spoke and you will remain in the white until you have completed the full time," they say and Mend's heart drops at the thought of having to be silent for so long before he remembers that he's only here until he can get Newt _out_.

"I'm allowed to write, though. I mean, if there's something I need and I can't get it across through gestures?"

"If it is work or health related. You will know in your heart if you have overstepped."

_In your heart_. What the fuck is all this _in your heart_? Mend tries to keep his face blank and not just blurt out that this really doesn't seem like the big, evil black market front that Pentecost made it out to be. Of course, they're not exactly going to reach out with open arms and be all 'hey, here's the totally illegal shit we're doing, noob, come have a look,' but it still feels way too _nice._

He shakes his head when he realises he's staring off into space. "Uh... Are we allowed to socialize? I mean, facing the end of the world is lonely. Shouldn't we be facing it together?" Mend can't tell if that question's in line with their beliefs but it's out of his mouth before he can stop it.

"Once you have finished your time, you may befriend who you will, though many who come here do not wish for friendship. Solitude amongst those of similar minds is enough for some."

"Right. Um... I can't think of anything else right now. Can I write you a note if I have any more questions?" 

"A disciple will be available after each meal to answer any further questions. They wear the black sash with their robes, you will not miss them."

"What level are you? If I'm an initiate and the people who help me are disciples... Is there a handbook? Do you have this all written down somewhere so I don't get lost?"

"You experience much anxiety. It is good you came to us; the quiet will help calm you so you can greet the end with peace," they say and there's a hint of a smile in the tone. "I am an acolyte. There is no handbook. You will learn your way. Stay here, rest, and prepare yourself. You will hear a gong in a few hours time. Go to the dining hall and join those in the white. All will become clear with experience."

"What if there's a fire? Is there an evacuation procedure in place? I mean, I'm all for the kaiju destroying us, but I don't want to die in an unrelated fire," Mend says and he's channelling Hermann, he knows he's channelling Hermann, but he can't stop thinking worst case scenarios now that he's in the thick of it.

"It is the same as for any other building. Make your way to the exit, acolytes and disciples will be there to guide you," they place a hand on his shoulder. "Do not worry, Bo. Your transition to this life will be smooth. I will see you after midmeal."

They step back and bow before leaving the room and Mend's left alone with six empty beds and a thousand questions that won't go away.

He closes the door and stares at his 'induction kit', pulling bits and pieces out and pulling faces at them. There are two sets of white robes that are light and pilling; they're definitely not new. He has sheets and a blanket, a thin ratty pillow, a towel, a toothbrush, a stick of deodorant, socks and sandals.

He's pretty sure they want him to wear the socks _with_ the sandals. Ugh.

He makes his bed, grumbling all the while - if he's not allowed to speak in public, he's damn sure he's going to talk to himself while he's alone - and changes into his new robes. They hang strangely over his shoulders, and there's _way_ more room in the crotch than he's used to - it feels kind of obscene - but with the hood up he thinks he'll be able to blend in a little better. As long as he can pull faces and roll his eyes without being seen, he'll stay sane.

He's not sure what to do with his street clothes, so he shoves them in the pillowcase and sticks them in the bottom drawer beside the bed he's claimed as his own.

He sits on his bed and looks around the room, waiting for the gong. There's no clock on the wall, nothing to show that time is passing, and he starts to get antsy.

Looking at the door, he stands and pulls it open. He wasn't specifically _told_ that he couldn't look around.

Tugging his hood up, he steps into the hall and walks down to the next corner. There's no one around to give him an idea of what sort of pace he should be mimicking, so he leapfrogs from door to door, slowing down outside each one and surreptitiously peeking inside. 

The complex is bigger than he anticipated - they must have expanded since the initial structure was built - and by the time the gong finally rings, he's a little lost and overwhelmed.

He follows the people that file out into the hall and make their way to the dining hall, keeping his head bowed and his pace respectful. When he gets there, he tucks himself against the wall just inside the room so he can work out where the white is gathering. There's a group of around eighteen on one bench on the other side of the hall and he silently swears as he makes his way over - working out which one of them is Newt is going to be fricken hard if nobody lowers their hood. 

He takes a place at the end of the trestle table and is trying to get a look at the nearest faces without giving himself away when a gong is rung at the front of the room and the few people remaining standing take their places.

The room falls silent and a man stands at the front behind a table on a raised dais. He's dressed in the vivid blues and dark greens of the kaiju, robes intricately embroidered and more ornate than all the others. Mend knew the cult had to have a leader, but he hadn't been able to find anything beyond 'male and in his late fifties'.

The man speaks in a slow and sonorous tone before sitting and Mend really needs to work on his Cantonese because he's pretty sure the guy didn't get everyone to be silent so he could say _possible damages to all_.

Everything remains quiet as workers in pale orange robes move around the room, serving food onto the plates set in front of the cult members. Everyone gets the same thing, there seems to be no room for preference. 

Nearly fifteen minutes later, the workers arrive at his table with the food and not a single person in white has lowered their hood. Mend has little idea who he's sitting with - Newt could be right beside him for all he knows - and the only sounds he can hear are cutlery against plates and the sounds of the servers shuffling from person to person. Nobody has lowered their hoods and it takes everything Mend has not to groan into his noodle soup.

When they finish, and Mend's given up on trying to see people's faces and focussed on his soup, the leader stands again. Mend wishes he had a babelfish because what he ends up with is _came to destruction for us, your heart send our voice to darkness_.

Everyone not in white recites it back and then begin to make their way out of the room. 

Mend hangs back to wait for Kun and pretends not to be super interested in trying to peek up people's hoods as they pass.

"I am pleased to see you settling in," Kun says, walking toward him as the room clears out.

He's going to assume he's recognisable because he's the only one in white not going anywhere, and not that Kun has x-ray vision given to them by cult experimentation. He opens his mouth to respond and snaps it shut when he remembers he's supposed to be silent.

"Come. I will show you to your designation." Kun turns and leads him through the people and into the hall.

He has to pay very close attention to which orange and red cultist he's following - there were at least thirty in the hall, and there are four going in the same direction as them right now - and he's annoyed that the years of training he went through to automatically say 'sorry' whenever he bumps into someone is in the process of coming undone. He has to bite back every one and if he doesn't get Newt out of here in a few days, he's going to get punched when he fucks up and forgets in the real world.

He's led to the end of a hall and into a room, where a cultist is walking between shelves with a clipboard.

"Destruction will come, Heng," Kun says as they stop inside the door.

"May our ruin be swift, Kun," Heng replies, lowering the clipboard and turning to face them.

That was a greeting. That's how they greet each other. Mend suddenly thinks something he's never thought before in his life: he wishes he were an _anthropologist_. Then this might actually be interesting and not a ludicrous display of the fragility of sanity in stressful times.

"This is Bo. He is new to us today. Help him so he may find his place." Kun bows to Heng and turns to Mend. "Seek out an acolyte after meals if you need guidance. Destruction will come, Bo." Kun bows again and leaves.

"More take the white each day," Heng says, gesturing for Mend to follow him. "We will need to expand again, soon."

Mend stays silent. Maybe there is an upside to not being allowed to speak: no need to make small talk with the crazy cultists.

"You are charged with the maintenance of this place. We are mostly of the white, though some of the orange prefer these tasks to others and are also on this team. I will give you your daily assignments and you will serve." Heng leads Newt to a closet in the back of the room. "The floors are cleaned daily, mopped weekly, polished monthly - the bathrooms twice a week. We manage everything from light bulbs to repairs. If you need an item, come to me. You will need this." He takes a notepad and pencil from one of the shelves and hands it over. "Keep your silence; your heart will know your deception. It took me three months to take the white. It is not so easy, but you have support."

Mend nods and puts the notepad in his pocket and waits for Heng to continue.

"Today, you will sweep. Learn the layout of the halls. Find your way. Embrace your home." Heng hands Mend a broom and gestures to an empty bin. "Take that and a dustpan. Work your way around the perimeter. You will hear a gong sound in the early evening that indicates you have fifteen minutes before our main meal is served. Return the bin before the second gong rings and you will be free to go to meditation after you have eaten." Heng passes him a broom and gestures to the door.

Mend bows and picks up the bin, heading out into the hall. Figures that he'd join a cult and be made janitor. 

He sweeps his way around the complex and whenever someone passes, he kneels down to scoop up the dirt so he can try and peek under their hoods. He wants to assume that Newt's in the white, too, but he doesn't know what the situation is; maybe Newt told them who he really was and he got bumped up a notch or two so he'd be a good hostage if shit ever went down.

Or he might be overselling himself. He thinks he's super important; most of the brass probably just think he's a weirdo with a bone for the enemy.

He keeps sweeping until he hears the gong sound and hurries to drop the bin back before heading to dinner. Joining the white group, he tries not to fidget. He's been here nearly twelve hours and he's still got nothing. He tries to remind himself that he thought it'd take at least a few days, but he can't deny that he'd hoped to miraculously find Newt within the first few hours and haul his ass back home.

He stops trying to get a look at the other initiates' faces and focuses on their hands throughout the meal. His tattoos are peeking out the end of his sleeves, so Newt's should be, too. 

Of the five people sitting around him, he can't see anything and he has to resist the urge to drop his head to the table and thunk it a few times. Mostly because it'll draw attention to him, but also because he doesn't want to drown in his noodle soup. 

He falls asleep during meditation, so he has no idea if there were any telltale signs of Newt during the _three hours_ they spend sitting silently. He's so exhausted from running on adrenalin and not getting much good sleep for the days leading up to his escape from the Shatterdome that when everybody files out, he goes back to his room - of which he's still the only occupant - and doodles a copy of the map and its subsequent additions in the back of his notebook until he passes out.

The next few days pass the same way. He rises with the morning gong and spends every possible moment trying to locate Newt. He sweeps the halls, scrubs the grout in the bathrooms, replaces light bulbs, and fixes cracks in the wall, but all he gets is more frustrated. His throat is tight from holding his tongue and not even the random sounds he makes into his pillow at night are enough to make the tension go away.

He's sick of eating runny oatmeal for breakfast, and the same flavour of ramen for every other meal. He doesn't know how these people haven't all lost their shit and started to bring forth a little of the destruction they've got such a hard-on for.

There's a part of him that thinks that maybe Newt's already lost it and broken out and now he's back at the Shatterdome with Hermann and neither of them are worried about all the shit he's going through to get Newt back. There are multiple times when he considers throwing in the towel and just busting straight out and seeing sunlight and eating food that he has to _chew_ , but he can't be sure that Newt's _not_ here, so he shoves it all down and keeps sweeping.

In the end, it's the ramen that saves him.

He's surprised it didn't happen sooner with the way he usually eats.

It's a typical lunch; the food is beige for the taste buds and the conversation is non-existent. He's trying not to sigh as he spoons the soup into his mouth when he misses and dribbles it down the front of his robes. He absently wipes it off and thinks nothing of it, but as he's walking out a disciple stops him.

"You are new so understand that this is not a reprimand, simply an advisement: though we welcome the destruction of the dark lords, we still exist in this world. One day, you may represent us in the temple or in the streets and as such your appearance must be beyond reproach. We are feared, not respected, outside these walls. We cannot give anyone reasons to undermine our cause. Change into your spare robes and have those laundered at once."

The disciple points a finger and Mend can only nod meekly and scurry down the hall. 

He rushes to his room and changes; he's brought attention to himself, now they're going to be watching him and they're going to start breaking his spirit. If he wasn't on borrowed time before, he is now.

He bundles everything up and takes it to the laundry, keeping his head down and holding his robes close to his chest so no one can see the stain.

There's no one in sight when he enters so he raps his knuckles on the nearest table and waits.

One of the initiates comes out from the back room, the sound of washing machines and dryers rising and falling as the door opens and closes. They're in the white, so Mend just dumps his things on the table in front of them and points at the stain.

The initiate flattens the robe on the table, spreading it out so the extent of the stain is visible. His sleeves ride up and Mend has to resist the urge to punch him.

He hasn't been able to find Newt because he's been doing the cultists fucking laundry.

" _You fucking asshole_ ," Mend hisses, grabbing Newt's wrist and squeezing it tight enough that he can feel the bones grinding together.

"Wha-? Fuck. Shit. _Fuck_. I can explain," Newt whispers back, trying to prise Mend's fingers off.

"Explain what? That you freaked the fuck out and _ran away_? What the fuck is there to explain?!" 

The door to the back room opens and Mend jerks his hand back, pulling it up into his sleeve so he can clench his fists without drawing attention to himself. 

Newt busies himself with the robe, fingers spread and pressing it down as he stares at the table.

Another initiate starts folding robes on a table in the corner and doesn't appear to be leaving any time soon, so Mend huffs angrily out through his nose and yanks out his notepad.

_Janitor's closet._  
_End of the third hall after meditation._  
_Be there, buttface._

He tears it off the pad and shoves it at Newt, staring at him until he hears a sigh and sees him nod.

Mend pokes him hard in the shoulder and storms out.

He heads back to grab his bucket and broom, stomping over and yanking them toward the door, and Heng puts a hand on his shoulder.

"It was not a judgement of you, Bo," Heng says in an understanding voice. "Merely a reminder of your place in the world. The disciples guide us so that we may not require punishment in the future."

Mend lets his head hang and clenches his teeth. At least he doesn't have to try and lie his way out of this shit; score one for mandatory silence.

"Focus on your work. Let the destructive power of your anger drive you forward and know that all of us will succumb to destruction in the end." Heng pats Mend on the shoulder and walks away.

If he weren't such a staunch devotee of a doomsday cult, Mend might actually like Heng.

Mend sweeps his way around the compound, lifting up a dust storm that he feels accurately reflects the storm clouds forming over his head. He sits through dinner; glaring at all the others in white and hoping some of his rage hits the right person.

He counts that night's meditation as his most successful yet, spending the entire three hours staring at the front of the room and going over _exactly_ how he's going to give Newt the verbal smack down of his life. 

A few people move away from him, but he tells himself it's just the sheer power of his aura making them cower. That, and he might be huffing every ten seconds.

When meditation finishes, he goes straight to the janitor's closet and slips in, pulling down his hood and standing in the dark to wait. Ten minutes later, the door opens and Mend yanks Newt inside, closing the door before turning on the light.

" _You ran away and joined a fucking cult._ **You** ran **away** and **joined a fucking cult**. You are the biggest fucking deadshit dumbass I've ever known. You freaked the shit out of Hermann and you terrified _me_. What the fuck were you thinking? Which part of 'I need time to think' translates to 'I _‘_ m _going to join a fucking doomsday cult'_?!" Mend stands there panting, his throat hurts from all the forced angry whispering after so long in silence and all the rage and fear he'd been holding back since he'd found out where Newt had gone.

Newt's shoulders just slump as he pulls down his hood and looks at Mend in defeat.

"I have a good reason," Newt says, voice cracking as he holds up his hands.

"It better not be the 'good reason' I gave to fucking Pentecost before I broke out of the fucking Shatterdome. Because the 'good reason' I gave fucking _Pentecost_ before I _broke out of the fucking Shatterdome_ was _fucking stupid_."

"Dude, there's _two_ of me now and-"

"Oh no. Oh, no no no _no_ no. No. Nope. Nuh uh. You are not fucking _expendable_. There's two of me and _that's just how it is now_. Neither one of us is worth less and _neither one of us_ is going to be a fucking _martyr_ ," Mend spits, pushing Newt's shoulder roughly. "Pentecost thinks you're a sleeper agent, did you know that? Of course you didn't, because _you ran the fuck away_. He thinks you're working for the fucking _kaiju_. And the only thing that stopped Hermann from losing his shit was the fact that he was trying to stop _me_ from losing my shit. He's going to be so fucking pissed when we get back and you **are** coming back."

"But I haven't even seen a quarter of this place yet! You've got to let me stay so I can see the rest of the skeleton. I've-"

"You're not going to see the fucking skeleton. Okay? You'd have to be here for years to get those kinds of privileges and by that time, it's going to be gone," Mend says and Newt looks at him in confusion. "They're _mining_ it and selling it on the black market. How do you think they bought all those fucking orange robes? They've been chipping away at it for five fucking years." 

"But-"

"No. Fucking _no_. Stop talking about the fucking cult and fucking Reckoner. It's irrelevant. Don't you give a shit about Hermann? Fucking _years_ we've been hoping for this. All that pining-"

"We didn't pine for years," Newt cuts in and Mend shoves him.

"We pined. There was intermittent pining. Stop changing the fucking subject. He fucking _cares_ and now he's back at the Shatterdome and we're here wearing fucking hooded robes and pretending we want the kaiju to fucking _win_. We are breaking the fuck out tonight and that's fucking that."

"I can't," Newt says, shaking his head. "I can't go back."

"Why the fuck not?"

Newt huffs and looks down at his hand. He's silent for a long time before Mend shoves him in the shoulder again and Newt glares at him. 

"I'm not- I can't- I'm not _real_. I can't handle it. I can't handle everyone knowing that... that I'm a _fake_. I don't know how to be _you_."

"You fucking moron," Mend says, scrubbing a hand down his face and looking at Newt. He holds up an arm, shifting forward until he can sling it over Newt's shoulder and tug him into a hug. "You don't have to be me. You're _you_. You're _Newt_."

"I'm not. Not anymore. Not now that we _know_ ," Newt says, shaking his head as he tries to pull away. "I'm not- I don't have a brain. My brain is not my fucking _brain_."

"Your brain _is_ your fucking brain, you idiot. Your brain is _better_ than my brain. It's never going to rot away, it's never going to-"

"It's a _copy_. It's going to corrupt and-"

"You don't know that," Mend says, hugging Newt tighter. "We don't know that."

"How did you handle this? How did you not fucking _lose it_? I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was going to look at me, how they were going to react. It's real, it's- This is all happening and I didn't know what to do and then Reckoner was in front of me and- and it made _sense_. If I was here I didn't have to be compared to you, I didn't have to get used to people calling me Mend. I didn't-"

"No one's going to call you Mend, okay? _I'm_ Mend. I'm used to it," Mend says, pressing his forehead against Newt's. "It changes you. The uncertainty; the surety. It's... I'm _not_ Newt anymore. I can't go back to being him any more than you can start being _me_. You're Newt, buddy. You're _always_ going to be Newt."

Newt buries his face in Mend's shoulder, fingers digging into Mend's shoulder blades. Mend can feel a slight dampness where his face is pressed, but he can't tell if it's moisture from his breath or tears.

"You're okay, buddy. You're gonna be okay. We're going to go back to the Shatterdome, take whatever punishment Pentecost deals out to us, and then we're going to work all this shit out and make it up to Hermann," he says, kissing the top of his head. "That last part might take a few months. Maybe years."

"He's that pissed at me?" Newt asks, looking up at Mend, eyes wide and dewy.

"He's _scared_ for you. He's pissed at _me._ Well... he wasn't before I left, but he will be _now_."

"You snuck out and didn't leave a note, didn't you?" Newt says with a sigh.

"I left a note! Well, an email... sort of." Mend shrugs. "It sent about and hour after I left. And when I sent him to bed, I kind of promised I'd bring him breakfast."

"He's never going to forgive us," Newt says, dropping his head back to Mend's shoulder. 

"He's never going to forgive _me_. I'm probably going to be sleeping on the couch in the lab for a month. You're going to get wrapped up and coddled. I'm clearly the evil twin."

"Ha. Funny with the poking at a tender spot. Nice one," Newt says, starting to pull away but Mend wraps his arms around him tighter, unwilling to let him go. "I'm not running away again." Newt sighs and runs a hand over Mend's shoulder. "And if I do, you know where I am and you know my designation."

"Oh god, we _have_ to get out of here; we're using the lingo," Mend groans.

"Destruction will come," Newt says in a solemn tone.

"May our ruin be swift," Mend replies and shakes his head. "Just... Let me..." He leans in and kisses Newt, cupping the back of his head and sighing as their lips meet. "We had the love talk. It was a thing that happened and literally _nothing_ has changed for me. I was fucking worried about you, man. That's how _I_ know it's love and not just an ambient awareness of future orgasms."

"It's not that simple," Newt says, closing his eyes.

"I know it isn't, but we're gonna _work through it_. I can't just run away from you instead of dealing with it, and I don't _want_ to." Mend pulls away and cups Newt's cheek. "We're going to get out of here and we're going to be adults about this. I spoke to Katz about getting us an appointment with whoever's in charge of the Jaeger pilots' therapy. We're gonna get help and we're gonna work shit out. We're going to come out the other side smelling like roses. You and me and hopefully Hermann."

Newt looks at Mend, lips twisting as he nods reluctantly. "You and me and hopefully Hermann," he says with a sigh, but he doesn't sound convinced. "How are we getting out of here? When?"

"After lights out? We meet in the bathroom closest to the stairs?" Mend watches as Newt pulls away and shoves his hands into the pockets of his robes.

"You think we're just going to walk out of here?"

"I think we're going to sneak as far as we can and then run like hell the rest of the way," Mend says with a decisive nod. "You remember the plan? Any one comes at us, I'll jump on their back, you punch them in the throat."

"What if there's more than one?"

"We punch them in the junk and run like hell. If there's a lot of people after us, follow me and we'll hide out in Jason's shop."

"Who's Jason? What shop?" Newt looks at Mend confused.

"We tutor Jason now. Well, _you_ tutor Jason now, since it's your fault we're in his debt. He works at one of the porn stores nearby. They've got a camera that points straight at the entrance to the temple."

"You were _spying_ on me?!" Newt says, putting his hands on his hips and glaring at Mend.

" _We were tracking you down_ ," Mend huffs. "And it worked. We found you, and now I'm taking you home." He eyes Newt with suspicion. "You're not going to back out, are you? Because if you don't meet me in the bathroom, I'm _staying_ and I will harass you ev-"

"I'm coming, I'm coming, but- Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shitfuck. I'd have done the same thing. I'm just- I'm pissed and I'm tired and the food sucks and these robes itch and I want to go home. _Home_ -home. Back before we found out. I want- I don't want to have to deal with this anymore." 

"I don't either, man. But we are where we are. Let's just go home and start unraveling it all, 'kay?" He leans in and kisses Newt's cheek, rubbing his back for comfort. "One step at a time, buddy. We'll make it."

"Okay," Newt sighs and looks at the door. "Bathroom by the stairs at lights out?"

"Bathroom by the stairs at lights out," Mend agrees. "And if you're not there, I won't go. I'll stay in these itchy robes until I can drag you out of here kicking and screaming."

"I don't want to stay," Newt says, shaking his head. "If the skeleton's that badly damaged, there's no point. I... I want to go home to you and Hermann."

"Glad to hear it," Mend says with a smile. "We should get out of here before we get caught. I'll see you in the bathroom." Mend kisses Newt again, flips up his hood, and slips out the door, quickly adjusting his stride to a more slow and deliberate step when he sees some disciples round the corner.

When he gets back to his room, there's someone else sitting on a bed in the far corner and he has to resist the urge to swear. They're in the white, so they only nod when they see him but he has to rearrange his plans in his head. 

The fact that they're new means they're unlikely to raise an alarm until the morning, and the whole silence thing means there'll be few details. But now he's going to have to leave his street clothes and two people in white robes is going to stick out a hell of a lot more than just one when they get to the Boneslums.

He sits on the edge of his bed, looking through his things to see if there's anything he should take with him, and then climbs into bed fully robed and pulls the covers up, pretending to sleep. Shortly after, he hears the five-minute gong and the sound of the new initiate looking around frantically. The lights dim over the next five minutes and he hears the new initiate calm down and get into their own bed.

After it's been dark for a few minutes, Mend sits up, toes on his sandals and heads out of the room. He walks swiftly through the halls, holding his stomach in case anyone thinks to stop him, and ducks into the bathroom. 

It's silent. He'd fixed the taps on the second day and now there's not even a drip to break the quiet. He ducks into a cubicle and waits, feeling his stomach drop as the minutes tick by. He's about to give up and go back to his dorm, mentally composing the rant he's going to spring on Newt next time he sees him, when he hears a shuffle at the door and Newt clearing his throat.

"You asshole," Mend hisses as he comes out of the cubicle. "I thought you'd changed your mind."

"I got stopped in the hall by a disciple. Had to convince them I was about to shit myself. Through _mime_ ," Newt whispers back, anger evident in the sharpness of his tone.

"There are still disciples in the halls? I thought they didn't start sweeps until midnight," Mend says trying to mentally recalculate his plan.

"It was just one asshole on a power trip," Newt says with a sneer. "Acolytes do the sweeps. Disciples just sit on their asses and judge people."

"Okay, so we should still be cool. We've got about half an hour until the first sweep starts. How do you want to play this?" 

"I thought you _had_ a plan," Newt says, looking at once worried and accusatory.

"I _do_ have a plan, but I thought you might have a better one. You've been here longer!" Mend retorts, punching Newt in the shoulder.

"Yeah, and I didn't want to _leave_. Why would I know anything? Tell me your fucking plan."

"Sheez," Mend says, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head at Newt. "We get to the stairs and get out of here. Listen for sounds of people and hide when necessary. If anyone finds us, run."

"That's your plan? That's it? That's the _entire_ fucking plan?" Newt says, staring at Mend, incredulous.

"Dude, we don't have any weapons, and even if we did, we'd be _shit_ at using them. Everything we know about stealth, we learned from _Assassin's Creed_. We're not cut out for espionage and shit and you know it."

"Fine. What if we get caught?" 

"In short? We're fucked," Mend says with a shrug. "Pentecost might have been working on something to get you out of here, but I'm on his shitlist so I have no clue what it is. It may take them a while, so we either try to break out again, or wait for the cavalry."

"Fuck, man. We're screwed," Newt says, shoulders slumping.

"Let's just try it and see how it goes. What have we got to lose?"

"Our lives?"

"Shut the fuck up. Are you ready?" Mend asks and peeks out into the hall checking to see that it's clear.

"No," Newt says in a disgruntled tone and shoves Mend's shoulder. "Let's get this over with."

Mend tugs Newt's sleeve and slips out into the hall, tiptoeing to the corner and glancing around. He hears Newt stepping up behind him and puts a hand on his chest to hold him back, holding a finger to his mouth to keep him quiet as a pair of acolytes turn the corner further down the hall.

He holds up a hand for Newt to wait and ducks across the hall, opening the door to the stairs and checking to make sure it's clear before waving his hand for Newt to follow. Easing the door shut, he turns and tiptoes after Newt to the top of the stairs, taking a moment to catch his breath and centre himself.

Four hours of meditation a day was apparently helpful. Who knew?

When he opens his eyes, Newt's looking at the door. He takes a deep breath and gives a nod, cracking it open to peek into the temple.

There are two acolytes standing at the entrance and a woman kneeling before the altar praying. He closes the door again and turns to Newt.

"Two by the door and a civilian at the altar. I say we sneak as far as we can and then bum-rush our way out the door. They'll be so startled that we'll get a headstart."

"This is a terrible plan," Newt says and pulls a face at Mend's grump. "I'm just trying to imagine what Hermann would say."

"Do you see Hermann here? Is Hermann trying to break out of a doomsday cult? No. No, he's not. We gotta make do with what we've got. Do you have any ideas?"

"You said we're gonna bum-rush them. I'm all for bum-rushing. Let's bum-rush the ass off 'em," Newt says, nodding towards the door and Mend narrows his eyes at him.

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"For fuck's sake, _no_. We're gonna push past them, stun them, and run like hell. That's the plan. I'm with the plan. Can we fucking do this before I decide to just go back to bed?"

Mend glares at Newt and grabs him by the front of his robe. "Count of three?"

"Count of three. One..."

"Two..."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on schedule for Massively Terrifying Deadline. Hurray!
> 
> I've hit a lull right now (that will probably only last until I wake up in about 8 hours. /o\\) so new chapter! No clue when next chapter will be out. Sorry!

Mend pushes open the door and sneaks around the edge of the room, sticking to the shadows and checking over his shoulder to make sure Newt's following. He slows down and indicates that he's going to move to the other side of the door and waits for the nod before doing so.

The woman at the front of the room sneezes and Mend freezes, body tensing as he watches the two acolytes at the door. 

They keep staring straight ahead.

Mend looks over his shoulder and waves Newt over, gesturing that they should push through from there. 

Newt creeps across the room and takes Mend's hand, squeezing it as he nods and swallows. 

Together, they look fearfully toward the door and take a deep breath.

Under his breath, Mend whispers. "Three... two... one... _now_!"

They run towards the door, pushing the acolytes into the frame and stumbling as they run down the steps. Newt grabs Mend's arm, pulling him forward as he glances over his shoulder at the two guards who are sprawled in the doorway.

"They're down, Mend. Run! _Run!_ " Newt yells, heaving Mend as hard as he can and dragging him along behind.

It's well after midnight but there are still crowds in the street. They dodge and weave as best they can, stumbling and tripping and shoving people, but they're not fast enough and soon the guards have recovered and are right on their tail.

Mend feels a hand grab the back of his robe, pulling his hood down and yanking him back and it's all he can do to yell _Newt_ before the collar chokes him and sends him crashing to the ground.

Newt stumbles as Mend lets go of his hand, recovers himself, and turns around, pushing people out of the way to get back to Mend. He looks at the sight of the guard holding Mend down on the ground and yells, springing forward and shoving them with all his strength before taking a swing. He swears as it connects, shaking his hand out and pushing the guard back while they're stunned.

Mend twists around on the ground, grabbing the guard by the pants, which only serves to pull them down as the guard falls backwards. 

The second guard grabs Newt and hauls him back, restraining his arms as Newt tries to slap-punch the guard on the ground.

" _Let him go!“_ Mend yells, rolling and stumbling to his feet and hitting and punching up their arm and neck until they release Newt and push Mend away.

The guard on the ground pulls himself up, yanking his pants up with one hand as he takes a swing at Newt with the other, connecting with the side of Newt's face

"Back the fuck off!" Newt roars as he turns his shoulder and rams the guard back bodily. "We're leaving and you can't fucking stop us!"

The guard spits something in Cantonese in a disgusted tone, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he looks between Mend and Newt. He shakes his head at the other guard, sneering at Mend and Newt and jerking his head back towards the temple. 

The guard Mend's hitting narrows his eyes and shoves him back, muttering under his breath as he walks away.

"Wait, what? What does that mean? You're letting us _go_?!" Mend yells, adrenalin pumping in his ears as he storms after them.

"Let's go! Let's _go_!" Newt grabs Mend's arm, pulling him away from the guards and into the throng of people who'd stopped to watch the fight. "Run! Don't give them a chance to change their minds!" 

Mend growls as Newt pulls him away, grumbling and muttering as they run through the Boneslums in their sandals and socks. The crowds give them a wide berth as they pelt through the streets, unwilling to be associated with the two men in scuffed, white cult robes.

When they reach the edge of the slums, both of them are red-faced and out of breath. It takes them ten minutes, leaning against the side of a building panting, to catch their breath.

"I fucking... I fucking joined a _cult_ for you," Mend says, reaching over to push Newt with much less force than he meant. " _I joined a fucking cult for you_."

"I know you... I know you did, man," Newt pants, grabbing Mends hand so he'll stop hitting him. "I wanna be grateful. But I'm just... I'm just jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Everything was easier in there."

"You... you fucking... a _cult_. _A fucking doomsday cult_. You still think you're not worth shit? You still think... I risked my _life_ for you. You can't just-"

"It's not that fucking easy! You don't get to just ride in and be all 'I'm here to save you!' You didn't save me because _I'm still me_."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you! You're still you and it doesn't matter-"

" _It does fucking matter!_ " Newt lets go of Mend's hand and pushes off the wall to pace. "I'm still _me_ ; I'm still _the clone_. It's not going to change now. We know. It's _fact_. I'm always going to be... _this_."

Mend stares at Newt, stomach sinking as it begins to dawn on him. "I... I can't help you, can I? All of this... It doesn't change... You're still going to feel that way no matter what I do."

"It's not your fault. It's just... there. _Constantly_. It's... I'm not a _real_ person anymore," Newt says and it's so matter-of-fact that Mend can't find it in himself to be angry anymore.

"You're still a real person," Mend says, moving in front of Newt and wrapping his arms around him. "You're real to me and Hermann. Tendo and Katz, too. Maybe you're different. Maybe you're not made of the same stuff as everyone else. But you're made of the same stuff as _me_. You're not completely alone."

"Mend, please... just... just stop," Newt says, but he's hugging Mend back, fingers curling into the back of his robe. "I'm coming home, I'm not going anywhere, but... there's nothing you can do. You can't just keep telling me I'm real and expecting me to believe it. I'm _not_ real. I was never _born_. I just appeared. I'm- Shit. I'm _four months_ old. I don't- You can't help me with this."

Mend's arms tighten, squeezing him as he presses his lips to the side of Newt's head. "You're doing pretty well; holding your head up, running off to join cults. You're light years ahead of your age group."

Newt snorts. "I hate you," he says into Mend's shoulder.

"And I still love you," he says, rubbing a hand up Newt's back. "I can't promise I'm not going to get on your nerves while you sort shit out. But I'm not going anywhere. Everything in here?" He cups the back of Newt's head. "That's all you. You're important and- I'm doing it again. I- Shit. Let's... Let's work out how we're getting back to the Shatterdome." 

Mend pulls away and starts looking around, running a hand through his hair and looking up and down the street.

"Mend..." Newt says, putting a hand on his arm and turning him to face him. "Thanks. I- Just-... Thanks."

Mend gives him a half smile and pats his hand. "You don't have any money, do you?"

"Not a cent."

"We're going to have to walk." Mend says, pulling a face as he looks down the road.

"There's a pay phone down the road. We could call Tendo," Newt says, pointing down the street a way.

"He'll kill us for calling collect."

"But we'll get home before dawn."

"True. Hermann will probably be pissed if we don't call him, though." 

"We've been in a car with him when he's in a _good_ mood. I don't want to see him drive when he's tired and full of wrath."

"Sold. Let's go."

They walk in silence down the street looking for the pay phone. Cars speed past and Mend realises how ridiculously quiet it was in the compound; he doesn't remember hearing much more than the gong and the shuffle of feet. They must have had some intense insulation going on.

Two blocks later, they find a phone and Mend picks up the receiver and following the instructions posted before standing and waiting.

"Tendo? Tendo, it's Mend. Don't hang up! Don't hang up!"

"Do you have any idea what time it- Dude. _Dude_!" Mend can hear the moment it clicks in Tendo's brain. "What the hell, man? Everyone is one hundred percent pissed at you. You're at the top of the Shatterdome shitlist. Where the hell are you?"

"That doesn't really surprise me," Mend says with a sigh, rolling his eyes at Newt. "We're on Prince Edward, but-"

"We? Newt's there? You found Newt??"

"Yeah. We busted out of the temple about three-quarters of an hour ago. A little bruised but still in one piece. Listen, we kind of need a ride home. We've got no money and-"

"Say no more. You're on Prince Edward? Keep going and switch to Boundary. I'll get there as soon as I can."

"Thanks, man. Could you bring a blanket or something? We're wearing stupid robes and-"

"On it. Be there soon."

Tendo hangs up and Mend looks at Newt, jerking his head for him to follow. "We gotta walk part of the way. Tendo's coming."

It takes forty-five minutes, but eventually Tendo's pulling up beside them and they're jumping in.

"Don't have a blanket, but I've had the seat warmers on since I left. Oh, you're both going in back? Cool, cool, I'll just be your chauffeur, then."

"Dude, we're wearing socks and sandals and cotton robes. My nipples could cut glass right now," Mend gripes as he pulls the door closed and huddles up against Newt.

"Good to know. Newt, you're looking wrecked. Cult life not what you pictured it to be?" Tendo says, looking at Newt in the rear view mirror as he starts driving.

"One of the guards punched me in the face when we broke out. Should have got you to bring an ice-pack." Newt says, shivering as he blows on his hands and leans into Mend. "It fucking _hurts_ when you punch someone. Why'd nobody ever tell me that?"

"Uh, maybe because we all thought you'd be pulling hair and scratching in a fight," Tendo says with a smirk before he sobers. "Listen, shit is going to hit the fan when we get back. Pentecost's had the place on lockdown; security's been tightened. You're not going to get to just waltz back into your old life."

"Shit. It's that bad?" Mend says, blinking at Tendo as streetlights flash past the car.

"Well, it ain't good." Tendo rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "You've been AWOL, man. Chances are you're getting marched straight to the brig when we get in."

"Fuck, I should have expected that. Drop us out the front; we'll surrender ourselves peacefully. You don't need to get in any shit for this."

"Already in the shit, brother. It'll slide right off, don't you worry."

"How's, uh... How's Hermann? Is he okay?" Newt asks, biting his lip and staring out the window.

"Hermann's handling it how he handles everything; with shouting and unexpected violence." Tendo shrugs. "He's been questioned about your disappearance multiple times; whacked Wu in the shin with his cane the last time."

"It was just me acting alone. I didn't- I wasn't-..." Mend says, jaw hanging open as he processes. "I didn't think he'd get dragged into it."

"Yeah, you didn't _think_. I've been called in a few times, too. Didn't know nothing, couldn't say nothing," Tendo says, glancing into the back seat.

They're approaching the Shatterdome, spotlights shining up from the helipad framing it and lighting up the sky above. Mend doesn't think he's ever seen anything more beautiful or terrifying.

"You sure you want me to drop you off at the door?" Tendo asks, raising an eyebrow into the rearview mirror. "You can still go in through the carpool."

"No. We'll go through the front," Mend says, reaching over to take Newt's hand and squeeze it tight. "It's more... meaningful? We've got nothing to hide; this is all just a big, fucked up misunderstanding."

"As you wish," Tendo says, pulling up just out of sight of the main doors. "Godspeed, guys."

"Thanks, man. We owe you one," Newt says, swallowing as he looks at Mend and opens the door.

"You owe me about five now. I'll cash them in when you're all cleared."

Newt nods and slips out the door, standing and staring up at the Shatterdome, shoulders tense.

Mend sighs and slides over the seat, patting Tendo on the shoulder as he follows. He pauses before he gets out and looks up at Tendo's eyes in the mirror.

"Does everyone know? About Newt?" He asks, voice tentative.

"Pentecost kept the details on the down-low. All anyone has confirmation of is that you guys were AWOL. There's speculation flying around the rumor mill - everything from both of you cracking under the pressure to, y'know, you _definitely_ being the clone, or Newt _definitely_ being the clone." Tendo shrugs and turns in his seat. "I got your back, man. One of the benefits of being at the center of the rumor mill is being able to lay down a little misdirection. You've got a mistress in the city, and Newt's got a lovechild that's just been born. I got insider knowledge, so it must be true."

"I could kiss you right now," Mend says, squeezing Tendo's shoulder. 

"If you weren't so narcissistic, I might let you," Tendo smirks and dodges the light slap aimed at the side of his head. "Better get going. Newt looks ready to bolt."

"See you on the flip side, man," Mend says with a twist of his lips and climbs out of the car, shutting the door behind him and patting the roof before turning to stand beside Newt.

"Tendo's got us covered, bud," he says, placing a hand in the middle of Newt's back. "Nobody knows for sure which of us is the clone. He also gave you a mistress, you hussy."

Newt's lips twitch up at the side, but when he looks at Mend his eyes are full of fear.

"We'll be okay. The only thing we've done wrong is going AWOL. We'll do our time, then we'll be back to fighting and fucking and ending this war."

Newt nods and sighs and begins to walk toward the door at a slow pace. "What do we do when we get inside?"

"They'd doubled the guard before I left. Our best bet is to walk in with our hands up, move apart, and offer our unconditional, peaceful surrender."

"You think they'll accept that?" Newt asks shoving his hands into the pockets of his robe.

"I hope they will. Tendo didn't say anything about there being an order to shoot on sight."

"That's comforting," Newt says with a roll of his eyes.

"There's a camera over there. Raise your hands. We'll get through this. I love you." Mend swallows and raises his hands, looking up at the camera as he walks forward.

Newt slows, but then he's raising his arms and following.

Mend hears a murmured _I love you, too_ and it quiets the anxious racing of his heart, making him stand up a little straighter and feel more confident.

They pass through the doors and the guards are immediately at attention, guns drawn and aimed right at them.

"We're here to surrender. Unconditionally and _peacefully_ ," Mend says as loudly and clearly as he can.

"On your knees. Hands behind your head." One guard directs as another radios for back up.

"We don't want any trouble," Mend says, lowering himself down and threading his fingers behind his head. He looks over and Newt's doing the same.

The guards don't speak as they cuff them both and march them down to the brig. Mend's kind of glad they got back so late; the halls are mostly empty and no one can see him hang his head.

Pentecost is waiting for them, wearing PPDC issued sweats and a sweater, Katz standing behind him looking bleary-eyed and annoyed.

"I want them in separate cells at opposite ends," Pentecost says to the guards. "They are not to talk to each other. They are not to _look_ at each other. Any contact between them is to be noted, recorded, and stopped. Do you hear me?"

"Sir, yes, sir," the guards chant in unison, heels clicking as they stand to attention.

"Dr. Katz, if you'd like to make the distinction." Pentecost steps to the side and gestures for Katz to step forward.

She does so, narrowing her eyes and shaking her head at them. Lifting Mend's shirt, she checks his side and points at his face. "Mendelssohn." She lets it drop and moves over to Newt, repeating the action. "Newton."

"Remember that during processing," Pentecost says to the guards and turns back to Katz. "I want a full examination of both of them. A guard will be present at all times, start with Newton." He looks at the guard in charge of the brig and nods towards the farthest cell. "Alert me when they're done."

The guards salute as Pentecost walks past them and exits the room. 

Mend spends the next half hour being stripped, searched, fingerprinted and photographed before being escorted to a cell and locked inside. They've put him in a grey jumpsuit, but it's thicker and warmer than the robes, so Mend isn't complaining. He pulls the blanket off the bed and wraps it around his shoulders as he sits to wait.

Katz enters ten minutes later with a medkit and a guard who stands by the wall and stares straight ahead.

"You couldn't have come back after dinner? _Before_ dinner? Before I was _asleep_?" Katz says, hooking the stool with her foot and sitting in front of him.

"Sorry the cult I was breaking out of didn't have a better schedule," Mend says, holding the back of his hand up to his mouth as he yawns. 

"Am I supposed to be impressed that you broke out of a cult? Because I'm not. And that's not even the sleep deprivation talking," Katz says as she pulls a penlight out of her kit. "Glasses off, look up."

"I did what everyone said I couldn't do. Just like I _always have_ ," Mend says, trying not to sneer as he follows Katz's directions. "I brought Newt back. _Me_."

"Yeah, and you put the Shatterdome into lockdown, made going through the security checkpoints ten times more involved, _and_ pissed off Hermann to the point that nobody will walk down that corridor anymore. Open your mouth." 

"Wait, what? What's happened with Hermann?" Mend asks sitting up straighter as she takes hold of his chin and shines the light into his mouth.

"Pretty sure he hasn't been sleeping. He _yells_ at everyone who goes into the lab - _including_ Pentecost. He throws chalk dusters at Tendo until he leaves." She drops the penlight back in the box, makes a note and pulls out a tourniquet. "He's gone from dry and sardonic to downright _mean_." Katz wraps the tourniquet around his upper arm and pulls out a needle.

"Fuck. This is all my fault," Mend says, scrubbing a hand over his face. He barely feels the needle sliding into his skin as part of his brain starts to work out how to break out of the brig to go make it up to Hermann.

"Damn right it's your fault," Katz says as she watches the vial fill with blood. "If you'd just _waited_ , this might not have happened."

"Yeah, and Newt would still be wearing white robes and meditating for four hours a day," Mend says, slumping down and gasping when the needle changes angles.

"Newt? Meditate? I would have paid good money to see that," Katz says with a snort as she switches out the vial.

"I did it, too," Mend says, feeling perversely proud of himself. "It was kind of... boring, but, maybe a little... useful? I wouldn't say I'd do it every day, but- Fuck, you're distracting me. I gotta see Hermann."

"You gotta stay _here_ and take your lumps. Hermann can wait." She takes the second vial and marks it, before finishing up with a cotton ball and a Band-Aid.

"The longer it waits, the _angrier_ Hermann's going to get!" Mend says, rubbing at his arm. "I've been gone, what? Four? Five days? Imagine how pissed he's going to be whenever I get out of here."

"He'll settle down. You don't-"

" _You_ don't know Hermann," Mend says, shaking his head emphatically. "He'll cling to his anger like a barnacle to the side of a ship. It's just going to get bigger and bigger. He's still pissed about things that happened ten _years_ ago; every time they get brought up again, he turns into this Tasmanian Devil of rage. He'll be stomping and slamming doors forever if I don't get this shit sorted out."

"Do _not_ try to break out of the brig," Katz says in a quiet tone, glancing over her shoulder at the guard before continuing. "Suck it up and take whatever Pentecost gives you. I can guarantee you'll only make things worse if you don't."

"I need to do _something_ ," Mend says, grabbing the edge of the bed to stop himself from getting up and pacing.

" _Doing_ things is what got you into this. Just... just listen to the Marshall," Katz says and starts packing up her bag.

Mend slumps back against the wall and crosses his arms - the last thing he wants to do is sit around and listen. "Is Newt okay? He got punched in the face and with the whole head thing..." 

"There were no signs of concussion. He was cognizant and ambulatory. I'll check on him again tomorrow to make sure." She picks up her kit and looks down at him with a shake of her head. "Y'know, you don't make being your friend easy, but that doesn't mean we're going to stop. This situation's pretty shitty, but things have a way of working themselves out. Just try not to be so high strung about it."

"Be low strung. Got it," Mend says, heaving a sigh.

"I'd tell you to stop being such an asshole, but that's probably not gonna stick." Katz shakes her head and turns toward the door. "Don't antagonize the Marshall," she calls over her shoulder as she nods to the guard and leaves.

Mend huffs and pushes himself off the bed, walking over to the door and peering out the barred window. There are guards stationed at the exit and Katz is signing out with the Sergeant but he can't get a good angle in the other direction to see what's going on with Newt. 

He tries to get the attention of a guard, but they're well trained and don't even glance at him.

It's another twenty minutes before there's activity at the door. Mend had long since given up on harassing the guards and retreated to the bed, curling up with his head on the thin pillow.

"Dr. Geiszler," Pentecost says in a grave tone as he steps in and signals for the guard to close the door.

"Marshall!" Mend says, scrambling to sit up and looking at him with wide, imploring eyes. "I know you're super pissed but I swear I can explain."

"Stop talking," Pentecost says, pulling the chair over and sitting. He stares at Mend for a long time, waiting until well after Mend's started fidgeting to speak. "I've got Newt's side of the story, now I need yours. Bear in mind, you're _going_ to be punished; you broke PPDC regulations and were absent without leave. Combined with the circumstances of your altered genetic make-up, you are in _very_ deep water. Given that you were gone for less than thirty days, and there was a severe... _familial_ problem, I'm electing to discipline you under Article 15."

Mend nods solemnly even though he's not sure exactly what that means.

"This is a Court Martial offence; defying a direct command, disrespecting a superior officer, absence without leave. I want you to appreciate my _lenience_ as you tell me exactly why I didn't have the two of you sent stateside for an official trial." Pentecost leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, staring at Mend expectantly.

Mend takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair, feeling shaky and off-balance. He'd been pissed earlier, about being locked up and not being able to sort things out with Hermann, about breaking Newt out of the cult and having everyone shit on him for it, but now... Now everything was real.

He tries to keep himself calm - ironically, using some of the breathing techniques meditation had taught him - as he outlines what had led to him breaking out of the Shatterdome, what he'd done in the cult, and how they'd gotten out. He takes Katz's advice and owns his shit, acknowledging that he knew what he was doing was wrong, but that he felt like he didn't have any other option.

"I honestly don't think he's a sleeper agent or anything like that. He's... off-balance. I know what he's going through," Mend says, looking down at his lap and picking at a loose thread. "It's like, imagine you're suddenly looking at a copy of yourself; they're you in every possible way. But you're you, and you _know_ you're you, and then someone comes along and tells you that you're not the real you. They give you a different name and you have to tell everyone to call you by it and they start treating you differently, it's almost like they're scared of you. Everyone and everything you know gets shifted just enough that suddenly you're not living your own life anymore. You're still you, but you can never be you again." He looks up at Pentecost and sighs. "That's why I didn't want everyone to know who the clone was for certain. Everything's going to shift again. He's having an existential crisis - _literally_ \- and... and everyone knowing would just make it so much worse. I know I messed up and I'm sorry for disobeying you and breaking out. But... I'm not sorry for helping him. He's my brother."

Pentecost continues to stare at him long after he's finished, barely blinking and Mend has to pay close attention to see his chest rise and fall.

"Thank you for your candour," Pentecost says, standing. "I'll inform you of my decision tomorrow."

"Sir, before you go," Mend says, scrambling off the bed to stand. "I know I don't have a right to ask you anything, but it's not for me. Can you make sure Newt has someone to talk to? Professional talk to, like _therapy_. He doesn't trust Liakos, but Katz said she'd see if Dr. Assaf could fit us in. He just... He could really use it right now."

Pentecost's lips thin, but he inclines his head. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you, sir," Mend says and for the first time since his academy days, he snaps to attention and gives the most perfect salute he can.

He stares straight ahead, not daring to look at Pentecost until he hears a murmured _at ease_ , and the door clanking shut.

It was done. Everything was out of his hands. Now all he could do was wait.

He climbs onto the bed and pulls the blanket over him, grumbling at how thin and scratchy it is and he's one-hundred percent sick of sleeping in beds that aren't his own, under covers designed to irritate. The lights are shut off ten minutes later as he's staring at the wall. He doesn't know how long it is until he sleeps.

The lateness of his arrival the night before doesn't deter the guards on morning shift from banging on his door to wake him up when breakfast is served. The lights are on and glaring and though he tries to burrow back into his bed, sleep proves elusive in the face of the guards' continued noise.

He sits and pokes at his tray - reconstituted eggs, a piece of dry toast, and coffee that might once have been warm. He sits and stares at the wall, waiting for the Marshall to return, but lunch arrives and then dinner and he's still alone.

The guard shift is changing over when Pentecost arrives. 

He waits outside Mend's door until the guards are in place and settled before entering and pulling up the chair to sit across from Mend. 

"I trust you've had time to think about your actions," Pentecost says, eyeing Mend with a challenging stare.

"I've got nothing but time, sir," Mend says, sitting up straight and swallowing against the anxiety swirling in his gut.

"Do you understand the significance of your crime? That this shatterdome is operated by a _team_. A team that requires that everyone be accounted for in the event of a disaster. A team that requires its head of K-Sci to be contactable, if not available, in the event of attack." Pentecost stares down at Mend as he swallows and nods. "You are a PPDC Officer. You are given leeway on the uniform code and operational proceedings but you are a part of this organisation - you _enlisted_ \- and you will damn well respect my authority."

"I do, sir, I really do," Mend says, leaning forward and reaching out before remembering himself and snatching his hand back. "I wasn't thinking. Well, I was, but not about- ... The news was... overwhelming. When Newt disappeared all I could think about was getting him back and making sure he was safe. I sort of... lost myself. But, we're never going to get news like that again, so, it's like, ninety-nine percent certain that it's never going to happen again. The one percent's just for freak occurrences because, y'know, anything's possible." Mend snaps his jaw shut to stop the hole he's digging himself from getting any deeper.

Pentecost stares at him, lips thinned and eyes calculating, before he nods to himself and straightens. "A day for a day. You were gone four days, you'll remain in here for four days, less one for time served."

"That's fair," Mend says, glancing away as he tries to get his head around another three days in this room. "Thank you, sir. Will Newt-"

"Newt's punishment is no concern of yours. You focus on you and what you've done," Pentecost says as he stands. "This is a mark on your permanent record, Dr. Geiszler. Don't let it become a stain."

The door clanks shut after him and Mend can see him move to the far end of the brig. He hears Newt's cell open and rushes to the door to press his ear against the bars, but no matter how hard he strains he can't make out anything more than a low murmur.

He's with Newt for half an hour and it's driving Mend crazy trying to work out what they could be talking about for so long. Pentecost gives him a dead-eyed stare as he passes and Mend slinks away from the door until he's gone. 

He slumps down on the bed and stares at the wall. Three more days.

The first day passes at an interminable rate. He's woken at the crack of ass for breakfast, and the eggs and nasty coffee sit heavy in his belly. By mid-afternoon he's nearly paced a hole in the floor and he finds himself trying to remember as many of Hermann's stretching positions as possible just to give himself something to _do_ ; he knew he could be hyperactive at times, but he hadn't realised just how much he relied on being able to _move_ to remain sane.

The second day finds him practising handstands against the walls. He thinks he's doing pretty well, but he can't be sure - he had to take his glasses off after the first time they started sliding off his face and he ended up slamming into the floor. They survived, he nearly didn't.

On the third day, he's awake and staring at the door when the guards bring breakfast. He chats with them as they bring in the tray, and even if they don't chat back, it feels good to speak to someone other than himself.

He's waiting on lunch when he hears it; the Shatterdome klaxons go off and a voice comes over the speaker commanding everyone to their stations. He's on his feet and pressing his face against the bars in a second, staring at the guards congregating around the door to the brig office and straining to hear what's going on.

"Is there an attack? Where is it? How big?" Mend asks, voice getting high and scratchy in his excitement. "Come on, you've gotta tell me. Hong Kong's K-Sci division is locked up in here. We're it. We _need_ to know!"

The guards ignore him and huddle closer to the radio on the desk, volume turned low so he can't hear what's being said. They stay there for half an hour before the Sergeant clears them away and unlocks the door to Mend's cell.

"We've had a call. You're to go to LOCCENT," the Sergeant says and stands back as Mend walks out.

"What about Newt?" Mend asks, looking over to where Newt's peering out through the bars.

"Call was only for you," the Sergeant says and glances over his shoulder. "Daka, escort Dr. Geiszler to LOCCENT. Keep your eye on him."

"Yes, sir."

Mend looks back at Newt's cell just in time to see him turn and walk away. He spends a moment feeling torn before the klaxons blare again and he turns to Daka.

"I hope you're ready to run, man," Mend says and Daka's hand moves immediately to unclip his gun.

"To _LOCCENT_! There's a crisis! It's urgent! I'm not running away!" Mend says, holding his hands up and staring at Daka's gun wide-eyed.

Daka clips his gun and glares at Mend.

"Can I- Can _we_ run? I'll walk if you want me to, but, y'know, crisis."

"We can run," Daka says in a terse voice, gesturing to the hall. "I have got my eye on you."

"I'm sure you do, man," Mend says, a touch shaken. "Let's go."

They run through the halls, dodging people as lights flash and alarms blare. When the elevator doesn't arrive the second Mend presses the button, he slams his palm into the wall, growling in frustration as he runs to the stairs, taking them two at a time and hauling himself up by the railing.

By the time they reach LOCCENT, the place is noisy and bustling - reports and updates being yelled across the room as they arrive and every screen bright and flashing with news reports and in-Jaeger footage.

"What have we got?" Mend demands, skidding to a halt by Tendo's station and peering over his shoulder.

"Category III, codename: Krueger. Radar indicated it was heading northeast. Coyote Tango prepping for launch. Crimson Typhoon and Striker Eureka on stand-by." Tendo says, gliding between stations on his chair and going through his pre-launch sequence.

"I need visual," Mend says, straightening and looking around the room as he yells. "Who's got the radar images? I need the radar images!"

"Here, sir," a technician at a nearby station says, gesturing to their screen. 

"Sweet, thanks. Okay, what have we got?" Mend leans down, adjusting his glasses as he tries to make sense of the grainy image. "You got a pen? Get this down. Bullet points... Super long. Short arms and legs. Crocodylian, possibly lacertilian. Those could be _wicked_ claws - it'd explain the name, but we won't know for sure until we've got video. Uhh... Okay, it's probably going to fight low - biting and swiping. If it rears, it's going to want to grapple. At the rate it was moving, it's probably faster in water than on land. They're going to want to engage in the shallows and keep it there if possible. Can't see the face well enough to estimate its bite, but it's a kaiju so it's probably going to be pretty fucking nasty. Those claws are probably the main threat, gonna need to watch them. Send that through to Nakata in Japan and let me know when we've got visual."

Mend moves back over to Tendo's station to wait, watching as the screens fill with images of Coyote Tango being airlifted out of the Tokyo Shatterdome.

"We've got visual from the choppers. Nothing useful yet," Tendo says, gesturing to a monitor nearby.

Mend nods and moves closer, scanning the image for anything in the water.

It's another four hours before Coyote's dropped off the coast of St. Lawrence Island. Tensions are running high in LOCCENT and Mend's thumb's bleeding where he's bitten his nail down to the quick.

"Contact in three... two... one..."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super Stressful Time has turned into Super Stressful _Waiting_. It'll all be over by Friday. Regular posting will hopefully resume next week. /o\

Mend holds his breath as he watches the screens; the angle of the helicopters and the constant motion of the searchlights make it hard to focus on any one thing. He can hear the Tunari Brothers' breathing over the comm, tense with anticipation.

"No visual. Repeat: we have _no visual_ ," Vic Tunari's voice echoes over the speakers.

"It's gonna be low," Mend mutters, arms crossed over his chest, biting the nail on his ring finger. "Why St. Lawrence Island? There's nothing _there_."

"They're giant, alien monsters, Mend. I don't think logic's their strong suit," Tendo says, frowning at his console. "Can anyone raise Tokyo command? Their signal's not coming through."

"The Tokyo technicians believe broadcasting results in a potentially dangerous time-delay between LOCCENT and the Jaegers. They're running this one direct address only."

"That doesn't-"

"Movement spotted six o'clock! Defensive manoeuvres!"

As Tendo speaks, the Tunari brothers bring their arms up and plant their feet. The water churns, almost looking like it's boiling as the kaiju rushes towards them.

"They're too deep. They should be in the shallows, drawing it out."

"Contact!" Vic yells, but there's nothing visible on screen. "Impact left leg, minor damage. Still standing."

There are three more hits, silent and invisible, and Mend's practically frothing at the mouth.

" _It's testing you! Can't you see that?!_ " He yells at the screen, fists bunched at his side as he stares up with impotent rage.

There's another five minutes of silence, broken only by Mend muttering under his breath and the Tunari's checking in and getting instructions from Tokyo.

Krueger breaches the surface, leaping at Coyote and slashing through its chest shielding.

"Grab it! Grab it and hold on! Don't let go! Keep its arms pinned!" Mend yells and then a firm hand is on his shoulder, pushing him down until he's sitting and looking up at a grim faced Pentecost.

"This is not a sports bar and you _will not_ heckle the pilots in my Shatterdome," he says in a tone that brooks no argument.

"I'm not- _This is my job_! They're fighting a _giant lizard crocodile_ and their tactics are all _wrong_. A healthy human can outrun a crocodile on land, but in water? In water they're _prey_. Coyote needs to be drawing it back to the shallows, ready to pounce and attack it from above. They-"

"We're hit! Kaiju has latched onto our left leg. Kicking it off," Vic Tunari says and Mend spins away from Pentecost, staring wide-eyed at the monitors.

"Don't kick! Damnit, Nakata, tell them not to kick!" Mend grabs the back of the nearest chair, knuckles turning white.

On screen, Coyote lashes out with a leg and Krueger rolls, twisting with enough force that Coyote is sent crashing down into the water.

A hush falls over LOCCENT, every single technician and officer stopping their preparations.

"How far out is Chrome Brutus?" Pentecost asks, watching the Jaeger thrash in the water.

"They're still finishing repairs. More than two hours out, best case," Tendo says, voice quiet.

"Coyote doesn't have that long," Mend says, body running with a cold shiver.

Coyote struggles and surfaces, the Tunari brothers grunting and struggling as they try to get to their feet.

"Visual lost. Kaiju is out of sight. Radar shows nothing. Can I get confirmation on last locat-" Vic's voice cuts off with a scream as Krueger launches out of the water right beside them, grabbing Coyote's arm and tearing it off in one swift twist.

A collective, pained gasp ripples through the room, but no one dares to speak.

"Vic! Vic, we've gotta move!" Gunnar Tunari's voice shouts over the speaker. "Right arm gone. Vic's in shock. We need... The EnergyCaster's gone. All we've got is mortars." 

There's silence for a long time and then Vic speaks. 

"Copy."

Coyote rolls on its side, using its right arm to push itself up to its knees. It remains motionless, the waves chopping around its middle as it waits.

There's a brief, barely noticeable ripple to its left and then Krueger is leaping at it, jaws clamping down on its neck and shoulder and claws ripping through its shell. 

Coyote's remaining arm wraps around Krueger, holding it in place as it falls forward, pinning it against the ocean floor.

"What're they-"

Before Mend can finish his sentence, the area surrounding Coyote's last known position explodes, sending a spray of water shooting into the air creating a dome that crashes back down to reveal Coyote's body. It's twisted and bent at an unnatural angle and there are enormous chunks of blue, meaty flesh hanging from the gnarled, twisted metal. Parts of Krueger are visible, an arm, a shoulder, part of its torso. Its head is gone.

"Raptor One to Control. Target is down. No signs of life." An unfamiliar voice comes over the comm. "No response from pilots. Permission to search the wreckage?" 

Mend looks over his shoulder at Tendo and Pentecost, looking for confirmation that what he thinks happened _did not just happen_. Tendo's face tells him everything he didn't want to know, pale and shaking, unable to take his eyes away from the screen. Pentecost's is a picture of fierce, angry determination.

"Copy that, Control. Maintaining position. Raptor One out."

"They're just going to leave them there?" Tendo says, looking up at Pentecost, eyes wide.

"It's completely covered in Kaiju Blue," Mend says, voice slow and stunned. "There's no safe way to get in there without a contamination suit."

"Tendo, contact Anchorage. Make sure they're fast-tracking Chrome Brutus for search and rescue. I want people on the ground for specimen collection. Mendelssohn, you've got twenty minutes to pack a bag - you're on the next flight out."

"But-"

"No buts. Your time is served. You're free to go. Be on that helipad in twenty minutes or you'll be heading straight back to the brig," Pentecost says and turns to start coordinating with Tendo.

Mend turns and stalks from the room, passing Daka on the way. "You heard the man. I'm free," he says with a shrug and continues down to the bowels of the shatterdome.

He runs into the lab, spotting Hermann sitting at his desk with his head in his hands, glasses jutting out from his clenched fingers.

"Hermann! Hermann, thank fuck you're okay," he breathes, rushing over and wrapping his arms around him, pulling his head to his chest. "I'm guessing you heard what happened and, shit, I don't have time. Pentecost's sending me in for specimen collection." He pulls back and kneels beside Hermann, cupping his cheek in one hand. "I am _so_ fucking sorry for the clusterfuck the past couple of weeks have been. I promise I'm going to make it up to you. When I get back from Alaska, we're going to sit down and you're going to berate me and I'm going to listen and take it and _deserve it_. But, I got him back. He's sorting shit out in his head and he's staying. He's- Fuck." Mend brushes his thumb over Hermann's cheek apologetically. "I missed you. I missed you _so fucking much_. We're gonna do better. We're gonna be _happy_. I gotta- I l-" Mend leans in and kisses Hermann, cutting himself off and trying to pour all of his apology into it instead. "I have to go pack or Pentecost's going to send me back to the brig. I'll email you from St. Lawrence. Video if the connection speeds are high enough."

He jumps up and runs into his alcove, digging under his couch and pulling out his wallet, phone and ID before walking back in. 

Hermann's staring after him, mouth hanging open and looking sad and lost. "I don't-" He clears his throat and looks away.

"We'll talk when I get back, okay? I've got... eight minutes to pack and get to the helipad. I miss you already." Mend gives Hermann a half-smile and runs down to his room, shoving as many things as he can think of into his bag before hauling ass to the helipad.

The flight is as interminable as the wait for the Jaeger to touch down earlier, made all the more long by the fact that they have to divert course to avoid the bloodmist rising from Krueger's body. They're fifty miles out, but they can still see the rise where Coyote Tango sits amongst the haze of blue and it makes Mend's stomach lurch.

They land at Savoonga and he's put up in a tiny inn. The townsfolk eye him suspiciously and he tries to calm them as best he can, but the sheer amount of military personnel and equipment being flown in and shipped out to the south side of the island only makes them more mistrustful after the terror of the fight.

He changes out of the jumpsuit given to him in the brig and has a power nap before catching a ride with one of the convoys going down to the pop-up base to watch the rescue effort. Chrome Brutus has only just arrived and he finds himself drawn down to the beach in spite of the bitter chill to watch as the Jaeger carefully picks up Coyote's remains, cradling it to its chest as it brings it to shore. It's carefully set down and a group of HAZMAT suited soldiers and EMTs swarm towards the cockpit, checking for a safe route in.

The air about the camp is solemn as he watches, no sound except for the shouts between personnel at the Jaeger.

"Another one for Oblivion Bay," a voice murmurs beside him, and Mend looks up, startled.

"Sheng," he says by way of greeting.

"Geiszler," Sheng murmurs back with a shallow nod.

"You've got a team, yeah? Pentecost just sent me and some guys for search and rescue."

"We have some. Recruited an ex-harvester last summer. That should help if we want the most marketable parts," Sheng says with a wry smile.

Mend snorts. "I don't know about you, but I want a foot. An entire foot. I need to see how those claws work if they can rip through metal like butter. Gonna be magnanimous and let someone else take the weird glands of unknown purpose this time. I'm a giver." 

"You're alone here? He is not with you? I had heard you were... practically inseparable." Sheng eyes him in a way that makes Mend wonder what rumours he's heard, but is too wary to ask outright.

"He's back in Hong Kong. Unlike most people, I can be in two places at once," Mend says and looks over his shoulder at Chrome Brutus standing in the surf and Krueger's remains beyond. "Are they going to drag Krueger out, or just leave it there?"

"The body of the enemy is less important than the lives of our brothers. They will wait until we have confirmation either way and we will take what we can get," Sheng says returning his attention to the crew sawing its way into the head of the Jaeger.

"There should be more respect for the research. We both know that _understanding_ them is the best way to stop things like this from _happening_ ," Mend says, shoving his hands deeper into his jacket pockets.

"We are mourning, all of us, though we still cling to that sliver of hope," Sheng says in a tone that makes Mend want to slap him.

"Look, I know you're sappy and sentimental, but this should never have even happened. They'd know that if they just _listened_ to us," Mend says, frowning as a large piece of metal is lowered to the ground.

"Each of us mourns in a different way, Newt. You have your work, and... so do they. Our time will come, sooner than you think."

Mend starts and he wonders how long that's going to keep happening; the longer he's out of the insular world of the Shatterdome, the more reality keeps hitting him in the face.

"I'm not Newt," he says in a quiet tone and looks away, shifting in place. "I'll be back when they start moving Krueger."

He makes his way back through the encampment, watching tents go up and sandbags laid down, and heads into the mess tent. An urn's been set up and he takes a cup of coffee and sits in the corner, sipping it until he's warmer at the core. He gets antsy after ten minutes and spends the next hour helping them set up tables.

An hour after that, people file in slowly, separating into small groups and sitting in solemn silence.

Sheng pops his head through the door and looks for Mend.

"And now the world mourns with us," he says, sliding into a chair across from Mend. "If they withstood the blast, the Kaiju Blue would have taken them."

"They should have been in the shallows," Mend says with a frustrated sigh. "Have you heard from Nakata? Why didn't he tell them?"

"He tried. There were apparently significant delays in communication from Tokyo."

"You're fucking me..." Mend says, jaw dropping. "The whole point of narrowcasting or whatever was to _avoid_ those delays. Shit, we lost two pilots and a Jaeger due to a _technical fault_. What hope is there for us?"

"We lost the battle, we have not lost the war," Sheng says, nodding sagely. "We have learned much from this already. Once we have those samples, we will learn more. The Kaiju will regret ever taking us on."

Mend looks over at Sheng, beginning to see him in a new light. "You're sure we're going to win, aren't you? I mean, you're not just dithering around because you're scared and you don't know what the best thing to do is. You're _certain_."

"I know of your attacks on my character, Geiszler. I don't see a point in returning the sentiment. We will win. We will win by knowing _all_ we can possibly know. You contribute to that."

"So, it's like... the enemy of my enemy?" Mend asks, eyebrow raised.

"Less the enemy of my enemy is my friend and more... the enemy of my enemy is less of a dick than the enormous creatures attacking us," Sheng says, a hint of a smirk lighting at the corners of his lips.

"Dude, why weren't you like this at the academy? I might've spent less time throwing balls of paper at the back of your head during Hobbson's tactics classes," Mend says, shaking his head.

"War changes us all," Sheng says and looks toward the door. "Refill your cup. Chrome Brutus should be retrieving the body soon."

"You want one?" Mend asks as he stands.

Sheng inclines his head and indicates that he'll be waiting outside.

They make their way back down to the beach and watch as Chrome Brutus lifts the decaying body out of the water and lays it beside the wreckage of the Jaeger. A speedboat whips around the bay, scooping up whatever is large enough to grab and bringing it ashore. 

Sheng's team is already suited up and heading toward the body by the time it touches land, and they hurry to follow, wiggling into the contamination suits and taping down everything.

The team has cut a hole in Krueger's side and is bagging and tagging everything they can, neutralising the Kaiju Blue that spills out as they go and piling all the samples up on a tray for decontamination before they ship it out to various shatterdomes around the world.

He's been this close before, but not without risk of a Black Market group taking over. The isolation of this place feels like a luxury compared to the fast pace and high tension of all the previous locations.

There's only two decontamination suits with oxygen supplies, so he doesn't get to go in, but he doesn't think he wants to after the run-in he had with the gland in a controlled environment.

They work long into the night, racing against time to beat the decomposition. What they end up with is a good haul, but it's still pitifully small when compared to the size of the kaiju outright.

He doesn't manage to get the entire foot, but two of the talons including the retraction apparatus are cut off and earmarked for Hong Kong.

The sun is rising by the time they've got as much workable material as they can. The team stands back, watching with a sigh as the body cavity collapses in on itself and the final stage of decomposition mixes everything together into an unsalvageable mess.

As they're stripping out of the decontamination suits for the final time, Mend looks over at Sheng. "Send me what you're working on, yeah? I'll look it over when I have some time."

"Will you also send me _your_ notes?" Sheng asks in a challenging tone.

"Well, we're just finishing up on the Milking Machine and, uh, some of the rest is confidential, but, um, yeah. I'll send you what I can. Most of it's on the K-Sci server, anyway."

Sheng shakes his head. "And so we return to our ways."

"Hey, no, dude. We're not working on anything involving research and a lot of our research is _literally_ eyes-only confidential. Whatever I get on this new stuff, I'll send to you. Because, y'know, it takes a village, am I right?" Mend says, twisting around and leaving the laces of his sneakers untied.

"Perhaps you are growing," Sheng says in a particularly condescending manner and returns to undressing.

"You've been talking to Hermann, haven't you?" Mend says with a shake of his head, stepping out of the suit and putting it carefully in the biohazard bin.

"Our fields have no overlap. Why would I?" Sheng says, looking genuinely confused.

"You sound like him is all," Mend says with a shrug. He dresses quickly and looks over his shoulder as he turns to leave. "I'm going to go supervise the team packing up the samples. I'll sort out Hong Kong and Sydney's allotment, anything you've got your eye on that I should leave alone?"

"The lung sample and the stomach. I have some theories about the underwater breathing apparatus I'd like to further. And the subject of digestion has come up more than once in certain discussions..." Sheng trails off, looking to the side and glaring at the wall.

"Kotova's got a point, man. We _don't_ know what they eat," Mend says with a smirk.

"I will be the one to find out," Sheng says, placid and immovable in his certainty.

"Looking forward to seeing your findings on the server, dude," Mend says and drums his hands on the doorframe. "See you at the next dissection if Tokyo and Vladivostok don't beat us."

"Goodbye, Geiszler." 

Mend leaves the tent and heads over to decontamination, passing by personnel who are still looking shell-shocked and worn down all these hours later. He shoves his hands in his pockets, keeping his eyes trained on the ground as he passes by. The aftermath of an attack is when he's at his busiest, the time-sensitivity coupled with his brain running at a thousand miles an hour to put the pieces together meant that he never really had time to stop and _think_ about what everyone was going through, but seeing them now...

It's been a while since they've lost a pilot, more than two years since Knifehead took Yancy Becket. He stops suddenly as he realises that he can't remember a single thing about how everyone reacted to that. Tendo had been subdued, often absent, but he doesn't remember much else.

Knifehead, though. He remembers Knifehead: three hundred and fifteen feet tall, eight thousand seven hundred metric tons of awe-inspiring information. What he'd learned from the bone samples sawn out of its nose alone had put his work lightyears ahead, the sheer strength of it enough to cleave a Jaeger's armour, and the sickle-shaped claw reminiscent of a raptor's had lead him in some interesting directions.

But the people? How they reacted? How _he_ should react? He has no clue.

He keeps avoiding peoples' eyes until he reaches the area where they're loading the samples.

"Okay, the claws are mine, put them on the Hong Kong pallet. Give me some skin samples and a piece of intestine as well," Mend says, looking over the list of samples one of the technicians is holding. "Sheng wants a lung sample and the stomach, so send them to Anchorage. Let's see, what have we got... Send the tongue to Sydney, a couple of the teeth, too. Oh, I want some of the gum. Gonna check if kaiju gingivitis is a thing." He looks up and grins at the nearest technician, but the returned smile is weak and he sobers. "Sorry. Um. Just split the rest of the samples up evenly between everyone."

He hands the clipboard back and watches as they continue the allocation process. When he asks one of the soldiers what the flight plans are, he finds out that nothing's leaving until Coyote's been placed on a ship bound for Oblivion Bay. Once the Jaeger's secure, the samples will be loaded into shipping containers and brought down the coast. 

The ship's not due until the next day.

It'll be days until anything arrives in Hong Kong.

He sighs and heads back to camp, looking for someone to give him a ride back to Savoonga so he can catch a commercial flight back to the states.

It takes him two days to get home. He could have waited on a military flight, but the thought of being surrounded by that much grief with nothing to distract himself put him on edge. By the time he makes it back to the Shatterdome, he's tired and dirty and just wants to sleep for an age.

He dumps his bag in his room and showers, feeling the grime and sweat sloughing off his skin and disappearing down the drain. He's still exhausted, but he makes his way down to the lab to face Hermann's music and hopefully get to sleep beside at least one warm body that night.

The lab's empty when he gets there. He walks around; checking on the rats - plump and docile - and anywhere Hermann could conceivably be hiding, but finds nothing. He leaves and heads out into the hallways, making his way up to the commissary. The grief is less palpable now, but a solemn pall hangs over the halls and makes everything sound louder than it should. 

He finds Tendo sitting at a table in the corner by himself, head in his hands and hunched over a cup of coffee.

"Hey, man," Mend says, sliding in across from him. "Got back about an hour ago and now I can't find Hermann. Any idea where he is?"

"Dude," Tendo says, starting and nearly knocking over his cup. "Mend, you've got to- Something's happened. You need to- Come on, we've got to go." Tendo stands quickly, downing the last of his coffee before dropping the cup on the table and hauling Mend up by the arm.

"What's happened? Is Hermann okay? Let go of my arm, I can fucking walk!" Mend yanks his arm away and glares at Tendo. "Where are we going?"

"Medical. It happened this morning. Nobody's really sure what's going on, but it's... it's not good," Tendo says, tugging on Mend's shoulder until he starts walking again.

"Is he awake? Can he talk to us? Did he fall off his ladder?" Mend asks, fear churning his gut as more and more complex scenarios play themselves out in his mind.

"His la- Mend, no, it's not Hermann. It's _Newt_ ," Tendo says and Mend stops in place, the emotional whiplash of relief colliding with fear making him unable to process. "Dr. Assaf was seeing him in his cell and then he was being taken to Medical. They haven't let me in to see him - it's family only - but Hermann's with him."

"Fuck," Mend says and then he's running through the halls, clattering over the metal and skidding around corners until he's standing in front of a nurse's station demanding to know where Newt is.

"Calm down, sir. Are you family?" the nurse asks and the glare Mend aims at her could stop a bull in its tracks.

"Am I family?" Mend sputters and he knows he's never met everyone in the Shatterdome, but he was pretty damn sure everyone had heard of _that_ particular lab accident. " _He's my brother_." 

She nods once and looks down at her screen. "Newton Geiszler is in room... 3.6G. Take that corridor to the end and turn left."

Mend doesn't respond, just turns and pelts down the hall, narrowly avoiding slamming into the far wall on the turn before he's slowing to check the numbers on each room.

When he finds the right one, he pushes open the door and sees Newt on the bed, still fully dressed, staring down at his hands, and Hermann sitting in a chair by the wall, head resting on his hand.

"Newt, what the fuck? Are you okay?" Mend says, rushing over to the bed and grabbing Newt's hand.

Newt shakes his head and looks away, remaining silent.

"He hasn't said a word since I've been here," Hermann says, looking tired in his chair. "Apparently hasn't since before he got here. Beverly told me that while speaking to Dr. Assaf in the brig his words became... jumbled."

"The aphasia's back?" Mend asks, colour draining from his face.

"We don't know for sure. Won't, unless Newton starts speaking again." Hermann's mouth turns down at the edge, a mixture of worry and frustration that makes him look a decade older.

"Newt?" Mend says, hauling himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. "Come on, man. We can fix this; we've done it before. You just gotta talk to me so we can work it out."

Newt shakes his head, crossing his arms over his chest and looking at the wall.

"Dude, please, come on, we might not have time for this," Mend says, rubbing a hand up Newt's arm.

"My bed's _fine_ ," Newt says in a rough voice.

"Shit," Mend says, stomach dropping. He grabs Newt roughly and pulls him close, pressing his head down to his chest and kissing the crown. "We can fix this. We know how to fix this."

"But for how strong?" Newt says into Mend's shirt, sounding miserable even though he's muffled. "We fixed it before. It didn't _stay_ fixed _.“_

"We will keep fixing you every time, buddy. We will work shit out and we will get you right, okay? Has Katz been in to see you?"

"She took some bud when I came in," Newt says, keeping his voice low as though he's afraid someone other than Mend will hear him.

Mend hugs him tight, looking over at Hermann at a loss. "How long has he been here?"

"Five hours? They called me a few hours later," Hermann says with a shrug.

Mend nods and looks back at Newt, pulling away so he can look him in the eye. "You're going to be alright for a while, yeah? I want to go track down Katz and see what's up."

"I can survive without you," Newt says, sitting back and staring at the wall, disgruntled.

"Yeah, you're a big kid now. Nearly five months; soon you'll be crawling," Mend says, defaulting to teasing to try and get Newt out of his funk.

"Sassbowl," Newt says, lips turning down in an unhappy pout.

"Okay, I definitely know what you meant then, but I like that better, so I'm gonna steal it," Mend says patting Newt's thigh as he slides off the bed and turns to Hermann. "Call me if anything comes up." He gives him a half-smile and heads out into the hall.

He checks Katz's office and is directed to the Medical labs where he finds her sitting at a microscope frowning.

"I just got back from the ass end of nowhere and found out. What the hell is going on?" Mend asks, pulling over a chair and sitting down.

"You're not going to like it," Katz says, sitting back and rubbing her eyes.

"I don't like the fact that Newt called me a 'Sassbowl' when I insulted him," Mend says giving her a level look. "Hit me."

She looks at the microscope and gestures at it helplessly. "His blood has a low goo content. I compared it to samples taken from both of you after you split, and his is at least a third lower than that. I think... I think his body might be breaking down."

"No." Mend shakes his head. "That's not- No. Syphon some out of me and give it to him. If we can up his goo count, he'll get better."

"It's not that simple. You need to maintain _your_ goo count," Katz says, shaking her head.

"For what? I don't need it. I'm not the clone. If we give it to him-"

"Mend, stop." Katz raises a hand and leans forward, staring at him seriously. "You're not the clone, but you have clone _parts_. If it's as it appears - that Newt needs a certain amount of goo in his system to continuing functioning - then we can't risk your life to save his."

"You took blood when we first got to the brig. What's my count?" Mend asks, refusing to give in.

"You're a quarter down on the first tests. That points to the goo breaking down over time."

"No it doesn't. I gave blood while Newt was in surgery _and_ you syphoned some out of me after he came out of the coma. That second time was pure goo. If it's low in my system it's because _you took it out_." Mend stands and paces, scrubbing his hands over his face as he thinks. "So, we're down because Newt lost a shitload of blood and I gave him some of mine. We need it for our innards to keep functioning. I can't give him any more because _I_ might stop functioning. Solution?" Mend stops and looks down at Katz. "We make more."

"What? How? We can't just go exposing you to more of the original goo. We'll end up with _another clone_ and you'll become even _less_ human," Katz says, staring up at him like he's gone crazy.

"Then we don't expose me... We expose the blood. Or, no, _no_ , we expose _the goo_ ," Mend says, eyes going wide at the realisation. "Oh my god, that's it. If the goo requires a genetic code in order to replicate, then it could conceivably replicate from goo _already_ imprinted with a genetic code. We syphon some out of me, introduce the goo to the sample, let it replicate, and _bam_. We've got a pretty much never ending supply of replacement goo."

"And a never-ending supply of replacement Newts," Katz says with a shake of her head. "Unless you've got a plan to stop it replicating indefinitely, that's not going to fly. What's to say that introducing goo to DNA-locked goo and then to a living body isn't going to cause the goo to start the organic replication process again? I don't think we need any more of you bouncing around like Gremlins."

"Fuck," Mend slumps back in his chair, scrubbing his hands over his face. "There's an answer here, I know there is."

"Sometimes there isn't. At least, not a sane one."

"No, I mean, there's an answer in _here_ ," Mend points at his head, a frustrated frown twisting his features. "My brain's pinging me again and again, but I can't figure out the connection, or _what_ I need to connect. Ugh, this is- fuck, shit, damn, what am I _missing_? It's here, I know it is." He presses his fingers into his eyes until geometric patterns appear and shift before looking up at Katz helplessly. "How much time do you think we have?"

"Honestly? I don't know," Katz says, turning and picking up a tablet. "He didn't deteriorate much after he woke from the coma, but we managed to find a fix for that fairly quickly. I'm going to run some tests to see how his other systems are doing - kidney and liver, heart, lungs - to gauge whether this is going to domino. He could have years... or he could have days. We just can't tell."

"I'm not going to sit around on my ass if it could be days. I'm heading down to the lab. Call me if you find anything." Mend pushes up and heads out into the corridors, making his way down to the lab as quickly as possible.

The lights are still on when he gets there, one of Hermann's computers churning through a dataset and an equation on the board that might be half-complete. He heads into the alcove and digs through all the research and results they have on the Taurax goo, trying to find the thing that's making his brain ping.

He's not sure how long he works - at least a few hours given the way his neck cricks when he looks up - but he hears the door to the lab open and the unmistakable thump of Hermann entering.

"Is everything okay? You're here, so Newt can't be too bad, can he?" Mend asks as he shoves everything to the side and runs into the lab proper.

"Newton is fine, if monosyllabic," Hermann says in a disgruntled tone as he stumps to his side of the lab and checks the water in the kettle before flicking it on.

"He's still not talking much?" Mend asks as he follows behind and leans against the rail to watch Hermann prepare his tea.

Hermann stares into the cup as he pulls open a teabag. "I wanted to break up with you."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stressful period is over for the time being. It all fell apart and failed, but, hey, that's life. Woo.
> 
> Posting will become more regular soon, but I've yet to send the next chapters off so I don't know when the next one will be up.

Mend feels his stomach lurch and he has to cover his mouth for a moment before he feels he can speak without following through on the nausea. "What? Why would you- I don't-" 

"I was going to when you got out of the brig, but then the attack happened and now this." Hermann places the teabag in the cup with determined precision. "It's not... This is not the kind of relationship I want in my life."

Mend blinks to clear his eyes, fingers clutching around the cool steel of the railing so he doesn't fly across the space and spin Hermann around. "I don't understand. Why now? Is it something I've done? Is it... is it me? Is it _Newt_?" 

"Is it something you've done?" Hermann says in a cold, restrained tone, lips thinning and nostrils flaring as he turns to glare at Mend. " _Is it something you've done_?! You leave. Both of you. You run and you hide and you tell me _nothing_. So, yes, it is _something you've done_. It is _something you do_. Constantly. I refuse to be in a relationship that's one sided. I _refuse_ to be the kind of person who just waits patiently for their lover to return. I have expended an inordinate amount of energy convincing you that I'm not going to leave you and then you about face and treat _me_ with so little respect. I _refuse_ to let you walk all over me like this. I _refuse_ to be your security blanket waiting until you need me. I-"

"No!" Mend yells, darting forward and holding out a hand to stop Hermann speaking. "That's not- I never wanted to leave you. _Never_. I- This is a fucking shitstorm. This is- We were never running away from you; we were never _leaving_ you. Shit, I fucking told Katz this would happen, fuck. I- Hermann, just- Please, hear me out, let me talk! Let me explain!" 

Hermann sniffs and takes a step back and leans back against the railing. "Go on then. _Explain_ ," Hermann says, hand gripping the shaft of his cane in a way that makes Mend feel slightly nervous. 

"We never- This wasn't about- This isn't normal operating procedure for us. You _know_ that. You- We're in super-existential crisis mode right now. This isn't _us_. It's... Fuck. I never wanted to leave you. _He_ never wanted to leave you. I wanted to tell you I was going, but... but I couldn't. I spent _hours_ writing that email to you, making sure you'd get it well after I'd gone. Because if you knew? If you _knew_? You would have been in the brig with us. I couldn't make you an accomplice to that. I did a dumb thing, I _know_ I did a dumb thing, but I didn't want you to get caught up in my dumb thing. I l- I like you too much to-"

Hermann's brow furrows for a moment, but he shakes it off, eyes hardening as he waves a hand at Mend. "For heaven's sake, the fact that you keep doing that _proves_ we shouldn't be together. If you don't feel it after all this time, then why are you fighting me? I don't want to be your security blanket. I don't-"

"What? Wait, _what_? What am I doing? What don't I feel?" Mend asks, genuinely confused. He can't keep track of Hermann's argument and the roiling feeling in his stomach's getting stronger.

" _Love_ ," Hermann spits, lip curling up in a sneer. "You change your mind every time; I can physically _see_ you deciding not to say it. You pull a face and then barrel on as though you hope I won't notice. But I've _noticed_. I thought that perhaps you were working up to it, but it's beyond that now. Now you're just being _cruel_."

" _What_?" Mend blinks, jaw dropping open as he tries to get his brain to function. "I don't- It's not- No. It's- You don't say it after two months. You _don't_. It _scares_ people!"

"We've known each other _eight years!_ " Hermann bellows, slamming his cane down hard enough to make the metal ring and echo through the lab.

"But we've only been seeing each other _two months_!" Mend shouts back helplessly. "You said that there's no way I can make you stay even if what I'm doing is trying to make you not go, but saying that will _definitely_ make you go so I don't- I just- I don't understand what you want from me. Do you want a reason to leave? Do you want me to be the reason we failed? Because we both knew it was going to be me and you didn't seem to need a reason before. I don't know what you expect. I don't know what to _do_. I thought... I thought we'd have more time." He swallows against the growing tightness in his throat and looks away, blinking rapidly to stave off the sudden wateriness of his eyes. He can just make out Hermann wiping a hand over his face and turning away, walking slowly across the room. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I wanted to give you me at my best, but... but I gave you my worst." He gives a short, mirthless laugh. "I bet you didn't think I could go any lower. Surprise." 

He turns back to the alcove, smoothing down the towel and straightening his instruments to try and get his head back to the point where he can work. His eyes keep welling up and he has to control his breathing because he can hear Hermann on his side of the room. He tried so hard and fucked up so much and all he can think is that he doesn't want Hermann to have to see just how much it hurts.

After a while of moving things from one place to another without rhyme or reason, he hears Hermann turn and set his cane down with a precise thump.

"You can't say it, but you want to?"

Mend freezes; he hadn't thought Hermann would want to speak to him again. He presses his lips together, not trusting his voice, and lets out a quiet _Mmhmm._

"Then _say_ it." Hermann's voice is firm and challenging and it makes Mend squeeze his eyes shut tight because he hadn't thought it could get worse but now _it's so much worse._

"I can't," he says and his voice cracks; it feels like sandpaper in his throat.

"Can't, or won't?"

Mend turns and looks at Hermann, standing straight and tall and staring down his nose at Mend and _god_ , even when he's ripping Mend's heart out he looks goddamn _regal_. 

"Newt. He's... We haven't spoken about it," Mend says, feeling himself shrink at the ghost of a sneer hovering on Hermann's lip.

"I'm not dating a _committee_ ," Hermann spits, stumping forward and stopping a few metres away from Mend. "I want to know what _you_ feel."

"I..." Mend flexes his fingers, feeling a cold sweat break out on his neck. "I _want_ to tell you but... but this is too big to do without Newt. It's just... it's uneven."

Hermann's lips purse and he's clearly fighting the urge to roll his eyes. "Uneven. Of course. So anything between the two of you, that's even, but anything between you and me, or him and me, that's uneven?"

"That's not what I meant! He's _me_. We're the _same_. If we tell you things at different times it's like I'm jumping ahead or leaving him behind. I'm trying to keep us all on the same level," Mend says, trying to make Hermann understand what he's deliberately refusing to see.

"But we're not on the same level, not in the slightest," Hermann says with a sniff. "I'm on a step down waiting for the pair of you to confer and pass judgement on what is and isn't permissible."

"What the fuck? It's never been like that. There's been a few big things we've had to work out but we've never tried to _exclude_ you."

"Well, you have. It feels like I'm constantly playing catch-up, working out where I stand at any given moment. I never know whether I'm supposed to be telling you how similar or how different you are. I can't do it anymore. You are very alike, but you are _different people_ in _different bodies_. You have to accept your individuality." Hermann steps closer, looking down at Mend imploringly. "He's not your light, Mendelssohn; you can grow without his input."

Mend stares at Hermann and the thing that's been pinging in his brain lights up and flashes. He desperately tries to stay in the moment and formulate a response for Hermann, but it's too late, his mind's racing on. 

"The _light_. The fucking _light_. I knew it! I knew there was something! I need-" Mend cuts himself off short. His mind's still racing but he can see the way Hermann's shoulders are slumping and his eyes are dimming and he manages to pull it all together to focus on not ruining everything. "I think you just saved Newt's life," Mend says stepping closer and staring at Hermann, eyes wide. "I know that's not what you were aiming for but... my brain. Ironically, it's kind of what's happening with us, a little, maybe. Sort of. If I'm right, the UV light _slows_ the growth of the goo and it's possible that, with enough exposure, it could arrest its growth completely. It can only grow _without_ a direct source of UV. Newt's present in every conversation, every interaction, we have. I'm not saying we should remove him from the equation, just that, maybe, we should stop focusing on each other so much. Maybe, we should focus a little more on you?"

"Why is that a question?" Hermann asks and it's the exact sort of stubbornness Mend has come to expect of him.

"I don't know? Because it's what I want to say but I don't know if it's what you want to hear?" Mend says and moves closer. He reaches out a tentative hand and, when Hermann doesn't shy away, places his palm on his chest. "You mean _so_ much to me; I can't even begin to tell you. Not because I can't say _those_ words yet, but... because I don't have _any_ words that can come close. I just- It would fill a book bigger than _War and Peace_ but I can't write for shit so it'd probably be an epic lab report with tables and graphs and endless analyses. That still wouldn't be enough to explain it all, and the conclusion would probably just be 'he makes my heart go thumpety-thump'."

Hermann's jaw is still tight, but he's closing his eyes and turning his head away. "I'm still angry with you. _Very_ angry."

"I'm not saying you shouldn't be," Mend says, curling his fingers into the lapels of Hermann's blazer. "I'm saying... I'm saying I don't want you to break up with me. Or him. Or us. I'm saying we need to talk this out. I'm saying _please_. Please don't let this be the end. Please let me fix this. _Please_."

Hermann shakes his head and looks down at Mend's hand on his chest. "Mendelssohn... _Mend_... It's your _name_ , not your _designation_. It's not your job to fix us." Hermann places his hand over Mend's. "We are not a problem to solve."

"But we're _having_ problems and I can solve them - _we_ can solve them. I can see the pieces and I know how they fit and I can fix the problems you're having with me and Newt _and_ the problems Newt's having with his brain," Mend says, turning his hand in Hermann's and squeezing it tight. "I just... I _need_ to prioritize Newt's brain because it's a health issue, but I _want_ to prioritize you. Doesn't that tell you something? Doesn't that- You believe me, right? I'm not just saying this. I'm literally stopping this idea from taking over because you mean _that_ much to me."

Hermann closes his eyes, chin dropping to his chest as he bites his lip. 

Mend feels Hermann's fingers twitch against his own and then the back of his hand is being patted and Hermann's stepping away.

"I know your mind; I know your _focus_." Hermann gives him a tired, yet understanding look and lets Mend's hand slip from his own. "Go save the day."

"Wiil it- Are we- Will it be worth saving?" Mend asks as Hermann turns to walk away.

"It's always worth saving, even if the outcome is not the one you hoped," Hermann says, looking at Mend over his shoulder. "We'll save this talk for when we're _all_ able to have it." 

Mend watches as Hermann continues across the room, feeling only marginally reassured. He walks back to his alcove to find the relevant data, but something stops him before he can sit down. Turning, he runs across the room, catching Hermann before he can open the door. He stops in front of him, breath coming heavy as anxiety pools in his chest.

Hermann raises an eyebrow, looking down at him expectantly, but Mend can only open and close his mouth without making a sound.

He knows he has to say something - _now_ \- but all the words are a jumble in his mind and a tangle in his throat and all he can do is wrap his arms around Hermann and hold tight. One hand cups the back of Hermann's head as he presses his forehead to Hermann's cheek, dragging his nose up the lightly stubbled skin as he forces out a rasping, whispered _I love you_.

Hermann's breath catches in his throat and he feels the hug returned, lips pressing gently against his hair, and only then can he let Hermann go and return to the alcove to dig through the research.

It takes him an hour to find it and he spends the next two hours working out how to implement it before taking it to Katz.

"No, seriously, it's been there all along, it just took Newt nearly dying - _twice_ \- for us to figure out what it meant," Mend says, hands on his hips as Katz looks over his report.

"We don't know that this condition is fatal," Katz says, giving him a pointed look and turning her attention back to the tablet. "How will you test it? I'm not letting you test it on your own blood; the Marshall won't let you test it on your own blood. Basically, it's not getting anywhere _near_ any part of you until we know for sure that this will work."

"We've still got rats. I mean, at this stage, the Control rat's just sitting there getting tubby - it's been months. If I can expose the control rat, prove it's infected, and then stop it from splitting, _then_ will you let me try and fix Newt?" Mend asks and he realises too late that he's actually clasping his hands together like he's praying but Katz has already seen it and there's nothing he can do.

"Okay, we'll do a test run on the rat, but if it gets to the blood stage and there's _any_ sign of it going beyond simple goo replication, we are killing it with fire, you hear me?" 

"Incinerate a potential triplet, check," Mend says, nodding solemnly as Katz shakes her head and hands the tablet back. "Has Newt deteriorated any further?"

"Not that we can tell; his nouns are still out of whack, hasn't encroached on any other word-types or grammatical functions. You'll be the first person we call if anything changes. Go run the test so you can prove us all wrong and save Newt's sorry ass." 

"Okay, I think the fastest I can do this is twelve hours, twenty-four max. Is Newt being held overnight?" 

"At this stage, he's fine other than the aphasia, but keeping him for observation is the safest option."

"Right, yeah, I want him somewhere people can do something if shit hits the fan," Mend says, nodding absently as he turns to leave. "Do you have any of the goo from the last time left?"

"Only enough for two small injections," Katz says with a shake of her head. "Last time we had a whole bag, I'm not sure that's-"

"Can you give him some? At least one of them? Just to give us a little bit more time?"

"I don't know, Mend," Katz says, looking away as she thinks. "I think we should save them for an emergency."

"You've got _two_ and this _is_ an emergency," Mend says, staring at Katz in desperation.

"I'll tell you what, I'll go down and check on him now - see how he's doing, run a quick cognitive test - and if I think he needs it, I'll give it to him. If he's maintaining a similar level to the last test, I'll give it to him in a few hours," Katz says, raising an eyebrow to gauge Mend's reaction. "You'll get your time, but I don't want to rob Peter to pay back Paul."

"What? Who's Peter? Who's _Paul_? Why are you robbing them?" Mend shakes his head, thoroughly confused.

"Dude, it's _an idiom_. If I give it to him now and he doesn't need it, I'm stealing time he could have had in the future." She reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze as she continues. "This is fringe science, man. This is fringe _medicine_. We can't be sure that anything we're doing will work, but I'm going to default to logic to make sure we fuck this up as little as possible."

"I just... I want him to be okay," Mend says, trying not to feel small at the admission. "Everything's been fucked up for so long now and... and this is just another way the universe is reinforcing that he's... that he's not like me."

"This is just reinforcing that he experienced a major trauma and his life is always going to be a little different now," Katz says, sliding an arm around Mend's shoulder as she walks him toward the door. "I'll talk to him, okay. When I do the tests. I'll let him know what I've found, what you're doing, and try to drive home that this is another offshoot of the accident, not because he's the way he is."

"I don't know how much that'll help, but it'll give his brain something to chew on that isn't his inferiority," Mend says as they step into the hall. "Let him know that I'll be coming back up once everything's in motion." 

Mend ducks away before she can answer, disappearing down the hall and making his way back to the labs as fast as he can. He sets up to expose the control rat, working through the afternoon to make sure its cage is soundproof and the UV light will have complete coverage. It's well after dinner - a bowl of ramen bolted down as he double checks the camera set-up - when he rubs a small swab of the goo into the back of the rat's neck and waits to ensure it's taken hold.

"Eight o'clock pm. The control rat has been exposed to the substance and I'm now confirming that infection has taken hold," Mend says into his recorder as he flicks the lightswitch and presses play on the laptop. "With exposure to the ultraviolet light and the sonic frequency the rat has begun glowing - infection is confirmed. The UV light will remain on for twelve hours and the computer has been programmed to play five seconds of a Doors song once every hour to give visual confirmation on whether the infection has been reversed, arrested, or accelerated."

He sets the rat into the cage and secures it before setting the audio program to run and heading back to Medical.

Newt's lying on his side staring at the wall, face drawn and body tight, when he enters.

"Hey, man," he says as closes the door behind him. "Where's Hermann?"

"Left sours ago," Newt mumbles, not looking up.

"You've been in here alone?" 

Newt shrugs and Mend sighs, walking to the edge of the bed and shoving Newt in the side.

"Scootch over, bud. I'm getting in." Mend toes his shoes off and clambers onto the bed, inserting himself beside Newt. He wraps an arm around Newt's middle and kisses the side of his head. "Hermann is beyond pissed at us and he's probably right to be. I think we'll be okay, though."

"Why's he pissed?" Newt asks, reluctantly resting his head on Mend's shoulder.

"Dude, you ran off and joined a cult, I ran off and followed you, then I was in the brig for almost a week, and _then_ I was sent to the ass end of nowhere after the kaiju attack. It's been more than two weeks of stress and freak outs and he was in the dark for most of it." Mend rubs Newt's shoulder and rests his cheek against Newt's forehead. "He wanted to break up with us."

"He fucking _what_?!" Newt's head shoots up, staring down at Mend wide-eyed. "I have to go find him. I need to- I should have just fucking told- _Let me go!_ " 

Mend shakes his head, wrapping his arms tighter around Newt. "You need to stay here where they can keep an eye on you if shit hits the fan. He's not breaking up with us. At least, not yet. I've got him to hold off until you're better so we can all talk and work shit out."

"I'm _fine_ , Mend. I'm not going to fucking fall apart in the team it takes me to have a convocation," Newt says, still struggling.

"Dude, give me a second to figure out what you meant and maybe take a second to think about _why_ it's possibly not the best time to go have an over-emotional conversation with Hermann."

"Shit," Newt says, trying to pull away but Mend won't let him go. "Shit shit _shit_." He relents after a while and buries his face in Mend's shoulder. "Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? I wasn't that much of an sassbowl, was I?"

"If it was anything you did, it'd be happening to me, too," Mend says, stroking Newt's hair. "This is just some spectacularly shitty luck."

"I don't believe in fuck," Newt grumbles, voice muffled in Mend's shirt.

"Oh, man, one day you'll find that funny. Trust me," Mend says, half-smiling into Newt's hair. "It doesn't matter if we believe in it or not, shitty things are going to happen. _But_ , I'm not leaving it up to chance. Did Katz tell you I've got an experiment running? We should know by morning if what I think is doable actually _is_ doable."

"What're you doing?" Newt asks, raising his head to look at Mend, tired but curious.

Mend outlines the experiment and by the time he's done, Newt's looking somewhat appeased.

"Don't know if I would have figured it out if you hadn't found the weird link between the UV and the transformation timeline." Mend says, kissing Newt's temple as he presses his head down to rest on his shoulder again. "Could be that what we're thinking of as bad luck is actually really good luck, we just can't see it that way because we're in the middle of it."

"How do you figure that?"

"If the accident never happened, we never would have found out that our bodies need the goo to survive now. We could have gone years without finding out, and by that time we probably wouldn't have any of the original sample left. Now we know we need to preserve it."

"I gate being a Guinea Twig," Newt says, sneer evident in his tone.

Mend blinks for a moment before understanding hits. "You're not a Guinea Pig. You're an _incredibly_ smart, attractive man, who has some other _incredibly_ smart and attractive people working to get you better," Mend says, jostling his shoulder to make Newt look up. "And at least one of those people is Katz."

Newt gives him a ghost of a smile and lays his head back down and Mend feels his breath catch at the fact that he can look at a face - his _own_ face, no less - and feel an almost overwhelming amount of love and fear.

"I told Hermann I love him," he blurts and feels Newt stiffen.

"Oh." Newt blinks for a moment, then sighs. "Is that why he wants to leave us?" he asks in a resigned tone.

"No, _no_. He kind of- He goaded me into it," Mend says, cringing at how pathetic it sounds. "I didn't want to say it- Well, I _did_ , but I didn't want to say it _this soon_. I told him it was a bad idea and he yelled at me. He was all _we've known each other for eight years!_ I think he wants us to stop running everything past each other before we talk to him. And yeah, I get why, but at the same time, I don't want to be blabbing about _your_ feelings when you're not ready. Even though you were the first one to say it, just not to his face."

Newt huffs and pulls his glasses off, turning his face to rub it against Mend's shoulder. "Why does it have to be so complicated?"

"We're complicated people," Mend says, patting Newt's shoulder. "Maybe we should try it? Just a little? At least with Hermann. I mean, emotionally? Sort of, if we feel it, we can say it, and we don't have to talk to each other first. I've kind of blown the biggest one now, so it's not really like we've got anything to lose."

"I haven't said it," Newt says, turning his head to look up at Mend, worry tightening the corners of his eyes.

"Yeah, but you will. And you get to do it when you're actually ready," Mend says, lips twisting with regret. "You get to have that perfect moment with him."

"I'm pretty sure we would have pended up saying it at a dumb team, anyway," Newt sighs, slumping against Mend. "We have to be different steeple now."

Mend pauses to make sure he's got Newt's meaning right before continuing. "We kind of are," he says, giving Newt's shoulder a squeeze. "It was kind of weird in the beginning, the whole 'having feelings for myself' thing. Super narcissistic, you know the drill. But now? Now shit's changed us. You're doing things I never would have had the guts to do. I _wanted_ to join the kaiju cult to see what was inside, but I don't think I ever would have actually done it."

"I didn't have anything to lose." Newt shrugs and Mend's heart twists.

"You had me. And Hermann. Still do."

"I still don't understand _why_ ," Newt says, twisting so he can look Mend in the eye. "Even after talking to Dr. Carafe, I still don't feel _real_. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even there. Steeple will be talking around me and I just start to... float. I'm not there and nobody can see me and there's no toned in shouting to get anyone's impression because I'm never going to be _me_ again."

"You will. You still _are_ ," Mend says, pulling Newt close and touching their foreheads together. "I'm not going to pretend to be able to do Dr. Assaf's job, but this is... this is just teething problems. You're getting used to it and stuff. It's... Nothing's really _changed_. You're still you, I'm still me, and Hermann's still Hermann. You're _important_ to us. You round us out. Honestly? I don't think we would have lasted as long as we have _without_ you. I love you, man. And I'm pretty sure Hermann does, too."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because if there wasn't _something_ there, we wouldn't have a boyfriend anymore. The fact that he's giving us another chance, that he actually wants to talk it out? That's fucking _monumental_." Mend cups Newt's cheek and kisses him, slow and gentle. "I don't think he'd do that if he didn't love you like I do."

"I guess," Newt says, sounding unconvinced.

"You're not going to believe it until he says it to your face, right?" Mend says, lips tilting up in a fond smile. "I thought I'd feel the same. I _did_ feel the same, but then it sort of sank in while I was working: Hermann doesn't pussyfoot around. If he was going to break up with us, he _would have_. He wanted a fight. I think he still does. You know what he's like; when he's livid and serious, he goes cold, he doesn't talk. He wants to talk to us. He wants to sort it out." He reaches up to stroke Newt's hair, smoothing the unstyled mess down. "I never thought I'd be one of those people who thinks they know what other people are feeling - especially not when those people are _Hermann_ \- but I honestly believe that he feels a little more than _like_ for us."

"I whole you're right," Newt says, pulling away to reach down and tug the blanket over both of them. "I just want all of this to be over."

"It's been a fuck of a day. Get some sleep. We'll know in a few hours if this will work," Mend says, pressing Newt's head down to his shoulder and pressing a soft kiss to his temple.

Mend listens to Newt sigh and settle down, rubbing a hand over his shoulder to soothe him before following him into sleep.

The next morning, he stays long enough to kiss Newt awake and reassure him that they'd know very soon.

He runs through the empty halls to the lab and finds Hermann staring at a computer screen with a glum expression, clothes wrinkled and dishevelled and looking suspiciously like the ones he'd been wearing the day before.

"You've been here all night?" Mend asks, skidding to a halt halfway into the lab.

"I couldn't sleep," Hermann replies, not looking away from his simulation.

"Shit." Mend glances over at the soundproofed rat cage on the far side of the room and back over to Hermann. "I know we're fighting right now and we're not supposed to- Can I still touch you? I mean, you look wrecked and I- I still care about you, man. I don't like seeing you like this."

"Then I suppose it's a good thing you weren't _here_ for two weeks." Hermann sniffs and pulls his blazer closer around his body.

Mend sighs and walks up the steps and past Hermann, flicking on the kettle as he passes before heading into Hermann's alcove and taking his parka off the hatstand in the corner. He drapes it over Hermann's shoulders, and sets up a teacup and saucer, picking a teabag at random and dropping it into the cup.

By the time it's ready, Hermann looks slightly warmer, but no less annoyed.

"What if I didn't want tea?" Hermann asks, eyeing the cup with a frown.

"Then I'd owe you a teabag." Mend shrugs and reluctantly heads towards his side of the lab.

"That particular tea is forty dollars for a box of ten and it's only available once a year," Hermann says in a pointed tone.

Mend muffles his sigh and keeps walking. "Then I'd owe you a really expensive teabag." Mend starts setting up to take the readings. "If you didn't want me to use that bag, you would have yelled at me to stop before I'd gotten it out of the box. You either really wanted the comfort of the expensive teabags, or you want another fight. We can fight if you want to - I mean, shit, you are _beyond_ needing a legitimate reason to be angry with me - but I think... I think you want us to work out."

Hermann sniffs again and turns back to his work, actively projecting that the conversation is over.

Mend tries not to be too cheered by Hermann's lack of denial - they've still got a long way to go - but it's enough that he doesn't feel so weighed down while he works.

Leaning in beside the recorder, he checks his watch and starts to speak. "Eight AM, twelve hours have passed since initial exposure. If my theory is correct, the rat should be showing a lessened state of infection. Playing the sonic indicator now." He hits the spacebar on the laptop and holds his breath as Love Me Two Times starts to play. 

The rat scuttles around the cage, raising on its hind paws to sniff at the spot Where Mend is all but pressed up against the Plexiglas. 

It doesn't glow.

"Holy shit," Mend whispers, unable to stop it from slipping out. He clears his throat and shakes his head, quickly hitting the spacebar and continuing. "Infection rate appears to be completely arrested, if not reversed. I'll take a blood test to confirm, but at this stage the theory appears to be correct." 

Turning the camera off he lets out a whoop and dances in place.

"I take it you were successful," Hermann says in a faux-indifferent tone.

"The rat's not infected now," Mend says with a bright smile. "I have to test its blood to make sure its goo motility is non-existent, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to convince Katz to go ahead with human trials by the end of the day."

"You're going to test it on him? Already?" Hermann asks, all pretence dropped as concern wins out.

"Not on _him_ , specifically. I think we can cut out the middle man and just replicate the goo his body needs without risking another clone," Mend says, gleeful at the prospect. "It's fucked up, I know, but, man, _this_ is why I got into science in the first place. It took fucking months but all the pieces are starting to fit together and it makes sense. It _always_ makes sense."

Hermann stares at him in a way that Mend has trouble interpreting, as though he wants to smile, but needs to frown.

Mend sobers and looks back at the rat. "Um, yeah. I'll work through this and I should have a better idea of what sort of timeframe Newt's recovery will have."

"Don't rush," Hermann says in a subdued tone. "Make sure the process won't set Newt back. I can assure you I'll still be angry by the time you finish."

"Ha." Mend says as he sits at the laptop to run through the footage taken overnight.

He runs through it at triple speed, watching as the brief sections of the rat glowing get dimmer and dimmer as the night progresses. Taking up a tablet, he takes a few notes about the timeframe and wishes he had more time to check other variables; weight, light strength, volume? It'd give him a better idea of how to proceed, but with the resources he has, he can safely say that eight hours exposure to ultraviolet will arrest the infection in small subjects.

He takes blood and confirms that the goo has ceased actively replicating. It appears similar to the post-transformation goo of all the subjects - himself and Newt included - and it's with confidence that he races up to Medical to show Katz the results.

"That's all the proof you need, right? We can test it on the goo now," Mend says trying to sound like he's telling her what's going to happen, not questioning if he's allowed.

"Dude, it's one trial. Give me a moment to read over what you've got," Katz says, sounding exasperated as she leans back in her chair staring at the tablet.

Mend sits in the chair opposite, trying not to fidget or stare at her. He considers sitting on his hands to stop the urge, but pulls out his phone and pretends to be intensely interested in his email instead.

"You're sure you managed to expose the rat in the first place?" Katz asks with a frown, looking almost reluctant as she turns her attention back to Mend.

"It's all on film, man," Mend says, jumping up and taking the tablet to show her the sped up version of the video. "If you know of something that can make a rat luminesce at regular intervals, I'd love to know about it. One, because it'd be awesome, two, because it'd make forging results for _ridiculously specific_ experiments easy." Mend glares at Katz as he taps his finger on the screen in emphasis.

"Keep your voice down," Katz says in a serious tone, glancing at the door as she powers down the tablet and sets it on the desk. "I'm seriously going out on a limb here; I need to know that you're not just dicking me around to get what you want. This shit could take _months_ to get a pass through proper channels. If I'm going to make a judgment call in the name of emergency care, I want everything as airtight as possible."

Mend sobers, face shifting into solemn sincerity as he settles back on the chair. "It's as thorough as possible given the short timeframe. I've got unaltered video covering the entirety of the experiment - more than twelve hours of it - from exposure to when I checked this morning. I've got the results from the blood test, which gave visual confirmation of the goo state being near indistinguishable from the inert form of the goo in all the post-transformation clones and originals. We can run it through the MassSpec to back it up. I have a million and one reasons to not fuck this up. Now I have a million and two. I wouldn't be pushing for this if I didn't think it could work."

Katz purses her lips, closing her eyes as she breathes steadily through her nose. She's silent for a while and when she opens her eyes, she looks assured and determined. "Here's what we're going to do: we'll fast-track the results through the MassSpec and syphon a little more goo out of you - not too much, but your system can take it a little better than Newt's can right now. While that's happening, I'll run the cognitive tests on Newt again. There wasn't a huge difference between last night and this morning, but it's possible that I can argue that the fact that it's a repeat performance of the aphasia and it hasn't gone away in the same amount of time indicates a worsening condition. That coupled with the possibility of a brain bleed should give us enough wiggle room to get around any questions that may come up."

"We're doing this, right? We test it on my goo and see if it's enough?" Mend snaps his mouth shut, trying not to let his fear of refusal overwhelm him and set him to babbling.

"We're not going to advertise the fact that we're doing it, but we're doing it," Katz says, setting the tablet down on the table. "Meet me in the Donor Room in twenty minutes. I need to work some things out. We'll do the rest in your lab."

"Sure, yeah, sure. I'll go tell Newt-"

"Don't tell Newt," Katz says, grabbing his arm before he can stand. "Don't tell Hermann. The less they know, the better."

"Um. We've got this huge thing about transparency in our relationship and I've just got in a whole pile of shit about not telling Hermann things and I've kind of already told him what I think I can do so-"

"Dude, shut up. Don't tell him or Newt what we're doing _now_. If they ask, we're still running tests," Katz says, shaking her head at him. "The last thing we need is it getting out that we're doing some potentially dangerous shit without permission."

"Right. Yeah, sure, right. I got this. Just- Experiments. We're doing experiments." Mend nods, licking his lips and wiping his palms off on his pants. "I'll go _not_ tell Newt."

He leaves Katz's office and hurries down to Newt's room, finding him sitting cross-legged on the bed staring glumly at a tablet.

"Dude, it worked," he says, jumping up on the bed to sit beside him. "The UV reversed the process. Or inhibited or something. Either way, the goo in the rat's system is inert."

"Okay. Now what? You expose me and then make me sit in the done for a while?" Newt asks and Mend stares at him.

"Sit in the what?"

"The done. Big bright seen in the scow? Giant door of cars? Forget it," Newt glares and slumps back against the pillows. "Can't even talk about the done. This is fucking plate scowl wrestle ship."

"I'm sorry, man. I didn't get any of that," Mend says, reaching out to squeeze Newt's knee in apology. "I promise you, we're working on a solution. I think we might be close, but I can't really say anything. I want to though. Shit, I want to. You _know_ I want to. Fuck, I really, really, really _want to_ and if I don't go I'm going to." Mend jumps off the bed and cups Newt's face in his hands, looking him in straight in the eye. "We're gonna fix your brain, okay? You are too fucking important to me to risk anything. I'll let you know how it all goes." 

He leans in and kisses Newt, lips firm and assertive as he tries to buffer up Newt's reserves of hope, but softening as he feels Newt's arms come up around him. Mend's hands are fearful against Newt's back, fingers curling into his shirt as he kisses Mend with a fierce desperation.

"I'm scared," Newt whispers when he comes up for air.

Mend presses his forehead against Newt's, fingers lightly stroking his face. "I don't blame you," Mend replies. "I promise, I'm not letting you go without a fight. Tooth and nail, man. Everything I've got. I'll let you know how it's going in a few hours, okay? Love you."

Mend pulls out of Newt's grasp and heads for the door, trying to ignore how small and hopeless Newt looks sitting on the bed.


	16. Chapter 16

The Donor Room is empty when he gets there. He spends fifteen minutes poking at the apheresis machine trying to figure out how it works and if he can improve it before Katz rushes in and gestures for him to roll his sleeve up.

"There's a donation session set for this afternoon, so we've got an hour to get the sample and get out of here."

"It took two hours last time. How are we-"

"We're not taking that much this time. We just need enough to see if the goo will replicate it. If it can, we won't need to take any more," Katz says, handing him the squeeze ball and wrapping a tourniquet around his arm.

After thirty-five minutes, they have a third of a bag full and the basics of the experiment planned out. Katz sends him back to the lab so he can set up while she cleans the apheresis machine.

Hermann glances over as Mend walks in but looks away with a sniff. 

Mend can feel the irritation coming off him in waves and has to look away or risk telling him everything. He hurries across the room and sets up, checking the remainder of the goo sample and setting out some petri dishes and swabs. He spends the remainder of the time waiting for Katz setting up the video recorder, checking the lenses on his microscope, and watching the time.

Half an hour later, Katz comes in with the bag of goo, a clipboard and a tablet. She greets Hermann cheerfully and hurries across to Mend.

"I checked in on Newt before I came. I can't tell if it's getting worse, or if he's just talking more now. It's really hard to gauge," Katz says with a frown. "Either way, I'm using it as a reason to fast track this."

"I know what you mean. Anything more complex than yes, no, and maybe just gets lost," Mend says, taking the bag from her and putting it on the table. "I mean, I didn't get one word in a sentence earlier, and when he tried to explain it it was all just, like 'giant cow of doors' and something about wrestling a plate on a ship and I just haven't got a fucking clue what he was saying. I'm not surprised he didn't want to talk, to tell you the truth."

"All the more reason to get to this," Katz says, buttoning up her coat and pulling on a set of gloves. "We recording?"

"Going... now." Mend presses the button and looks at Katz. "Eleven Thirty AM. Kaiju goo replication test. Present are Dr. Mendelssohn Geiszler, co-head of K-Science, and Dr. Beverly Katz, resident medical Kaiju expert. Building on the knowledge that we can halt-slash-stop the replication process within the body using prolonged exposure to ultraviolet light, we are attempting to clone the previously-cloned goo present in both Newt's system and my own. I'm setting out two petri dishes, one will have a single drop of the substance from the gland for control purposes, one will have a drop of both the substance from the gland and the previously cloned goo syphoned from my system. Initial test period will last one hour. Dr. Katz, if you'd like to do the honors."

"My pleasure." Katz portions out the substance from the gland and the goo from Mend's blood into their respective petri dishes. "Now we wait." She pulls her gloves off and tosses them in the biohazard bin while Mend sets one of the petri dishes under the microscope. "Providing this works, we're going to need to work out how much a single drop of the glandular fluid will get us. We need as much as possible to refill Newt, and to know what to do if either of you ever need a transfusion again."

"I don't think it'll take very much," Mend says as he takes a picture of the first dish and switches it out for the other. "I mean, it was about a spoonful that got a whole other me. A single milliliter got a full rat. We should be able to get enough with a few drops." He takes the second picture and sets both petri dishes in an incubator. "Shit, we should have put speakers in there. It'd be useful to know how fast we can make this happen."

"Baby steps, Mend," Katz says as she checks the time and sets the timer. "We need to know we can make this happen, first."

"What, exactly, are you trying to make happen?" Hermann asks, walking over and eyeing them both suspiciously.

"Nothing you need to worry about, Hermann," Katz says with a smile.

"When someone tells me it's something _I_ , specifically, don't need to worry about, that's generally a good indication that I should be worried," Hermann says, lips pursing with disapproval. 

"Look, you've got plenty of reasons to be worried, Hermann, and, yeah, this is probably one of them, but-"

Katz elbows Mend in the side and steps in front of Hermann, taking his hand and looking him straight in the eye. "We're working on a treatment plan for Newt. It's very early stages right now and, while we're hopeful, I don't want to give out any specifics yet."

Hermann throws a glare in Mend's direction and thumps away.

"That was close," Mend murmurs when Hermann's out of earshot.

"He's the one with all the secrets, isn't he? You nearly gave everything away," Katz says, shaking her head in despair.

"He's actually pretty open if you ask him things directly," Mend says with a shrug. "Don't expect him to open up about himself in conversation, because that'll never happen, but if you ask for his opinion... he'll never shut up."

"Good info, I'll keep it in mind. But I was actually trying to insult you."

"You can only insult me if I _let_ you," Mend says with a smug smirk. "Second most important lesson I ever learned."

"Do I even want to know what the first was?" Katz asks, side-eyeing Mend as she picks up the clipboard to make a few notes.

"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, duh." Mend grins.

Katz snorts and shakes her head.

An hour later, Mend stares down the barrel of the microscope and frowning.

"There's, like, no change. It's replicated itself a little, but it doesn't look much different to the unaltered glandular fluid," Mend says, stepping back to Katz can see.

"Maybe it just can't replicate itself without any organic material and we've got to go back to the drawing board," Katz says, looking disheartened.

"Okay, no, that doesn't make any sense. It replicated my tattoos, hairstyle, _fillings_ ; there's no way it can't replicate itself," Mend says, scrubbing his hands through his hair as he paces. "Besides, it replicated itself enough during the initial cloning that it's now a vital part of my physiology. We're missing something here. Something important."

"So, how does it function?" Katz asks, nudging Mend out of the way so she can look through the lens. "Let's go barebones, pare it all back."

"Uhhh, infection is dermal, only a small amount required. It bonds with the host's DNA, making it benign outside the body. Ultraviolet light inhibits growth, certain sonic frequencies encourage it. It takes approximately three days to produce a clone. Subjects increase food consumption leading up to the change. Waste products are co-opted into the replication; fecal, not urina-"

"Wait, so it's possible that we've put enough of the glandular fluid to clone a dog in a petri dish without anything to draw energy from?" Katz asks and Mend pulls a face.

"We can't exactly give it a Twinkie."

"Did you get your degrees from a cereal box? We just need a drop of, like, glucose or something to give it a kick in the pants," Katz says, hopping down off the lab stool and turning towards the door. "We'll have some up in Medical."

"Or we could speed things up a little," Mend says and looks over at Hermann's side of the lab. "Hey, Hermann, do you still have that sugar water for your tea?" 

Hermann looks up from his screen, face dour, as he watches Mend walk into his area and look at his tea supplies. "What do you want it for?"

"Saving Newt's life," Mend says with an innocent look.

"It really would help," Katz follows up, elbowing Mend in the side.

"In that case, do I really have any choice?" Hermann waves a hand and turns back to his work.

Mend takes the squeeze bottle and looks over at Hermann, mouth opening to speak but not having any idea what to say. He sighs and tightens his fingers around the bottle, walking quickly back to his side of the lab where Katz is waiting with a teardropper in hand.

"Here goes nothing," Mend says and hits record. "Twelve-Ten PM. Results from the goo tests were less than promising. Minimal growth was recorded seeming to indicate that the goo can't replicate itself. _Or_ that it needs some form of power source to aid it. Given that excessive eating was recorded in all three iterations of the cloning process, we're adding a third petri dish with three drops - glandular fluid, syphoned goo, and sugar water - the latter donated by Hermann Gottlieb, a man with impeccable taste. Initial test period will be one hour and both of the original petri dishes will be monitored for any signs of change. Anything to add, Dr. Katz?"

"Not at this time, Dr. Geiszler," Katz says.

Mend shuts off the recording and takes the sugar water back to Hermann's side of the room. "Thanks, man. I'll make a trip up to Medical to get some glucose if we need more."

"You actually did need it for your experiment?" Hermann asks, looking over his glasses with suspicion.

"Uh, yeah. You thought I was pulling one over on you? You though _Katz_ was?" Mend stares at Hermann, eyebrows raised. 

"I'm not sure what to think any more," Hermann says with a sniff and turns back to his screen.

Mend sighs and crouches down beside Hermann, placing a hand tentatively on his knee and looking up at him with as sincere a face as he can manage. "I get why you think I'd fuck with you; it's kind of what I do. But right now? It's far too important to mess with you. I'm trying to stay- well, I'm not on your good side, so I can't stay there, but I'm trying to at least get to neutral. I'm in ass-kissing mode, dude. I'm- I wanna- I want to get all of this shit sorted out so you and me and Newt can sit in a room and you can be less angry."

"I want to believe you," Hermann says, voice low and hoarse. "But I-"

"But you're exhausted right now and you physically can't _not_ be angry at me," Mend says, nodding with understanding. "Do you want me to make you another cup of tea?"

"God, no. The last one was awful," Hermann says, then his eyes widen and he starts to stutter out an explanation.

Mend snickers and squeezes Hermann's knee. "What can I say? I'm a coffee guy. Want me to put the kettle on so you can make a not-awful cup of tea?"

"Please." Hermann presses his lips together, giving a terse nod.

"You might want to have a nap afterwards, maybe," Mend says as he checks the water level and flicks the switch. "You look wrecked."

Hermann looks back at his screen. "You're not in a position to give advice at the moment," he says in a pointed tone. "And if I do take some rest, it will be because _I_ decided to."

"Of course it will be," Mend says and heads back to his side of the room to wait.

After twenty minutes, Mend checks on the samples and calls Katz over. "I don't think we're going to need the full hour," he says, gesturing at the petri dish.

A layer of goo lines the bottom of the dish, thin but visible to the naked eye.

"I think we have a winner," Katz agrees. "Get the UV light on it and I'll go get glucose and some IV bags from Medical. Take note of the volume and the rate of replication, and how long it takes to render it inert."

"I know how to do my job, dude," Mend says, frowning at Katz's retreating back.

"Just making sure. Back in ten."

Mend huffs and sets up the UV light and a speaker around the petri dish before hitting record on the camera.

"Twelve-Forty-Five PM. As you can see, the experiment was, as far as we can tell, a success. Approximately one millimeter of the substance lines the bottom of the petri dish after only twenty minutes. We're now attempting to cease the replication process using the same method as with the rat; ultraviolet light with the sonic indicator for confirmation. This stage will take as long as it needs to, though it will answer the question of whether or not the dermis is a significant factor in hindering the process. Speculation: this will take less time to render inert. Turning the UV on now. Sonic indicator will play for three seconds at intervals of five minutes. Recording will continue to confirm timeframe."

Mend flicks on the UV light, tests the sonic indicator - it's super weird to see a dish full of translucent jelly suddenly glow and pulse to the beat of _Love Me Two Times_ \- and sits to take notes and wait for Katz to get back.

She ends up being gone for more than half an hour, but by that point Mend's watching the goo with avid fascination.

"What's going on?" Katz asks as she puts everything on a table nearby.

"Dude, it's so weird. I mean, I can almost physically see the decline in replication under the UV, but then the music plays and there's a burst of movement. Well, I say 'burst' - it's a little more sluggish than that - but what's weird is that every successive 'burst' seems like more of a struggle: there's less obvious replication and the glow gets weaker. I honestly think it'll only be another fifteen-twenty minutes _max_ before it's finished." Mend adjusts his glasses and looks up at her with bright-eyed glee.

"It took forty-five minutes for it to stop with that small an amount?" Katz says, looking dubious as Mend's face falls.

"It took more than eight _hours_ for the rat. I think the reason it took so long is, y'know, _skin_. The lack of a barrier between the substance and the UV slows it like woah. I'm thinking that with just a plastic bag between it and the light, it'll be done super quickly - especially if we're lighting it from more than one side." Mend says, picking up one of the IV bags and gesturing around it. "We'll probably only want to allow it to replicate until it's two-thirds or three-quarters full to allow for continued expansion while it's exposed to the light."

Katz looks at the goo, eyes narrowing as she stares at the petri dish. "You got a metal bucket? Because I swear, I will set everything on fire if this doesn't work."

"I will be right there beside you with the incinerating. I swear," Mend says as he grabs a bucket from the corner and roots around in a drawer until he finds a packet of matches and tosses them beside them. "I don't think it's gonna be necessary, though, y'know? I know you don't trust it, but... I think we've got it. I really do. I think this is gonna work and we're gonna save Newt and-"

"Dude, don't jinx it," Katz says, smacking him lightly on the arm. "You know how this works; we speculate, we run the experiment, we note the results, we keep our hopes _inside_. I know you're, like, the ultimate optimist, but we can't hang all our hopes on this. You will go nuts. _I_ will go nuts. Just... just focus on the pieces, not what the pieces are supposed to make."

"That's some really good advice," Mend says with a short, awkward laugh. "But, it's kind of hard to take now; I'm already way beyond that stage."

Katz squeezes his shoulder and gives a sympathetic smile. "I sincerely hope you don't end up disappointed. For all our sakes." 

Mend clears his throat and looks away. "Let's just- Let's just get on with the next stage. What do you say: one mil of glandular fluid, ten of my goo, and five of sugar water?"

"Maybe two of sugar water," Katz says as she picks up the tablet and looks over Mend's notes. "We don't want to corrupt the sample. We can add more as replication slows if we need to and this might actually be a good way to make sure it doesn't overwhelm the bag - restrict its food supply, restrict its growth."

"Huh. Good point. We shouldn't need any incendiary devices that way," Mend says, looking out of the corner of his eye as a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.

Katz rolls her eyes and nudges him in the ribs before snapping on a pair of gloves. "Let's get on this."

"Sure thing, Scully," Mend says and starts setting things up.

"Wait, do you think you're _Mulder_?" Katz says with an amused snort. "It almost explains the hair."

"Leave my hair out of this. My hair is _awesome_." Mend pokes his tongue out at Katz and runs a hand through his hair self-consciously. "Okay, we ready? Let's do this." 

He adjusts the camera so it's facing the incubator and pulls on a pair of gloves. Giving one last look to Katz, he hits record and picks up an eyedropper.

"One-Forty PM. We've confirmed that it's possible to a) replicate the goo found in my system, and b) stop that process with the ultraviolet light. We're now increasing the process and attempting to fill an IV bag with a view to- _Ow_!" Mend glares as Katz elbows him in the side and shakes her head, giving him a stern look. "With a view to _filling the bag full of goo_." He elbows Katz back and continues. "First attempt will start with one mil of glandular fluid, ten mil of my goo, and two mil of glucose. As replication within the bag slows and/or stops, more glucose will be added. We're going to use the sonic indicator to speed things up. When the bag reaches approximately half full, the UV light will be implemented and the sonic indicator reduced to three seconds every five minutes for reduction confirmation. Experiment will take as long as it takes because that's just the way it is."

Mend steps away from the camera and watches as Katz measures out each amount with care and hangs the bag from the lid of the incubator and closes it. Turning the speaker on, he and Katz lean in to watch the goo replicate.

"You realize we're pretty much watching a bag of gelatinous goop, right?" Katz asks after a few moments.

"True," Mend concedes. "But it's a bag of gelatinous goop that's making _more_ gelatinous goop."

"Do you realize that we've just defaulted to calling the goo in your system 'goo' and never came up with a better name for it so now all our reports are going to specifically reference your 'goo'?"

"Let's pretend that was intentional. Face it, I was never going to top _Kaijuminol_."

Katz shakes her head and they return to watching the goo replicate. 

After a few minutes, they've got approximately a centimetre from the bottom of the bag and Katz adds another few drops of glucose as the process slows. Within twenty minutes, the bag is half full and Mend's switching on the UV light.

"Two PM. The combination of glucose and the sonic indicator has sped up the replication process significantly. We have as much as we'd hoped to get in twenty minutes and we're now turning on the UV light to stop everything. As soon as we know what the expansion rate is during this period, we'll be able to better estimate when we'll need to stop in future. Aside: Given the speed with which the sonic indicator increased replication, it's plausible to believe that the cloning process could have been achieved within a day had it been consistently present following exposure."

"That's a good point," Katz says as Mend turns away from the incubator and sets the laptop to perform the confirmation routine. "Why would the Kaiju need to clone something within a day? Within _two_ days? Seriously, what evolutionary function could that possibly fill?"

"Um," Mend says, blinking at Katz as his brain flits through everything he knows about the goo and what it does. "Well, it melted through plastic, so maybe it melts through other kaiju? That'd make sense actually - what better defense mechanism than something that burns your enemy _more_ the more it hurts you? We could-"

" _No_ ," Katz says in a very firm tone. "We are not going to see what this does to Kaiju flesh. Do you want to explain to the Marshall why you've started _cloning Kaiju_?

"If it _melts them_ it wouldn't be _cloning_ , now, would it?" Mend pokes his tongue out.

Katz rolls her eyes and waves her hand. "Next theory?"

"Dude, we've had this shit for months and we have no clue what it does. I mean, it's a pretty shitty weapon if all it does is duplicate your enemy."

"What if it's not a weapon? What if we're looking at this from the wrong angle?" Katz says, snapping her fingers in front of her face as she thinks. "It comes from a gland in the throat. Shoots out through the mouth. That's usually venom or- or _acid_. Snakes, spiders, ants... What do other anim-"

"I don't think we can base our assumptions on animals we know," Mend says, cutting Katz off. "They don't function the way anything we _know_ functions. I mean, reptiles a little, but maybe more like dinosaurs... and tanks, which isn't an animal but-"

"Stop!" Katz snaps, glaring at Mend before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "What do other animals do that... Cows chew their cud, but this isn't regurgitated... Birds feed their babies... also regurgitation..."

"Dude," Mend says, all his breath rushing out as his eyes widen. "I was right. I was fucking- Shit, we got distracted and-" Katz is staring at him with a confused expression and he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to force his brain into a linear progression of thoughts. "We're meat. We eat meat. The kaiju? The kaiju are not meat. We don't even know if they can _digest_ meat. I mean, they'd need to eat silicon-based life forms, wouldn't they? Maybe... maybe through some bizarre twist of evolution, this kaiju species developed a gland that can make things that aren't edible to them, at least somewhat edible. I don't- Wait." 

Mend jumps up and grabs his tablet, scrolling through documents on the K-Sci cloud until he finds what he's looking for. 

"Right, here, _this_ ," Mend says, shoving the tablet at Katz and pointing at the screen with thudding emphasis. "Sheng got a stomach from Krueger. He's still doing analysis and shit, but I bet he can tell us what the contents of it are."

"You think you're going to find, what? Half-digested, half-silicon, half- _something_ pieces from their world in there?"

"Maybe?" Mend says, taking the tablet back with a frown. "If nothing else, we can get him to test whatever he finds for the inert goo structures."

"We may not be able to tell," Katz says, lips twisting regretfully. "We only know what the goo looks like when it's bonded with mammalian DNA."

"So we shouldn't try? Is that what you're saying? 'Cos that's what I'm hearing. You're all _blah blah blah science hard_ ," Mend says, rolling his eyes at her and trying to focus on the email he's composing to Sheng. "The least we can do is fucking _ask_."

"Dude, I'm not trying to shut you down," Katz says, holding up a placating hand. "It's just... We're both very tense and very stressed. I'm throwing these things out so we can narrow our focus rather than spiraling into endless conjecture."

"That's why I'm asking Sheng for _specifics_. I _was_ trying to narrow my focus." Mend hits send and drops the tablet on the table and looks at Katz, fear and anxiety making his limbs feel heavy after so long carrying it. "I need to eat. I gotta- Do you want me to bring you back anything?"

"I should go do my rounds," Katz says, pushing herself up to stand. "Call me if anything happens, okay?"

Mend nods and they walk out of the lab side-by-side without a word. He's turning to head toward the elevator when Katz stops him and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"We're still good, yeah?" She asks, looking at him warily. "This is just a stress-fight, not a 'working together will be a chore from now on' fight, right?"

"Yeah, we're good," Mend says with a helpless shrug. "I just... I want Newt to be better now."

"I know that feel, bro," Katz says, one side of her mouth tilting up in a small smile. "We'll work it out; we're Mulder and Scully, remember?"

Mend gives her a half-smile and gestures over his shoulder. "I'm gonna go... eat."

As he walks away, he tries not to think about the fact that Mulder and Scully were often left with more questions than answers.

He eats alone in the corner of the commissary, taking his time so he doesn't have to go back to the lab and choose between staring at the IV bag that may or may not save Newt's life, or trying not to look at Hermann. 

Hermann's gone when he get back - to his quarters to sleep, Mend hopes. 

He pulls up a chair and stares at the bag in the incubator; it's half full now and he adds another drop of glucose to get it through the final burst. It's been an hour and a half since they started, it shouldn't take more than another half hour for it to reach two-thirds full.  
Unable to focus on anything, he potters around the lab - checking the rats and prepping to clean our their cages once the UV's on the bag. 

By the time the bag's ready, he's yawning and feeling the full effect of travelling for three days and running on fumes. He makes the bare minimum of commentary as he switches on the light and heads into the alcove while he calls to let Katz know the changeover has happened.

When he's done, he drops the phone on the table, and gathers up everything he can find to send to Sheng, adding a question about Krueger's stomach contents as a casual aside at the end.

He wakes just after eleven, not remembering when he fell asleep. The lights are off in the rest of the lab and there's a blanket over him, and as he draws it tight around his shoulders and trudges over to look in the incubator, he feels a pang in his chest at the thought of Hermann putting it over him.

The goo is still emitting a sluggish glow when the indicator sounds, but there's still ample space in the bag so he shouldn't need to worry about it overflowing.

Trudging up to Medical, he finds Newt dead to the world, curled up tight in a foetal position with his fingers clenched tight in the pillow. He stands and watches Newt breathe, chest rising and falling, slow and even, and something in him unclenches. He'd spent so much time working to fix Newt, that he hadn't even had time to come see him. 

He pulls a chair over and sits by the bed, stroking his fingers through Newt's hair. It's weird, but it's starting to feel less and less like he's looking at his own face; the lines are different, furrows appearing in different ways, and the light in his eyes makes it feel like he isn't sure what's going on in his head.

"We're nearly there, man," he says in a soft whisper. "Just a few more hours."

He watches Newt sleep for a while longer, wishing that Hermann was there so that he wouldn't have to leave him alone. Sighing, he presses a soft kiss to Newt's forehead and heads back down to the lab.

The bag isn't much different by the time he gets back - a dull, sullen glow emitting from a bag three-quarters full - but he pulls up a chair - the comfy one with most of its padding and arms wide enough to rest an elbow on, and settles in to keep an eye on it while playing games on his tablet.

"I did say you weren't in a position to be giving advice," Hermann says and Mend's elbow slips off the chair arm as he lurches into wakefulness. "Perhaps if _you_ were more mindful of your situation, you wouldn't be napping in the lab."

Mend wipes his face, mouth fuzzy and dry from hanging open for who could say how long, and blinks blearily at Hermann.

"I had to watch the experiment," he says in a muzzy tone as he adjusts his glasses and turns to the incubator. "What time is it?"

"Nine. How long have you been there?"

"Uh, since one-ish? Maybe? Spent some time with Newt," Mend says, but he's barely paying attention, busy staring at the goo.

He doesn't think the goo is glowing any more, but he's scrubbing through the footage to be sure. The glow completely dissipated just before six, so with the extra three hours under the UV light it should be one hundred percent inactive. He nods, head heavy and slow, and turns to look at Hermann.

"How... Uh, how is he... holding up?" Hermann asks, chin held aloft and cane planted firmly in front of him gripped by white knuckles.

Mend clears his throat and looks down, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walks across to stand in front of Hermann. "I think... I think he's going to be okay."

"Your experiment worked?" Hermann asks, shifting back as he eyes Mend suspiciously.

"I'm happy with the results," Mend says with a twist of his lips. "Katz is the one who decides if we give it to Newt."

"I see."

"I want you to yell at me," Mend blurts. "I mean, I used to only want that so that I could yell _back_ , but now? Now I'd take it if it just meant you'd _talk_ to me."

" _You_ were the one who insisted we wait until Newt was recovered," Hermann says, eyes dull and voice low and cold.

"I know, I _know_ I did. It didn't feel like it'd take this _long_. I thought I'd do the experiment and then I'd be fixing Newt, but then it took so much longer than I thought it would and- Science always takes _so_ long - so much longer than I ever realize - and I just- I _miss_ you."

"It's been an entire day. How have you managed to last this long?" Hermann says with a sardonic sniff, turning to walk away.

Mend grabs Hermann's shoulder and darts in front of him, stopping him in place. "I've been missing you since the second you left the lab the night before I broke out. _I didn't want to leave_. I know we're supposed to wait but I literally can't stand another day of you thinking that I didn't want to be with you. You just- You need to- I want to- You need to know that I-" Mend cups Hermann's cheek and leans in to kiss him, lips pressing gentle against the thin, harsh line of Hermann's.

Hermann's hand comes up and takes Mend by the wrist, lowering it as he turns away. "You can't just kiss it and make it better," he says, regret colouring his tone.

"I'm not trying to," Mend says and the upper half of his body is leaning as if to follow but his lower half knows better and stays where it is.

"Just... _stop_ ," Hermann says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Stop talking to me. Stop- stop _torturing_ me. Focus on your _work_ so we can get out of this- this godforsaken _purgatory_."

Mend's mouth snaps shut with an audible click. His eyes sting and he tells himself it's from staring at the incubator all night. "I just wanted-"

"I _know_ what you wanted. Neither of us can _have_ it until Newt's able to string a coherent sentence together," Hermann snaps, huffing as he clomps into the back of his alcove.

Mend knows he won't come out again until Mend's got the message that the conversation is over. Sighing, he takes his phone and calls Katz, leaving a voice message for her to come down once she's finished her rounds.

While he waits, he takes a sample of the new goo and checks it under the microscope, comparing it to all the other samples they have. 

Katz arrives at twenty past ten and stares at him blank faced until he finishes telling her everything.

"You're not having second thoughts, are you? I mean, I've checked it, it's completely inert - the chemical reaction is such that it's _nothing_ like the original goo. There's no chance of it making another clone," Mend says, feeling anxiety rise up and grip him by the spine.

"I'm on _two-hundredth_ thoughts by now, man," Katz says, shaking her head. "I know you know how risky this is. Are you really willing to stake Newt's life on this working?"

Mend closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He wants to be sure, he sort of _is_ \- all the pieces _fit_ \- but there's a sliver of doubt eating away at the back of his mind that threatens to paralyse him if he even _thinks_ about entertaining it.

"I'll stake _my_ life on it," he says as he opens his eyes and stares her down. "Give me a dose, wait an hour. Then, when it turns out I'm _fine_ , he gets the rest and we start making more." He starts rolling up his sleeve, raising an eyebrow at Katz challengingly.

"Dude, no, we can't risk you-"

"Why not? Because I'm the 'real' one? That's pretty much all I've got going for me at the moment and it's a shitty reason to not let me get injected with stuff I cloned from my own body."

"Dude, slow down," Katz says, holding up a hand and glaring at him. "First of all, _no_. We can't risk contaminating our only source of viable goo. Newt can't handle losing any more from his system; you should be okay to donate a little more if we need it. Second of all, if this _doesn't_ work? We can't risk losing the version of you coherent enough to continue working on this. That's it. I need to be able to _understand_ you if I'm going to work with you. You need to be _healthy_."

"So our only option is to give it to Newt? Is that what you're saying? Because that's what I'm hearing," Mend says, letting his sleeve slip down and hang unbuttoned over his wrist.

Katz bites her lip and looks away for a moment. "We give him a small dose," she says as she turns to Mend. "If there's no obvious negative effects in a few hours, we give him some more."

"What if he gets worse? How're we going to know if it's because of the new goo, or if it's because _he's getting worse_?"

"There's too many variables here," Katz says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What I wouldn't give for months and months of trials." Turning, she grabs a ziploc bag and puts the IV full of go into it before putting it in an opaque plastic bag. "Come on."

She heads to the hall and Mend scurries to follow feeling Hermann's eyes boring into him as he crosses the room.

They don't speak on the way to medical. Mend worries that if he says anything he'll freak Katz out enough to make her change her mind, so he keeps his trap shut until they're in Newt's room.

Newt pushes himself up to sit the second they close the door behind him. "Wight's coin on? Tig eke shirt? Bang you script mode?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on track with only two chapters left to go.
> 
> I'll post the next one on Tuesday and the last on Thursday. We're on the home stretch, people! \o/


	17. Chapter 17

Katz glances over at Mend before turning to Newt, brow furrowed with consternation. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"I veer fine," Newt says staring at the bag in Mend's hand. "Ease soot eke? Oar you coin to defense eke or pull eke in an IV?"

Mend feels his stomach lurch and has to cover his mouth with the back of his hand. "We don't have a choice," he says, moving to the bed to take Newt's hand and squeeze it tight. "It's got to be all or nothing."

Katz clenches her jaw and nods. "I'll get a nurse-"

"We don't need a nurse. Just hook him up to the IV and let it-"

"We need a _witness_ ," Katz says, looking at Mend pointedly. "All we've got is you and me saying he's as bad as he is." She turns to Newt, eyes wide and calm as she speaks. "Okay, I'm telling this to you straight - you know I don't pull my punches. You're deteriorating rapidly and we have to do something potentially dangerous to work it out. Mend is ninety-percent sure that this is going to work. I'm at about seventy-five but that's because there's so many variables and so little time to run tests. When the nurse comes in, I'm going to ask you some questions and you are going to need to be as verbose as possible. I know you don't want to talk in front of strangers, but we need someone who can corroborate the state you're in. Okay?"

"Eke's freely soot gap? Tig you sequin with mode?" Newt asks, fingers clenched tightly around Mend's.

"I've got no idea what you just said, buddy," Mend replies wrapping an arm around his shoulder and kissing his temple. 

"Dow eke. Moreover eke dirts. I banged leash ride thieve," he says and turns to look Mend straight in the eye. "If eke fare you hatch to rep mode day. Cliff, _rep mode day_."

Mend stares at Newt at a loss. "That's how bad it is, man. I can't even work it out from context. Just... Nod if you're going to talk when the nurse comes in, okay? We need to get this into you ASAP."

Newt crosses his arms over his chest and nods, glaring at the far wall. "Moreover. Eke's mad ride I kneel impatient about my own credible spore."

Mend and Katz exchange a look and Katz gestures to the door. 

"I'll go get the nurse," she says and disappears into the hall.

"I know this is, like, a billion times more frustrating for you than it is for me, but I am so fucking scared right now." Mend pulls Newt close, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "I feel like I've spent the past day trying to convince everyone that we need to move faster and all they want to do is run tests and cover their asses."

Newt grunts but doesn't say anything.

"This is going to work, man. We cloned the goo. We can make as much as we need whenever we want. We'll-"

Katz bustles back into the room followed by a nurse carrying a tray.

"Newt, this is Nurse Meadows," Katz says, pulling on a pair of gloves.

Newt nods and lets out a put upon sigh when Mend elbows him. "Wight's stub? Thing any book stalled gums, daydream?"

"Newt's aphasia has gotten more severe in the past twelve hours," Katz says at Nurse Meadows' confused expression. 

Mend holds Newt's hand as Katz and Nurse Meadows set up the IV, squeezing it and keeping him distracted as the needle slides in and gets taped down.

"Now, I don't want anyone touching this IV bag. Call me when it's nearly empty and I'll come deal with it, okay? Thank you, Nurse," Katz smiles as she leaves the room and raises an eyebrow at Mend and Newt. "You looking to start the rumor mill again?"

"Because I'm holding his hand?" Mend asks, rolling his eyes. "This is a rough time and we hate needles. I don't have time to worry about whether or not anyone thinks we're fucking."

"Just asking," Katz says, holding up her hands as she backs away from the bed and pulls over a chair. "If we don't see any improvement by the time this bag's empty, I'll give him one of the injections to buy us some more time."

"You want us to go back to the drawing board? What if he just needs more than this bag? You said he was down about a third, but how do you quantify that in terms of his mass? Is it a bag? Two bags? _Four_? Do you even-"

"Mend, stop. I didn't say we'd go back to the drawing board," Katz says, rubbing her temples. "But if this doesn't work, we should consider alternatives while we prep a second bag. We can keep on this path, but we have to consider that we're going the wrong way."

"What is it with everybody and paths? Fuck paths, I want to be on a road - a _paved_ road," Mend grumps and hops up on the bed, swinging his legs up so he can pull Newt to lean against him.

"Tuft gig boring about mode ride I'm mad hitch," Newt mumbles, staring up at the ceiling.

"Oh, yeah, we're going to need you to keep talking so we can figure out if this is working or not," Mend says, jostling Newt's shoulder.

"Fine. I'll tuft beef you a larine solitary about the bridge gun my sass."

"I'm pretty sure you're talking about your ass," Mend says, giving Newt a sidelong glance. "But, hey, if you keep saying embarrassing shit, it's, like, eighty percent more likely that this shit's going to work." Newt frowns at him and Mend pokes him in the side. "We'll start to understand you, doof. Hey, just talk about how your life is empty without Hermann and we can tell him that those were the first words we understood. Maybe he'll shout a little less when we fight."

"Knew shit was going down with the three of you," Katz says with a shake of her head.

"The silent treatment and snapping didn't give it away?" Mend asks.

"That could just be foreplay for you guys for all I know," Katz says with a smirk that turns to laughter when Mend flips her off. 

They spend the next half-hour talking aimlessly, each pretending they're not paying specific attention to every word that comes out of Newt's mouth.

It's coming up on an hour when the tension around Katz's eyes turns brittle and she looks Mend straight in the eye. "We should consider alternative treatments."

"Fine, but I'm not giving up on this one. The second that bag empties, I'm taking it back to the lab and refilling it," Mend says, looking away obstinately.

"It's been an hour and there are no signs of improvement at all," Katz begins but Mend cuts her off.

"Yeah, and the first time we tried goo-replacement therapy, he slept for four hours before he got proper nouns back," Mend says, waving a finger around Newt's head in emphasis.

" _You gig boring about mode like I'm mad hitch,_ " Newt sneers, pushing Mend away and sitting up to scrub his fingers through his hair. "Tuft sequin swap it."

Mend and Katz exchange a wide eyed stare, before Mend places a hand on Newt's back and shifts so he can see him better.

"So, I can tell you're angry from the whole shouting and agitation thing you've got going on now, but I don't have any idea what you said," Mend says, shifting his hand in slow circles. "Is it... Is it because we're talking about you in front of you? I know this is a shitty thing to say, but... I really don't know how to include you right now."

"Soot's tuft because you're an asshole," Newt grumbles and Mend has to resist the urge to pull Newt close and hug the shit out of him.

"Yeah, I kind of am, but- wait. _Wait_. Sassbowl! _Sassbowl_! He didn't- He said asshole but asshole is sassbowl not asshole. It's _working_. I told you it would fucking work!" Mend whoops and gives into the urge to pull Newt close, dropping a sloppy, wet kiss to his temple and grinning like a fool.

"You're sure?" Newt says, pushing Mend away and holding him still.

"Based on the fact that you said asshole, um, yeah? But now I'm second-guessing myself. Talk more, maybe some other things will have slipped back into place."

"Ride wight? Wight dow you want mode to say? I can't tuft gig falling asshole," Newt says, looking at Mend at a loss.

"Um. Talk about Hermann? Make some stuff up? Not about Hermann, just in general," Mend says, looking at Newt expectantly.

"I don't below wight you daunt mode to fall." Newt shrugs, looking frustrated. "You daunt mode to bore about how dull I miss Hermann? You daunt mode to tail you how dull it hurt wain he tuft got up and walked clout of the ruse? You fiend I enjoy bellowing that wain I get my brain badge he's coin to fucking yell at mode for how dull of a luck up I am? Wight the luck do you want me to fall?"

"Dude," Mend says, face nearly splitting with how wide he's grinning. "You're angry and worked up and I've got, like, an eighth of an idea why, but you are so much better than you were an hour ago. Seriously, I mean, there's sections of sentences that make perfect sense." He turns to Katz and pokes his tongue out. "I knew it'd work. You're going to take a blood sample and check his goo count when the bag's empty, right?"

"It's kind of my job," Katz says, brow furrowing a little in disapproval.

"Good. That and the pre-goo count should give me an idea of how much more of this stuff I'll need to make to get him full again." Mend turns back to Newt and raises an eyebrow at him. "You want to keep yelling at me for a while? I mean, you're probably not going to get another opportunity like this - saying exactly what you think of me to my face and me not having a clue."

Newt looks to the side, clearly considering the possibility, before shaking his head. "You're an asshole. But I'm an asshole too. Unearthing I want to fall to you, I'm going to fall to your face. I want you to undefined what I fall."

"So I'm going to get it from both you and Hermann, huh?" Mend asks, deflating a little.

"I'm still going to dove you wain it's water," Newt mumbles, ducking his head to avoid Katz's eye.

"Okay, I'm going to leave you two before the love-in starts," Katz says, slapping her hands down on the arms of the chair and pushing herself up to stand.

"Hey, we're not that bad; just two identical guys hugging on a too-small bed," Mend says, jostling Newt as he leans in close and presses their cheeks together.

Katz shakes her head and heads for the door. "Call me when that bag empties and I'll come and unhook him."

"We're going ahead with another bag, right? I mean, he's gone from completely incomprehensible to... _not_ completely incomprehensible in an hour. That's good, right?" Mend asks, sitting upright and abandoning the lovey-dovey pretence.

"It's good," Katz agrees, hand on the doorknob. "I'm going to spend the afternoon looking over his charts and everything else we've got to see if there's anything we might have missed just to cover all bases, but it looks like we're on the right track."

"I _knew_ it," Mend says, punching the air in front of him in triumph.

"Don't be insufferable about it," Katz says, with a good-natured smile and a shake of her head. "Just be calm and smug at the fact that you were right."

"So... be Hermann?" Mend says with a quirked brow.

"Be Hermann." Katz smirks and opens the door. "Call me if anything happens." She heads into the hall and closes the door behind her. 

"We're on the right track," Mend grins, nosing at Newt's cheek until he can kiss him, soft and gentle, sighing as he pulls away. "I've missed that. Just think, a day or two and Hermann will yell at us and we can get back to the new normal."

"Awesome. Nothing to look former to," Newt says, letting his head drop down to rest on Mend's arm and looking up at him with worried eyes. "Is he super pissed?"

"Okay, that, right there? I understood that entire sentence," Mend says with a grin and strokes his fingers through Newt's hair. "Sorry. Uh, yeah. He is a bit. He told me to stop talking to him. Called the whole 'holding pattern' thing we've got going on a 'godforsaken purgatory'."

"I lucked everything up," Newt says with a groan, burying his face in Mend's shoulder.

"You had some pretty good reasons. I'm sure Hermann's keeping that in mind. He's a reasonable guy," Mend says kissing the top of Newt's head.

Newt raises his head and stares at Mend.

"Good point," Mend concedes and shrugs. "Hermann's... Hermann. And he still likes _you_. Most of the yelling's going to happen in my direction. I'm sure of it."

"You wouldn't hatch left if I hadn't. Eke's mad your fort. He should yen at mode." Newt slumps back down on the bed, staring at the wall with a pensive glower.

"I'm always going to do everything I can to make sure you're okay, man. That's just how it is. We just gotta work out a way that that's not going to fuck over Hermann." Mend kisses the top of Newt's head and hugs him close. "I didn't get everything else you said. You should get some rest; your brain's working hard to get better."

Newt makes a disgruntled sound, but closes his eyes and relaxes against Mend.

An hour and a half later, the bag is empty and Mend takes the bag back to the lab to refill.

"It's working," he says as he walks through the door and sees Hermann sitting in front of a computer. "It's slow, but he's getting more understandable by the hour."

Hermann's shoulder's slump, head dropping to his chest as all the breath leaves him in a long, sustained exhale. "Good. That is... good."

"You'll be yelling at us before you know it," Mend says, aiming a half-smile at Hermann before turning to his side of the lab.

" _Will you stop trivialising everything_?" Hermann hisses, turning to glare at Mend. "My interest in Newton's recovery has _nothing_ to do with whether or not I get to voice my displeasure at your thoughtless actions. _Nothing_. That you would think that of me is-"

"Woah, wait, Hermann, I wasn't- It's not- I didn't mean- I was being glib," Mend babbles, spinning around and rushing over to Hermann. "It was just shorthand for the fact that there's going to be a big important talk and you need to yell at us; we _need_ you to yell at us. I _know_ you care about Newt. I _know_ because if you didn't we wouldn't be having this conversation; you'd have already broken up with us. I just... I don't know how to talk to you right now. Every little thing I do pisses you off and it's so much worse than before because now I know what you're like when you're happy and it _kills me_ that I fucked it up." Mend looks at Hermann at a loss and breaks eye contact before Hermann can speak. "I have to go get the new bag ready. It's only one or two more. I'll let you know when he's better."

Mend heads to his side of the lab and starts setting up to repeat the goo replication process. He puts his headphones in and works through the afternoon, determined to leave Hermann alone until he can give him _good_ news.

The second bag is filled and given to Newt without issue. His vocabulary becomes less tangled as the hours pass and by the next afternoon Katz releases him to rest in his room.

"You're supposed to _rest_ , man," Mend says, ushering Newt into their room and pointing toward the bed. "I just don't think-"

"Dude, I'm going to be fine. Just... go get Hermann so we can have it out," Newt says as he flops down on the bed.

"You're supposed to be _avoiding_ stress," Mend says with a pointed glare.

"Waiting to find out if he's going to break up with us is pretty fucking stressful," Newt counters. "Finding out can't be any worse."

Mend bites his lip and stares at the door until Newt thumps his hand on the bed in frustration.

"Come _on_ , man, I'm gonna develop an ulcer if I have to wait much longer," Newt says, holding out a hand and waiting until Mend takes it. "I've been good - I've been _so_ good - pretending that I was patient and calm but there's no need to wait anymore. _You_ were confident he wasn't going to break up with us, so can you _please_ go tell him I'm here and coherent and that I want to hear every horrible thing he has to say to me so I can try and make it up to him."

Mend sighs and looks away and Newt squeezes his hand.

"It was sort of easier, y'know? Waiting to find out. I could tell myself that I knew what he was thinking - _feeling_ \- and it wouldn't- wouldn't... I don't want to find out. I don't want him to tell me that he thinks I'm a waste of space. I don't-"

"I just wanna _know_ ," Newt says and tugs on Mend's arm until he sits on the edge of the bed. "It's been nearly a month since everything went to shit. I've found out I'm a clone, joined a cult, _escaped_ a cult, been to jail, and had my brain implode. In _a month_. All I want is to curl up with you and Hermann and be _normal_. And if I can't have that, at least we'll have each other to hold while we cry ourselves to sleep." His lips quirk up in a sad, half-smile and he gives Mend's hand another squeeze. "Go get Hermann."

Mend sighs and pushes himself to stand, trudging to the door. "If he says it's over, it's really over," he says, looking over his shoulder as he pulls the door open a crack. "He's never going to give us a second chance."

"At least we got a first one," Newt says and slumps back to stare at the ceiling.

Mend plods down the hall to the lab, feeling his stomach churn as he pushes open the door.

"Hermann?" he calls in a soft voice, almost hoping that Hermann wouldn't respond so he could go tell Newt they were out of luck.

"What is it?" Comes the snappy reply from Hermann's alcove.

"Um. Newt's... Newt's back. He's in our room. He's coherent." Mend peeks into the side room to see Hermann in his armchair with a laptop.

"I suppose you expect me to drop everything and come see you, hmm?" Hermann says, glaring at Mend over the top of his glasses.

"Um-"

"I'm going to finish what I've started. I'll see you at seven," Hermann says and gives a dismissive wave.

"But it's three-"

"And you'll have to wait four hours? Oh, how absolutely dreadful for you. I can't possibly imagine what it's like to spend _so_ long waiting anxiously," Hermann says with a sneer, fingers hitting the keys with a great deal more force in emphasis. "I Will See You At Seven."

Mend opens his mouth to protest, but lets it slowly fall shut as he sees the furrow between Hermann's eyebrows deepen. "I'll, um. We'll see you then," he says as he slinks away and slips out the door.

"Couldn't you find him?" Newt asks, looking around Mend as he reenters the room.

"He's making us wait," Mend says, pulling his glasses off and flopping face down on the bed.

"That's... kinda fair," Newt says, rolling on his side and resting his chin on Mend's shoulder. "How long?"

"Four hours," Mend grumps, turning his head to the side so he can see Newt.

"Could have been worse," Newt says and wraps an arm around Mend's middle. "He could have made us wait as long as we were gone."

"True," Mend concedes. "You want to watch a movie or something while we wait?"

"No." Newt rubs his face against Mend's shoulder. "Can we just... like this?"

"You want to cuddle?" Mend asks, lips quirking up at the sides.

" _No_. I just want-"

"Shut up, man. We're cuddling." Mend rolls over, dislodging Newt and shifting closer until he can get an arm around him. "Hugging you in the hospital, there was always this weird kind of underlying tension. Like we were going to get caught if I hugged you too hard. Feels like forever since we've been able to do this; just be ourselves."

Newt snorts, but he's snaking his arm around Mend, fingers curling into the back of Mend's shirt.

"Hey, we're still ourselves. You're still _your_ self," Mend says, brushing his nose against Newt's temple. "I meant it, y'know: nothing's changed how I feel about you. Nothing's changed how I'm going to treat you. You're... You're my- Y'know, we're a couple now, right? You and me? If joining a cult for you didn't prove it, the cuddling should have."

"It's dumb pretending we hate cuddling. We're not clingy," Newt says, lips pressing gently against Mend's cheek. "I just... I need you to keep me here. I need you to keep me... out of my head."

"A movie would have done that better," Mend begins but Newt shakes his head, pressing his forehead into Mend's shoulder.

"Not just now," Newt says, voice strained. "I need- I've seen Dr. Assaf a few times but- I have affirmations and- and things I'm supposed to do to remind me I'm _me_ , but... but I need your help."

"What do you need me to do, buddy?" Mend asks, carding his fingers through Newt's hair.

"I don't... I don't _know_ ," Newt says, fingers clenching and pulling Mend's shirt. "I need... _something_. I don't know what but I can't keep pretending that I know what I'm doing or that I'm gonna be fine. I feel like I'm losing it. Not like I lost it before, but I'm slipping and I can't slip again. Not if... Not if- I can't let Hermann down. I can't let _you_ down. Not again. I need- ... I don't know what I need."

Mend pulls Newt close, kissing the top of his head and holding him tight. "I don't know what I can do for you, man. But you're going to keep seeing Dr. Assaf and you're going to talk to me and maybe Hermann and you're gonna stay with us. We're not going to let you go off the deep end again."

Newt takes a deep, shuddering breath, and squeezes Mend, fingers remaining curled in his shirt. He rubs his face against Mend's chest until his glasses slip off his nose and he can relax against his chest.

Mend rubs his back, hand moving slow and firm as he feels Newt's breath even out. He kisses the top of his head again and rests his cheek against the crown, letting Newt sleep and finish healing.

A repetitive thump wakes him and he pushes Newt off. "Newt, shit, _Newt_. Hermann's here. Hermann's _here_." 

He struggles to get up, adjusting his glasses and smoothing his hair as he rushes to get the door open before Hermann smashes it down.

"I'm sorry, I had cause to believe you were _expecting me_ ," Hermann says, eyes narrowed and features set in an unimpressed frown.

"We were, we were, we just... Newt's still healing and we kind of fell asleep," Mend says, rubbing the back of his neck as he shrinks back under Hermann's gaze.

"You told me he was well," Hermann says, thumping his cane and turning on his heel. "You cannot rush his recovery just because you want this over with. It's deceitful and-"

Nonono, he's okay. He's coherent. He's just... had his brain fixed in two days and that can be kind of... tiring," Mend says, jumping in front of Hermann and holding his arms out to keep him from leaving. "Can we just sit down and talk?"

Hermann sniffs and turns around. "Close the door." Hooking the desk chair with the handle of his cane, he pulls it out and sits, back straight and expression severe as he waits.

Mend closes the door, glancing uncertainly at Newt as he moves to sit beside him on the edge of the bed. "I just wanna start by saying how sorry I am - how sorry _we_ are - that-"

"You've said enough, Mendelssohn," Hermann says in an emotionless tone, looking straight past him. "It's my turn to speak."

Mend's jaw clicks shut and he looks down at his hands as he waits for Hermann to continue.

The room is silent but for the sound of breathing. Mend can feel the palms of his hands getting wet and slippery and tries to rub the anxiety out on the curve of his knees.

He looks up, eyes flickering tentatively between the floor and Hermann's face, and is taking a breath when Hermann begins to speak.

"You're insistent that I yell at you. However, I will not give you the satisfaction," Hermann says, voice calm and steady. "You left me. Without a word - without _any_ indication you were going. Both of you."

"In my d-"

" _Let me finish_ ," Hermann snaps, fingers curling into the fabric of his trousers, knuckles turning white. "I am not an- an _accessory_. I am not simply here for your _convenience_. I am an equal partner in this relationship and I _will_ not be treated like some lovelorn waif, sitting by the window wondering when her love will come home from war. You cannot just toss me in a corner like a rag doll and pretend I don't exist." Hermann's breath huffs out through his nose with each exhale, and he's clearly trying to keep his anger at bay.

"We never thought of you that way," Mend says, watching Hermann's face as he carefully chooses his words. "I know I've told you already, but - plausible deniability. I had to make sure you wouldn't be pulled any deeper into our shit than you already were. That's why I sent you the email - so that you'd know what was going on but could prove that you found out _after_ the fact. I was... I was trying to protect you."

"I never received any email," Hermann says through clenched teeth, the force straining the tendons in his neck until they stand out.

"What? No. _No_ , I sent you an email," Mend says, eyes widening as a cold spike hits his heart. "I set it up to send about an hour after I left. You were supposed to know. It was supposed to- Did I fuck up? I fucked up. No no no." Mend dives to the side and grabs a tablet off the side table, scrolling through to his mail. "No, I sent it, I _sent_ it. It's-... Fuck. I... I got the month wrong. It's still in my outbox."

Mend holds the tablet out, head hanging down as he feels it taken from his grasp.

"This does nobody any good now," Hermann says after a long drawn out silence. "Regardless of what you _meant_ for me to know, I did not know it. For more than three weeks, I did not know it and I have not known it. I have been in the dark. Where, it seems, you prefer to keep me."

"Dude, no- _Hermann_ , I don't want to keep you in the dark. I want you to know things. I don't want to make you feel-"

"You make me feel like I'm not enough."

Mend's jaw snaps shut and he can hear Newt inhale sharply beside him.

"You're enough, Hermann," Mend says softly, slipping off the bed to kneel in front of Hermann and get in his line of sight. "You're more than I deserve. You... Falling in love with you took years. Wait, please, hear me out... Falling in love with you took _years_ because there's so much you don't show. You're like an iceberg only showing the angry, contentious parts. But over the years I've seen other parts of you: your humor, your candor, your _passion_. Your conviction is what keeps me going half the time. I look over and I see you and you _know_ there's an answer; you _know_ there's a reason. You're like a beacon - you light my way, man. It took so long for me to fall in love with you because we were always fighting, but I don't want to fight anymore."

"You think I want to fight?" Hermann asks, staring down at Newt tiredly. "You think I want to be having this conversation at all? Do you think it was _easy_ for me to tell you I want to break up with you? I want _you_ to think... about me... as though I matter."

"God, Hermann, you _do_ matter, you _do_. Do you think I'd go this nuts trying to make you _not break up with us_ if you didn't _matter_? You told me not to leave you without a note and I tried to - I fucked it up, but I _tried_ ," Mend says, reaching out to grab Hermann's hand and squeeze it tight. "I'm trying to be the man you need me to be, but I can't do that if you don't give me a chance. You _know_ everything that's happened in the past few months isn't how it's always going to be. I don't know what else I can say to convince you that."

"Perhaps you've said enough," Hermann says, extracting his hand from Mend's grasp. "Newton? Do you have anything to add?"

Newt looks up from his hands, face pale as he swallows and shifts to face Hermann. 

"I'm... I was not in a good place - a _really_ not good place. I wasn't thinking straight and... and I didn't think I was... _me_." Newt's fingers twist in the fabric of his pants. "I'm seeing someone now - Dr. Assaf - and she's... she's helping me work out how to be me again." He looks up at Hermann, lips twisting down at the side in commiseration. "I know how you feel - no amount of _telling_ me that nothing would change how you both felt about me would have stopped my brain from getting overwhelmed and making me run. Mend did the only thing that would have gotten me out of there. They wanted me to be silent and contemplate destruction... and I had a whole lot of self-destruction going on. I don't think I would have left if he hadn't come got me." He pushes himself off the bed and lowers to his knees beside Mend. "I know what it feels like to be left alone with only what's in your head. I know that if you don't get input from anyone else your problems just get bigger and bigger until all you have is anger, or despair, or, or _something_ that keeps you fucking up and making the same mistakes. I wish there was something I could say that would make this all okay, but all I've got is... I... I love you. Even if I'm... Even if you don't... I want us to work this out."

"I don't want to fight anymore," Hermann says, taking a tremulous breath as he looks away. "But I can't simply _give in_. Do you- Do you understand?"

"I... I think I do..." Newt says, reaching out but then glancing at Mend and folding his hands in his lap. "It's like... when we fight and- and I _know_ I'm right, but _you're_ right, too, and I don't want to keep arguing but I can't let it go, either."

Hermann licks his lips, sucking them in over his teeth as he inhales deeply through his nose and nods. "Where... Where do we go from here?"

"Usually to our own corners of the room to seethe for a while," Newt says, the corner of his mouth tilting up in a small smile. "But I don't think that's the right solution for us now."

"Maybe we could have dinner? Talk?" Mend asks, looking up at Hermann with hopeful eyes.

"We could go to Patatina," Hermann says, voice unsure and tentative.

"Um. I'm on probation," Newt says, rubbing the back of his neck. "No unauthorized trips out of the Shatterdome or I'm being sent back to the States for court martial."

"I could go get something from the commissary and bring it back here," Mend suggests, pushing himself up to stand. "You and Newt could catch up on all the talking you didn't get to do while he was out of commission while I'm gone." 

Hermann clears his throat uncomfortably, glancing away. "We... We could."

Mend checks his hair and adjusts his tie, feeling the tension in the room as a cloying, sickly pall. "I'll, um, be back soon."

When he returns fifteen minutes later, food in hand, Newt's still kneeling on the floor but Hermann's holding his hand.

"You can't blame him for doing what he needed to do to keep us tog-" Newt cuts off as the door swings open.

Mend blinks at them, foot hovering over the threshold as he's wracked with indecision. "Do you want me to- I can go away for a while longer. Just, um, here's the food, let me know when you're-"

"You don't need to go," Hermann says with a shake of his head as he lets Newt's hand slip from his own. "It has been- I have been... unfair. You have born the brunt of my ire. I am not apologising for my anger, but it was not yours alone to bear."

"Um, thanks? I guess..." Mend says, setting the food on the desk and kicking the door closed with the heel of his foot.

Hermann sighs and lets his upper body slump, hand reaching up to rub at his eyelids. "Is this worth it? This- this awkwardness, it's... Will we ever be the same as we once were?"

"No," Mend says with a twist of his lips, picking one of the boxes and passing it to Hermann. "We're gonna be _better_." He passes another box to Newt and sits on the bed with his own. "I mean, we're talking now. We're working through it. This... _sucks_. Like, super sucks - I can't even begin to tell you how much I'd rather be doing literally _anything_ else - but it'd suck worse if we didn't do it at all, y'know?"

Hermann nods and looks down at his food, fingers moving with care as he opens the box, slow and precise.

Newt and Mend exchange a look, expressions somber as they turn to their own meals.

They eat in silence for a while, the only sounds plastic scraping against plastic and the occasional sigh. 

Multiple times, Mend opens his mouth to speak, drawing breath for words he can't put in order to express emotions too mutable to grasp.

"What infuriated me most," Hermann says, breaking the silence and causing Newt and Mend to freeze. "Was that I set aside an hour every day to tend to your rats. I fed them and changed their water and even ran them through their paces, recording the outcome for each one. There was a part of my mind - there _is_ a part of my mind - that knows - _hopes_ \- you didn't mean it. That knows you've had a lot to worry about recently. But it cannot quell the anger, the _hurt_ , that came from being excluded and forgotten."

"You weren't forgotten," Newt says, letting his fork drop into the container as he looks up from his place on the floor. "I thought about you every day. I couldn't stop thinking about you and... and how much you didn't deserve all the shit I was going to bring down on you. I _still_ don't think you deserve all of-" He cuts himself off with a sound of disgust, waving a hand around his face and upper torso. " _This_." He swallows and looks down, closing his eyes and breathing precisely - in through the nose, out through the mouth, before looking back up. "But I never stopped thinking about you, or wanting you in my life." 

"It doesn't change-" Hermann cuts himself off, straightening and turning his head away, fingers clenching around the shaft of his fork as he inhales sharply through his nose. "What was it like? In the cult?" He asks, slowly relaxing his shoulders and looking at Newt, the calmness of his expression belied by the tightness of his jaw.

"Quiet, mostly," Newt shrugs, looking down and poking at his food. "New initiates had to take a vow of silence, so I, uh, had a lot of time to think. I was assigned to the laundry; all I did was wash and fold. It was... simple. Anonymous."

"And for you?" Hermann turns and looks at Mend, face blank.

"It was a _little_ bit different," Mend says, lips twisting as he ducks his head. "I was tense all the time, anxious, convinced someone was going to find me out and lock me up somewhere. I spent the entire time trying to get a glimpse under everyone's hoods, looking for this asshole. I was in maintenance, though, so I could pretty much go anywhere."

"You were free to move around?" Hermann asks, expression shifting into a frown.

"Yeah, it wasn't quite the death trap that Pentecost made it out to be. They were just sort of... normal. Kaiju-worshipping whack-jobs, yeah, but everyone just sort of did their thing," Mend says, looking down at his food. There's only a few bites left, but he's trying to make them last as long as possible - the second they're all done, Hermann's going to leave and everything's going to be even more awkward in the lab the next morning.

"All that fear... all the worry and sleepless nights... It feels so out of proportion now," Hermann says, looking dazed. 

"No, it was in proportion," Mend says quickly, waving a hand to try and brush away Hermann's self-doubt. "It was still kind of scary; they did security sweeps every night and we had to fight our way out."

"You? Fought?" Hermann stares at them, bemused.

"There were guards on the doors when we left. Newt got punched," Mend says, waving a hand at Newt's face.

"I punched _back_ ," Newt says, bristling with indignance.

"Yeah, and I pulled that guy's pants down and threw a few punches of my own."

"You were in danger - _real_ danger," Hermann cuts in, skin ashen and jaw slack with realisation. "And I... I was so focussed on my own anger that I didn't- I didn't-"

"Hey, no, Hermann, don't do that, don't-"

"You've got every right to be angry. We left and you were in the dark. _We_ fucked up." Newt shoves his food to the side and rises on his knees to look Hermann in the eye. "Don't go letting us get away with this shit."

Mend puts his food on the desk and kneels beside Newt, taking Hermann's hand and pressing it between his own. "Whatever we need to do to make it up to you, we're going to do it. We're gonna make it right. We're gonna talk to you, we're gonna tell you things. If we're going to be gone for more than a few hours, we'll tell you or leave a note. I'm _not_ going to send any more post-dated emails. _We_ are the ones that fucked up; you're not to blame for _any_ of it."

"I know," Hermann says, voice shaky. "And I'm not letting you off the hook. I'm..." He trails off, staring down and raising a hand to ghost a fingertip over Newt's cheek. "You were gone. You both were gone. I'd lost you and now... now I realise that it was very nearly permanent."

"No." Mend shakes his head. He's sure; he's _so sure_. "It was never going to be permanent. It wasn't- No, nobody was going to- We weren't going to _die_. Either of us."

"You can't know that for sure," Hermann says, hand dropping to his knee as he turns to Mend. "This entire endeavour was dangerous from the beginning. You _could_ have died. _Newt_ could have died-"

"But he didn't. I didn't. We weren't going to-"

"I cannot- this _stress_ ," Hermann says, dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his face as he lets out a groan of frustration. "It's _too much_."

Every muscle in Mend's body tightens as fear spikes in his belly. He wants to fight, wants to refuse to acknowledge that any of this is happening, but he's been fighting it for so long and it just keeps getting _worse_. The tension dissipates as quickly as it rose; the fight giving way to a hopelessness that sets into his limbs and sees him slumping.

"You're breaking up with us," he says, voice sounding as hollow as he feels.

"No," Hermann says, tone soft as he looks at Mend through his fingers. "I'm not breaking up with you."

Mend feels it like a punch to the gut, relief and hope rushing into him and tightening his throat as he hiccups and looks away. His eyes burn and he can feel tears, hot and wet, pooling in his eyes. He tries to will them away but his breath comes in a hiccuping gulp and then Newt's hand is on his shoulder.

"Are you... crying?" he asks.

Mend pushes his hand away. "I'm not crying. _You're_ crying," he says, wiping roughly at his cheeks.

"We're okay," Newt says, wrapping an arm around Mend's shoulder and hugging him close. "You're really not breaking up with us?"

"I... I don't want to feel this way anymore," Hermann says, hands dropping to dangle between his legs. "You made it back. You _survived_ and I'm overjoyed - I'm _ecstatic_ \- but there's so much anger in me, so much... _resentment_. I don't ever want to feel like I'm not enough. _You make me feel like I'm not enough_."

"You are. You're the reason I did all of this," Mend says, wiping at his nose with his sleeve. His breath still comes in heaving sobs that he can't seem to stop but he has to convince Hermann, he has to let him _know_. "I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm- I want you to be _happy_. I want you to have everything you want. I want all of us together; it has to be all of us _together_. I want- I want us to _work_. I want-"

"You've worked so hard to keep us together, done so much," Hermann says, reaching over to brush a tear away with the pad of his thumb. "Makes me realise that the most I've done is... be left behind."

"You weren't left behind. You were- This is where we're _supposed_ to be," Newt says, taking Hermann's spare hand and kissing the back of it. "You're something to come back to. You're- You being here? Made me want to be _me_ again. Even when I don't know who or _what_ I am, you're... _home_. You're my home."

Hermann's breath catches in his throat and Mend can see his eyes brimming. "I don't-" Hermann begins, then clears his throat, continuing in a whisper. "I don't want to sleep alone again."

"You don't have to," Newt says, voice cracking. "Stay here. You can stay here."

Hermann looks fragile and vulnerable as he swallows and nods. He turns his hands palm up, waiting until both Mend and Newt take one before he lowers his head and lets out a shuddering sigh. "I have... missed you," he says, voice strained.

"Me, too," Newt replies, leaning forward and resting his forehead on Hermann's knee.

Mend looks at the floor, focussing on taking deep breaths and pushing them out slow and even. His chest still stutters occasionally, threatening to send him back into blubbering fits and it's only made worse when Hermann disentangles his hand. He looks up slowly, afraid of seeing rejection or regret on Hermann's face, and Hermann holds out an arm, gesturing for him to move in closer.

He can't help the sob that rips from his throat as he lurches forward and presses his face against Hermann's chest, but he feels a hand rubbing up and down his back and a kiss pressed to the top of his head.

"Thank you for keeping us together," Hermann says in a tone bordering on ragged. "Please don't do it again."

He can feel his tears soaking into Hermann's shirt, breath bouncing back hot and humid as he shudders and sobs, but all he can do is wrap his arms around Hermann's middle and hold on until he cries himself out.

"We should go to bed," Newt says, voice gentle as Mend's sobs subside.

He feels exhausted and sore as he pulls away, murmuring an apology as he pushes himself up to stand.

"We're all stressed the fuck out," Newt says, rubbing a hand over Mend's back. "Emotions were bound to happen."

Mend shrugs and excuses himself, ducking into the bathroom to splash water over his face until it doesn't feel hot and clammy anymore. When he returns, Hermann's got his shoes and jacket off and Newt's cupping his face, kissing him with reverence.

Mend hangs back so he doesn't spoil their moment, clamping down on everything that makes him want to start crying all over again.

Hermann murmurs something against Newt's lips and turns to look at Mend, holding out an arm until Mend walks into the embrace.

"We still have a long way to go; we need to... talk, and clear the air, but you deserve to know," Hermann says, tightening his arms around the both of them. "I..." He trails off, swallows, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I love you, too. It's perhaps why this... hurts so much. I don't want to be demanding; I don't want to feel like I'm harping on at you, but I can't feel this way and let you walk all over me."

"I get you," Mend says, lips twisting with apology as he looks up at Hermann. 

"We didn't mean to make you feel that way," Newt follows up, squeezing Hermann's shoulder. "We're going to start thinking before we do things. _I'm_ going to start thinking before I do things."

"As long as you try," Hermann says, pressing his forehead against Newt's temple.

"Let's get you to bed," Newt says, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "You look like you could use it and I know for a fact that Mend hasn't been sleeping much."

Mend reluctantly moves away and they all strip down to their underpants. 

Newt pulls back the covers, gesturing for Hermann to get in first and they watch as he moves, stiff and slow, into the centre. 

Mend lies behind Hermann and Newt lays in front, switching off the bedside light leaving them in a dark, awkward silence.

"Oh for," Hermann mutters and then Mend feels him patting behind him until he finds Mend's hand and pulls him to lie on his side, slotted against his back. "I did not agree to spend the night uncomfortable and distant. You come here, too."

Mend feels the bed jostle and then Newt's pressed back to chest against Hermann.

"That's better," Hermann says, sighing as he relaxes between them.

The room is silent save for the sounds of breathing, slow and even, and skin brushing against skin as Mend runs his hand over Hermann's forearms.

"I always thought that the first time you say I love you to someone should be this big, meaningful moment, y'know?" Mend says, voice quiet and thoughtful against Hermann's skin. "It should be... perfect."

"And now?" Hermann tenses and Mend rubs a hand down his arm soothingly.

"Now... I realize it doesn't matter. There could have been, I don't know, a choir and fireworks and fifty doves being released... but it wouldn't have anything on having you back in my arms. The first time was always going to be tense and anxious and horrible. That's just how I roll. But the second time? The second time's gonna actually be perfect. You know why?"

"Why is that?" Hermann asks, tilting his head to look back at Mend.

"Because now instead of fear, I get to actually _feel_ it." Mend kisses Hermann's shoulder. "I love you, Hermann. I seriously fucking _love_ you."

"Me, too," Newt says. "I want to quantify it but I just can't. There's no way- I just... I _love_ you."

"The more you say it, the more perfect it becomes," Hermann says, and for the first time since before he left, Mend can hear affection in his voice.

"We'll just have to keep saying it, then," Newt murmurs.

"We will. Every day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: MS Word Spellcheck only had issues with 'tig' and 'eke'. Apparently the rest was all grammatically correct and logical. And that's why Spellcheck will never be better than a beta.


	18. Chapter 18

**3 Months Later**

Mend backs into the room carrying a tray with two pitchers, and stops. 

Everyone turns and points at him, shouting _You've been Thunderstruuuuuuck_ as the song ends. 

"Aw, _man_ , you did _Thunderstruck_ without me?!" Mend pouts and sets the tray on the table, refilling cups as Katz scrambles to take the mic off Tendo and bounces to the front of the room.

"You were taking too long, man," Newt says with a shrug, holding out his glass for a refill. "I've got something lined up for us. It's gonna be awesome."

"It better be _Islands in the Stream_ ," Mend says as he pours.

"No. I have to veto that, brother," Tendo says, shaking his head as he holds out his glass. "It's enough that I know you guys are doing the do without having you act it out in song in front of me."

"Buzzkill," Newt sneers, flicking Tendo in the side of the head. 

"What about _Total Eclipse of the Heart_?" Mend asks, nudging Hermann until he hands over his cup.

Tendo thinks for a moment. "I'll allow it."

" _One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small_ ," Katz sings and the room falls silent to listen. She makes her way through the song building and building until she's belting out _Feed your head, feed your head!_

"Holly shitballs!" Tendo says as Mend and Newt whoop and holler. "Didn't know you had it in you."

"Singing is just socially acceptable screaming," Katz says with a smirk as she sits and fills her cup. "You call it karaoke, _I_ call it therapy."

"That's my kind of therapy," Newt says and grabs the mic, smacking Mend on the shoulder. "We're up. Hermann, get your nose out of the book and pay attention because this one's for you."

Hermann's eyes dart up, staring at them shrewdly over top of his reading glasses. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"Nope. You're going to _love_ it." Newt grins as the music starts playing.

Mend snorts when he sees the title and Katz whoops, throwing her hands up and dancing in place.

Hermann groans and covers his face with his hands.

" _Come on, come on, come on, now touch me, baby. Can't you see that I am not afraid?_ " Newt croons as best he can while Mend fumbles to get the mic up in time. " _What was that promise that you made? Why won't you tell me what she said? What was that promise that you made?_ "

Hermann glances from between his fingers as Newt drops to his knees before him and Mend hurries to follow.

"Now, _I'm gonna love you 'til the heavens stop the rain,_ " they continue, Newt crawling forward and draping himself over Hermann's knees. 

Mend gives up trying to follow Newt and crawls up on the couch to wrap an arm around Hermann's shoulders. 

" _I'm gonna love you till the stars fall from the skies for you and I_ ," they sing and Hermann's still got his hands over his face, but his eyes are dancing.

The song continues and Hermann eventually drops his hands, revealing a broad smile and a heavy blush. 

Newt and Mend keep singing, casting glances back at the screen to see if the lyrics change, but they're the same for the second verse. By the end they've descended into silliness, delivering each line with an exaggerated sincerity that has Hermann shaking his head and Tendo and Katz snickering.

" _Stronger than dirt_. Wait, that's how that song ends?" Newt says, sitting up straight and glaring at the screen as the lyrics fade away.

"Hermann," Mend says, staring at him with an earnest expression. "My love for you is very _agricultural_."

"Stop it," Hermann says, swatting at Mend's knee. "Hush now, it's Tendo's turn."

"You better choose a song, Hermann," Tendo says as he takes the microphone off Mend and struts to the front of the room. "There's no way you're leaving here tonight without singing at least one solo."

"I'm still looking!" Hermann says, pulling the book closer and hunching over it.

"Look faster!" Tendo says, striking a pose as the intro plays and smirking as everyone recognises it. " _I want to break free. I want to break free. I want to break free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied. I don't need you. I've got to break free._ "

Mend and Newt high-five over Herman and throw their heads back to join in. " _God knows, God knows I want to break free!_ "

Katz jumps up and starts dancing beside Tendo, pretending to vacuum while Tendo holds his arms out and sings to the heavens.

Newt and Mend jostle Hermann as they dance beside him, but he's smiling and singing along as he reaches for the remote and programs in his choice.

When the song finishes, Katz and Tendo collapse on the couch in a giggling heap and Hermann holds his hand out for the mic.

"You finally made a choice?" Tendo asks as he passes it over.

"You're all going to tease me regardless of what I chose, so I just chose," Hermann says, taking the mic and slipping his reading glasses into his pocket.

"We're not teasing _you_ ," Newt says, patting Hermann's knee as the music starts playing. "It's karaoke, we're all making dubious choices."

Hermann just shakes his head and holds the mic up. " _When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful, a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical_ ," he sings and the rest of the room settles down. " _And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily, joyfully, playfully, watching me. But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical. And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable, clinical, intellectual, cynical.“_

Mend rests his head on Hermann's shoulder and sings along quietly, squeezing his knee as he feels Newt settle in on the other side. 

" _There are times when all the world's asleep, the questions run too deep for such a simple man,_ " Hermann continues and everyone's singing along now. " _Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned, I know it sounds absurd, but please tell me who I am.“_

As the song continues, Katz and Tendo sway in time, small, wistful smiles alighting on their lips. 

Hermann presses a kiss to the top of Mend's head before launching into the final chorus and when everyone in the room helps him out with the falsetto, he only laughs.

"That was a pretty good choice, Hermann," Tendo says, raising his glass in acknowledgement.

"Thank you," Hermann says, setting the mic down on the table. "It was one of my mother's favourites."

"Well, here's to your mother." Tendo raises his glass again and the rest of the room follows suit with a chorus of _To Hermann's mother!_

"Okay, okay, my turn, my turn, I've got a good one," Katz says, grabbing the mic and jumping up, distracting from Hermann's blush and filling the room with song and laughter once more.

Two hours later, the group is tipsy as they make their way out of the karaoke bar and into the streets of the Boneslum. Newt, Tendo and Katz walk in front singing _turn around, bright eyes_ in progressively more emphatic tones, while Mend hangs behind with Hermann, making sure he doesn't trip. They round a corner and hit a procession of cultists, making their way through the streets.

Newt's eyes widen, singing stuttering to a halt as he looks back at Mend frantically. 

Mend ducks his head but it's too late.

"Bo?" one of the cultists asks, breaking away from the procession and heading towards Newt.

"Ah, no, I think- Uh- You got the wrong guy," Newt says, shaking his head and backing away, stumbling into Mend.

Mend stares at the cultist in shock: it's Heng. Of course he'd run into the only cultist he'd spent any significant time with on his first trip into the Boneslum in months.

"Ah, I see now why they let you go," Heng says, nodding absently as he turns back to rejoin the procession.

"Wait, you know why?" Mend says, pushing Newt to the side and following after.

Heng stops and sighs, turning back to Mend with a knowing smile. "Twins," he says, gesturing between them both. "Family is its own destruction. You may be gone from us, but it is not gone from you. Not yet."

"That doesn't make _any_ sense," Katz says, eyes rolling as she puts her hands on her hips and stares Heng down. "Family makes you _stronger_."

"Not all families," Heng says with the lofty and benign tone of one who truly believes in their cause.

"That may be true for some, but these guys? They've got family. Right here," Tendo says, stepping up to drape an arm over Mend's shoulder. 

"I'm sure you've got a lot to do, what with all your meditation and passive acceptance of doom to get through, but _we_ are going to fight back. _We will_ stave off the darkness and destruction," Hermann says, squaring his shoulders and standing imperiously behind Mend and Newt. "And _we_ are going home." Hermann turns and walks down the street with a light _come along_ aimed at the group.

"Destruction will come, Bo," Heng says as Mend turns to follow.

Mend's hands clench by his sides and he spits over his shoulder. "May our _victory_ be swift." He grabs Newt's arm and stalks off after Hermann.

"What did he mean 'It's not gone from you'?" Newt asks as they stand on Boundary Street trying to hail a taxi big enough for five.

"It means he's a blowhard who drank the Kool-Aid," Mend says with a huff as another taxi speeds by and ignores them.

"It _means_ that you're both very, very _human_ and the potential for destruction is always there," Hermann says, leaning into Newt and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Three months ago, we were on the brink of destruction; everything was falling down and crumbling around us and it was a problem of our own making. Do you know why we survived? Do you know what makes us different from those cultists?" 

Newt shrugs, looking uncomfortable. 

"We _did_ something. We didn't just sit around and wait for it to end. We spoke and we acted and we're still _here_ ," Hermann says and presses a soft kiss to Newt's cheek. "It's in you, yes, but it will only destroy you if you let it."

"This is why I love you," Newt says, reaching up and squeezing Hermann's hand.

"We have a winner!" Tendo shouts, pointing as a cab changes lanes and slows to stop in front of them. He negotiates the fare with the driver and then they're all climbing into the van and pulling away.

The lights of Hong Kong flash past the window as they speed along and there's an old pop song Mend can only just hear playing on the radio. He glances over his shoulder and, behind Tendo and Katz leaning against each other quietly singing _Tiny Dancer_ , he can see the Boneslum recede into the distance. He still feels a little shaken from the run in with Heng, but he's got Hermann warm on one side and Newt pressed tightly to the other and out the windscreen the lights of the Shatterdome are getting brighter.

He's going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. That's the end. 
> 
> It's been a long road, but I want to thank [Antheia](http://antheia.tumblr.com) and [Shazzaofdoom](http://shazzaofdoom.tumblr.com) again for helping me wrangle this monster into readability. 
> 
> And also you: Thank you for reading this far!
> 
> I was going to do an 8tracks playlist for the karaoke songs, but it turns out I don't have most of these songs. So here's some youtube links:
> 
> [Thunderstruck](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2AC41dglnM) \- AC/DC  
> [White Rabbit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR8LFNUr3vw) \- Jefferson Airplane  
> [I Want To Break Free](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4Mc-NYPHaQ) \- Queen  
> [Touch Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7GKblttlMY) \- The Doors  
> [The Logical Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBoYZqmcZuc) \- Supertramp  
> [Total Eclipse of the Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcOxhH8N3Bo) \- Bonnie Tyler  
> [Tiny Dancer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Al8UHnjusq0) \- Elton John


End file.
